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We need Free Education now - or we are all screwed

The Issue of Free Education has swept like a blaze - both literally and figuratively - across our nation's campuses. Citing the high cost of education in South Africa, students have taken to the streets with placards to demand that universities be open and free - but these protests often spark riotous outburst, shocking violence, and massive damage to our tertiary institutes. Here, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen puts forward a powerful and unconventional argument in favour of delivering every single one of the protesters demands. We think you'll agree.

The past few months on South African campuses have been tumultuous indeed. From Wits and UKZN to Rhodes and UCT, students have flocked en masse to the streets and lecture halls, demanding one simple thing: Free Education.

And yet, many of you (my Dear Readers) are vehemently opposed to this! You flock to social media and huddle in your racist echo chambers muttering trite things about the economy and having meaningless discussions about things as trivial as “long-term sustainability”, “limited funding” and “where the hell is this massive amount of money going to come from?”

However, my dear friends, I believe that there is a very powerful case to be made for universal, free and open tertiary education. It’s not even a case of “can we even do it without destroying our economy”; it’s a case of we must do it ASAP.

Not to address the historical inequalities of our country or deliver on the vague promises of ’94, ’07, ’09 and ’13. Not to restore dignity and parity and to give the poorest an opportunity to improve their lives. And no, not even to create an educated, progressive society that will one day contribute heavily in graduation tax and higher personal taxes (à la Denmark et Germany et Sweden et al) to others who want to benefit from the same free education they did.

No. We need to give them free education because, if we don’t, we are all fucked.

Ask yourself, which is more important: not having to pay an extra 15% tax in your business and personal declarations, or bringing enlightenment and critical thinking to someone who has such a puerile, myopic understanding of the economy, budgetary limitations, and finances?

How can you look at campuses - at the burning Jammie buses, the torched buses at Wits, the charred husks of cars at UKZN – and not see that these people need to read a fucking book as quickly as possible? How can you stand there and watch works of art being piled up and incinerated at UCT, read reports of staff, admin and VCs being harassed and held hostage, and browse photos of law libraries, coffee shops, theatres, and IT buildings being burned to the ground, and not realise that we need to get some fucking knowledge into their brains as soon as is humanly feasible?

How do you – Dear Reader – sit there in your mansions of privilege and greed watching Youtube videos showing protestors expelling parents and stakeholders from meetings because of their race - and NOT recognise the need for free, great education for these screaming buffoons?

Time and time again, illegal, illogical or infeasible demands are made by protestors, asking for free food and accommodation, asking that we abandon Western scientific disciplines, or demanding university staff be forced to donate their salaries or that landlords be forced to rent out their properties at a controlled amount, and you want to remain totally blind to the desperate need this country has for education?

How can you sit there on social media, scrolling past the contempt for and silencing of student media on campuses, the pages and pages of cult-like misinformation, propaganda, fear-mongering and hateful paranoia, not once think “I should be there, on the frontline, fighting to get these kids into the best classroom in the world!”?

Of course, it’s so, so easy for you to retort, “But where will the money come from?” This just shows you all the propaganda you’ve been swallowing.

This protest is being led by some of the finest financial and economic minds of our time. There are hundreds of MA and PhD students in those masses, making informed, rational suggestions. Since day one, there has been a clear and reasonable plan to show where all the billions of rand a year will come from – you just haven’t read it because you’re a racist.

Firstly, we’ll increase taxes by 15%. You know, above the tax increments already outlined in the National Budget '17/'18. It’s not like businesses will respond to this by putting up their prices of basic goods and services, thus negating the increases.

We’ll double the National Budget spending on education, up all the way to 100%. The national budget only pays for stupid things anyway, like the military. It’s not as if our national coffers are put towards Public healthcare, grants and welfare, or social services.

Besides this, we’ve all seen the damning financial documents from Rhodes. Not only will providing free internet, free food, free transport, free accommodation, a team of hundreds of admin staff and lecturers, and access to international academic platforms and libraries cost absolutely nothing, but all universities have literally trillions of Rands just lying around.

In any case, you have to ask yourself this frightening thought: what happens if we don’t give them the education they want so badly?

With just a shitty Matric and no other meaningful qualifications (coupled with irrationality and anger) they could easily become a policeman, or a Member of Parliament, or hell, the next President of South Africa. If you think they’re dangerous and destructive now, just imagine them with powers of law, or control over the financial reserves, or responsibility for the running of the country!!!

Next time you’re about to criticise this student movement, just take a moment to look across that crowd and ask yourself: “Do I want one of these people to be the next Hlaudi, the next Motshekga, the next Bheki Cele, or – god forbid – another Jacob Zuma?!”.

We need free education now, or we are all screwed.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Critic slams ‘mustfall, pro-transformation movements

Various #(Something)MustFall and pro-transformation movements were issued a scathing indictment this morning, after an Area man and member of AfriForum blasted the group’s manifestos as “unnecessary and moot”.

52-year-old Johannes Botha, a passionate builder and online commenter, today slammed the groups in a brutal refutation, citing statistics that show that South African society is “transformed and representative of the demographics of the country”.

“We hear all these ridiculous claims being thrown around that our country, universities, society and the media still have issues of transformation that urgently need to be addressed, but it’s all lies,” he explained, finishing off his last beer and poking the coals of his braai. “But if you just look more closelier at the country, you’ll see I’m right.”

He explained at some length between glasses of Klipdrift.

“Just look at our universities – they are filled with black people! We look at the cleaners and gardeners and people who sweep up the halls and wipe up the vomit from when Johan junior has had a couple too many - and are they white? No! Just because these okes don’t have ludicrous, high-paying jobs from their dads doesn’t mean we can start to pretend they don’t dominate the economy.”

He continued his stunning dissertation, pausing only to check if 49-year-old domestic worker Thembiswa Mhlanga could hear him from the kitchen.

“It gets worse, just look at the townships and – Thembi?! THEMBI?! KAN JY VIR MY HOOR??? - sorry, just look at townships and prisons. These so-called academics and ‘critical thinkers who have studied this problem for many years and in great detail’ say that society is unequal – but blacks are represented more in society than oppressed whites, in places like jails or low-income housing zones. This kind of reverse racism is disgusting.”

“Then we need only look at employment statistics: if you’re a middle-class white person and you want to go work in a low-wage workhouse making Nike shoes and export trinkets for 17 hours a day, guess how much of a chance you have? We need to start admitting that there are just some places where black people have an unfair advantage over us poor whiteys.”

Stopping momentarily to ensure the inter-leading glass door to the servant’s scullery was properly closed and locked, he went on.

“Then there’s the media – I mean come on, black people are in the news all the time! These ridiculous students complain that there is an absence of black voices and stories in the traditional and digital media, and then they get all picky and angry just because a lot of those stories are about crime and corruption?” he brilliantly noted, sotto voce. “Sometimes I look at the country and think that, hell, there’s so much transformations going on it’s laaike flippen’ Michael Bay is the president.”

He shook his head gravely and tutted.

“Me and all my friends – some of my best ones are black, you know? - agree: Nelson Mandinga is probably sitting in a retirement home in Kunu in abject shock at how his rainbow nation is filled with racist ignoramsuses who are completely out of touch with the history, current affairs and problems of our country. For shame!"

Parliament nears resolution on crucial “which superpower is the best” debate

Weeks of arguments and rhetoric are going to pay off today, after MPs and parliamentarians announced that they are on the brink of reaching a resolution on the heated and months-long debate over which superpower would be the best.

The debate – which has seen proponents for “totally sweet” invisibility at loggerheads with advocates for “frikken awesome” flight or like really cool laser-beam eyes – has raged in the halls of our nation’s legislative centre for nearly two months; and both sides have been staunch and unmoving.

“Those idiots don’t even get it,” said the leader of the Freedom Front Plus party, Lay Zerbeems. “I mean, how sweet would it be to be able to fly? Like, no more walking from place to place, just you and the eagles in the sky – how frikken cool would that be?”

She explained at length.

“Some of our critics have put forward super strength as an alternative – but when do you ever lift anything heavier than like a suitcase at the airport?” she said, to loud “exactly”s from the Minister of Argiculture.

“Besides, all your friends would just always ask you around to their house whenever they need to move house and you’d have to move all their furniture – and just think, all this time you could have been chilling with the hawks in the boundless blue skies above,” she finished to resounding murmurs of approval, agreement and “so friggin’ badass” from gathered MPs.

The debate has unleashed a slew of controversy.

“This whole debate is just silly and a massive waste of time, because it stops us from asking important questions,” said chief whip of the opposition party IKP, Ian Visabel. “Questions like, 'How would you even breathe in the thin upper atmosphere?'. It's glaringly obvious that you’d freeze to death without some kind of heated suit, and the baddies would see you easily and use radar to fight you.”

The answer, he explained, was obvious.

“Everyone knows mind control or telekinesis would be just so awesome,” he said, speaking at a deliberation over a moratorium of debate proceedings, “like, you could lift things with your mind.”

“Or, like, block bullets and throw things around without even having to stand up, so freakin' cool,” added the Minister of Rural Development.

But even this brings has only served to add fuel to the flames.

“The Honourable Member is misguided and wasting our valuable time, my Fellow Honourable Ministers,” said the chief whip for the Democratic Alliance. “You can’t just say ‘mind powers’ because you can’t have more than one, that’s cheating and totally not fair.”

And despite contentious and tiring debate, citizens are showing their support for the democratic process.

“I think it’s important,” said Johannesburg accountant Flei Mbreff. “After all, how can we deliberate over trivial issues like Nkandla and the growing issues around unemployment, the education crisis and worsening corruption when we can’t even agree over whether we’d use our ice breath to freeze the baddies or swish our hands to fight with the metal around us like we’re Magneto?”

“Besides, it gives us a great insight into our politicians,” he added. “Like that one minister of finance wanting invisibility? Bloody pervert probably just wants to sneak in the ladies’ volleyball changing room, the creep. Or steal money in a way that doesn’t involve some intricate tenderpreneurship scandal.”

“And that guy who wanted to slow down time? Shows you why he’s the Head of the Department of Home Affairs.”

But despite all of this, the Office of the Presidency has assured all South Africans that the real answer is in their hands.

“We don’t really listen to parliament, and this time is no different,” they said in a statement early this morning. “Besides, if you’re looking for a power that will give you unlimited control over a whole nation, totally freedom from attack and accountability, and as much wealth and luxury as you want, I think it’s pretty clear which power is the best of them all.”

“Being Jacob Zuma.”

"Dream of free education finally realised” says protester standing in university ruins

Astounding student victory celebrations light up radioactive crater where university halls and lecture venues once stood

Celebrations are rocking the UCT ruins today, after protesters and students announced the realisation of their dream of free university education for all. According to eyewitnesses on the ground, protesters have been flocking to the desolate lecture buildings and art-stripped residences to celebrate the stunning achievement.

“Finally we will get the education we all fought so hard for,’ said one student speaking from the crumbled smoking ruins of the UCT admin building. “Once upon a time, these halls teemed with students who paid to receive one of the finest educations in the entire continent. Those days are over.”

The student, 19-year-old sociology major Ray Kingball, explained why this single goal was so important.

“Accessible education is something everyone needs,” he explained. “There is nothing we wouldn’t do in our campus protests to realise that dream. Torch busses; demolish the residences; hell, even burn down the library: that’s how serious we are about winning this fight for a quality education for all and a better tomorrow.”

And despite public outcry over their methods, student protest leaders have echoed Kingball’s sentiments.

“Some people say ‘but don't the destruction of valuable resources and infrastructure and the defacement of buildings actively contribute to the already awful education crisis in South Africa’, but they don’t get it,” said student activist and bonfire enthusiast Bernadette Nophies. “Only violence solves these issues – history has shown us that Martin Luther King and Mandela had to destroy everything and enact daily acts of aggression and violence to enact sweeping changes to their country’s oppressive systems.”

“I mean, how could anyone forget the 80s and 90s when all those gay people tore down crosses, burn bibles by the dozen and torched churches so that they could have equal access to marriage?”

“We will not stand this oppressive violent system anymore,” she said, tossing a petrol bomb into the Vice Chancellor’s office. “Violence should be destroyed with extreme prejudice.”

Despite yearly cuts to funding and subsidies, as well as government pressure sto continue yearly growth at 10% per annum, VC’s and university officials are assureing students that the money situation should not even be thought of.

“Yes, everyone’s asking how we’ll ever be able to pay for journal subscriptions, upkeep and maintenance, proposed expansions to meet growing student numbers, wages and salaries for staff and lecturers, and still also give out research grants, bursaries and scholarship opportunities as well as financial assistance, but students shouldn’t worry,” said the new VC in charge, Eric Sanders. “We’ve heaped some fertilizer onto the campus money tree, and the campus money printing press has had its dial turned up to 11, so it should all be good.”

Students have gathered at the Main Admin Block (pictured)
to celebrate their stunning achievement. 

However, students remain opposed to the movement.

“Violence is laaike never the answer, charna,” said TUKS BA Fingerpainting student and rugby spectator Ekvil Moerem, “It doesn’t matter if it’s educations, or paintings, or busts of historically progressive figures – you know, anything what isn’t rugby. What they need to learn is that Nothing will ever be resolved by devolving into violence and destruction.”

And it’s a lesson Moerem believes they will learn.

“Even if we – or the police – need to beat that lesson into them.”

Government earmarks R4 billion to wine and dine citizens before fucking them

Citizens can celebrate today, after the ANC government today announced plans to set aside nearly R4 billion to treat South Africans to a lovely evening out before totally fucking them.

Government, which is already moving into the preliminary phases of the program by making reservations at that gorgeous little Italian place you love you so much, says that they should have wined and dined their first schmuck voter by June 2016 at the latest – and they are sparing no expense.

“Let us be 100% clear – after the dust of elections has settled next year, we’re going to roger those voters nice and proper,” said ANC spokesperson Hum Pandump. “We at Luthuli house just sat down and agreed that the least we could do is take them out for a nice bite to eat at Luigi’s, compliment them on their dress or fancy shirt, maybe hold the door open for them when we arrive, and listen to their problems and complains and fears, before well and truly ass-ramming the life and breathe out of them.”

Government promises it will spare no expense
in the lead up to screwing you.

South Africans are excited.

"Hell, by now I'm sure that most of us are used to just getting totally effed over and hung out to dry without even so much as a cursory 'thanks for your hard-earned tax rands and continuing support and stoicism of our ever-worsening regime of self-serving nepotism'," said one Johannesburg man. "It's just nice to be acknowledged every once in a while: to have them say 'you allow us, year in and year out, to keep doing ridiculous shit that would otherwise have us impeached. Thank you, Mr Voter."

He added that "it's going to be nice to see the government paying for voters to eat fancy dinners.

"It's just a refreshing break from what we're used to, you know?"

And despite mounting concerns by the South African Medical Board of Psychologists that this is just another textbook stage in an ever more abusive relationship, South Africans are pleased.

“I know that I promised I’d never let them back into my life that last time after the incident with service delivery and Eskom, but maybe he’s changed,” said ANC-voting stalwart Jackson Pieterson. “Sure, all my friends are convinced that he just wants me for my money and silent stoicism, but maybe he’s different this time. Maybe all those warnings that he’s just going to hurt me and everyone I know – again – are just silly paranoia.”

Government now swears that it has changed their ways.

“We’re not going to just abandon them after the big, exciting election night,” said ANC Electoral Campaigns Manager Loven Leevue. “We promise that we’ll call them in the morning – just as long as they don’t start up again about how much money we need to repay them.”

Nkandla is totally justified and necessary

Police Minister finds that Zuma does not have to pay back any money for the “security upgrades” to his luxury hotel in KwaZulu Natal Province. What do we make of these s-Nkdandla-lous developments? Well, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen knows: that they’re totally justified and necessary, and that they don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the upgrades Zuma still needs.

Pic: John A Forbes from http://www.panoramio.com/photo/84617082
(Attribution; Share-alike license)

My friends, we’ve all heard the news. We’re enraged. We’re furious. How could the Minister of Police – after everything, after the Public Protector’s report, after Parliamentary ruckuses and fights, after all the hundreds of newspaper articles – possibly say that Zuma doesn’t have to pay back anything of the near half a billion rand he spent on his private residence?

Well, the answer is simple: he’s right.

The (correctly arguing) Minister rightfully states that Zuma needs a security amphitheatre – for dignitaries to meet him, and as a security meeting point. If, by chance, the amphitheatre is used for parties or theatrical productions of musical performances, does this at all diminish the security aspect of this addition? If you built a fortress, and then everyone used it for Kurt Darren concerts, would that make it any less of a fortress? No.

The same goes for the installed Security chicken coops and Security cattle kraals. Having been nudged semi-violently by a cow once, I personally know how important it is to keep a barrier between poor defenceless humans – at the whim of these ultimately superior bovine predators, since all we have are better brains, opposable thumbs, critical reasoning and access to tools – and the deadly, bloodthirsty species of cattle and poultry. Those peckers can be blerrie dangerous.

And then we have the security firepool. In this technologically unadvanced day and age, where we don’t have dedicated firefighting services and where we understand nothing about the Dark and Mysterious Hidden Magicks of Fire, how could Zuma possibly defend himself against an out-of-control braai fire? In fact, scientists say that the only reason we add chlorine to our swimming pools is because it’s an excellent flame retardant. Skeptical? Well, I ask you, have you ever seen water that is burning? Of course you haven’t. You’re not Adele.

Friends, all of these upgrades in the Pesky Protectorate’s report are absolutely vital. And what’s more, they are just the first in many upgrades Zuma not only needs, but deserves.

All these additions have been carefully thought out, all aimed at letting Jacob Zuma live in peace, prosperity and, most importantly, safety with his small family of, like, only 100 people. After all, doesn’t the most hated president of our time need this extra protection?

Think about all that he’s done in the past couple of years, and it makes total sense. When it comes to protecting the life and safety of someone as globally reviled as Zuma, who can really say that any safety precaution is an unnecessary extravagance?

I mean, I talk about racism and sexism and misogyny and other non-existent topics once or twice, and I get death threats. Can you imagine what the father of South Africa 2015 must get? Can you imagine how many threats and embittered hate you must rack up if you, oh, I don’t know, keep Angie Motshegka as Minister of Basic Education, or have Blade “#StudentsMustFall” Nzimande as Minister for Tertiary Education? Can you imagine the scorn and contempt that must be heaped on you if you were to go into Parliament and laugh, out loud, at an entire country when they say you’re being a greedy fuck?

No, friends – he needs all of these upgrades, and more. For his own good.

That’s why the rooms are equipped with Security Dolby 3.0 Sound Systems from Sennheiser: to ensure that security warnings can be broadcast around the various mansions, in full surround sound so that no one will underestimate the urgency of the emergency. Of course, without the necessary backup security ultra-HD 4x-resolution Samsung 108-inch TVs in every room, this measure is just not useful or adequate.

Then there’s the Security Pub and grill. This secure location comes equipped with security-expert-formulated liquids all scientifically tested to ensure the security of our president and his families, including but not limited to Security Johnny Walker Blue, DEFCON 1 Glenfiddich, and, of course, NATIONAL EMERGENCY Moët & Chandon Bi Centenary Cuvée Dry Imperial 1943. Add this to an adjoining security kitchen, with food rated five stars in both taste and security, and you can see how this isn’t about a mad agenda of self-serving greed, nor is it an abuse of an uncontrolled system of rampant spending.

And in extreme cases, Zuma and his extended entourage will need a fleet of security vehicles – and these will need to be fast to get away from potential threats. A Security Maserati, perhaps, or a Security Bugatti Veyron, so that they can escape danger to their Security G9 Private Jet.

And finally, in case that the whole country realises his true nature and goes to hell, Zuma will need a safe and secure location to lay low while the danger blows over: a Security Safemansion, on a Security Private Island in the Security Bahamas.

You know, just as long as it's as far as possible from the President's Office of The Republic of South Africa.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Pic of Kraal: Creative-commons licence from GovernmentZA, Flickr (GCIS).
Pic of Zuma from Official SA Govt Website.

Student voter torn between best friend, guy with nice poster

Uncertainty reigns today, after a student voter is unsure whether to cast his vote for Student President in favour of his best friend, or the guy with an awesome poster and unlimited printing credit.

According to sources close to the 21-year-old BSC student James Sullivan, the decision is a tough one.

“On the one hand, Brad is my best mate,” said the unnamed insider, “and in such important decisions that effect the entire student body you're kinda obliged to vote for your friends. Hell, voting your best mates into the presidency has been a tradition that stretches back hundreds of years.”

“But on the other hand, the other guy [Presidential Candidate Eric Ramalack] has such an awesome poster. I mean, he’s wearing a suit, he’s looking tough and serious, and it’s covered in words like ‘transformation’, ’accountability’, ‘transparency’ and ‘responsibility’. You take one look at that badboy and it becomes immediately clear how qualified and experienced he is, and how he is the ideal candidate for the job.”

As can clearly be seen, this candidate possesses all the
skills necessary to bring about excellent
student governance.

Sullivan himself has expressed guilt and frustration.

“This is a momentous decision of incredibly huge ramifications that will affect not just me, but the entire student body,” he said. “If I don’t pick Brad, then that means every time he buys me a beer or lends me his psych notes or agrees to sign the attendance register at History and Appreciation of Music, I’ll feel awful.”

“But if I pick Eric, then I won’t be able to have an inside man to organise the artists and bands that I want to see performing at the Great Field Party or [the] Tri-Var[sity Tournament],” he said. “I mean, I’ve never looked into what the SRC do, but that’s obviously the only thing they ever do during the entire year. So yeah.”

However, Student Political analysts say there is still time for an underdog candidate to snatch the presidency away from these favourites.

“We’ve got some really strong candidates for student leadership this year, with all the qualities you’d want in someone in charge of nearly 8000 students,” said Politics editor of campus newspaper Coppie-Paste, Karl Styabalots. “Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if the hot blonde chick in the short black dress takes it, or even the guy in first year who says ‘my comrades’ and ‘chief’ a lot.”

Whatever Sullivan’s decision, one thing is clear.

“I’m definitely not voting for that guy in fourth year who has had two years’ experience in the SRC,” he scoffed. “I mean, all he’s saying is shit like ‘work on realistic goals, like fighting for lower fees and a better DP return rate’; He’s not even campaigning for better res food, vending machines on campus, or even a shuttle service up the hill. Why anyone would ever want that guy in charge just defies logic.”

Historic protest “actually pretty damn boring”, says protester

Pic by M de Klerk

Disappointment abounds today, after protesters – who turned out in their hundreds expecting to face tear gas, stun grenades and the terrifying history of brutality of the South African Police Service – realised that historic, nation-changing protests are far more peaceful and boring than their media feeds make them seem.

“What’s even the damn point in being here?” said embittered protester Molly Tov, altering her placard to read ‘Ban stun grenades – but come on, just use one so I can see what it’s all about’.

“I’ve seen dozens of hours of video of flashbang grenades, chemical watercannons that drive you crazy with itching, and rubber bullets; I’ve read countless articles outlining the ceaseless street violence, racial tensions, and rampant vandalism. Where is all this stuff? All I've seen today is just a peaceful protest demanding a long-overdue, positive change for the future. I mean, WTF is this kak?”

Protests mill around awkwardly waiting for the first
stun grenade to be thrown like in their
Twitter feeds.
Pic: M de Klerk

Other protesters have agreed.

“A few days ago I was so excited to do my bit: you know, stand against the exploitative capitalist system, maybe march a bit, not have to hand in my Economics essay that’s due later today,” said post-graduate Economics student Reeva Lution. “I turned on the news on TV and all I saw was endless replayed footage and in-studio analysts saying ‘blerrie students looting and destroying campus and spraying blerrie graffiti everywhere’. And then I get here and all it is boring hours of standing peacefully by barricades, turning cars away, calmly explaining our agenda to passers-by. I didn’t even get beaten to a pulp or wrongfully arrested. What kind of protest is this?”

However, some students say they might know the reason for such counter-intuitive events.

“I’m busy dusting off my application for NMMU and UCT,” said second-year Anthropology student, Emma Pee. “That way I can get a decent education AND have better struggle credentials from taking a smoke grenade to the back of the head.”

Whatever the controversy, all protesters can agree that the protest action shows how South Africa is transforming into an enviable nation of peace and progress.

“Let’s just think about what we’ve accomplished this week: the SAPS didn’t murder hundreds of civilians, Blade Nzimande actually fucking did something for a change, and students realised that people protesting to make their fees cheaper isn’t something they should bitch about on Twitter,” said the MIPMustFall movement in a statement this morning.

"Now we just have to get our protest movement to focus on the things that truly hurt and disadvantage all university students: Tuesday's Braised Club Steak in the Dining Hall. That shit needs to fall, ASAP.

Turning topic into race, gender issue “exactly what was needed”

True progress showed itself on Facebook today, after an innocent, inoffensive status was immediately turned into a racial and gender issue.

The post, which was a harmless joke about the Springbok’s match last weekend against New Zealand, only lasted 12 minutes before being skewed and twisted out of context and proportion to become an embittered flamewar about racism and sexism in the white-supremacist-capitalist patriarchy of televised sports culture. In just one day it attracted thousands of comments and arguments from incensed online commenters.

The status’s author, Jake Hendersen, now says that he’s glad they’ve started a “conversation” around race and sexism.

“You know, when I posted my status I just wanted to poke fun at New Zealand friends about this weekend’s match and say ‘springboks r the best lol all blacks are so useless’, not knowing my awful spelling would cause a digital meltdown,” he told reporters this morning.

“But now that hundreds of people are typing out ALL-CAPS hate speech, racial slurs, ad hominem attacks and demands that the idiots on the opposing side go read a fucking book, I’m glad to see a ‘discussion’ has started. This is just the first step one a long, arduous journey to a future free of racism, gender-based hatred, and harmless humour.

The post, which now stands at 21 485 likes and 11 792 comments, has been called “just what we all needed” by Human Rights advocacy groups.

“This is how we change the world: by getting people coming together, talking, discussing, and calling each other 'total retards who haven’t even read a book in their damn lives',” said chief researcher for Rights For All, Nelson King Jr. “You know, a lot of people might say, ‘oh, Nelson, but completely misunderstanding and detracting from the simplistic comedic value of the original post and embroiling the entire internet in a foetid clusterfuck of ad hominem attacks and fallacious, shallow arguments littered with faulty logic or emotional jabs will just divide and separate us all,’ but that’s where they’re wrong,” he said.

“This is how true progress is made: by just putting everything on the table, showing our cards, and turning every internet user against each other in a horrible, embarrassing hate-thread that everyone tires of in just minutes.”

However, internet analysts now believe such a peace could be all too brief.

“People have the ability to overcome great barriers and create a better, more tolerant future of peace and prosperity devoid of casual humour,” said web expert Hilby Bloggin.

“But come on, this is the 21st century. How could there ever be lasting peace when every ten minutes we have something like Caitlyn Jenner or Cecil the Lion to hate each other over?”

Other SA towns “much shittier places to live” agree Joburg, Capetown inhabitants

Remarkable social progress has been made today, after Capetonians and Joburgers of all walks of life set aside their differences and agreed that, while both their respective cities were indeed crap places to live, Port Elizabeth (as well as thousands of other towns across South Africa) is a much more shit place to live in comparison.

The warring tribes, which have long and bitterly argued whose city is a better place to live, came together in hours-long peace talks yesterday, eventually emerging united in the belief that that “at least we don’t live in that windy craphole”.

“The history of this battle has been long and vicious,” said Cape Town Mayor Weeva Mountin, who attended the talks. “We have a dark, ugly history of pointless online flamewars and tongue-in-cheek blog posts trying to convince others - but mostly ourselves - that every city but ours is a far, far crappier place to live.”

Pictured: Joburg artist's depiction of Cape Town

“Today we’ve accepted the hard facts of the matter,” he said. "We’ve both realised that the other side is kinda right, and have accepted that our cities are in many ways shit places to live. However, we’ve also agreed that, while we might live in godless pits, at least every other place in South Africa is a much, much worse place to live, like, say, Potgeitersburg, or - Jesus - Mahikeng. God, can you imagine?”

And the cities’ citizens agree.

“We’ve been here a thousand times,” said Capetonian of two-decades, Arvie Gannipster. “Joburg is shit because it has no beaches, it has no small hipster bars that serve Thai-Eskimo fusion food, it has no art scene, and worst of all, it has no huge beautiful mountain.”

“Yes,” agreed Johannesburg resident Victor Mofcrime, “just like Capetown is a shithole because it has no lucrative financial scene, no high flashy lifestyle of clubs and women, and no stock exchange.”

“But we’ve finally come to an agreement: at least neither of us live in port Elizabeth. Or, Jesus, literally any town in fucking Kwa-zulu Natal.”

Pictured: Capetonian artist's depiction of Johannesburg

Scientists have welcomed the findings as “utterly factual and not at all biased.”

“You might think that this is just a case of Urban Cognitive Dissonance, that they’re just obliged to not hate these cities just because they live there and this brings about a warped sense of belonging,” said senior researcher at the Centre for Comparative Research, Eliza Tombself, “but in fact it’s a 100% legitimate, evidence-based claim to make. Quite simply, it's good, hard science.”

But despite the controversy, Port Elizabeth residents remain unconvinced.

“Oh come on. They're just totally jealous of our giant flag and unrivaled ore-loading facilities, not to mention our status as primary motor vehicle producer of SA and largest supplier of vulcanised rubber tyres," said Port Elizabeth Mayor Portia Harboursen.

"Yes, we may have a foul-smelling industrial stretch, incessant godawful wind and basically all the bad things of both those cities [of Cape Town and Johannesburg] in general,” she said, “but at least we don’t have e-tolls, or an economy based solely on coffee-shop takings and pretending to be an artist.”

“Besides,” he added, “I think we all know that, actually, East London is the real shithole.”

Muse and Abuse would like to state that at least we don’t live in Zimbabwe. And if you do, well, at least you don’t live in Burundi.

Local bouncer douche to get GP licence plate tattoo

Citing fears that people can’t immediately tell he’s an gigantic arsehole, local area bouncer and gym squat rack hogger Blake “Bee-rad” Bradson is reportedly set to get a tattoo of his Gauteng GP car registration plates.

Bradson told reporters that this latest commissioned work, which is identical to the plates on his orange Subaru WRX with chrome 26-inch mags, will be inked onto his lower right bicep, just below the spiky tribal waves design, the armband of flames and barbed wire, the red heart with an arrow through it, and the map of Africa.

Bradson says he hopes the tattoo will allow passers-by a clear glimpse into his deeper personality.

“I might work as a bouncer at a too-expensive club who lets in only blonde rich girls with skirts shorter than my list of tertiary qualifications, but right now I’m just not sure that people can see how of a giant prick I really am,” he said. “I’m hoping that they’ll be able to glance at me across the street, see my new licence plate tat and say ‘god, I'm certain that that guy is an incomparably massive tool’ without my having to actually walk up to them and do something massively arseholeish.”

“Besides,” he added, “this new piece should go lovely with my steroid addiction and deep-seated rage issues stemming from a difficult childhood without a loving or supportive father figure.”

However, medical experts say the addition is not without its risks and side-effects.

“When we consider the kind of empty, soulless human being Blake is, then we realise that this choice of tattoo is totally fitting,” said leading tattoologist and medical expert Dr Richard Haversham. “Getting a tattoo of a Gauteng car registration is much like wearing an Ed Hardy or TapOut T-shirt, or getting spiraling tribal wave designs inked down your calves: having them doesn’t automatically make you an arsehole, but most arseholes do have them.”

Haversham, who has studied behavioural psychology in inked subjects for over a decade, says that such a tattoo could provoke severe psychological side-effects, such as cutting random people off in the line at the supermarket, always being on his phone, or even yelling at people at the streets and calling them all flippen’ stupid blind idiots who must learn how to flippen’ drive.

“Whereas a Bluejay on his ankle would merely make him an artsy prick, or some quotation in Sanskrit or Japanese ciphers down his back would just make him a pretentious hipster douche who places far too much value in his parent-funded two-week ‘soul-searching’ trip to Thailand, this tattoo could have truly heavy ramifications,” said Haversham.

“Honestly, in as little as two weeks we could see things like severe insecurity, festering rage, and him using the flashlight function on his phone to blind people who walk too slowly in front of him.”

Racist shocked at friend’s overt display of liberalism

Friends and family of a Johannesburg man have expressed disgust and shock today, after his embarrassing and brazen display of outright liberalism at a dinner last night.

According to those closest to 26-year-old Jacob Van Rensburg, the liberal-arts student went on a “long and loathsome” rant about equal rights and the so-called ‘unscientific approach to apparently race-based characteristics’.

“We were just sitting there, having a nice dinner, enjoying a lovely couple of beers, talking about how these blerrie baboons are destroying the country, and he suddenly just blurts out this vile and twisted monologue about ‘outmoded stereotypes’ and ‘a backwards and overly facile conflation of genetic and socioeconomic factors’,” said Jacob’s father, Adrien Willem Bennie (AWB) Van Rensburg. “I think it goes without saying that we’re all utterly repulsed by this horrific outburst of tolerance and understanding.”

His mother recalled the traumatising evening, fighting back her tears.

“It was such a nice get-together,” she recalled. “His uncles from Orania and our grandfather, who emigrated to Australia in April of 1994, had come down for the holidays. Anyway, we were talking about the crime problem and Eskom and corruption and thievery, when Jakkie just starts yammering on about how racial characteristics have no innate bearing on intelligence. It was so embarrassing! And he was doing it right in front of our white waiter! I think the worst thing was that we couldn’t even chide him on his awful, naïve, worldly views because he was paying for the meal.”

Jacob has since apologised for his “utterly loathesome rant”, saying that he had assumed it was safe to air such unconventional views.

“You know, I’d had a bit too much to drink, a few too many beers, and I thought that I was in a safe, private space – among family and like-minded friends,” he explained contritely. “I apologise for my deeply shameful words, and promise to never again let such lucidity and common sense come between me and my family again.”

His family have since accepted his apology, saying that Jacob ‘seems to be on the right track again.’

“We’re confident he’s realised the error of his ways,” said his father. “I mean, yesterday he dropped the k-bomb when a waiter short-changed us.”

“Now if we could only do something about his stupid stance against homophobia.”

Why Charles Darwin is Satan (not just a theory!)

A guest post by Cardinal Johan Eksteen

My dear Brothers and Sisters in Our Lord Jesus Christ, I think it’s about time we had a serious talk. Recently, it has come to my attention that a dangerous book is circulating our society. A book filled with lies and drivel. A book that has brainless monkeys on a slow journey to become fully intelligent beings in it. Yes, I think we all know what book we’re talking about.

No, not the 2014 Guide to Ministerial Cabinet Members in South Africa.

I’m talking about Charles “The Insane Doctor” Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species.

The scientific community wants you to believe this piece of Satan’s handiwork. Schools want to teach it to our innocent children. God-hating atheists want you to think it’s holy writ. But I’ve read it. And I think it’s time we debunked this heap of putrid half-truths for what it is.

• It’s just a theory

  First of all, it’s just a theory. That’s why it’s called the “Theory” of evolution. Words don’t lie. A theory is a theory, no matter how you or a generation of white-coated buffoons want to define it. And while most scientists - apparently 97% of them – believe that it is an irrefutable account for the man’s roots and history, remember that we’re talking about a community in which that same 97% of followers believe in so-called “climate change”. And this last fact brings us neatly to our next damning point.

• The community is a bunch of godless fibbers

  All science is a is a school of thought. It’s a collection of beliefs about what the world is. That’s all. So when you choose to blindly follow science, you’re choosing to simply follow an age-old system of ultra-strict rules and doctrines. Worse yet, they don’t even have faith. How can you have faith that what you believe is the Truth? Because of test tubes and experiments?

  To this, I ask: “which is more stunning proof: a series of methodical and repeatable observations by fallible men (thankfully, not many woman are leaders in the community; that much we have in common at least), or the awe-inspiring, breath-taking miracles of God? The titration of two substances X and Y to give precipitate Z, or the Ten Deadly Plagues that Our Merciful and Heavenly Father visited on the Egyptians, as factually documented in all historical accounts since the Roman era? The choice is obvious.

• It’s just an old book

  The book they all read and believe is old. How old? Who knows. Maybe even as much as a hundred years old. Maybe even older. Things were different back then. But times have changed. Are you going to believe an outmoded, obsolete book, or the holy, timeless decree of God Our Saviour as written , translated, retranslated, adapted, revised, and reviewed by a series of unknown authors?

• Just look at Charles Darwin. Look at him.
  
  
  

  He’s an old, white bearded guy, delivering his rules and laws from some faraway land – rules which were first fomented many hundreds of years ago. Are you going to believe a bunch of commands and ‘facts’ just because a benevolent Grandfather figure handed them down over generations to us?

• It’s homophobic

  Evolution, as it currently stands, hates the gay community. If two gay men want to pass both of their genetic material onto a child, bigoted science tells them it’s impossible because of ‘primary sexual characteristics’ and ‘the intricacies of sexual reproduction’ and ‘same-sex human sexual reproductive incompatibility in evolutionary theory’. We don’t do that. Well, not any more. Gays wanna hook up? Fine by us. Gays want to have children? Go ahead! In our loving, accepting community – especially now that we’ve apologised for at least some of our heinous so-called ‘crimes’ that we committed centuries ago – gays can do what they want. Except, you know, get married.

• You can’t even see evolution!

  If evolution really exists – if its timeless and eons-long process is really there, guiding Mankind and all other species down its course – why can’t we see it? Why isn’t it active today, performing wondrous acts of Evolution on a daily basis? Why hasn’t evolution of anything been visible since the book was written? It’s damning evidence – almost as damning as the question “why are there still monkeys around today if we’re all supposed to evolve?”

• It’s repressive

  What is Evolution, after you strip away all the colourful promises and flattering pretences? I’ll tell you: it’s just a bunch of laws and texts that tell us what to think and what to feel and what to believe. If you don’t believe them and their ‘ineffable scientific method’, they shun you, belittle your beliefs, and oversimplify the basic tenets of you arguments to make you look like a moron or someone who simply can’t understand the simplest facts about the world. Would the church ever do such a thing?

• As an Origin story, it’s total nonsense

  Have you read this garbage? “We come from monkeys?” “Over millions of years we slowly became modern humans?” Who would believe such fruit-of-the-tree-of-knowledge-less, talking-snake-less drivel? Who could even hold for just a moment the preposterous idea that the world is older than 6000 years? Who could ever doubt for even a second that everything – from ferns and grapes to whales, modern man and the mighty rhinoceros – was made in just seven days? Hell-bound tricksters and rascals, that’s who.

Well, folks, I hope you can now see why this baseless book of buffoonery is something we should all be wary of. Join me next week, when I disprove The Big Bang Theory and the entirely of Quantum Physics (quarks and gluons! What absolute rot!)

Until then, remember to eat the symbolic flesh of a long-dead human man who killed himself to make himself forgive all sins past, present and future that came about because two people he made (one from the rib of the other, or not, depending on which part of the Bible you read) in a debatable order of species creation ate an apple that gave them the knowledge of understanding why eating the apple was such a big No-No in the first place.

Pics: Public Domain.

Archive footage proves cricket once contained sport

Fans of going to stadia to get drunk, wear colourful gear and ogle the dancing cheerleaders were left in speechless shock today, after Television Sports Channel directors announced this week their discovery of stunning proof that Cricket once actually contained elements of sport.

"It's definitely proof," said DSTV Sport Channel Director Hyle Eiyts. "We have found video evidence that proves once and for all those claims that we all found so ridiculous: that cricket once actually had scores and players and teams and stuff."

Many fans, however, are staunchly disbelieving, saying that it's impossible.

"We all know and love Cricket. The colours, the flags, the beer, the dancing chicks, cheering every once in a while because someone in the middle of the field where we all go to celebrate the festival hits a ball over the fence dividing us from the VIP members in pads and helmets. I just can't believe that such a wonderful thing would have come from a such a blatant snooze-fest."

However, sports historians say the discovery is a real eye-opener.

“Watching the footage, we finally have some idea of how exciting, how truly riveting this sport once was,” said sports footage curator and discoverer Shu-Tsin Slomo. “In fact, it was considered TOO exciting. They had to control, limit, the sport to stop people descending into mad chaos caused by the sheer adrenaline flood that inevitably stems from watching a bunch of men standing on a field of grass for hours on end while pairs of them run up and down a short stretch of dirt, every once in a while doing something you can actually see from the stands.”

Slomo outlined the changes they were forced to make to conserve the fabric of social integrity.

"The sport was so exciting, so mind-bogglingly brain-blowing that they had to shorten games to just one day instead of five days," he explained. "It was so breath-takingly intense, so life-alteringly incredible, that they had to cut the sport from 50 awe-inspiring 'overs' to just 20. It was that hectic."

Since the discovery, many historians have stepped forward with corroborating evidence, showing how these massive changes were just not enough to stop fans rioting out of sheer, psyche-destroying ecstacy.

"The changes they made were big, but not big enough," they said in a joint collaborative report. "They soon realised that this day-long drama was too dangerously moving to intense states of interest and euphoria that they had to alter it even more."

They explained in more depth.

"After television was invented, they had to limit the damage. They cut out vast tracts of the sport, showing just highlights and replays of single interesting aspects - like a hit, or a catch, or a wicket being blown out of the ground. They would water down these images with what were then frivolous distractions and add-ons: the drinking, the wild fans, the bright colours, the crying spectators, the batsman making a religious sign after hitting a ball, the dancing girls. It is from this tradition that our modern Cricket originates."

Fans who have heard about the news, however, say that the changes to Cricket will no revert anytime soon.

"The world has changed," one said. "To go back to long so-called games and these weird Five-Day-Internationals with 50 overs and multiple innings - why would we do that? That would be like reading a long, boring news story in a newspaper when you could just read the tweet online."

Readers wanting to know more about this but, like, TLDR, can just read the tweet on @WheresMattyNow.

Angie Motshekga – Matric is “not that easy”

The government has struck back at critics of the Education System and the Department of Education this morning, after a statement released by somehow-still-Minister for Basic Education Angie Motshekga and signed by almost 100 Members of Parliament declared that “Matric exams aren’t easy” and that “we’d know, because we tried to do one.”

“Everyone is criticising it, saying it’s simple, it’s too easy, that the standard of education is falling quickly, but it really isn’t,” said Motsekga at a press conference in Johannesburg today.

Many MPs have agreed, having taken the exam themselves.

“The first question was quite challenging, but I eventually figured it out after maybe fifteen minutes of thought,” said Minister of Agriculture Lander Eforme. “But after I wrote down my name in that first blank, I realised that being asked my name isn’t actually a part of the question paper - and then I couldn’t go past the real Question One, which was something about two numbers and a small cross between them. I put my head in my hands and looked around Parliament at everyone else’s anxious, confused faces and thought, ‘Jesus, what are these hieroglyphics? Have we done this in class?’”

Minister Motshekga has slammed criticism of Matric,
saying, "Me, Malema, Zille and Zuma all agree - that's
seventeen people who prove my point."
pic:Flickr, Governmentza

According to Motshekga, 100% of the MPs who sat the exam failed to get over the minimum 33% pass mark, proving that the exam isn’t as easy as many claim.

“These critics, people like Johnathan Jansen, they are wrong about the exams,” she said, “and by wrong I mean more wrong that you’re allowed to be to be deemed eligible to get a Matric.”

Though some of the submitted papers did garner a few correct marks here and there, exam markers have now determined this to be “merely coincidental.”

“If we look at the papers themselves, statistically speaking they could only have gotten a few lucky ticks,” said script marker Nawt San-Krosis, “because the ANC just filled in all the (A) and (C) boxes on the multiple choice grids, with Helen Zille and her cadre of counterrevolutionaries filling in all the (D) and (A) choices. COPE and Agang didn’t provide any of their own problems to the solution, but probably just tried to peek over their neighbours' shoulders to steal some answers and points and pretend it was their original thoughts.”

The full results of the experiment, however, are not known.

“We don’t know what how the EFF did, because firstly there aren’t any (E) or (F) choices on the grid, and secondly because they staged a mass walk-out when the Woodwork Exam Question Papers were handed out. “

Despite all this, Motshekga says that she and other Organs of State were not worried by these Parliamentary failures.

“You don’t need a Matric to run a country,” she said. “Just ask Jacob.”

However, to combat possible issues they have announced new legislation and changes in law and education, such as protecting doctors in medical malpractice suits who only get one or two things wrong.

“If he cuts you open, fixes your liver, and then sews you up nicely, but accidentally leaves a box of needles in you, that’s okay, because that’s more than 33% correct.”

Motshekga and her coworkers are also excited to announce a new series of Matric Examination Papers, such as Put The Coloured Blocks In The Right-Shaped Holes and new multiple choice style papers in fitting with today’s high standard of education.

Blatter and Brazil "won't last, just a fling" - relationship experts

Relationship experts have extended their warnings and concerns to buxom young bombshell Brazil this morning, saying they believe current flame Sepp Blatter "does not have her best interests at heart", and that she should as soon as possible get herself out of what is sure to become a traumatic and abusive relationship.

"Brazil is young, carefree and just mad about Football," said concerned friends and family after they read the report, "and so we can see why she'd be attracted to Blatter - but she's not thinking straight. She doesn't know what she's getting into, what huge ramifications that await her down this dark, miserable and dreary path."

Blatter has reportedly moved into his new love interest's home - but is already showing his dark side.

"She's had to force some of her brothers and sisters to move out and make room for all the strangers Blatter knows, and I think he's making her spend all her money on things for him," said Brazil's close friend and neighbour Ura Guay. "He doesn't care about her. He just wants to ravage her, take, take, take, and then one day, after all the partying and celebration is over, she'll wake up hungover and mired in debt and see that he has left her, the bastard, and is now fawning over some young Italy or England, showering the same empty promises and praise over them even as he slips their wallets and jewellery into his coat pocket."

Pictured: Swiss hunk, badboy, Micheal Caine
impersonator, and Brazil's toxic new
boyfriend, Blatter.

Already past lovers and weeping, struggling exes have added their voices to the controversy, saying that "Blatter is sexy, yes, that's undeniable - every young country wants him" but that "entering a relationship with him was a sure sign of desperation and misery to come."

"I can remember how he acted like I was the only country he cared about," said a teary South Africa, who told a sympathetic media of their abusive relationship. "He made me feel young, proud, like I was actually equal to all those other first-world babes he's been with, stringing me along with all these lies about how I was the envy of all the other countries, how I could be the best in the world - despite my current medical condition, Bafana-bafanaeriosis."

Soon, she said, things turned sour.

"He started buying all this stuff we don't need - like an upper-middle-class Capetonian in a Woolworths," said South Africa, hugging her knees. "I told him, again and again, that I had health bills, socioeconomic issues, I needed proper housing and to improve my infrastructure. But he was a toxin, addictive and dangerous. He showed me a big, glitzy world, and we went mad, buying massive stadiums, overhauling city busses and all this other stuff."

She wiped away her tears, struggling to contain sobs, of which we got a wonderful 1080p HD close-up.

"And the worst part is, it now all just lies around, unused and gathering dust, a haunting reminded of the mistakes I made. I should have known! There's a reason he looks like a Sith Lord!"

However, experts now predict that the toxic fling will burn out in about a month - perhaps even less.

"He's been harping on to close friends and mates in the bar about how fiiiiiine Qatar is looking, that he just wants to get in there and rip that ass up, take what he can and dump the bitch," said one analyst. "He's sick."

And in related news, a country is increasingly concerned and anxious that it will soon be eligible to host a World Cup. The country appeared on TV this morning, a sorry mess biting its nails and pacing back and forth, to say that it was probably as worried as Planet XL22194 was when it was diagnosed in 2004 by Astrophysicists as "capable of one day supporting the rampant ecological destruction commonly known as 'human life'."

I didn’t want third term – Zuma

A contrite and sheepish Zuma shocked reporters at a press conference, after he admitted that his whole first two terms in government were an attempt to make people never vote him back into office and that “he didn’t even want another term anyway”.

“Someone once said that with great power comes great responsibility,” he told gathered reporters who were desperately trying to work out if this was some advanced form of satire or not. “I was thrust into a position where, no matter what I did, no matter what accusations or criminal charges were brought against me, no matter how much money I siphoned off from my people and what ridiculous things I said, I would still be assured the loyal, undying support of thousands of people – even those who were directly being harmed or disadvantaged by my actions. No one should have that kind of power. It’ll destroy your soul.”

Zuma went on to outline how, upon hearing his ascendency to power, he knew he had to save South Africa by getting himself out the pilot’s seat.

“In my first term, I started this long ordeal. After the Arms Deal controversy, the whole rape accusations and ridiculous shower comments denying AIDS, I started diverting millions of Rands into my own private residence in Nkandla all at the taxpayers' expense when everyone in the village around me were still mired in dire, abject poverty, struggling to eat and fine employment… I thought people would be able to see how grossly unqualified and unsuitable I was to run a country. Hell, I called a swimming pool ‘an emergency fire pool’ for godsakes!” he said.

Even this, he said, was not enough.

“Still, they marched and wore the yellow T-shirt and voted,” he said. “And still I was President. After that, I knew drastic action was necessary.”

Zuma told how he immediately increased the size of his Cabinet despite the economic situation of South Africa, and that he also reinstated Angie Motshekga and Bheki Cele.

“I took practically the two biggest mistakes in South Africa today, with their ‘there is no school crisis’ and ‘shoot to kill’ bullshit, and gave them back their old jobs. Surely, now people will realise what's going on?”

Zuma is now hopeful that his path of destruction will eventually teach South Africans to choose a better calibre of leader – but he is increasingly worried it still won’t be enough.

“People ask me, 'iJacob, why can't you just tell people? Why do you have to be a massive dick - not that Brett Murray thinks that - to change voters' minds?' and I tell them, 'sometimes telling a child not to play with pots of boiling water is enough. Sometimes you have to let them burn themselves so that they never repeat that mistake.' To tell the truth, I’m crossing fingers, but it’s not looking good,” he admitted. “Sure, a lot of other parties are making inroads toward securing a larger voting percentage, but at this stage I might have to be President for at least one more term.”

He added, however, that he was committed to ‘reeducating South Africans’.

“You’ll see how serious I am in my second term,” he told reporters. “I can promise you that, by 2020, you’ll be begging me to leave.

Zuma leaves today for Johannesburg to kick off the second month of his Second Term, where he will personally drown a basket of kittens at Nomfezo Orphanage in Soweto.

Next Nkandla to be built entirely out of money

Following the controversial announcements by Jacob Zuma of another State-funded expensive money-hole to be built next to his existing State-funded money-hole, the ANC has today assured South Africans of all kinds (beloved comrades and counterrevolutionary sellouts alike) that this next project would be constructed entirely out of pure money and thus “far, far cheaper than before.”

“We might have gone just a teensy, tiny bit over budget that last time, you know, what with the fire pools and security chicken coops and anti-theft cattle kraals and defense tuckshops,” said head architect Affyieu de Zynflauz, “but this time around we’ll save millions and millions of Rands by just making the whole house out of money.”

He explained

"Before, we had a lot of 'scope creep' and disagreements about budgets and final costs. We'd put aside money for bricks and cement, only to see that it actually cost double. This way, if we want a million rand worth of bricks, it will definitely only cost us a million rand. Plus architect's fee, of course."

He laid out his plans, detailing how each cost-cutting method would save stacks of taxpayers’ rands.

“Gone are the days of bricks and concrete blocks and foundations,” he said. “We’ll just get stacks and stacks for R200 notes and tie them together with elastic bands and use those. There’s a reason why they are called ‘bricks’ of money, don’t you know? And for concrete we won’t use expensive concrete and mortar. We’ll just shred thousand-Rand government bonds into a slurry of molten gold and diamond powder. That will give a strong foundation unlike any other, unmatched in its low, low cost.”

pictured: the bricks to be used on the main bedroom,
which are being kept in the Federal Reserve

For the roofing and fencing, however, de Zynflauz said they were still at their wits end.

“Right now we’re trying to decide between hand-carved slats imported from Italy made out of illegal whale and elephant ivory, or a more traditional and relatively less costly fibrous matting made from pounded Black Rhino horn. Right now, we’re not sure which is cheaper.”

Meanwhile, the country’s economists have praised the decision, saying that they are glad that “some sense has finally kicked in.”

“This is what we have been waiting for,” said Economist Magazine editor Luke Satgraafs. “A leadership that not only learns from its mistakes, but one that has the ability to see how they have been wasting billions of Rands and cutting that needless and wasteful expenditure with measured, reasonable alterations to their building plans.”

Economists now predict that the Super Nkandla will cost only half as much as the last one.

“We’re going to see thousands and thousands of Rands made immediately available for other public projects and infrastructure and also immediately diverted into personal checking accounts and siphoned off to inlaws and nephews loosely tied into the construction company who won the tender,” said Satgraafs. “The GDP, IRI and EXP, as well as a whole other bunch of acronyms, should double, because graphs and numbers.”

However, since the announcement, even President Jacob Zuma himself has stepped forward to assure South Africans that this next project will be much less wasteful.

“I’m even considering having a normal-people toilet installed in one of the thirty-eight guest rooms,” he said in a show of humility and personal connection unseen since his inauguration. “You know, maybe in the one by the pure platinum emergency fire extinguisher Jacuzzi, or in the three-bedroom house where we store emergency air next to the anti-intruder bowling alley and emergency panic shopping mall?”

When asked for clarity, he said, “no, not ‘a normal-people toilet’ as in ‘a reeking cat-hole in the ground that hasn’t been cleaned out for thirty years’. You know, a real, proper flushing one. With a shower next to it… on second thoughts, don’t mention the shower. Zapiro might be reading this.”