pic: wikimedia commons |
The Address, given by 42-year-old
Johannes van Vuuren and starting out as an informal rant to a few friends about
"can I tell you what's wrong with this fucking country?", soon
developed into one of the most nuanced and insightful critiques of South
African zeitgeist and the social, political, financial and cultural
implications of modern South Africa.
The speech quickly drew a massive
crowd.
"It was incredible," said awed speech attendee Audrey Ence.
"Who would have known that a part-time garage mechanic and businessman
would have such a deep, considered and profound understanding of South African
politics and current affairs?"
The speech, however, was not without its
controversial moments, such as when, after six beers and looking over his shoulder to make sure no black people were around and also feeling really
comfortable in the privacy of his own home and among friends who didn't have
the balls to stand against his bigotted viewpoints, he dropped the K-bomb.
Three times.
"Many people were outraged by this," said cunning
linguist and head of the London School of Oration and Rhetoric Spee Chiz.
"However, it was only to point out the other flaws with this 'fucking
baboon country' such as our obsession with political
correctness."
"Did you know," Van Vuuren's speech continued,
"that I can't even call a gay oke a fag anymore? When I was at school during apartheid it was okay, and now it's all like illegal and stuff. Flip, man. It's, like,
supposed to be my Freedoms of Speech, or something. All this fucking LGBTIQ nonsense. We're going
to run out of blerrie letters just now."
When asked whether he thought that perhaps his speech was just a hateful drunken rant that he should be ashamed of, he just laughed.
"It's what everyone is thinking," he said. "It's you blerrie University students, you comment and criticise things too much, but you don't even see what's right in front of your face."
"You know, we should just get over the past. I didn't have any trouble getting a job because I studied blerrie hard at the all-white private school my parents paid for and worked blerrie hard at my dad's garage to get where I am today."
Since delivering the epic speech,
Van Vuuren has decided to run for office.
"I'll be a hundred times the
president Zuma is right now," he promised.
However, this promise has greatly worried
political analysts and citizens.
"When Van Vuuren builds his own Nkandla in
Orania or wherever the hell he was brought up, that means he'll spend R20
billion, and not just R200 million," said married couple and Soweto
residents Dis and Fran Chised. "That also means that he'll get off 100
times the rape accusations and escape 100 times the Arms Deal probes. We're not
sure SA is ready to get that royally fucked up."
Beautifully written #RespectSir!
ReplyDelete#ThankYou? :)
DeleteYou are most certainly always on point! I love this blog!
ReplyDeleteClenia Gigi
Thanks so much for reading and loving. I appreciate you all :)
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