Other SA towns “much shittier places to live” agree Joburg, Capetown inhabitants

Remarkable social progress has been made today, after Capetonians and Joburgers of all walks of life set aside their differences and agreed that, while both their respective cities were indeed crap places to live, Port Elizabeth (as well as thousands of other towns across South Africa) is a much more shit place to live in comparison.

The warring tribes, which have long and bitterly argued whose city is a better place to live, came together in hours-long peace talks yesterday, eventually emerging united in the belief that that “at least we don’t live in that windy craphole”.

“The history of this battle has been long and vicious,” said Cape Town Mayor Weeva Mountin, who attended the talks. “We have a dark, ugly history of pointless online flamewars and tongue-in-cheek blog posts trying to convince others - but mostly ourselves - that every city but ours is a far, far crappier place to live.”

Pictured: Joburg artist's depiction of Cape Town

“Today we’ve accepted the hard facts of the matter,” he said. "We’ve both realised that the other side is kinda right, and have accepted that our cities are in many ways shit places to live. However, we’ve also agreed that, while we might live in godless pits, at least every other place in South Africa is a much, much worse place to live, like, say, Potgeitersburg, or - Jesus - Mahikeng. God, can you imagine?”

And the cities’ citizens agree.

“We’ve been here a thousand times,” said Capetonian of two-decades, Arvie Gannipster. “Joburg is shit because it has no beaches, it has no small hipster bars that serve Thai-Eskimo fusion food, it has no art scene, and worst of all, it has no huge beautiful mountain.”

“Yes,” agreed Johannesburg resident Victor Mofcrime, “just like Capetown is a shithole because it has no lucrative financial scene, no high flashy lifestyle of clubs and women, and no stock exchange.”

“But we’ve finally come to an agreement: at least neither of us live in port Elizabeth. Or, Jesus, literally any town in fucking Kwa-zulu Natal.”

Pictured: Capetonian artist's depiction of Johannesburg

Scientists have welcomed the findings as “utterly factual and not at all biased.”

“You might think that this is just a case of Urban Cognitive Dissonance, that they’re just obliged to not hate these cities just because they live there and this brings about a warped sense of belonging,” said senior researcher at the Centre for Comparative Research, Eliza Tombself, “but in fact it’s a 100% legitimate, evidence-based claim to make. Quite simply, it's good, hard science.”

But despite the controversy, Port Elizabeth residents remain unconvinced.

“Oh come on. They're just totally jealous of our giant flag and unrivaled ore-loading facilities, not to mention our status as primary motor vehicle producer of SA and largest supplier of vulcanised rubber tyres," said Port Elizabeth Mayor Portia Harboursen.

"Yes, we may have a foul-smelling industrial stretch, incessant godawful wind and basically all the bad things of both those cities [of Cape Town and Johannesburg] in general,” she said, “but at least we don’t have e-tolls, or an economy based solely on coffee-shop takings and pretending to be an artist.”

“Besides,” he added, “I think we all know that, actually, East London is the real shithole.”

Muse and Abuse would like to state that at least we don’t live in Zimbabwe. And if you do, well, at least you don’t live in Burundi.

Ban unhealthy smoking in bars, say disgruntled alcoholics

A countrywide ban on smoking in bars is now a distinct possibility, after the binge-drinking community came together a unanimous front aimed at ending “disgusting, dangerous and unhealthy smoking”.

Weekend bar-goers now say that it’s time they put a stop to the health-destroying and irresponsible risks associated with second-hand smoke.

“The risks of lung cancer, emphysema and other respiratory or pulmonary diseases is just unacceptable, especially in children,” said 48-year-old bargoer Courtiney Chand. “How can we possibly sleep at night when there are potentially hundreds of 15- and 16-year-olds in bars across the country being exposed to the affronting and live-threatening drug that is cigarettes?”

Bar patrons across the nation are now calling for a unilateral ban on smoking in any public bar or late-night drinking hole.

“The smokers are putting us all at unnecessary risk, and endangering the health and lives of everyone around them,” said founder of the antismoking organisation Down-Down With Smoking, Sam Buka. “It’s just ridiculous – you’ve only been in the bar for a few minutes, you’ve only had your first of seven tequila shots, and already you stink of smoke. Lord knows how all those fumes are affecting your health.”

Other drinkers agree.

“It’s so awful – last weekend I absolutely stank of smoke after just a dozen beers,” said 26-year-old Kay Nansoda. “It was so disgusting that while I was driving home on the N2 I just had to pull out my phone and message all my friends telling them how reckless and uncaring about the health and safety of others all these smokers are.”

And with bar owners and bartenders standing behind their customers, lawmakers say a municipal bylaw outlawing these deathsticks could be just around the corner.

“We just want to create a safe space for our clients,” said bar owner Cyril Siss. “We want our decades-loyal customers to be able to come to their weekend binges, drink litres of vodka and go home alone with strangers to have unprotected sex, without having to worry about second-hand smoke threatening their health or safety - and that's all we'll settle for: no ifs, ands, or butts.”

Local bouncer douche to get GP licence plate tattoo

Citing fears that people can’t immediately tell he’s an gigantic arsehole, local area bouncer and gym squat rack hogger Blake “Bee-rad” Bradson is reportedly set to get a tattoo of his Gauteng GP car registration plates.

Bradson told reporters that this latest commissioned work, which is identical to the plates on his orange Subaru WRX with chrome 26-inch mags, will be inked onto his lower right bicep, just below the spiky tribal waves design, the armband of flames and barbed wire, the red heart with an arrow through it, and the map of Africa.

Bradson says he hopes the tattoo will allow passers-by a clear glimpse into his deeper personality.

“I might work as a bouncer at a too-expensive club who lets in only blonde rich girls with skirts shorter than my list of tertiary qualifications, but right now I’m just not sure that people can see how of a giant prick I really am,” he said. “I’m hoping that they’ll be able to glance at me across the street, see my new licence plate tat and say ‘god, I'm certain that that guy is an incomparably massive tool’ without my having to actually walk up to them and do something massively arseholeish.”

“Besides,” he added, “this new piece should go lovely with my steroid addiction and deep-seated rage issues stemming from a difficult childhood without a loving or supportive father figure.”

However, medical experts say the addition is not without its risks and side-effects.

“When we consider the kind of empty, soulless human being Blake is, then we realise that this choice of tattoo is totally fitting,” said leading tattoologist and medical expert Dr Richard Haversham. “Getting a tattoo of a Gauteng car registration is much like wearing an Ed Hardy or TapOut T-shirt, or getting spiraling tribal wave designs inked down your calves: having them doesn’t automatically make you an arsehole, but most arseholes do have them.”

Haversham, who has studied behavioural psychology in inked subjects for over a decade, says that such a tattoo could provoke severe psychological side-effects, such as cutting random people off in the line at the supermarket, always being on his phone, or even yelling at people at the streets and calling them all flippen’ stupid blind idiots who must learn how to flippen’ drive.

“Whereas a Bluejay on his ankle would merely make him an artsy prick, or some quotation in Sanskrit or Japanese ciphers down his back would just make him a pretentious hipster douche who places far too much value in his parent-funded two-week ‘soul-searching’ trip to Thailand, this tattoo could have truly heavy ramifications,” said Haversham.

“Honestly, in as little as two weeks we could see things like severe insecurity, festering rage, and him using the flashlight function on his phone to blind people who walk too slowly in front of him.”

Racist shocked at friend’s overt display of liberalism

Friends and family of a Johannesburg man have expressed disgust and shock today, after his embarrassing and brazen display of outright liberalism at a dinner last night.

According to those closest to 26-year-old Jacob Van Rensburg, the liberal-arts student went on a “long and loathsome” rant about equal rights and the so-called ‘unscientific approach to apparently race-based characteristics’.

“We were just sitting there, having a nice dinner, enjoying a lovely couple of beers, talking about how these blerrie baboons are destroying the country, and he suddenly just blurts out this vile and twisted monologue about ‘outmoded stereotypes’ and ‘a backwards and overly facile conflation of genetic and socioeconomic factors’,” said Jacob’s father, Adrien Willem Bennie (AWB) Van Rensburg. “I think it goes without saying that we’re all utterly repulsed by this horrific outburst of tolerance and understanding.”

His mother recalled the traumatising evening, fighting back her tears.

“It was such a nice get-together,” she recalled. “His uncles from Orania and our grandfather, who emigrated to Australia in April of 1994, had come down for the holidays. Anyway, we were talking about the crime problem and Eskom and corruption and thievery, when Jakkie just starts yammering on about how racial characteristics have no innate bearing on intelligence. It was so embarrassing! And he was doing it right in front of our white waiter! I think the worst thing was that we couldn’t even chide him on his awful, naïve, worldly views because he was paying for the meal.”

Jacob has since apologised for his “utterly loathesome rant”, saying that he had assumed it was safe to air such unconventional views.

“You know, I’d had a bit too much to drink, a few too many beers, and I thought that I was in a safe, private space – among family and like-minded friends,” he explained contritely. “I apologise for my deeply shameful words, and promise to never again let such lucidity and common sense come between me and my family again.”

His family have since accepted his apology, saying that Jacob ‘seems to be on the right track again.’

“We’re confident he’s realised the error of his ways,” said his father. “I mean, yesterday he dropped the k-bomb when a waiter short-changed us.”

“Now if we could only do something about his stupid stance against homophobia.”