Other SA towns “much shittier places to live” agree Joburg, Capetown inhabitants

Remarkable social progress has been made today, after Capetonians and Joburgers of all walks of life set aside their differences and agreed that, while both their respective cities were indeed crap places to live, Port Elizabeth (as well as thousands of other towns across South Africa) is a much more shit place to live in comparison.

The warring tribes, which have long and bitterly argued whose city is a better place to live, came together in hours-long peace talks yesterday, eventually emerging united in the belief that that “at least we don’t live in that windy craphole”.

“The history of this battle has been long and vicious,” said Cape Town Mayor Weeva Mountin, who attended the talks. “We have a dark, ugly history of pointless online flamewars and tongue-in-cheek blog posts trying to convince others - but mostly ourselves - that every city but ours is a far, far crappier place to live.”

Pictured: Joburg artist's depiction of Cape Town

“Today we’ve accepted the hard facts of the matter,” he said. "We’ve both realised that the other side is kinda right, and have accepted that our cities are in many ways shit places to live. However, we’ve also agreed that, while we might live in godless pits, at least every other place in South Africa is a much, much worse place to live, like, say, Potgeitersburg, or - Jesus - Mahikeng. God, can you imagine?”

And the cities’ citizens agree.

“We’ve been here a thousand times,” said Capetonian of two-decades, Arvie Gannipster. “Joburg is shit because it has no beaches, it has no small hipster bars that serve Thai-Eskimo fusion food, it has no art scene, and worst of all, it has no huge beautiful mountain.”

“Yes,” agreed Johannesburg resident Victor Mofcrime, “just like Capetown is a shithole because it has no lucrative financial scene, no high flashy lifestyle of clubs and women, and no stock exchange.”

“But we’ve finally come to an agreement: at least neither of us live in port Elizabeth. Or, Jesus, literally any town in fucking Kwa-zulu Natal.”

Pictured: Capetonian artist's depiction of Johannesburg

Scientists have welcomed the findings as “utterly factual and not at all biased.”

“You might think that this is just a case of Urban Cognitive Dissonance, that they’re just obliged to not hate these cities just because they live there and this brings about a warped sense of belonging,” said senior researcher at the Centre for Comparative Research, Eliza Tombself, “but in fact it’s a 100% legitimate, evidence-based claim to make. Quite simply, it's good, hard science.”

But despite the controversy, Port Elizabeth residents remain unconvinced.

“Oh come on. They're just totally jealous of our giant flag and unrivaled ore-loading facilities, not to mention our status as primary motor vehicle producer of SA and largest supplier of vulcanised rubber tyres," said Port Elizabeth Mayor Portia Harboursen.

"Yes, we may have a foul-smelling industrial stretch, incessant godawful wind and basically all the bad things of both those cities [of Cape Town and Johannesburg] in general,” she said, “but at least we don’t have e-tolls, or an economy based solely on coffee-shop takings and pretending to be an artist.”

“Besides,” he added, “I think we all know that, actually, East London is the real shithole.”

Muse and Abuse would like to state that at least we don’t live in Zimbabwe. And if you do, well, at least you don’t live in Burundi.

Samsung fanboys hit back at gay Apple CEO

Iphone 6 not the only thing that’s totally bent, says corporate press release.

Unsurprising controversy today, after thousands of Samsung customers and fanboys struck back at the news that Apple, Inc CEO Tim Cook is reportedly gay, saying that their CEO was gay way, way before Apple, and that their gay is “faster and better and cheaper”.

“Apple fans are living in the 18th century,” said one man, who on more than one occasion made sure that we understood why the Galaxy Tablet was superior in every imaginable way to the iPad. “I mean, your CEO is gay? Well, whoop-dee-doo. Our CEO was gay all the way back in 2010, and now he’s a transqueer cybernetic Rocky Horror sex robot with a plasma cannon for a dick.”

Cook came out to the global media last week, writing that he had spent “many years lost and confused – perhaps even as lost and confused as an Apple Maps 6 user.”

Since the furore erupted on social media, many Samsung customers have banded together in a united response, firing accusations that allege that Cook is doing it just for the social image.

“Only a totally blind consumerist sheep would believe that being Apple-Gay is in any way progressive,” said another online commentator. “Our CEO was doing all the gay shit that Apple did, like, six years ago. Also, he’s waterproof.”

Many have aired similar sentiments, stating their lack of surprise that Apple has produced another thing that is totally bent.

“Apple’s homosexuality is just so outmoded,” said one. “Hell, he’s probably only doing it to show off that he’s gay. That’s what Apple is all about. It’s about the brand, not about efficiency or power. He probably doesn’t even know what true gayness is. I mean, in all likelihood he sat in a line for seventeen hours at 5am in the morning just to come out the closet, and now he only carries around the label because everyone knows how popular it is to be gay these days.”

Since the controversy erupted, many of Cook’s ex-boyfriends have revealed telling details of their past affairs with the CEO.

“I think all these people are right,” said one man who asked not to be named before taking the envelope full of cash we slid across the table. “When Sam and I were together, I remember his memory wasn’t all that great, he took terrible pictures, and forced me to use Apple software for all my media.”

He did, however, admit that their sex life had been 100% virus-free.

And despite many people saying that sexual orientation should actually not be any of your fucking business or mean anything in a business context, Apple has stood by their CEO, saying that they fully support the announcement and that it "puts the 'gay' in 'game-changer'".

"To all our valued Apple customers and fans, we want to reiterate our unhesitating support and love for the gay community," they said in a lengthy statement. "If you are gay or suffer discrimination or prejudice because of your sexual orientation, just remember that, no matter how endless surprising it is for all of us, you're a human being who is capable of running a business and achieving enviable success. You know, just like normal people."

And despite this fan-boy divide and endless war, this gay revelation has reminded both sides of the fence of a very important lesson.

"We should never use hurtful words to label someone because of something that should essentially be inconsequential," they said. "Unless, of course, we're talking about those faggots at Nokia or Sony."

Pics: Samsung CEO from user Fetx2002, and Apple CEO from Valery Marchive (LeMagIT) - both wikimedia commons.

Hipster confused for homeless man, arrested, mistreated

The Appeals Court has this morning ordered the South African Police Service (SAPS) to publically apologise and pay damages to 23-year-old blogger, Instagram user, and vinyl aficionado Ray Trou-Huntergrowd, after they confused him for a homeless man and wrongfully arresting him last weekend.

SAPS said in a statement that it was "really sorry about the whole thing" and that "they would never willingly arrest, beat or shoot a hipster."

"Shooting, arresting, beating or discriminating against anyone who isn't actually homeless or destitute or who, say, works in a mine is just against our Code of Conduct," said Chief of Police Sal Vznokrimes. "I mean, I haven't read the it, but I'm pretty sure we have one and I'm also pretty sure that it says that somewhere inside it."

Police say spotting the difference is "almost as hard
as those damn Where's Wally things"
pic- WeKnowMemes

However, he added that it "wasn't really their fault, I mean, come on, anyone would have made that mistake", saying that without the signature tell-tale sign of expensive Apple electronics on them, there was "really no difference between the two kinds of people."

"Seriously," said Vznokrimes, "he had fingerless gloves, ripped and faded jeans, a worn T-shirt that is apparently 'ironic' and a cardigan that your grandfather threw away in 1963 because it was too ratty... how could we really have known?"

Trou-Huntergrowd, however, has defended his dress sense, saying that "those aren't dirty, old rags, but actually high-end vintage retro items of counterculture fashion costing thousands of Rands" and that "dressing like all my friends according to a very specific subcultural stereotype is how I express my individualistic non-conformity to societal norms."

"You'd be surprised how much money it costs to look this poor," he added.

A traumatised Trou-Huntergrowd told reporters from Muse and Abuse his harrowing tale, saying that he was glad justice could be served.

"I was on my way back home from that little Thai eco-food initiative kitchen that no one else knows, just eating my low-fat, non-dairy, animal-product-free and vegan-friendly soy-lentil pesto with eco-friendly, fair-trade avocado and low-GI, gluten free ciabata, when they [Two officers from the SAPS] stopped me."

"Seeing my meal, they asked me what bin I had dug it out of. When I told them about the tiny Thai joint down Albert street, they told me they'd never heard of it," he said, "which was kind of the whole point. Then they judged my clothes - you know, not like the way I do, ironically - but in a hurtful way without the snarky anti-capitalist class commentary, and told me that loitering and vagrancy was a crime. When I told them I'm actually a food blogger and social media commentator on pertinent socioeconomic issues, as well as a reviewer for local indie garage bands, they sneered and said 'so you *are* unemployed?' and roughly snapped me in cuffs."

Things went from bad to worse at the police station.

"It was awful. They took a mugshot of me and didn't even use a filter. Also, it's only on the Police Internal Database, so I can't share it on my Instagram account. To add insult to injury, the only Hashtag they used was #529391-01-2014, which was in the CASE NUMBER field. How will that confusing hashtag ever trend?"

Trou-Huntergrowd says he is happy with his undisclosed damages package, and now thinks that perhaps his short visit to jail might have been a blessing in disguise.

"Everyone there is so counter-culture, they completely reject this nonsensical society we have to live in with its arbitrary rules and laws. The clothes are so retro chic, but they're also Ironically Penitentiary Couture whilst at the same time critiquing the blase and almost cliche jail fashion sense. The food is actually pretty tasty, and apparently if I make any crafts or ethnically-inspired jewellery, metalwork, craft or licence plates in the Prison Shop, I can make as much as 3 cents an hour for it, which is approximately in the region of 3 cents an hour more than my existing line of Ethnically-inspired jewellery, handmade crafts and license plates make on my website."

He has, however, said that he won't go back.

"I might have gotten a very warped non-grammatically correct definition of what constitutes irony from Alanis Morrisette, but even I could see how my friends would roll their eyes at me," he said. "Besides, being in jail is too mainstream, even for a white South African Male like me."