“Hands off our users’ data” say Apple, Google to FBI. “That’s ours!”

The FBI has been dealt a serious blow today, after Apple, Google, Twitter and Facebook banded together to take a stand against “anyone but us tampering with your private data and personal information.”

The union between these massive conglomerates and companies released a joint statement today, blasting the FBI’s desire to have a 'back door' into users' devices and saying that no government agency or outside entity that wasn’t a listed subsidiary of their parent organisations had the right to invade into users’ private spheres.

“We have to take a stand for what is right,” said the letter, which was co-signed by Jack Dorsey (CEO of Twitter), Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook), Sundar Pichai (CEO of Google) and Marissa Mayer who apparently still thinks Yahoo is a thing. “We can’t just let anyone who isn’t one of our technicians, marketing data analysts, stockholders or data miners tamper with or collect our user’s personal information and private data. That would be hugely unethical. “

“To let a company that isn’t us have a free back-door into your divide and personal data would simply be just wrong.”

The letter continued:

“The repercussions of giving organisations who aren’t us - and who didn’t legally bind you with that other document we published but you didn’t read (our user Terms and Condition) - unfettered access to your data is unimaginably dangerous,” it read. “If we let [the FBI] access our data, then they might mine it for demographic data, user trends and usage patterns to create billion-dollar ad-placement algorithms and targeted marketing.”

“Or even worse, they could find your deleted search history.”

Apple now says it would redouble its efforts to protect its devices and software.

“We would never let anyone ever interfere with your device without our permission,” they said. “It doesn’t matter if it’s the FBI or a phone repairman fixing your screen of home button in a country without registered Apple repairmen. We would rather totally lock anyone – even legitimate users – out of their devices forever and render them completely unusable forcing you to buy another one than see your private information fall into the hands of someone who isn’t a registered subsidiary of Apple, Inc.”

The united companies were resilient in their defiance.

“We would never give any outside government organisation your personal data,” they said. “Well, except maybe for PRISM and the National Security Agency. But no one else, scout’s honour, cross our hearts!”

However, the FBI has since backed off from its demands, saying it realises “if we got into your phones and Facebook feeds we’d have to sift through all your incredibly boring drivel on social media only to find out you’re not a crazed ISIS cell member.”

However, user reactions have been mixed.

“It’s outrageous!” said one Apple user, Amabaya Nufone. “I have lots of top-secret, sensitive information on my phone. If all those SMSes to my mom, those funny memes my friends sent me over Whatsapp, or my browsing history were to get into the hands of the FBI, who knows what awful things they would do it?”

“I think the FBI are right: we should support them and hand over all our personal information,” said another. “If the cost of protecting our hard-won freedom and democracy is just sacrificing a couple of freedoms and democratic rights, then that’s a price we should all pay gladly. “

“I shudder to think of the future if things continue like this. We could soon be living in an extremist state where you have no privacy or rights and your every movement is scrutinised by fundamentalists dedicated to their particular beliefs – and that's just the government. I haven’t even mentioned what ISIS might do!”

Samsung fanboys hit back at gay Apple CEO

Iphone 6 not the only thing that’s totally bent, says corporate press release.

Unsurprising controversy today, after thousands of Samsung customers and fanboys struck back at the news that Apple, Inc CEO Tim Cook is reportedly gay, saying that their CEO was gay way, way before Apple, and that their gay is “faster and better and cheaper”.

“Apple fans are living in the 18th century,” said one man, who on more than one occasion made sure that we understood why the Galaxy Tablet was superior in every imaginable way to the iPad. “I mean, your CEO is gay? Well, whoop-dee-doo. Our CEO was gay all the way back in 2010, and now he’s a transqueer cybernetic Rocky Horror sex robot with a plasma cannon for a dick.”

Cook came out to the global media last week, writing that he had spent “many years lost and confused – perhaps even as lost and confused as an Apple Maps 6 user.”

Since the furore erupted on social media, many Samsung customers have banded together in a united response, firing accusations that allege that Cook is doing it just for the social image.

“Only a totally blind consumerist sheep would believe that being Apple-Gay is in any way progressive,” said another online commentator. “Our CEO was doing all the gay shit that Apple did, like, six years ago. Also, he’s waterproof.”

Many have aired similar sentiments, stating their lack of surprise that Apple has produced another thing that is totally bent.

“Apple’s homosexuality is just so outmoded,” said one. “Hell, he’s probably only doing it to show off that he’s gay. That’s what Apple is all about. It’s about the brand, not about efficiency or power. He probably doesn’t even know what true gayness is. I mean, in all likelihood he sat in a line for seventeen hours at 5am in the morning just to come out the closet, and now he only carries around the label because everyone knows how popular it is to be gay these days.”

Since the controversy erupted, many of Cook’s ex-boyfriends have revealed telling details of their past affairs with the CEO.

“I think all these people are right,” said one man who asked not to be named before taking the envelope full of cash we slid across the table. “When Sam and I were together, I remember his memory wasn’t all that great, he took terrible pictures, and forced me to use Apple software for all my media.”

He did, however, admit that their sex life had been 100% virus-free.

And despite many people saying that sexual orientation should actually not be any of your fucking business or mean anything in a business context, Apple has stood by their CEO, saying that they fully support the announcement and that it "puts the 'gay' in 'game-changer'".

"To all our valued Apple customers and fans, we want to reiterate our unhesitating support and love for the gay community," they said in a lengthy statement. "If you are gay or suffer discrimination or prejudice because of your sexual orientation, just remember that, no matter how endless surprising it is for all of us, you're a human being who is capable of running a business and achieving enviable success. You know, just like normal people."

And despite this fan-boy divide and endless war, this gay revelation has reminded both sides of the fence of a very important lesson.

"We should never use hurtful words to label someone because of something that should essentially be inconsequential," they said. "Unless, of course, we're talking about those faggots at Nokia or Sony."

Pics: Samsung CEO from user Fetx2002, and Apple CEO from Valery Marchive (LeMagIT) - both wikimedia commons.

Man just cannot believe Apple Juice Special

”Jesus, I mean, just look at it. How can it be R18 for three bottles?

A middle-aged Area man is reportedly awed and flabbergasted today, after leading retailer Pick n Pay’s Friday afternoon apple juice special reduced him to a blithering, stuttering mess in aisle 8.

“It’s unbelievable,” he said, cradling the six-in-one plastic-wrapped paper carton as if it were a newborn child who has survived a particularly traumatic and dangerous birth. “I mean, what else can you get for R18? Nothing! Nothing at all! It just makes no sense.”

However, despite Roy Algala’s shock at this special, sources close to the man indicate that he is also feeling a few shreds of anxiety and scepticism.

“I walked past him muttering to himself and shaking his head in awe of the Ceres Super Saver Smartshopper special when I was grabbing a bottle milk,” said one lady who spoke to us on the condition that we stop shaking her arm and following her around the store. “He sounded worried. He thinks it might be some kind of trick, or maybe that he read the price wrong in that Wednesday weekly specials flier they put through his mailbox. I mean, it does sound a little too good to be true, and we all know how awful it feels to reach the till, see you were wrong and have to ask them the cashier to ring the manager to deduct the item from your bill like you’re some bloody poor person, all the while a line of people behind you stare hateful, sneering contempt at you.”

Some have even played down his reaction as commonplace.

“Yeah, you might think R18 for a three litres of apple juice is amazing, but I mean, come on, it’s not like it’s Mango juice or even Medley of Fruits,” said fellow shopper Jake Harton. “Besides, last week I saw him being as awed at the R24 bacon special and the R20 dustbin bags offer. He’s just really easily wowed, and actually he’s not getting enough of a savings deal to make that kind of reaction necessary.”

Algala has, however, defended his action, saying that he is a smart shopper.

“I know this special is actually special,” he said, stuffing four packs of the juice into his trolley along with an amount of food that indicates he lives alone, is in all likelihood clinically depressed, and will probably drink all that goddamn juice by himself, the lonely, greedy shitbag, “this isn’t the R18 milk offer. That I KNOW is just a trick.”

Muse and Abuse would like Pick 'n Pay to give us some money for this shameless adverting and free product placement. Or at least some goddamn points on the milk we buy, Jesus, we never get triple points on milk.

11 ways to double your iPhone battery life! #8 blew my mind!

You may not know this, but there are literally over ten reasons why your battery just doesn’t seem to last as long as it used to. Well, those days could be in the past – if you just follow our eleven easy steps!

1. Data

   Turning off data is a great way to save on precious battery life. You might not know this, but every time your phone sends a little nuggets of data into the internet cloud in the air around you, it uses up battery. Go into your settings and turn off wifi, mobile data, your personal hotspot and your Bluetooth. For good measure, disable your network carrier as well, and maybe even rip out the antenna circuitry. Every time your phone rings, it’s using up valuable electricity pieces from your already taxed battery.

2. Messages

   Believe it or not, but messaging friends, family and loved ones can use up valuable battery life. For every time you tell someone that you love them or miss them, or just fire off a quick text to tell your parents how your day was, these are seconds of battery going literally down the drain. Cut out this wasteful activity to conserve that valuable percentage.

3. Phone calls

   When you make a call, your phone takes small pieces of electricity stacked in tiny microscopic piles in your battery and turns it into sound and shoots it through the air with your antenna. This is almost the same as taking a short length of wire and shorting out the two terminals of your battery. I mean, just imagine how much electricity it must take to shoot a soundwave strong enough and accurate enough that it lands in the right phone halfway across the world? Lots and lots, you can guess. Maybe even as much as a thousand.

4. Photos, videos and sound recordings

   When you use your camera or microphone to convert sound energy into harddrive energy to be saved on your phone for later, it actually uses electricity. Yes! It’s true! And worse still, when you reconvert the harddisk megabyte energy back into sound and lights, science laws say that it uses the same amount of energy again. So next time you’re thinking of taking a picture of you and your girlfriend’s day at the beach, just think of how much battery you’ll save by just using the cheeseburger you had for lunch to convert these things into memory energy to be stored in the brain and heart.

5. Being on

   Thousands of scientific studies have proven time and time again that when your iPhone is switched on, whether it be during the day or late at night, at work or at home, even if its locked or in Flight Mode, it uses up a major portion of your battery. In fact, even with the measures above, this little horrible function of the iPhone means it will ALWAYS run out of batter no matter what. Turn it off, and you’ll be like a housewife leaving her abusive alcoholic husband: you’ll save yourself months of battery.

6. Applications

   Apps use data and battery energy whether you’re using them or you’re not. But it doesn’t have to be like this: just double-tap the home button to see your open apps, and then slide them up to quit them and free up some battery life. Then uninstall the apps to prevent future battery life usage.

7. Day Light Savings

   This one is a no-brainer! Science has proven that turning your clocks forward ahead during the winter months can improve battery life for up to an hour. *note, using this tip may simultaneously decrease battery life for up to an hour

8. Having only one iPhone

   With the well-padded bank account belonging to you or your parents that you normally use to buy Apple products, why not double you battery life by simply purchasing another iPhone? Lucky for you, Apple’s incredible Cloud services allow instant updates and sharing of videos, photos, contacts and all your data between devices, meaning that it will be like you never even swapped phones! Repeat this trick for infinite battery!

9. Numerical literacy

   Reading and writing is a curse. But if you can’t read numbers, 31% might as well by 150%. This tried-and-tested technique has the added bonus that, since you cannot physically mark or comprehend the passage of time in standardised units, it will seem as if hours or even days have gone by between plugging in your device. How cool is that?!

10. Not having a Doctorate in Advanced Quantum mechanics that allows you to manipulate exotic matter states to invent an infinite-capacity battery

    Having an expensive degree and over 37 years of experience with the erratic and unpredictable behaviour of subatomic particles, which allows you to invent a super battery that accumulates and retains an infinite charge, potentially holding all the energy in the universe like a small, plastic rectangular blackhole of electricity, is something you might want to look into getting if you really want to stretch that white bar as far as it will go.

11. iPhones not being Samsungs

    One of the most crucial battery-stealing hassles of the modern iPhone is that they aren’t manufactured by the South Korean multinational conglomerate company headquartered in Samsung Town, Seoul. But if you just slap an Apple sticker on the back like you did with your car and guitar to make sure everyone knows you're an Apple Customer, no one will even have time to notice the difference because they’ll be too busy wallowing in their crippling jealousy that your phone can run forever without ever needing recharging until the end of time or until the universe stretches too far out, causes a net distribution of energy across the entirety of known existence and kills everyone and everything we’ve ever loved in a colossal, frozen and lifeless void of final entropy.

Hipster confused for homeless man, arrested, mistreated

The Appeals Court has this morning ordered the South African Police Service (SAPS) to publically apologise and pay damages to 23-year-old blogger, Instagram user, and vinyl aficionado Ray Trou-Huntergrowd, after they confused him for a homeless man and wrongfully arresting him last weekend.

SAPS said in a statement that it was "really sorry about the whole thing" and that "they would never willingly arrest, beat or shoot a hipster."

"Shooting, arresting, beating or discriminating against anyone who isn't actually homeless or destitute or who, say, works in a mine is just against our Code of Conduct," said Chief of Police Sal Vznokrimes. "I mean, I haven't read the it, but I'm pretty sure we have one and I'm also pretty sure that it says that somewhere inside it."

Police say spotting the difference is "almost as hard
as those damn Where's Wally things"
pic- WeKnowMemes

However, he added that it "wasn't really their fault, I mean, come on, anyone would have made that mistake", saying that without the signature tell-tale sign of expensive Apple electronics on them, there was "really no difference between the two kinds of people."

"Seriously," said Vznokrimes, "he had fingerless gloves, ripped and faded jeans, a worn T-shirt that is apparently 'ironic' and a cardigan that your grandfather threw away in 1963 because it was too ratty... how could we really have known?"

Trou-Huntergrowd, however, has defended his dress sense, saying that "those aren't dirty, old rags, but actually high-end vintage retro items of counterculture fashion costing thousands of Rands" and that "dressing like all my friends according to a very specific subcultural stereotype is how I express my individualistic non-conformity to societal norms."

"You'd be surprised how much money it costs to look this poor," he added.

A traumatised Trou-Huntergrowd told reporters from Muse and Abuse his harrowing tale, saying that he was glad justice could be served.

"I was on my way back home from that little Thai eco-food initiative kitchen that no one else knows, just eating my low-fat, non-dairy, animal-product-free and vegan-friendly soy-lentil pesto with eco-friendly, fair-trade avocado and low-GI, gluten free ciabata, when they [Two officers from the SAPS] stopped me."

"Seeing my meal, they asked me what bin I had dug it out of. When I told them about the tiny Thai joint down Albert street, they told me they'd never heard of it," he said, "which was kind of the whole point. Then they judged my clothes - you know, not like the way I do, ironically - but in a hurtful way without the snarky anti-capitalist class commentary, and told me that loitering and vagrancy was a crime. When I told them I'm actually a food blogger and social media commentator on pertinent socioeconomic issues, as well as a reviewer for local indie garage bands, they sneered and said 'so you *are* unemployed?' and roughly snapped me in cuffs."

Things went from bad to worse at the police station.

"It was awful. They took a mugshot of me and didn't even use a filter. Also, it's only on the Police Internal Database, so I can't share it on my Instagram account. To add insult to injury, the only Hashtag they used was #529391-01-2014, which was in the CASE NUMBER field. How will that confusing hashtag ever trend?"

Trou-Huntergrowd says he is happy with his undisclosed damages package, and now thinks that perhaps his short visit to jail might have been a blessing in disguise.

"Everyone there is so counter-culture, they completely reject this nonsensical society we have to live in with its arbitrary rules and laws. The clothes are so retro chic, but they're also Ironically Penitentiary Couture whilst at the same time critiquing the blase and almost cliche jail fashion sense. The food is actually pretty tasty, and apparently if I make any crafts or ethnically-inspired jewellery, metalwork, craft or licence plates in the Prison Shop, I can make as much as 3 cents an hour for it, which is approximately in the region of 3 cents an hour more than my existing line of Ethnically-inspired jewellery, handmade crafts and license plates make on my website."

He has, however, said that he won't go back.

"I might have gotten a very warped non-grammatically correct definition of what constitutes irony from Alanis Morrisette, but even I could see how my friends would roll their eyes at me," he said. "Besides, being in jail is too mainstream, even for a white South African Male like me."

Apple moves to ban all white rectangles

Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled its latest court plans, announced head lawyer for Apple, Sue Hevriehuan.

“Drawing on our latest successes in the courtroom, we’re now focusing our energies on getting any and all appliances that are similar to our range of devices off the market. Basically, we’re looking to ban all white rectangles,” she said in a statement.

White rectangles, such as this, and anything that kind of resembles them may soon be banned altogether.

The ramifications of such a goal are far-reaching, with manufacturers of many different products, from fridges, sandboxes, cars, to other handheld devices and even pencil erasers, voicing their worries.

“It’s distressing. Currently, the system of checking whether someone has ‘copied’ Apple products is to blur your eyes slightly and squint at the offending item. I mean, after twelve beers even my toilet looks like an Apple product. Before long, we’ll be pissing outside like animals,” said CEO of fridge manufacturing company Freezy Eezy, James Coldermaker.

However, Apple’s successes in court have excited many other manufacturers and companies.

“If I had know that having something merely resemble something else is grounds for multi-million dollar settlements, I’d have sued my younger twin brother years ago,” said 32-year-old construction worker Siam Eez.

Others have voiced similar excitement. “I wrote a song two years ago, and then Coldplay wrote a song. I mean, they kinda sound the same, you know, if you really, really listen hard for the few similarities, like they both use words and musical notes, but still. I want my share of stolen revenues,” said Flo Rida, who pretends to be a musician when he isn’t being talentless and overrated.

Even fans of Apple software have lauded the decision.

“I, like, use my, like, iPhone for, like, everything, and, like, Samsung and, like, all those other guys just can’t, like, just copy and, like, expect to, like, get away with it,” said 12-year-old Hasa Ritchdad, who currently holds the Guinness World Record for Most Times Saying The Word “like” In A Single, like, Sentence.

BFA graduate, professional Instagram digital editor and blogger (a.k.a. unemployed) Havno Reeljob aired similar thoughts. “Samsung and those other companies have no originality or creativity and just steal previously established ideas, pretending like it’s new and fresh and fashionable” he said, brushing dust off his grandfather’s tweed jacket and adding a sepia filter to his friend’s photos.

However, Apple’s decision has attracted many counter-lawsuits, with map company Tom Tom and door-makers Willow & Sons submitting claims to the International Copyright Court.

“We were making terribly inaccurate mapping and guidance systems way, way before they royally screwed it up. Sure, they bought some maps from us, but that doesn’t mean they should copy our mediocrity to such a massive extent,” said Tom Tom lead director James McGillis.

Willow & Sons has also started court proceedings against the computing giant.

“We came up with a slide-to-release function on our products about 254 years ago. They can’t just take it and pretend it’s theirs!” said company CEO Doran Lock.

Despite the possible negative outcomes of such a decision, Hevriehuan is certain that their court battle will, in the end, be successful.

“We’re a multi-billion dollar company that tricked millions of people into buying the same phone over and over again. I’m sure we’ll have no trouble winning over a few judges.”

Steve Jobs could not be reached for comment because he was too busy rolling in his grave.