“Hands off our users’ data” say Apple, Google to FBI. “That’s ours!”

The FBI has been dealt a serious blow today, after Apple, Google, Twitter and Facebook banded together to take a stand against “anyone but us tampering with your private data and personal information.”

The union between these massive conglomerates and companies released a joint statement today, blasting the FBI’s desire to have a 'back door' into users' devices and saying that no government agency or outside entity that wasn’t a listed subsidiary of their parent organisations had the right to invade into users’ private spheres.

“We have to take a stand for what is right,” said the letter, which was co-signed by Jack Dorsey (CEO of Twitter), Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook), Sundar Pichai (CEO of Google) and Marissa Mayer who apparently still thinks Yahoo is a thing. “We can’t just let anyone who isn’t one of our technicians, marketing data analysts, stockholders or data miners tamper with or collect our user’s personal information and private data. That would be hugely unethical. “

“To let a company that isn’t us have a free back-door into your divide and personal data would simply be just wrong.”

The letter continued:

“The repercussions of giving organisations who aren’t us - and who didn’t legally bind you with that other document we published but you didn’t read (our user Terms and Condition) - unfettered access to your data is unimaginably dangerous,” it read. “If we let [the FBI] access our data, then they might mine it for demographic data, user trends and usage patterns to create billion-dollar ad-placement algorithms and targeted marketing.”

“Or even worse, they could find your deleted search history.”

Apple now says it would redouble its efforts to protect its devices and software.

“We would never let anyone ever interfere with your device without our permission,” they said. “It doesn’t matter if it’s the FBI or a phone repairman fixing your screen of home button in a country without registered Apple repairmen. We would rather totally lock anyone – even legitimate users – out of their devices forever and render them completely unusable forcing you to buy another one than see your private information fall into the hands of someone who isn’t a registered subsidiary of Apple, Inc.”

The united companies were resilient in their defiance.

“We would never give any outside government organisation your personal data,” they said. “Well, except maybe for PRISM and the National Security Agency. But no one else, scout’s honour, cross our hearts!”

However, the FBI has since backed off from its demands, saying it realises “if we got into your phones and Facebook feeds we’d have to sift through all your incredibly boring drivel on social media only to find out you’re not a crazed ISIS cell member.”

However, user reactions have been mixed.

“It’s outrageous!” said one Apple user, Amabaya Nufone. “I have lots of top-secret, sensitive information on my phone. If all those SMSes to my mom, those funny memes my friends sent me over Whatsapp, or my browsing history were to get into the hands of the FBI, who knows what awful things they would do it?”

“I think the FBI are right: we should support them and hand over all our personal information,” said another. “If the cost of protecting our hard-won freedom and democracy is just sacrificing a couple of freedoms and democratic rights, then that’s a price we should all pay gladly. “

“I shudder to think of the future if things continue like this. We could soon be living in an extremist state where you have no privacy or rights and your every movement is scrutinised by fundamentalists dedicated to their particular beliefs – and that's just the government. I haven’t even mentioned what ISIS might do!”

Trump supporters welcome latest terror attack

"It sucks, but hey, at least we finally have something to justify our bigotry." - Trump supporter.

An area man has today welcomed news of the terrorist bombing in Brussels, Belgium, saying that, although he would hate to use to recent and tragic an event to showboat his own narrow political views, "I told you so."

"I won't lie, my decision to support and follow the views of a thatch-mop-haired lunatic with the reading levels of a six-year-old have been kinda hard to justify recently," he said.

"You know, there was all this factual, hard-founded push-back against so many of his manifesto points - you know, like how the wall is totally unrealistic and would never, ever be paid for by Mexico, or like how fundamentalist sects of Islam don't represent the millions of peace-loving Muslims across the world - but now that there is a tiny shred of evidence to back up my political choice and make it look like I'm not wearing this Vote Trump shirt just because I'm an illiterate asshole, then hell yeah!" he said, a smug, shit-eating grin spreading across his ever-punchable face.

The supporter, 56-year-old Jeremy Dumas, is now just one of thousands of voters who believe that America needs a decisive leader at the helm.

"It is clear now, more than ever, that we need a true leader in charge. Someone who can make the hard decisions," he said. "And we all remember how in Season 4 of The Apprentice he had to choose between letting go of Casey or firing Thomas after their dismal performance in the Blue Team. If anyone should be in charge of the incredible nuanced, geopolitically complex decisions of big government, Trump's the guy."

"Detonating a bomb in the middle of a public area and killing scores of innocent men, women and children while hurting not even a single enemy combatant is evil and twisted," he said, drawing on his nearly three Google tabs of in-depth critical appraisal of Middle-Eastern politics and history to inform his opinion. "I really hope Trump ups the game on Iraq and Afghanistan and bombs the crap out of their mosques. That'll show 'em how wrong it is to indiscriminately kill innocent strangers who aren't in any way linked to the group you hate."

Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of Muslims are distancing themselves from the fundamentalist terror group, ISIS.

"Because of their barbarity, their hatred of others not like them, and their murderous, unquenchable thirst for the blood of innocents, it's not hard to hate ISIS," said the organisation, speaking on behalf of nearly 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide.

"But come on, bombing a European city so close to the final nominations for US president? I think it's safe to say no one could ever put their support behind an organisation that is that militantly stupid and unthinking. No one could ever lend a word of support to a movement that motivated by hatred for other creeds and peoples."

"Unless we're talking about the US presidential election, I guess."

Vladimir Putin announces candidacy for United States Presidency

Russian Federation President’s 2016 USA campaign promises that he’ll be “Putin you first”

American voters have been left reeling today, after the United States Republican Party accepted Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin’s nomination for President 2016.

Republican Party leaders and members celebrated the decision early this morning, praising his “natural gift of leadership” and “strong, laudable values that resonate with the Republican Party.”

”Really, when you think about his announced bombing campaigns against Muslim countries without a proper consideration of whether or not it’s an effective strategy to curtail and curb rampant extremist, fundamentalist terrorist groups instead of just a cathartic knee-jerk that will only exacerbate the problem of religious fanaticism in the region, then bringing him into the GOP just makes perfect sense,” said Republican party chief whip Francis J. Underwood. “I mean, shit, it sounds exactly like something we would do.”

And despite some public hesitation, the Republican leadership has backed their decision by citing his core right-wing values and beliefs that make him the ideal candidate.

”Let’s just review the facts,” said Senate chairman and Republican Executive member Johnathan Hold-Dwightguy. “He loves guns and hunting, hates immigrants, has several awful, retrogressive laws that make it illegal to be gay, and wants to convert an Arab country into red-hot glass one GBU-43/B MAOB superbomb at a time? Hell, why didn’t we elect him sooner?”

And despite some hesitation and skepticism from voters, the nominating committee is holding fast to its decision.

“Some people might say, ‘well, he’s not a great candidate – after all, doesn’t he hate Americans?’,” explained Nominations Board overseer Gerry Mander. “But looking at our culture of gun violence, police brutality and racial tension, I’d say his hatred of Americans is the most American thing about him.”

“Besides,” he added. “Just look at those photos of him riding bareback and catching sharks and hunting tigers and shit. Who wouldn’t vote for that total badass?”

The decision seems to be paying off, with early polls suggesting he could quickly become a favoured candidate.

“He’s an old white dude, so I guess the change wouldn’t be too shocking from what we’re used to,” said 58-year-old Michigan voter Jake Hendersen. “I’m definitely gonna vote for him. I know lots of people say ‘he’s our historical enemy’ this, and ‘he would enact dangerous, restrictive laws against our people and destroy our economy’ that, but seriously, could anything be worse than Donald Trump?”

Man in solidarity with French victims apologises for "selfish tweets, statuses"

Citing criticisms that he “doesn’t give a crap about anyone outside of Paris” following his obligatory “#PrayForParis” tweet and Facebook status yesterday, an area man has deeply apologised for his inconsiderate, selfish words of support and solidarity.

The man, 27-year-old accountant Jake Hendersen, approached the media this morning to confirm that he has since started a campaign to be more “equitable and considerate with his supportive tweets”.

“I’ve been reading some of the comments and criticisms of my messages on Facebook and twitter yesterday, and people are right,” he said. “And I’m not just talking about ‘being an ignorant fuck who conveniently doesn’t care about the senseless deaths of people until it’s white people dying’ or my being a ‘completely retarded insensitive Eurocentric moron’ – Obviously, I can’t care about senseless tragedies without displaying equal outrage for all death and tragedy everywhere else.”

"Without hundreds of clarifying tweets, my messages of solidarity and love are totally meaningless and myopic.”

The initial message, which read simply “my heart is with all of France #PrayForFrance”, attracted the ire of thousands of online commenters.

“Jake is an idiot,” said one person who appeared able to communicate only in all-caps. “My hashtag is #FuckFrance because of its heritage of evil and colonialism. Obviously the deaths of innocent people – people who could have been my sister or brother or mother or girlfriend – mean total jack shit to me. Why should I care about them or their grieving families when their government is so evil and twisted, even if those who died might not have voted for the majority political party, or even if they were, say, absolutely opposed to France’s involvement in international warfare or were outspokenly critical of their governments’ hurtful diplomacy with certain nations? Nah, fuck ‘em.”

In light of the controversy, Hendersen has promised to post an exhaustive and comprehensive collection of messages of support and solidarity with every country, city and nation in the world.

“It’ll take a bit of time to Photoshop my Facebook profile photo to have all the flags of the world, and to compose and post the hundreds of thousands of tweets and facebook statuses, but I think it’s totally necessary,” he said. “After all, how can anyone know that awful tragedies like these sadden me and that I care about the lives of those affected by terrorism, murder and war without having the relevant social media posts to prove it?”

It’s an issue not without difficulty.

“Oh, I’ve had some troubles,” he explained. “For example how can I rank all these atrocities and a bombings and killings? Should I listen to my detractors, and consider them all equally bad, even if this opens me up to attacks from the anti-#AllLivesMatter crowd?”

“And if all lives matter and I should care about all deaths equally, then must I make an ISIS flag Facebook profile picture mourning their deaths at the hands of a brutal, war-hungry coalition of Western nations? I’m still mulling these little quandaries over.”

Sources close to Hendersen now say that he is well on the way to proving to his some-600 Facebook friends and thousands of strangers on Twitter that he is against all tragedy.

“Given the sheer number cities, villages, hamlets and small townships in the world, he’ll probably have to post another 250 000 or more tweets to properly show he's in solidarity with all people who are suffering any kind of tragedy or horror,” said an unnamed friend. “But at least he’s halfway through posting the 196 individual transparent-flag-Facebook-profile pictures that show he cares about their struggles, so it’s a great start.”

Just some of the 196 transparent-flag-Profile-pics
that prove Jake really does care about people
dying in other countries.

And with the controversy boiling over, online commenters say it may be time for another support movement to start.

“Jake is being attacked, just as hundreds of #PrayForParis supporters are,” said one commenter. “We need to stand with these people in their time of need – which is why I propose we all Tweet messages of solidarity to those standing in solidarity with the French. #PrayForPeopleWhoPrayForParis.”

Want to know more about this developing story? Well, just log onto Facebook.com and see literally any of your friends’ goddamn statuses and comments.

ISIS launches “most successful recruitment videos yet”

Following on from previous successful recruitment strategies and PR tactics, fundamentalist Jihadist group ISIS has today announced the launch of their most successful series of calls to anti-West, anti-Imperialist arms yet.

“All those scary bomb videos and grunts training with ak47s and rolling in the dust, leopard-crawling under barbed wire and past burning tyres, these only go so far,” said head of the pro-Islamic-caliphate movement Thea Rorrist. “If you really want to instil a burning, irrevocable hatred for all things American and its deluded, privileged, detestable citizens, then you have to go that extra mile.”

As such, ISIS is delighted to announce the release of American Idol Season 426 and America’s Got Talent Season 283. It has reportedly been a resounding victory.

“I was watching TV the other day when [the ISIS recruitment videos] came on,” said one American man. “After just four minutes of that pretentious, exploitative ‘it’s my dream’ crap, and all that shallow, deluded narcissism guided by a desire to be worshiped by thousands for being what is actually a talentless shmuck, even I, a God-fearing, rootin’, tootin’ Texan, was denouncing the hedonism of my culture and calling for the death of all American men and women.”

Media analysts agree.

“If we look closely at the hateful, pro-extremist-Islam propaganda, we see tropes designed for maximum effect,” said Television studies lecturer Harold Cress.

“Every four seconds, we are battered with stirring, nationalistic music and endless images of waving American flags. You know, scenes more patriotic than an exploding, bible-clawing, red-white-and-blue Bald Eagle shooting laser beams out of its eyes and ejaculating furiously on a pile of nukes and Chevy trucks emblazoned with the words ‘democracy’, ‘liberty’ and ‘freedom’.”

These images were enhanced by other hate-mongering tactics.

“Then they add little inserts, like the glaringly knee-jerk emotional shallowness of having an obviously-ineligible four-year-old child singing Home of the Free for the AW-factor, and the talentless douche judges who have even less singing or acting ability than those they scorn and deride, not to mention the sickening product-placement. Really, it makes my machete-hand very twitchy indeed.”

In spite of some controversy over the images, ISIS remains steadfast that these depictions of American culture are far less horrific than than they how the West portrays their particular ideologies.

“Hell, the media might give us a bad rep, but at least we don’t belittle people and destroy their hopes and dreams before we behead them," said Rorrsit. “We like to think we’re a little more respectful than that.”

ISIS would like to thank CNN, BBC and Sky News for giving them an audience of millions of readers, listeners, and viewers on dozens of different channels, formats and social media platforms to spread their messages and videos across the globe.

Feminism "could be answer" to warring cultures, peoples - UN

Drawing on countless examples of religious intolerance, cultural misunderstandings and racial discrimination between countries, governments, and peoples across the world, scientists in a United Nations press conference this morning now say that feminism could be the answer to a more united world of people in solidarity.

“When you think about how many, many countries act – regardless of the majority demographic, be it colour, creed, race or religion,” said one scientist on the panel, “then certainly introducing feminism in all these countries will bring men everywhere together.”

Likening feminsism to “like, a Doctor Manhattan, you know?”, the panel said that the total unity the women's rights activism could bring between oppressive systems of patriarchal power could be the secret to world peace.

“Think about it – how many of us have been totally honest and supporting and caring and great listeners only to be cruelly put in the friendzone without even a handjob?” asked lead researcher for Men’s Rights International Emar Ay. “How many times have we been sick and tired of endless calls to introduce equal pay? How many times have we been battered by the same tired arguments that ‘videogames and advertising control, objectify and demean women?’ Like, all the flippen’ time, bro.”

He explained in more depth.

“Generally speaking, everyone becomes a slurring, hateful moron on the internet when we ‘discuss’ whether sexism exists, or whether the government should pay for women’s health. This is our uniting characteristic. We could be looking at the missing link for world peace. Feminism.”

“Bitches, man,” agreed another.

”Fuckin’ truth, bro,” added a third.

The global support has been astounding, even if fraught with errors of spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

“When you look at the factual basis of what they’re saying, they’re absolutely right,” said sociologist Noah Tallmehn. “I mean, America and extremist Muslim nations may seem utterly different, with their contrasting cultures, traditional rites, heritages, foods and religious leanings, but when we look at how a lot of people on both sides of the pond treat women like a sandwich-making dog you can stick your knob in, then really, we’re equals. We have so much in common, not least of all a controlling patriarchal society that dumbs down, attacks and tries to control the minds and bodies of women.”

Scientists now predict that even further unity and understanding between disparate cultures and peoples could be sown through a shared hatred for Justin Bieber.

“Really, hating Justin Bieber is just like hating a young girl anyway, but it gets even better than that because it’s like hating a young lesbian women – and we all know what a lot of us think about the gays,” said Tallmehn. “We could kill two birds with one stone.”

He added this was, of course, a only a figurative metaphorical comment until the bird sleeps with a man they’re not married to or makes a comment on bro culture or the gaming industry or female healthcare subsidies or even just the representation of women in films and pop culture.

“Then we’ll really be killing birds with stones, Old Testament-style.”

News organisations publish response tips for ISIS fundamental extremists

Following infamous fundamental Islamic extremist and jihadist group ISIS’s release of a series of guidelines for journalists working in their area of operations, news organisations across the world have banded together to come up with an easy series of guidelines for ISIS’s particular business model.

“You know, we don’t really think we’re in any position to tell anyone how to do their jobs,” said one editor, “but really, when you look at ISIS’s overall public image and how the world reacts to their modus operandi, so to speak, we really think there is a lot they could learn from the news media.”

Thousands of corporate news agencies welcomed the Islamic State's document last week, which they are calling “a remarkable breath of fresh air” and “a stunning wake-up call.”

”People tend to get caught up in all the massive differences between each other and come up with hateful, intolerant assumptions about other groups,” said Sky News CEO Dale Emayle. “But seriously: tighter news controls, undying patriotic allegiance to the state, supervised journalism, restrictions on dissemination and publication, forced accreditation, prerequisite permission to publish opinions, unwavering respect and utter secrecy over state and military actions, threats of job loss, enforced licencing? Hell, we have such similar goals!”

Below, readers can find just a few of the abovementioned tips, hand-delivered by News Intern Eric Hilding, who did draw the short straw after all.

International News tips for ISIS agents

1. Avoid controversy

   Behead equal numbers of races, genders, nationalities. Any resurgent political movement can be easily marred by accusations of racism, xenophobia or sexism. In this regard, you should consider hiring an Human Resources manager, or perhaps even a Media representative who can mitigate damage and spin stories to produce favourable reception by the world community. We all have our own Rebekah Brooks, but it's how you manage the fallout that matters.

2. Know your bullets

   Lots of bullets look the same, but not all bullets were created equal. Sometimes it’s better to maim and disfigure an opposing US military soldier – perhaps blow his limb off or mentally and physically scar him for life – than kill him outright. Journalists know better than anyone else that dead people can’t tell a story. Sure, we can create hype over what are dead issues, like recycling the same garbage again and again, but making the dead speak (outside of sensationalist tabloid hack journalism about ghosts and phantoms and that garbage) for you is just impossible. Be sure to have a liberal sprinkling of landmines too. Nothing tells Momma and Papa Decadent Westerner to withdraw troops and vile hedonistic Imperial doctrine from pure Islamic states better than a trip to the prosthetics department.

3. Fear videos

   Right now, there are just some people who just don’t see your message. Well, fear not: our Western News standards and code of ethics loves nothing more than spreading the bowel-emptying, moan-inducing black stain of fear as far and as wide as possible. When you do behead someone, just send us the video. We’ll immediately publish it! We have huge twitter handles with millions of followers, international blogs and news websites translated into hundreds of different languages, and a keen, keen desire to accumulate as much scare material as possible. Hell, if your beheading is good enough, we’ll even slot it in before the latest BREAKING NEWS about a white person dying of Ebola.

4. Diversity and Equality: key business solutions

   Feminism and calls for sexual equality are commonplace for our generation. Women can behead just as well as men, and require less food and training than a male warrior. Also, a lot can be hidden under traditional dress. Having a diverse workplace will mean that, at the very least, you’ll be able to be considered as a progressive pioneer – an example for all reactionary extremist sects to follow with pride!

5. Don’t feed the trolls

   The internet can be a place where thousands will denounce you at every moment because of your religious beliefs and political leanings. Just goes to show you how strong their “democratic” views are, right? Stay strong, and don’t mind the haters. The journey is long, and Allah will grant you success if you stay the course. Infidels will see their tweets and support of “humanitarian intervention” and “basic rights” punished accordingly when Allah brings forth his glorious Yawm al-Qiyāmah and visits divine retribution and judgement on the world of sinners and nonbelievers.

6. Don’t lose your fun side

   Just because you’re undyingly committed to establishing an all-Islamic caliphate in Iraq and have to enforce rules and holy writ with an iron hand, doesn’t mean you have to go all square and lose your younger self. Keep things fresh. Use happy fonts, like Wingdings and Comic Sans to show everyone that Jihadist extremism doesn’t have to be all march-step and machine guns. Keep things interesting by mixing in realistic looking stones made of sponge with regular stoning rocks. And it’s always fun to mix up your legal proclamations and denouncements on twitter with an inspiring motivational poster or quote. Remember to use lots of smileys!

7. two words: Buzz. Feed.

   Well, one word. But if we in the industry have learnt anything from hyping up expensive journalism degrees at leading schools of Media Studies across the world just in time to support the cash-hungry, shallow switch over to a frivolous and new-standards-teabagging digital portal rolling in the filth and lies of its own quest for permanent virality, it’s how to kill things. Especially standards.
   You don’t need a journalism degree to make people see why you’re right even when you’re wrong. Peurile, simplistic and reductive arguments work great. Combine the most facile aspects of your vision in one small, less-than-300-word listicle with a catchy, eye-grabbing viral headline. Try anything like “Twelve things you didn’t know about ISIS” or “I thought ISIS was a terrorist group – and then I read this article!” or even “Eight reasons why you need to support ISIS – #6 blew me away!” You’ll have billions of shares in no time.

8. Let the West kill itself

   Honestly speaking, you don’t even need this unnecessary campaign of violence to end the sick and detestable Western culture of indulgence and decadence. Have you ever been to a McDonald’s? Have you ever watched any non-cable TV, or shows like America’s Got Talent or Honey Boo-Boo? Really, their shallow batshittery, combined with a culture of intolerance and easy gun access will do far more damage than a truckful of hateful, ideologically warped bigots ever could.

America to negotiate with terrorists

America is set to embrace a new tactic in the War on Terror, after leading strategists and military experts have ushered in a new policy to actually negotiate with terrorists.

“Many people have always blathered on in the past about, ‘we don’t negotiate with terrorists’, you know, taking the moral high ground and all,” said Commander General Priam Tivstrkye. “But after we took a look at what their demands usually are, we realised, ‘geez, we’d probably save a fortune and countless lives if we just bent to their demands. They're actually usually pretty underwhelming.'”

He explained in some length.

“Take for example, some of the classic demands. What if they want money, like a million dollars or something? Well, we give it to them. Hell, we blow a thousand times that in a second on drones and missiles destroying their villages. We won’t miss a paltry sum like that.”

“And what about the whole thing about 72 virgins in Paradise? Well, I’ve been with a virgin before, and honestly, they’re idealising it. We should up the ante and just say, ‘well, Mr Terrorist, how's about one hundred sluts in Long Beach, California’?”

Citing the recent demands of noted terrorist groups, he spoke about the demand to release their “Muslim freedom fighter brothers and comrades”.

“Release your freedom fighter brothers? You act like we want those ragheads here. If there is anything we hate, it's immigrants. Unless, you know, those immigrants were our great-grandfathers who came here from Europe and Ireland and Poland.”

Many Senators have welcomed the decision, saying that “This country, we Americans and the War in general are just misunderstood.”

“They paint us as these evil murderers,” said one. “We’re not there for your land or to kill your people. We just want the oil. We’re a misunderstood people. They hate our Western Decadence and our systems of education, but have they even heard of the 99% or been to a public school? I mean, we hate these things just as much.“

He added that “maybe if you’re living in a shit-filled spider cave in the desert somewhere, I guess living in Detroit or might seem enviable and hedonistic in comparison.”

He also said that Americans don’t even need Terrorist to kill Americans.

“With our gun laws, we’re doing that perfectly fine on our own, thank you very much.”

And in totally unrelated news, oil reserves in the rich “black band’ in the North of Iraq are at 10% capacity.

"Thank god we pulled out in time,” said one American news commentator. “If this wasn’t a pointless war before, it is now.”