“My vote doesn’t even matter” say 21 million non-voters

Expressing their belief that ballot-driven democracy is hopelessly flawed and that their one vote wouldn’t change a single thing, 21 million non-voters individually said today that “at the end of the day, voting doesn’t even matter.”

The 20 685 435 voters – who make up the 26% of citizens who choose not to exercise their democratic and hard-won right to choose their president and country’s government – explained how their one vote wouldn’t even be missed.

“The system is broken,” said 25-year-old Noah Voating, one of the nearly one-third of the entire voting populace who has chosen to abstain on voting. “It’s all corrupt and gone to hell. There’s no way my one single vote would even affect the outcome of the elections.”

Voating – and many, many others – defended their choice.

Voats is just one of millions of people who
prove that elections for a representative
democracy is a totally flawed system. 

“All throughout history, there have been courageous, inspiring men and women – such as Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr - who have fought tirelessly for the rights of citizens to cast their vote and have a say in their country’s future,” said Voating. “But they also fought for the right for citizens to spit in the face of that legacy and just opt out like a teenager in a particularly ugly family argument.”

He elaborated on his political apathy.

“Voting for a man and a party that has thousands of workers, volunteers and committed people behind it is not a way to fix all the problems in our country,” he said. “We all know that there’s only one way to fix these massive problems: by complaining about it endlessly on the internet.”

Voating has since started a petition to change the electoral system in South Africa.

“ Casting your ballot changes nothing,” reads the document. “That’s why we have this petition to do away with it. All you have to do is show up at the special petition show-of-support booths we’re going to set up in town halls across the country.”

And putting your name behind the petition could not be simpler, he says.

“All you need to do is register to give your support for the petition. Then you go down and just sign your name on a piece of paper and put it in the boxes we’ve set up. We count the number of people who want this petition, and if enough people support it, it will be used to change everything and do away with impractical, retrogressive voting.”

But getting numbers could still be tricky.

“I dunno,” said one citizen. “It sounds like I’d have to read the petition, make an informed decision and then walk all the way down there – and for what, just to change our country for the better? Nah, sounds like too much effort.”

Trump supporters welcome latest terror attack

"It sucks, but hey, at least we finally have something to justify our bigotry." - Trump supporter.

An area man has today welcomed news of the terrorist bombing in Brussels, Belgium, saying that, although he would hate to use to recent and tragic an event to showboat his own narrow political views, "I told you so."

"I won't lie, my decision to support and follow the views of a thatch-mop-haired lunatic with the reading levels of a six-year-old have been kinda hard to justify recently," he said.

"You know, there was all this factual, hard-founded push-back against so many of his manifesto points - you know, like how the wall is totally unrealistic and would never, ever be paid for by Mexico, or like how fundamentalist sects of Islam don't represent the millions of peace-loving Muslims across the world - but now that there is a tiny shred of evidence to back up my political choice and make it look like I'm not wearing this Vote Trump shirt just because I'm an illiterate asshole, then hell yeah!" he said, a smug, shit-eating grin spreading across his ever-punchable face.

The supporter, 56-year-old Jeremy Dumas, is now just one of thousands of voters who believe that America needs a decisive leader at the helm.

"It is clear now, more than ever, that we need a true leader in charge. Someone who can make the hard decisions," he said. "And we all remember how in Season 4 of The Apprentice he had to choose between letting go of Casey or firing Thomas after their dismal performance in the Blue Team. If anyone should be in charge of the incredible nuanced, geopolitically complex decisions of big government, Trump's the guy."

"Detonating a bomb in the middle of a public area and killing scores of innocent men, women and children while hurting not even a single enemy combatant is evil and twisted," he said, drawing on his nearly three Google tabs of in-depth critical appraisal of Middle-Eastern politics and history to inform his opinion. "I really hope Trump ups the game on Iraq and Afghanistan and bombs the crap out of their mosques. That'll show 'em how wrong it is to indiscriminately kill innocent strangers who aren't in any way linked to the group you hate."

Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of Muslims are distancing themselves from the fundamentalist terror group, ISIS.

"Because of their barbarity, their hatred of others not like them, and their murderous, unquenchable thirst for the blood of innocents, it's not hard to hate ISIS," said the organisation, speaking on behalf of nearly 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide.

"But come on, bombing a European city so close to the final nominations for US president? I think it's safe to say no one could ever put their support behind an organisation that is that militantly stupid and unthinking. No one could ever lend a word of support to a movement that motivated by hatred for other creeds and peoples."

"Unless we're talking about the US presidential election, I guess."

ANC hopes ANC campaign trail doesn’t ruin ANC campaign trail

Following the sudden realisation that really the biggest hurdle in their possible future governance of South Africa is their current track record of governance in South Africa, the ANC stated this morning that they really, really hope they haven’t shot themselves in the metaphorical political foot.

“All these other political parties – COPE, the DA, the EFF, IFP, and so on – aren’t really a threat,” said head elections spokeperson Goust Vouwtahs. “Actually, the biggest thing standing in the way of total domination is ourselves.”

In light of this irreparable damage done to the ANC’s reputation by scandals such as Nkandla, the textbooks scandal, Marikana and many, many more, the ANC says it is now considering legal action against its MPs, elected officials and most of itself.

“This level of extreme and gross defamation, character assassination, libel, slander and damage to our good name cannot go unchallenged,” said Vouwtahs. “We must defend our own, even if it means suing them.”

Vouwtahs likened these "counterrevolutionary sell-outs" to a cANCer, sorry, cancer, that needs to be cut out, leaving many politically-minded Urologists very worried indeed.

"If this were my own patient, I would advise against such drastic measures," said one. "Trying to cut out this much cancer is nearly impossible, especially when most of the body is cancer. They'll have maybe three or four people left in remote areas where there isn't enough government funding to skim anything off the top."

Lawyers and Law experts, in contrast, are incredibly excited, and now predict this to be the case of the century.

“It’s going to be massive,” said Senior Advocate Bur de Nofpruf. “We’ll collude with media houses and legal insiders and veil the whole thing as ‘in the public interest’ and get people all riled up on twitter and facebook about how this is really about accountability, transparency and ensuring a solid justice system, even though we all know it's really just grotesque voyeurism by the masses that we exploit so that we can grossly distort the justice system by having it televised 24/7 to the world. The spin-offs will be huge, and god, let’s not even mention the legal fees.”

Despite the fact that such legal action may send a fissure through the ANC, fracturing it as a party, ANC spokespeople are confident they it will not harm their chances of winning.

“Our top education system, our tireless work ensuring that wealth and socioeconomic disparities don't oscillate too much... we think we've done all our can to ensure that our loyal votes make the right decision today. We’re confident that we have damaged education and social cohesion enough to maintain a solid majority of easily swayed voters who would keep voting for us even if we publically executed a basket of kittens in front of a stadium packed with four-year-olds,” said Vouwtahs. “It’s these folks and their endless capacity of hope for a return to the glory days unridden with corruption that keep us going.”

SRC election to be decided in dance-off

In a sudden turn of events this morning the Rhodes Student Representative Council shocked the sometimes-voting student body by announcing that the usual ballot-style democratic elections for SRC portfolios would be dropped in favour of a "kiff dance competition."

According to incumbent SRC President Officer Raak Datbadhi, the move comes in hopes that "all those okes who watch Idols and Big Brother will get interested."


 
"We've seen in past Idols seasons that sometimes so many people vote that they get two winners at the end of the day," said Datbadhi. "We think that the possibility of accidentally having two presidents will be great."

The new electoral process started off with a surprising video released this weekend, in which the SRC showed off their preliminary dance moves in hopes to win a strong starting sentiment with the voting public. The video contains none of that usual democratic election crap, such as names, portfolio aims and goals, candidate manifesto, previous leadership credentials or current campaign mandate, and instead focuses on their skills on the dancefloor.

"Basically all the important stuff," said Datbadhi.

And according to Head of DanceSport and now expert in Student Politics Megan Bohlroom, this is a great way for students to pick out the right candidate.

"They all have a pretty similar, too-long marching intro, which makes it difficult to single one true leader out," said Bohlroom. "However, the spin, twist and pose of the Projects candidate shows that she is a truly gifted, natural-born leader with the kinds of skills that will really serve in the non-dance related side of the SRC's workload."

Other candidates also show promise. 

"The tall white president dude might seem a little stiff and forced at first, but it's in that final little squat that he really shows his natural gift for leading the student body."

Other candidates, however, might suffer a stunted start.

"The 'machine-gun' move of the Oppidan Councilor might be a little too politically aligned to the ANC and 'Umshini Wami' to win over students, and the fact that some of the candidates aren't wearing overalls or purple shows that they actually don't give two flying shits about students and their needs," said Bohlroom.

However, many students remain unconvinced at the show, saying that the obvious lack of Autumn Harvest in the video means that the clip is not a valid indication of their real dance potential and thus their leadership capabilities.

"I'm somewhere between Sheldon Cooper and an IS major when it comes to dancing," said second-year BFA student Ackjulie Tahlented. "But err'body knows that when i've got ma drink own, I'm half Beyonce, half Rihanna. I'm Rihyonce, biaatch!"

Students can vote over the course of the next week, during which candidates will be staging dance-offs every lunchtime at the Kaif, with surprise choreographed flash mobs at Dining Halls to be announced this week.