Government earmarks R4 billion to wine and dine citizens before fucking them

Citizens can celebrate today, after the ANC government today announced plans to set aside nearly R4 billion to treat South Africans to a lovely evening out before totally fucking them.

Government, which is already moving into the preliminary phases of the program by making reservations at that gorgeous little Italian place you love you so much, says that they should have wined and dined their first schmuck voter by June 2016 at the latest – and they are sparing no expense.

“Let us be 100% clear – after the dust of elections has settled next year, we’re going to roger those voters nice and proper,” said ANC spokesperson Hum Pandump. “We at Luthuli house just sat down and agreed that the least we could do is take them out for a nice bite to eat at Luigi’s, compliment them on their dress or fancy shirt, maybe hold the door open for them when we arrive, and listen to their problems and complains and fears, before well and truly ass-ramming the life and breathe out of them.”

Government promises it will spare no expense
in the lead up to screwing you.

South Africans are excited.

"Hell, by now I'm sure that most of us are used to just getting totally effed over and hung out to dry without even so much as a cursory 'thanks for your hard-earned tax rands and continuing support and stoicism of our ever-worsening regime of self-serving nepotism'," said one Johannesburg man. "It's just nice to be acknowledged every once in a while: to have them say 'you allow us, year in and year out, to keep doing ridiculous shit that would otherwise have us impeached. Thank you, Mr Voter."

He added that "it's going to be nice to see the government paying for voters to eat fancy dinners.

"It's just a refreshing break from what we're used to, you know?"

And despite mounting concerns by the South African Medical Board of Psychologists that this is just another textbook stage in an ever more abusive relationship, South Africans are pleased.

“I know that I promised I’d never let them back into my life that last time after the incident with service delivery and Eskom, but maybe he’s changed,” said ANC-voting stalwart Jackson Pieterson. “Sure, all my friends are convinced that he just wants me for my money and silent stoicism, but maybe he’s different this time. Maybe all those warnings that he’s just going to hurt me and everyone I know – again – are just silly paranoia.”

Government now swears that it has changed their ways.

“We’re not going to just abandon them after the big, exciting election night,” said ANC Electoral Campaigns Manager Loven Leevue. “We promise that we’ll call them in the morning – just as long as they don’t start up again about how much money we need to repay them.”

Nkandla is totally justified and necessary

Police Minister finds that Zuma does not have to pay back any money for the “security upgrades” to his luxury hotel in KwaZulu Natal Province. What do we make of these s-Nkdandla-lous developments? Well, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen knows: that they’re totally justified and necessary, and that they don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the upgrades Zuma still needs.

Pic: John A Forbes from http://www.panoramio.com/photo/84617082
(Attribution; Share-alike license)

My friends, we’ve all heard the news. We’re enraged. We’re furious. How could the Minister of Police – after everything, after the Public Protector’s report, after Parliamentary ruckuses and fights, after all the hundreds of newspaper articles – possibly say that Zuma doesn’t have to pay back anything of the near half a billion rand he spent on his private residence?

Well, the answer is simple: he’s right.

The (correctly arguing) Minister rightfully states that Zuma needs a security amphitheatre – for dignitaries to meet him, and as a security meeting point. If, by chance, the amphitheatre is used for parties or theatrical productions of musical performances, does this at all diminish the security aspect of this addition? If you built a fortress, and then everyone used it for Kurt Darren concerts, would that make it any less of a fortress? No.

The same goes for the installed Security chicken coops and Security cattle kraals. Having been nudged semi-violently by a cow once, I personally know how important it is to keep a barrier between poor defenceless humans – at the whim of these ultimately superior bovine predators, since all we have are better brains, opposable thumbs, critical reasoning and access to tools – and the deadly, bloodthirsty species of cattle and poultry. Those peckers can be blerrie dangerous.

And then we have the security firepool. In this technologically unadvanced day and age, where we don’t have dedicated firefighting services and where we understand nothing about the Dark and Mysterious Hidden Magicks of Fire, how could Zuma possibly defend himself against an out-of-control braai fire? In fact, scientists say that the only reason we add chlorine to our swimming pools is because it’s an excellent flame retardant. Skeptical? Well, I ask you, have you ever seen water that is burning? Of course you haven’t. You’re not Adele.

Friends, all of these upgrades in the Pesky Protectorate’s report are absolutely vital. And what’s more, they are just the first in many upgrades Zuma not only needs, but deserves.

All these additions have been carefully thought out, all aimed at letting Jacob Zuma live in peace, prosperity and, most importantly, safety with his small family of, like, only 100 people. After all, doesn’t the most hated president of our time need this extra protection?

Think about all that he’s done in the past couple of years, and it makes total sense. When it comes to protecting the life and safety of someone as globally reviled as Zuma, who can really say that any safety precaution is an unnecessary extravagance?

I mean, I talk about racism and sexism and misogyny and other non-existent topics once or twice, and I get death threats. Can you imagine what the father of South Africa 2015 must get? Can you imagine how many threats and embittered hate you must rack up if you, oh, I don’t know, keep Angie Motshegka as Minister of Basic Education, or have Blade “#StudentsMustFall” Nzimande as Minister for Tertiary Education? Can you imagine the scorn and contempt that must be heaped on you if you were to go into Parliament and laugh, out loud, at an entire country when they say you’re being a greedy fuck?

No, friends – he needs all of these upgrades, and more. For his own good.

That’s why the rooms are equipped with Security Dolby 3.0 Sound Systems from Sennheiser: to ensure that security warnings can be broadcast around the various mansions, in full surround sound so that no one will underestimate the urgency of the emergency. Of course, without the necessary backup security ultra-HD 4x-resolution Samsung 108-inch TVs in every room, this measure is just not useful or adequate.

Then there’s the Security Pub and grill. This secure location comes equipped with security-expert-formulated liquids all scientifically tested to ensure the security of our president and his families, including but not limited to Security Johnny Walker Blue, DEFCON 1 Glenfiddich, and, of course, NATIONAL EMERGENCY Moët & Chandon Bi Centenary Cuvée Dry Imperial 1943. Add this to an adjoining security kitchen, with food rated five stars in both taste and security, and you can see how this isn’t about a mad agenda of self-serving greed, nor is it an abuse of an uncontrolled system of rampant spending.

And in extreme cases, Zuma and his extended entourage will need a fleet of security vehicles – and these will need to be fast to get away from potential threats. A Security Maserati, perhaps, or a Security Bugatti Veyron, so that they can escape danger to their Security G9 Private Jet.

And finally, in case that the whole country realises his true nature and goes to hell, Zuma will need a safe and secure location to lay low while the danger blows over: a Security Safemansion, on a Security Private Island in the Security Bahamas.

You know, just as long as it's as far as possible from the President's Office of The Republic of South Africa.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Pic of Kraal: Creative-commons licence from GovernmentZA, Flickr (GCIS).
Pic of Zuma from Official SA Govt Website.

Zuma sues everyone in South Africa

Delete your statuses and call your lawyer.

Following various crises in South Africa, such as the Eskom power crisis, ceaseless allegations of corruption, constant political scandal, and endless failures of service delivery, President Jacob Zuma has announced his intention to “sue every single person in the country”.

According to Zuma’s personal lawyer, his decision has been a long time coming.

“Zuma is well known for taking cartoonists and political commentators to court over multi-million-rand charges of infringing on his right to privacy and dignity, as well as allegations of defamation and attacks on his personal integrity,” said Chief Legal Aide for the State, Leigh Galfies. “And now, after the awful events of the State of the Nation Address and the country’s spiral in blackouts and civil unrest, we’re pretty sure everyone in the country is defaming my client.”

And many top legal minds think Zuma just might have a case.

“We usually do things off the basis of ‘A Reasonable Person’,” said former Appellant judge Sue Hughs. “And after that dog show at Parliament, it’s only reasonable that a sane, rational adult would call him hurtful, defamatory things, like – and these are just hypothetical examples, of course - a ‘useless piece of shit’ and ‘criminal bastard who steals from our children and elderly’ or even ‘a money-grubbing corrupt soulless waste of an ejaculation who greedily sucks up every last cent he can from a downtrodden, poverty-stricken people’. I mean, how can any Reasonable Person not be saying these things? Zuma could very well start his own class action suit against the country.”

However, South Africans say they’re not worried.

“If the court does publish its findings, we’ll just take the legal documents and proceedings and put them in a folder marked ’Khampele Report into Zimbabwe elections’, ‘Public Protector’s Report’, ‘Marikana Commission Findings’, or even ’How to do your job and make South Africa a better place for all’,” said a spokesperson for the entire country.

“You know - something they’ll bury, shred or totally ignore within moments of getting it.”

Pic: US Department of State

Black privilege: South Africa’s dark secret

We’ve all heard about white privilege – but how many of us know about how black people unfairly benefit from their skin colour? Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen shines a light of truth on this phenomenon that many will refuse to admit exists.

My fellow South Africans, there is a troubling part of our society that none of us ever acknowledge or talk about. Right at the middle of the centre of our country’s core, there is a phenomenon that many will try to tell you is “absurd” or “totally misinformed and misguided” to talk about.

Black Privilege.

Now, we’ve all heard about White Privilege. It’s boring. It’s old. It’s not even worth talking about any more. It doesn’t even exist – some people say that my skin colour gives me unearned benefits and privileges. But this just isn’t true. Every day when I came into work at my father’s company (this was just after I’d finally finished my degree after switching courses three times at UCT and I’d turned down several other job offers and taken up my dad’s offer) my pa would tell me “Johan, lots of people will think you’re going to become the General Manager here in three years’ time because you’re my son, or because you’re white, or even both.”

I knew then that I had to work extra hard to make sure my rightful place wasn’t given to some random. My whiteness disadvantaged me. Every day, I set the alarm on my iPhone 6 half an hour earlier. Every day, I ate low-fat organic yoghurt with a quick smoothie when everyone else was having their morning fry-up. Every day, I made sure I was out my four-bedroom apartment and in my Audi in N7 traffic before everyone else. Every day I had to make it look like I was working harder than everyone else, even when I wasn’t.

It was exhausting. It was difficult.

But I did it. I managed to excel despite my skin colour.

But Universities and so-called “academic thinkers” will never admit this simple truth to you: there are certain unspoken social and economic privileges that black people get and white people don’t just because the system favours black skin.

Ready to have your mind blown?

#1: Black people can make black people jokes

Let’s look at so-called “comedians” like Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. If they make jokes about black people it’s “hilarious”. But if I tell a real knee-slapper about Phineas walking into a bar and asking for a job, it’s “racist” and “disgusting”.

I’ve spoken about this hypocrisy before.

It’s “racist as hell” when I apply half a tin of Kiwi shoe polish onto my cheeks and put on a pair of overalls, but when little boys paint their faces in disgusting ‘whiteface’, it’s “their culture” and a “Xhosa rite of passage to finally becoming a man”.

Hell, I can’t even use the word ‘n*****r’. I can’t even say it aloud, or even explain to you what word that is that I’m hiding behind stars. I have to say, like, “the N-word”. I can’t tell you how oppressive it is to have to go “uh” or “mmm” or make a strange bleeping noise during my favourite N****rs With Attitude song.

#2: Black people get jobs easily

This is the ugliest part of it. If I want to get a job, I have to work hard for years and years at a high-grade private school and with my private weekend tutors so that I can get a good chance to get into UCT or another tertiary institute. Then, I have to ask my parents for tens of thousands of Rands just to get my Master’s degree and then, even after all this, I still have to put in at least two years, bare minimum, at my father’s company just to make it onto the Board of Directors as a lowly Chief Manager of National Divisions' Procurement.

But look at our President or a lot of politicians. They didn’t get their Matric, and some of them even failed Woodwork, and they’re all employed.

“Oh, Johan,” I hear you rascal ‘intellectuals’ and ‘academics’ retort, “this is aimed at addressing the inequalities of the past. Black people used to suffer disadvantage because of their skin colour, so it’s an attempt at social justice.” And I reply: thank you for proving my point. You’re saying they get jobs because they are black. Checkmate.

#3: Black people get social benefits

Today, all across South Africa, thousands of black and coloured people have access to government RDP housing, government healthcare, and unemployment benefits. But just because most white people I know have homes and jobs and money and health insurance, does that mean that they should suffer this ugly system of reverse racism? Whatever happened to the vision of true equality that Nelson Mandela had for us all? If I want Comprehensive International Platinum membership Full Cover with Cashback guarantee after six years and no limits of hospital or doctor choice, I have to pay thousands of Rands for it. This is disgusting. I believe in equal opportunities for all, regardless of your skin colour or how many thousands of rand you earn per month.

#4: Black people get automatic sympathy

We all know that our local media is a sick-lie-birthing nest of incestuous, revolting snakes writing in pools of their own corrupt, foetid shit, but what we never talk about is how much it prefers stories about black people. Every time there’s a shooting or tragedy or political scandal involving black people, you’ll guarantee that they’ll have front page coverage every single time without fail. But if a white guy commits a crime, for him to get attention he has to shoot his model girlfriend and be handicapped - and even then, all he gets his is own channel on DSTV.

Where is the extensive coverage of the billions of white lives lost just this year alone in farm murders in South Africa? Where was the six-page analysis of beloved artists like Steve Hofmeyr having their constitutionally-enshrined Freedom of Speech violated on Twitter?

This might sound like I’m repeating myself, but if a black person says a white oke called him a K-bomb (oh look! Another word white people arent’ allowed to use! Doesn’t this censorship make you feel sick?!) everyone will believe him, but if I say that a Muslim oke is going to blow up a plane, or a Romanian is going to steal my job, or that suspicious black guy in my gated community is doing reconnaissance to rob me blind, it’s “racial stereotyping” and “terribly racist”.

#5: Black people get justice

Every day we see scores of black families see justice. People who rob them or murder their family members are thrown straight in jail, often without any real trouble or controversy or even a lawyer to play lawyer tricks. That's true justice.

But where was the justice for Reeva Steenkamp’s family? You see how the system favours giving speedy, same-day justice to black families, but not to white families.

I’m going to stop now, but I think we can all agree that I’ve only revealed the head of the ugly three-kilometre snake. I look forward to the day that we all receive true equality – black or white. Previously Disadvantaged or Currently Disadvantaged.

If you want to read how to reach this futuristic utopia, perhaps you, too, should vote ANC, like me.

Why this white South African is voting ANC

Guest writer Johan Van Eksteen explains his controversial political decision – and argues why everyone should vote the green, gold and black.

The ANC is evil and filled with money-hungry pricks who don’t give even the most basic shit about the poor or disenfranchised people of our country – a country they have slowly but surely betrayed on a fundamental level.

Or at least that’s what the corrupt “news” media wants you to think.

So, South Africa, I think it’s about time we had a serious discussion about politics and why these lies are standing in the way of turning our country into a developed, prosperous nation.

But Johan, you’re white? How can you vote ANC?

Confession time: I’ve voted DA all my life. Ever since I was just a kid standing in front of the ballot box trying to decide whether to tick ANC to piss off my parents or tick DA because I’m white and it’s expected of me, I’ve never chosen the wagon-wheel and spear-flag.

Until now.

Now, you might call me a uncritical, blind fucktard who is actively supporting the death and destruction of our nation and lending my support to a system of widespread corruption and nepotistic cronyism, and so on and so forth, but give me a moment to explain why this is important.

You know, I used to be just like you. I used to comment on News24 articles about how disgraceful the state of our country is. I used to tell all the okes at my braai on Sunday exactly what was wrong with this blerrie country. I used to make clever puns about “cANCer”.

But then I did my research – and what I found truly shocked me.

Firstly, the ANC is a party that truly cares about the economy. Since Zuma took power, he alone spent half a billion rand on infrastructure development to the country. And that was on just one house - imagine a South Africa where every man and woman in positions of power is flooding the economy with employment and raising the GDP through similar construction projects?

Also, the import of once “luxury items” into South Africa is becoming commonplace. Once upon a time, BMWs were reserved for the elitest of the elite – no longer. Expensive goods like Chivas, gold watches, Blue Label and Mercedes Benz S Classes are almost mundane now. Lots of people talk about debt and unemployment – but in a future where everyone and their brother has an expensive car, how can debt exist?

I’m a true natural-born Afrikaaner. I love the bush. I love Mother Nature and the wild. Under the ANC and thanks to Eskom, long-forgotten and obsolete sciences like astronomy will return to the forefront. South Africa will be a shining beacon in the star-gazing community. Or rather, it won’t be a shining beacon, which is even better. And just like with Zimbabwe and the tireless, ceaseless efforts of the ZANU-PF, South Africa, too, is seeing a slow return to a Golden Era of Pastoral Values.

Growing up in the Transvaal, I hated school. Today, my kids are carrying on that fine family tradition. And who is supporting my family values and personal beliefs and culture? The ANC. Who else could make school less boring by taking away boring things like teachers’ salaries and textbooks, and yet still suffer no negative effects in our National Matric Pass Rate? If anything, we’re passing more and more students – and this is despite the ‘media’ saying schools have gone to the dogs.

And we’re seeing the benefits of this even now. For example, I think we can all agree that’s we’re sick of okes who blame apartheid for everything. Now, this might make my political choice seem paradoxical (Zuma blamed Eskom on apartheid)– but ask yourself: who is helping us to get over and finally forget apartheid? The DA, who always talk about the role they played in it, or the ANC, who is making sure that our children don’t have the schools, paid teachers or history books to learn that apartheid ever happened and constantly obsess over it?

We as South Africans have a history of foreign meddling and imperialist forces trying to force their way of life on us. One of the many ugly examples of this is in alternative medicine. Parties like the DA (and sadly, even early ANC leaders – thankfully a distant memory!) blindly support western “scientific” medical charlatanry, which so arrogantly sneers at traditional and alternative treatments.

A western-centric hegemony on vital medicines and alternative treatments is stopping people getting access to proven cures like that super cure-all beetroot or the world-famous panacea, garlic. It’s a shame that Thabo Mbeki’s legacy didn’t do more to discourage people’s trust in imperialist quackery. How many thousands of now-dead AIDS patients would still be alive today if they hadn’t been misguided into taking expensive pills that the state was wasting our hard-earned tax rands on? The thought of this makes me feel so sick that I have to take an extra -strength, 1-part-per-100-million homeopathic tincture just to keep writing this article.

Another fitting nail in the coffin of the idea that the ANC is a bad party is the simple fact that they want true racial equality in South Africa. The ANC – unlike the liars and thieves in other parties – want us to all be equal.

Once upon a time, shoddy public services, water and electricity cuts and bad social services were solely reserved for an oppressed black minority. By making sure that these things no longer just affect a disenfranchised minority in smaller areas in the outskirts of urban zones, the ANC is introducing true egalitarian society filled with empathy and equality.

Once upon a time it used to be white racist police killing black people who were merely standing up for their basic human rights. Those days are over. Now we have people of all colour in the police killing black people who stand up for their basic rights.

Hell, it used to be only white leaders who introduced oppressive laws trying to curtail freedom of speech and give free reign and no accountability to police. But now we have politicians of all colours doing that. Even I think that the ANC is singling itself out as a bastion of progressivity – and hell, I’ve been called racist for some of my controversial opinions.

And on this point, just ask yourself: what has the DA ever done? Nothing. Nothing at all – and I don’t care what ‘facts’ or ‘statistics’ or ‘internationally-recognised socially progressive programs’ you quote to try and make your sick lies sound sweet as honey. Worse yet, let us not forget that the leader of the party has the same name as a giant radioactive Japanese monster. Is that not reason enough to err on the side of caution?

As a wise man once said, but better the devil you know than the DA-Zille you don’t.

VIVA ANC VIVA.

MRAs demand more White Male Protagonists

Reacting to “those femi-Nazi bitches” and the equal representation controversy that has recently swept the games industry, Men’s Rights Activists have today called for videogame developers to include more White Male protagonists in their triple-A title titles, saying that this disenfranchised minority group deserves more representation than they currently receive.

“Every day we hear the same thing: women droning on about ‘more females, more women’. What about the men? We’re bombarded with demands to make a women Thor, or a women Spiderman or woman Assassin [in Assassin's Creed Unity] or have a women in a game who doesn't wear totally skimpy bikini armour or have breasts roughly eighteen times larger than her IQ,’ said head of MRA organisation We’re The Real Victims, John Doe, “but we can see how many dozens of games are trapped in a vice-grip oppressive hegemony by woman characters who refuse to shift.”

Their list of demands now includes a male Lara Croft (Tomb Raider), a male Bayonetta, and a male Faith (Mirror’s Edge).

“Yes, we have Drake from Uncharted and Dante from Devil May Cry, but that’s not the point,” said Doe. “Women get a Women’s Day and they have a government department for their gender. Is it too much to ask that we just little bit of equality in the gaming world?”

Online commenters have since obviously agreed, saying “Come on, it’s only fair.”

“We have given women their own characters and a lot of representation in all our games. Just take a look at Call of Duty coughmuliplayercough and Dragon Age coughNPCcough. We just want a little more fairness and understanding, for them to meet us halfway.”

MRAs have, however, agreed that women should have their own videogames for themselves, to celebrate their womanliness.

“It’s only fair. We have games like Call of Duty which are filled with men and celebrate our being totally flippin’ badass,” said Doe. “In the same way, women should get their own games to celebrate their ladyiness. Like Kitchen Simulator 3 and Sandwich Tetris. You know, progressive titles.”

These games will be available for purchase in your local game store in December 1952.

ANC hopes ANC campaign trail doesn’t ruin ANC campaign trail

Following the sudden realisation that really the biggest hurdle in their possible future governance of South Africa is their current track record of governance in South Africa, the ANC stated this morning that they really, really hope they haven’t shot themselves in the metaphorical political foot.

“All these other political parties – COPE, the DA, the EFF, IFP, and so on – aren’t really a threat,” said head elections spokeperson Goust Vouwtahs. “Actually, the biggest thing standing in the way of total domination is ourselves.”

In light of this irreparable damage done to the ANC’s reputation by scandals such as Nkandla, the textbooks scandal, Marikana and many, many more, the ANC says it is now considering legal action against its MPs, elected officials and most of itself.

“This level of extreme and gross defamation, character assassination, libel, slander and damage to our good name cannot go unchallenged,” said Vouwtahs. “We must defend our own, even if it means suing them.”

Vouwtahs likened these "counterrevolutionary sell-outs" to a cANCer, sorry, cancer, that needs to be cut out, leaving many politically-minded Urologists very worried indeed.

"If this were my own patient, I would advise against such drastic measures," said one. "Trying to cut out this much cancer is nearly impossible, especially when most of the body is cancer. They'll have maybe three or four people left in remote areas where there isn't enough government funding to skim anything off the top."

Lawyers and Law experts, in contrast, are incredibly excited, and now predict this to be the case of the century.

“It’s going to be massive,” said Senior Advocate Bur de Nofpruf. “We’ll collude with media houses and legal insiders and veil the whole thing as ‘in the public interest’ and get people all riled up on twitter and facebook about how this is really about accountability, transparency and ensuring a solid justice system, even though we all know it's really just grotesque voyeurism by the masses that we exploit so that we can grossly distort the justice system by having it televised 24/7 to the world. The spin-offs will be huge, and god, let’s not even mention the legal fees.”

Despite the fact that such legal action may send a fissure through the ANC, fracturing it as a party, ANC spokespeople are confident they it will not harm their chances of winning.

“Our top education system, our tireless work ensuring that wealth and socioeconomic disparities don't oscillate too much... we think we've done all our can to ensure that our loyal votes make the right decision today. We’re confident that we have damaged education and social cohesion enough to maintain a solid majority of easily swayed voters who would keep voting for us even if we publically executed a basket of kittens in front of a stadium packed with four-year-olds,” said Vouwtahs. “It’s these folks and their endless capacity of hope for a return to the glory days unridden with corruption that keep us going.”

Government doesn't steal R10 million

In a shocking turn of developments yesterday afternoon, the government didn't steal R10 million.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, the cash was just lying there in an account that official record keepers had totally forgotten about.

"It was earmarked for 'corruption policymaking' or 'education sector development', which was probably why everyone had forgotten it was there," said one man, Ted Manners. 

Since the report, an inquiry has revealed that some 42 MPs and 13 municipality leaders knew about the available millions, but made no discernible move to take it."

Over 55 people knew about this money, and they all didn't touch it," said the inquiry. "As such, this is the greatest step forward in South African politics since '94."

he government has been quick to respond to the matter, saying that it is outraged such a thing could have even been conceived to occur.

"We don't know why or how this happened, but we can assure the people of South Africa that we are doing everything in our power to ensure it doesn't happen again," said government spokesperson Mike Ash.

"We have a very widely-accepted image to uphold, and we want everyone to get the level of governance that they've always voted for."