Nkandla report now "least read thing on the planet"

Public Protector Thuli Madonsela is to be honoured with a prestigious global award this week, after her highly-anticipated Nkandla Report, entitled "Secure in Comfort", narrowly beat the Ten Commandments, most parts of Academic readings given to University students and 99.5463% of Facebook statuses and Tweets to become the "Least Read Thing Currently On The Planet."

According to Dr Ihg Noars of the Selection Committee for These Kinds of Awards, Madonsela defeated many thousands of other, equally important documents such as Parliamentary Bills, Legislatural Proposals, critical news reports and extensive newspaper reportage to cinch the coveted trophy.

"Everyone is arguing about it, throwing around the phrases 'Nkandla' this and 'report' that and it generally defines the current South African focus in all aspects of our society - social, political, digital and Office-Water-Cooler-ial," he said to gathered reporters who also hadn't read the full report and just skimmed bits and pieces here and there, early this morning, "but who has actually read it? Not even me."

However, Noars was quick to point out that Madonsela had only narrowly beat her closest competitor - the website where the report is available for full download, www.publicprotector.org/library/investigation_report/2013-14/Final%20Report%2019%20March%202014%20.pdf - to snatch up the honour.

"It was flippen' close," he said.

However, the decision to award Madonsela the covetted title has been heatedly protested and refuted by many others, including Apple, Inc. and those people who hand out fliers for Traditional Healers, gold merchants and cheap plumbing services on the sides of roads and pavements outside stores.

"Years and years of well-documented statistical fact show that it is not the Nkandal report, or even the Public Protector website, that is the least read thing on the planet," said Apple executive CEO Hugh Wurriptof, "but our Legal Terms and Agreements and Conditions of Use documents. How many thousands of times have people just clicked 'Accept' without knowing that they've agreed to, when we want, take all their personal data, possetions and internal organs? Literally millions."

In spite of this, thousands of South Africans and ANC Ministers and Members of Parliament have backed Madonsela's claim, saying that she "utterly deserves this award."

"It is literally my job to read this document so that I can serve the public to the best of my ability," said ANC Minister of Blindly Defending an Untenable Position on the ANC's Mass Pilliaging of State Funds Slip Ery-slohps. "I mean, I've shouted at people in Parliament about how the President is blameless and not guilty, and I don't even know what - if anything - he has been accused of."

Madonsela is expected to be conferred this presitigious award next week.

"I'm happy to receive this award," she said to the gathered audience in a statement that no one will ever take the time to fully read, and instead just rely on news sites like this to get the gist of, "but maybe someone can read it? Pretty please?"

Government doesn't steal R10 million

In a shocking turn of developments yesterday afternoon, the government didn't steal R10 million.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, the cash was just lying there in an account that official record keepers had totally forgotten about.

"It was earmarked for 'corruption policymaking' or 'education sector development', which was probably why everyone had forgotten it was there," said one man, Ted Manners. 

Since the report, an inquiry has revealed that some 42 MPs and 13 municipality leaders knew about the available millions, but made no discernible move to take it."

Over 55 people knew about this money, and they all didn't touch it," said the inquiry. "As such, this is the greatest step forward in South African politics since '94."

he government has been quick to respond to the matter, saying that it is outraged such a thing could have even been conceived to occur.

"We don't know why or how this happened, but we can assure the people of South Africa that we are doing everything in our power to ensure it doesn't happen again," said government spokesperson Mike Ash.

"We have a very widely-accepted image to uphold, and we want everyone to get the level of governance that they've always voted for."

Nkandla homestead debate heats up

The compound palace itself. 

The battle over the controversial presidential compound palace being build in Jacob Zuma's hometown of Nkandla has become more heated than ever, with political parties butting heads over the now R247 million project.

According to reports by the media, almost a quarter of a billion rand has been spent by the South African government on this private home. A breakdown of spending on the Nkandla compound, which forms part of the public works department's prestige portfolio, includes R121m to builders, R2.4m for bulletproof glass, R9.2m for a fence, a payment of R1.9m to a leading international elevator company and R23m for “emergency work”.
The average South African household income is R14 000.

The starting budget for the project was originally set at R23 million, a figure that government sources have decried as "far too low". "I looked at the plans and immediately thought, 'it needs more imported Belgian chocolate fountains hand-crafted from pure gold'," said Head Architect for the Nkandla Project, Bill Din-Holmes. 

Despite massive outcry at the projected costs, Din-Holmes has been adamant that the project was necessary. "Sure, with 250 million we could have build 28 Taj Mahals or about 4545-and-a-half RDP houses, but that would have meant that Zuma would have had to live in normal house, like that shoddy three-and-a-half-million Rand thing that Mbeki has to live in. Sies," he said.
When asked why the complex costs so much, Head of Construction John Turner-Blyndye explained that it all had to do with the building materials.

"For this house, we've had to take each individual South African's dreams, mix it with their hard work and hope, and then pour this concoction onto our foundations, which are made from pure Corruptium, a very common but expensive South African metal. The bricks are a special homemade kind made by Rytwing-Para Noya Industries, and we're using paint brewed from the National Keypoints Act. It's a time-consuming process," he said.

Corruptium is an extremely dense and stable metal found in all parts of South Africa. 

Din-Holmes also let on that R2 million had been put towards a hand-crafted, specially designed shower flown in all the way from Sweden. 

"Called the Zumanator3000, it has over 28 high-power nozzles. I'm told it's like standing in the middle of a hot, pleasant Hurricane Sandy," he said.He also stressed that the above-listed additions were as necessary. 
"You can't have this house without bulletproof glass, fence, helipad, or underground bunker with an elevator. I mean, most people don't have houses, but Mr Zuma isn't most people, is he?"
However, these 'extra' security measures have been brought into question.
"I mean, he's the president. He could have at least gotten some landmines or tanks. Isn't arms procurement his thing?" said security expert Batabaya Gunn.

The Nkandla complex is relatively affordable, and it would only take the average South African 17 857 years to get his own palatial expanse. 

Years of preparation

"We've been putting aside money for a long time to get this project finally started," said Project Manager Havno Moraals excitedly. "We've had to make some real sacrifices, like education and social welfare, and we've cut back on needless frivolities, like Public healthcare to make this work. It's been a massive struggle, and this monument represents that."

In terms of an instruction approved by Cabinet in June 2003 and included in the ministerial handbook, the department can spend R100 000 on security improvements at the private houses of public officials. Any costs above that must be covered by the official. To date all but 10 million rands of the cost of the project have been paid for by the state.
However, Minister of Treasury, Johnathan M.T Pohkits, has said that this misconception was the result of a typo. "You're reading it wrong. We're in the process of releasing a revised booklet that puts the decimal point in the correct place, approximately 4 decimal places to the right. This booklet will be declared a national secret, and anyone who has it but us will, of course, go to jail."

"They should be glad," said Head of the Nkandla PR team, Talya Tales. 
"Usually we try as much as possible to not spend any of our money, but here we spent over R10 million. How can people complain about that? Besides, if you consider our track record, 250 mill is just coppers."

Once completed, the massive complex will be viewable from space

The project is chiefly financed by the public works department with the last payment reportedly taking place days before Zuma called for financial caution in light of current economic conditions – along with a pay freeze for senior public and private sector executives.

"We simply can't waste any precious public funds or taxpayer's rands on public workers' wages, especially with the price of diamond-studded 24-carat gold toilet seats where they are now," he said in a speech at the House of Finance.

The region of Nkandla encompasses nearly 160,000 inhabitants, spread relatively sparsely over a large area. Poverty is prevalent, with over 90% unemployment. It has the highest rate of HIV infections with statistics stating 1 in 4, but it is closer to 1 in 3. There are also many orphans due to the AIDS epidemic killing many middle-aged parents. Nkandla is mainly a rural area and is on the top five of the poorest places in KZN. 

However, Head of the Planning committee for the development, Gareth Ontgin, said that this makes it the ideal location.

"We'll be bringing in at least 200 jobs. After all, someone needs to cook, clean, garden and serve as security guards for the walled residence and considerably extensive family living there," he said. "Also, with such a nice place on the hill, there's no way anyone will think it's one of the poorest places in South Africa."

Artist's depiction of an unused storage shed at Nkandla 

Tribal Land Trust

The huge sprawling luxury complex currently rests on communal land owned by the Ingonyama Trust and is about 24km south of Nkandla town centre - land that the government has leased.

"The land there is precious, sacred, priceless tribal land. That's why we're leasing it for R1000 a year," said Ontgin. "This is the standard amount paid by the Department of Public Works. Well, we call it public, but that doesn't mean just anyone can go there. Especially not pesky opposition leaders," he said, alluding to the Democratic Alliance's march to Nkandla last week.

When asked if Zuma would be paying for this, Ontgin scoffed. "Flip, boet, haven't you been vokken reading the newspapers? Of course not."

Political battles break out

In an attempt to look into the developments at Nkandla, leaders from the Democratic Alliance attempted a march into the complex, where they were blocked by a crowd of nearly a thousand people.

"Look at how many people there were blocking her. Clearly the the squalor-dwellers here want a multimillion-rand palace on the hill," said protester Mdlala Pickett.

He also explained the need for so large a crowd. "We needed to react strongly. There were nearly 6 of them marching to Nkandla. We had to call in nearly 200 people from the ANC. Jassis, but Zille is scary when she's cross."Madala and others were quick to criticise the DA's spending money to see Nkandla. 

"It's a giant waste of money," he said. "They spent almost R2000 getting here. That's a clear abuse of funds."

When violence threatened, over 100 riot police and police officers were brought in with several armoured Nyala personnel carriers, two trucks with water canons, and a helicopter in the area. After a full day of being on high alert, the police managed not to shoot any innocents in the area. "It's been a surprising day indeed," said Chief of Police, Sergeant-Major Kho Verup. "We thought something would happen, and then we'd have to tamper with critical evidence. Again."

Head spokesperson for the ANC, Lapdogg Mxwele, agreed that the DA's move was wrong.

"We don't even know why they are trying to question Nkandla. It falls under the National Keypoints Act. Well, it almost falls under the act, but still. And yeah, sure, it's height-of-apartheid legislature, but damn, is it SO useful."

Outcry at the Democratic Alliance

"They are simply being like puppies barking at the moon. The values of Ubuntu cannot be sacrificed at the altar of political expediency on the back of what is clearly a racist and right wing agenda," said SACP spokesperson Malesela Maleka in a statement that has been backed by Chief of Protest, Charl Tinloudly. 

"We explicitly honour diversity in age, culture, ethnicity, gender identity or expression, language, national origin, political beliefs, profession, race, religion, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, subculture and technical ability. Introducing an extremely wealthy man into a poor society perfectly encompasses the spirit of diversity," said Tinloudly.

Maleka said the visit threatened the country's reconciliation between races, calling the move "racist, insensitive and extremely provocative".

The DA's racist march to Nkandla was led by almost three white people. 

Online criticism has been as harsh. Sitha Gqomfa, Leader SA Students' Congress at the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University tweeted on Saturday: "DA mischievous to visit Nkandla they will die KZN akudlawa pha [we are not playing] and they must die like cockroaches!!!"

He has NOT since apologised profusely. "I apologise for my what I said," he didn't say, ever.  "What I mean to say was "you must die slowly like right-wing, racist cockroaches," he said. 
The KZN branch of SASCO was quick to comment on this tweet, which has been called racist by some of the racists in the DA.

"                                                                                           ," they said.
In defence of Nkandla

However, many say that the president is deserving of this new palace, saying that he has been a shining example to not just the people of South Africa, but to many other figures in government. 

"Of the 535 MPs, 29 have been found guilty of domestic violence, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of bouncing fraudulent cheques, 117 have been involved in at least two businesses that have gone bankrupt, 71 cannot obtain a credit card because of their bad credit ratings, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, and 84 have been arrested for drunken driving. Zuma is basically a saint, and he deserves a reward," said Minister of Nothing Really, Just In Government Because His Brother Got Him The Job, And It's Not Bad, Actually, Especially The Ministerial Allowances, John Forsythe.

Many African leaders, too, have given their wholehearted support.

"It's a very nice place, but I'd suggest that he gets a runway, too, and a private collection of cars," said ex-President of the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mobutu Sese Seko.

Another, President of Equitorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, was similarly supportive. "Mad respect, J-Z. And it only took you one term to do it, too. I've been in power since '71, and only now is my bank account filled with my people's money," he said.

President Robert Mugabe was equally pleased.

"I just hope that I can get some spare time from my busy schedule promoting peace, love, and cross-political understanding in Zim to visit my best friend. He's been so good to me these past few years, and so I'd love to kick it back in his new crib sometime," he said.

"Shame," said local businessman Jim Edwards. "His face isn't even on a single South African bank note. Let him have his mansion of sadness to wallow in. Besides, which do you really want: R250 million, or another 4 years with he-who-shall-not-be-defamed-(for-fear-of-court-action)?"

In an interview, Jacob Zuma gave a statement to would-be protesters to his new palatial gigantic sprawling mansion of ultimate luxury house. "I'd just like to thank the public again for all their hard work. I want to assure citizens that if they work hard and tirelessly, save up their money, and keep struggling for bigger, better things, I'll live in an bigger house next year."

When asked whether he was concerned about potential judicial or parliamentary scrutiny, he roared with laughter, and had to take a minute to compose himself.

"This is why we have a 66% majority," he eventually said. "So that we can democratically tell you to go and democratically fuck yourselves."