Nation mourns loss of Insane Gunman, 34

The people of South Africa are in a state of a profound loss and deep mourning this morning, after the sad loss of psychopath, schitzophrenic-turned-uzi-weilding mass murderer Jake Allanhard, who tragically committed suicide after gunning down only 21 corrupt, bribe-taking police officers, incompetent and unpleasant Home Office staff and utterly useless border post officals.

"Though our nation and indeed the world has seen its fair share of drug-addled and utterly unhinged sociopaths," said President Jacob Zuma at an Honourary State Funeral right next to Mandela's burial grounds, "he truly distinguished himself in his choice of 'victims'. Because let's face it, we're not really going to miss them that much."

Zuma praised Allanhard's courage and boldness.

"We've all thought some pretty twisted shit about these kinds of people who just want to make life needless unpleasant and difficult for no real reason whatsoever, but he had the guts to do something about it."

Though many international critics are calling Allanhard's actions "Morally repugnant", "worthy of eternal damnation" and "really really messed up, man", they also added "but we totally get it."

"It doesn't matter how often I go [to the Home Office] or if I've printed out every piece of documentation that could possible be needed for getting a new passport, there is always something that I don't have and have to drive back home to fetch," said Secretary General of Amnesty International, Anne Mesty. "AAARRRGH"

Pic: MSN news (ca)

Zuma continued his heartfelt memorial, calling on all divorced-from-reality nutcases to do their bit.

"Though he was sadly taken from us in a messy on-Live-TV suicide that will be endlessly repeated on CNN and SABC news for the next week, he will be sorely missed. He leaves behind an unfinished legacy - we can only hope and pray that somewhere there is a troubled, parentless, drug-addicted and abused youth who will go on to finish Allanhard's extensive and comprehensive list of the most imbecilic, vituperative, unhelpful foaming-mouthed morons that ruin this already difficult decades-long journey we call life."

Now that he is gone, the nation has been forced to go back to helplessly grinding their teeth in impotent exasperation which imagining violent scenarios in their minds where they totally give that stupid teller a piece of their minds.

Nkandla report now "least read thing on the planet"

Public Protector Thuli Madonsela is to be honoured with a prestigious global award this week, after her highly-anticipated Nkandla Report, entitled "Secure in Comfort", narrowly beat the Ten Commandments, most parts of Academic readings given to University students and 99.5463% of Facebook statuses and Tweets to become the "Least Read Thing Currently On The Planet."

According to Dr Ihg Noars of the Selection Committee for These Kinds of Awards, Madonsela defeated many thousands of other, equally important documents such as Parliamentary Bills, Legislatural Proposals, critical news reports and extensive newspaper reportage to cinch the coveted trophy.

"Everyone is arguing about it, throwing around the phrases 'Nkandla' this and 'report' that and it generally defines the current South African focus in all aspects of our society - social, political, digital and Office-Water-Cooler-ial," he said to gathered reporters who also hadn't read the full report and just skimmed bits and pieces here and there, early this morning, "but who has actually read it? Not even me."

However, Noars was quick to point out that Madonsela had only narrowly beat her closest competitor - the website where the report is available for full download, www.publicprotector.org/library/investigation_report/2013-14/Final%20Report%2019%20March%202014%20.pdf - to snatch up the honour.

"It was flippen' close," he said.

However, the decision to award Madonsela the covetted title has been heatedly protested and refuted by many others, including Apple, Inc. and those people who hand out fliers for Traditional Healers, gold merchants and cheap plumbing services on the sides of roads and pavements outside stores.

"Years and years of well-documented statistical fact show that it is not the Nkandal report, or even the Public Protector website, that is the least read thing on the planet," said Apple executive CEO Hugh Wurriptof, "but our Legal Terms and Agreements and Conditions of Use documents. How many thousands of times have people just clicked 'Accept' without knowing that they've agreed to, when we want, take all their personal data, possetions and internal organs? Literally millions."

In spite of this, thousands of South Africans and ANC Ministers and Members of Parliament have backed Madonsela's claim, saying that she "utterly deserves this award."

"It is literally my job to read this document so that I can serve the public to the best of my ability," said ANC Minister of Blindly Defending an Untenable Position on the ANC's Mass Pilliaging of State Funds Slip Ery-slohps. "I mean, I've shouted at people in Parliament about how the President is blameless and not guilty, and I don't even know what - if anything - he has been accused of."

Madonsela is expected to be conferred this presitigious award next week.

"I'm happy to receive this award," she said to the gathered audience in a statement that no one will ever take the time to fully read, and instead just rely on news sites like this to get the gist of, "but maybe someone can read it? Pretty please?"

Politicos release new language handguide

Pic: wikimedia

Politico wannabes who struggle to be taken seriously in the South Africa can lay their troubles to rest, after a recent publication teaching any and all aspiring tenderpreneurs how to correctly employ rhetoric has hit the bookshelves.

According to Stark publishing, an initiative between various leading political figures from the ANC, SASCO and COPE has seen the release of a new book aimed at teaching would-be politicians how to ‘talk the talk’.

“Comrade brother chiefs, this is a great day for anyone who wishes to get into the political sphere,” said the book’s author, Speekmore Rahbish, best-selling writer with such famous works under his belt as How to Play the Race Card, and Making Money: a Tender Issue. The book has a breakdown of equivalent translations of politi-speak, and serves as a guideline for political rhetoric with advice such as “call people, ‘the masses'” and "when in doubt, use big words".

The book, entitled How to Talk the Talk (now on sale at all major bookstores), outlines many helpful phrases and translations that can aid future politicos, says Rahbish. 

"This book will demystify the whole thing," said the author, opening the book to read a few examples to gathered reporters. Noteworthy examples include:

“Chief brother honourable comrade, I seek clarity as to the issue pertaining to the certainty and extent thereof concerning the matter at hand arising from current conversation” ---->  “Are you sure?”

“Comrade brother-in-arms, I would like to seek further and additional nutritional substance and satisfaction of a more meaningful, worthwhile nature as such that we fulfill the aims of such an endeavourous occasion” ---->  “Let’s eat something else”

“Comrade great leader, might I make the unequivocal suggestion that we place more pertinence on the issue pertaining to the mobilisation of the current gathered masses beknownst to us so that we may further reoccupy the territories stolen from us by imperialist colonial oppressive history.”
----> “Let us call our friends and go to the beach” 

Since its publication last week, the book has been met by a resounding wave of approval and praise.

“Ever since I failed Woodwork last year, I have known that I was destined for political power," said third-year Politics student at Rhodes University, Julian Marx. "However, sounding legit has been a real stumbling block for me – the masses just don’t take me seriously. This book has changed all that. Within months, I intend on getting taxpayers to renovate MY homestead.” 

The book has been met with scathing criticism, however, with many calling the book "dangerous, useless, and classless." Despite this, the book's publishers and author are unmoved.

"Of course it's classless!" said Rhabish. "It's Marx!" 

The author has since announced plans for a new book, but has been secretive on details.
"I don't want to give it all away too soon, but I will give you three words," he said with a wink:
"'HIV' and 'African Beetroot'".

Government doesn't steal R10 million

In a shocking turn of developments yesterday afternoon, the government didn't steal R10 million.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, the cash was just lying there in an account that official record keepers had totally forgotten about.

"It was earmarked for 'corruption policymaking' or 'education sector development', which was probably why everyone had forgotten it was there," said one man, Ted Manners. 

Since the report, an inquiry has revealed that some 42 MPs and 13 municipality leaders knew about the available millions, but made no discernible move to take it."

Over 55 people knew about this money, and they all didn't touch it," said the inquiry. "As such, this is the greatest step forward in South African politics since '94."

he government has been quick to respond to the matter, saying that it is outraged such a thing could have even been conceived to occur.

"We don't know why or how this happened, but we can assure the people of South Africa that we are doing everything in our power to ensure it doesn't happen again," said government spokesperson Mike Ash.

"We have a very widely-accepted image to uphold, and we want everyone to get the level of governance that they've always voted for."

Government to change ID photo policy

Following social media developments and the advent of instagram, the South African government is implementing a new passport and ID photo policy.

"We use these documents to try and identify you," said the press release. "But actually no one looks anything at all like what they do on facebook and twitter."

When asked for comment, the Minister of Passport Photos and Women said that it's a reasonable move. 

"My son's passport makes him look like an upstanding, contributing member of society. But I know the truth.On facebook and twitter, he's a drunken alcoholic misanthrope who never wears anything but beaters and sunglasses."

The government has since published new guidelines concerning these legal documents.

"Filters, many people in one shot, badly cropped pics, selfies, duckface... these are all preferable to normal, face-on profile shots," it said.

Artist's impression of future ID documents

The document went on to outline the benefits of these.

"Using these pictures in conjunction with facebook and twitter, we believe, will result in higher identification and conviction rates for criminal activity." 

Many people have met the decision with praise, including all your friends, who are glad they won't have to laugh at your ID photos any more.

South Africa to send politicians into CAR

Following the widespread failure of military action in the Central African Republic, the ANC government has announced its decision to send South African politicians into the fray.

This constitutes the largest covert military operation in South African history.

"It's going to be a massive inside job," said military strategist Guy Didmisile. "We're going to destroy them from the inside."

According to Didmisile, the decision first came out when they realised the destructive potential of our politicians.

"If we look at any government sector in South Africa, you'll see chaos and devastation," he said. "In fact, I don't think we could do as much damage with all the bombs in the world."

South African politicians are the latest development in modern warfare. Fueled by Corruptium-231 (empirical formula An-C), they are highly radioactive, and fieldtests have shown their devastating capabilities, especially in very Tender areas of the battlefield. These Weapons of Mass Destruction were first developed in May 2000, and have culminated with recent developments in Project Nkandla, the largest Corruptium-core armament in human history.

Political analysts have raised concerns with the move, but Didmisile has remained adamant.

"These men and women are all too qualified to fuck up a country," he said.

Artist's impression of the Eastern Cape Department of Education

One criticism was aimed at the expectation that the politicians would encounter child soldiers - an unfounded fear, said Didmisile.

"The troops were shot and attacked and beaten by the CAR 21st Infant-ry," he said. "This is a battalion that is made up of children of school-going age. Our politicians have shown all to clearly how they deal with schoolchildren. I think this kids won't know what hit them."

The decision, however, has been criticised by the international community.

"We can't allow this to happen," said a representative from the United Nations. "This isn't some small surgical strike. This will devastate an entire country - and god help us if the radiation should spread." 

"We're misunderstood" - SAPS

The Shoot And Pulverise South Africans Force  (also known as the Safeguard America's Platinum Supply) (SAPS) has this morning released a statement saying that, in light of recent media controversy, they are just misunderstood by a "wicked media".

According to the statement, the police were operating under self-defence, pointing out that new video footage has confirmed that the mostly unarmed protesters were armed with over five guns, were equipped with the latest Close Quarters melee weapons, including highly-advanced sticks and knobkerries, and were also shouting really, really loudly and were "very scary".  Early reports also state that many of the protesters were treated with a special muti to make them impervious to bullets. 

These brutal weapons are the result of over a thousand years of Research and Development.

"Studies that we made up have shown that this muti even more powerful than the bulletproof tactical gear we all wore, It is a well-known fact that the only weak-point in this new, medically-tried-tested-and-proven muti is to shoot them in the back and at close range," said officer Ghetaway Wiffmurdah. 

"It was a very dangerous situation, because there were only 100 of us, and we only had tear-gas, rubber bullets and water cannons. We were forced to whip out our Muti-penetrating rounds," he said.

According to Police reports, weapons like the knobkerrie is one of the latest developments in hand-to-hand combat, and are dangerously effective against bulletproof tactical riot gear. Their brutal efficiency on the battlefield (as viciously demonstrated as recently as 1854) is surpassed only by the deadly nailclippers feared by Federal Marshals on US aeroplanes, and rocks.

 "We are not animals," the police commissioner told the Marikana commission of inquiry when questioned about the sincerity of her apology to the families of the 34 mine workers shot dead by police on August 16 last year during a strike at Lonmin’s Marikana mine.

 Police scientists agree.  

"Further scientific testing has objectively shown that animals cannot, in fact, hold guns of any kind, making her statement absolutely true," said Ben Dintruth, PhD.

 

SAPS have provided lots of photographic evidence that shows their real media image, which has been skewed very negatively indeed.

 

The SAPS have also recently come under fire (no, not literally) with allegations of torture, such as video footage of police forcing a man to roll down the road - allegations they have been quick to deny. 

"It wasn't what it looked like," explained Head spin doctor Preyse Relees. "What you're seeing is merely a new community intiative between police and the community. We help them to get in shape with new, cutting-edge fitness programs, including the 400m road-roll."

The police have similarly defended other controversies, such as the death of Andries Tatane in April 2011.

 "It's a well-known fact that he was a Maths teacher. Investigation officers on the scene discovered Weapons of Math Deduction in his house," said Relees. 

Meanwhile, the ANC has also been criticised for its placement of cronies in the police service - figures who have been accused (or even convicted) of crime.

"That's the point," said ANC spokesperson Nhepho Tism. "Send a crook to catch a crook. If you think like them, half your work is done."

However, the ANC and SAPS officials have been quick to point out that, should anyone be found to have played a part in the recent controversies, the repercussions would be "the most severe that we have given yet."

Official sources say that they would start off with a stern talking-to, with serious offenders getting as much as three slaps on the wrist.

In unrelated new, the South African Department of Clocks and Calenders has advised all South Africans to set their clocks back 30 years.