Gun debate sees massive changes to US schooling

As the gun debate heats up in the United States of America, teachers, principals and students are seeing a huge set of sweeping changes aimed at securing their educational spaces and lessening the chance of future tragedies.

“It’s been a while since the last mass shooting,” said principal of Bay High in Utah, Luke Hanlode. “Really, when you look at the historical statistical data, we’re about three months overdue for the next senseless slaughter of preschool, highschool or university students and their teachers. We must act now.”

And while principals and gun lobbyists agree that banning the sale of fully-automatic firearms and increasing the depth, number and frequency of background checks and firearm safety and proficiency tests would do “absolutely nothing” to lower the likelihood of an incident, they say there is much that schools can do to prevent being the next iteration of World-wide breaking news.

“We already care about our children’s safety, which is why we have things like drug awareness campaigns, road safety classes and self defense courses like Karate and Judo,” said one teacher, “but we need to step it up. We need gun classes in school. Our kids don’t need a blackbelt. They need a bandolier and holster. We could make it fun: just think, Trigger-nometry.”

Publishers and book houses are already hard at work 'remastering' much-beloved classics to teach kids the necessary skills every school-going American child needs.

This is not all, they said.

“The answer is counterintuitive but simple: more guns,” said a spokesperson for the National Rifle Association. “Armed guards in the hallways. Teachers with concealed carry permits. Snipers in the football lights. Automated sentry guns on the CCTV cameras. We need to think of our children’s safety. If we weren’t wasting money on unnecessary Public Health and Obamacare, we would be able to reallocate funds into our always-cut Military Defense budget and arm every child.”

Though teachers have commented on the possible risk of actually being the one who blows all their students away because that little shit Billy in Grade 6 Maths won’t Shut The Fuck Up for ten seconds and never hands in any homework, they agree that it’s a risk they’re willing to take.

“We need to put their interests first,” said Maths teacher. “Even if teaching sometimes makes me think, ‘these psychopaths may have had a point.’”

Companies across the country have jumped on the bandwagon, and are now offering protection aimed at young Jane or Jimmy.

“With our new line of bulletproof children’s clothing and Kevlar-lined sunhats, as well as fun and exciting rebranding on our most popular lines of firearms, not only will you be protecting little Timmy from brain-destroying high-velocity fragmentation, low-caliber projectiles and the deadly Ultra-violet rays of the sun,” said a company statement by military supplier Arma Inc, "but you'll also be bringing yourself just that little bit more peace and comfort."

"Machine-washable and stain resistant, the fibre is a breeze to clean, and its breathable material means your child won’t feel hot and bothered any time, whether he is kicking a ball around with his friends or running for his life through the blood-soaked halls of his once innocent schoolgrounds.”

Only one thing remains certain, however: this debate is not one that has any easy fixes.

“Some people think that just banning guns will sort out the problem, but guns don’t kill people. People do," said one resident, who said that that argument doesn't equally apply to poison or Class 5 illegal narcotics or Biological and Chemical weapons. "You want to ban guns? Well, just look at godless hellholes like Australia and Britain. Do we want to go down that same, socialist road?"

He shook his head and pumped another depleted-uranium pyrophoric armour-piercing high-velocity explosive-tipped thermobaric anti-tank round into his fully automatic shotgun. "I'd rather die. Or, in this particular case, that my children die."

Pic (my edit) composed of Public Domain images and Ak47 by Burnyburnout and Rebel (inserted) from Al Jazeera Creative Commons

"We're misunderstood" - SAPS

The Shoot And Pulverise South Africans Force  (also known as the Safeguard America's Platinum Supply) (SAPS) has this morning released a statement saying that, in light of recent media controversy, they are just misunderstood by a "wicked media".

According to the statement, the police were operating under self-defence, pointing out that new video footage has confirmed that the mostly unarmed protesters were armed with over five guns, were equipped with the latest Close Quarters melee weapons, including highly-advanced sticks and knobkerries, and were also shouting really, really loudly and were "very scary".  Early reports also state that many of the protesters were treated with a special muti to make them impervious to bullets. 

These brutal weapons are the result of over a thousand years of Research and Development.

"Studies that we made up have shown that this muti even more powerful than the bulletproof tactical gear we all wore, It is a well-known fact that the only weak-point in this new, medically-tried-tested-and-proven muti is to shoot them in the back and at close range," said officer Ghetaway Wiffmurdah. 

"It was a very dangerous situation, because there were only 100 of us, and we only had tear-gas, rubber bullets and water cannons. We were forced to whip out our Muti-penetrating rounds," he said.

According to Police reports, weapons like the knobkerrie is one of the latest developments in hand-to-hand combat, and are dangerously effective against bulletproof tactical riot gear. Their brutal efficiency on the battlefield (as viciously demonstrated as recently as 1854) is surpassed only by the deadly nailclippers feared by Federal Marshals on US aeroplanes, and rocks.

 "We are not animals," the police commissioner told the Marikana commission of inquiry when questioned about the sincerity of her apology to the families of the 34 mine workers shot dead by police on August 16 last year during a strike at Lonmin’s Marikana mine.

 Police scientists agree.  

"Further scientific testing has objectively shown that animals cannot, in fact, hold guns of any kind, making her statement absolutely true," said Ben Dintruth, PhD.

 

SAPS have provided lots of photographic evidence that shows their real media image, which has been skewed very negatively indeed.

 

The SAPS have also recently come under fire (no, not literally) with allegations of torture, such as video footage of police forcing a man to roll down the road - allegations they have been quick to deny. 

"It wasn't what it looked like," explained Head spin doctor Preyse Relees. "What you're seeing is merely a new community intiative between police and the community. We help them to get in shape with new, cutting-edge fitness programs, including the 400m road-roll."

The police have similarly defended other controversies, such as the death of Andries Tatane in April 2011.

 "It's a well-known fact that he was a Maths teacher. Investigation officers on the scene discovered Weapons of Math Deduction in his house," said Relees. 

Meanwhile, the ANC has also been criticised for its placement of cronies in the police service - figures who have been accused (or even convicted) of crime.

"That's the point," said ANC spokesperson Nhepho Tism. "Send a crook to catch a crook. If you think like them, half your work is done."

However, the ANC and SAPS officials have been quick to point out that, should anyone be found to have played a part in the recent controversies, the repercussions would be "the most severe that we have given yet."

Official sources say that they would start off with a stern talking-to, with serious offenders getting as much as three slaps on the wrist.

In unrelated new, the South African Department of Clocks and Calenders has advised all South Africans to set their clocks back 30 years.