School shooting not nearly serious enough to change law, society

The nation is underwhelmed this morning, after a minor mass shooting at a primary school – which left only a meagre 24 children and a mere 6 teachers dead – failed to be grave or shocking enough to inspire legislative and constitutional changes in the nation’s legal structure.

According to eyewitnesses, the shooting only lasted 43 minutes, and failed to claim the lives of anyone younger than the age of 12.

“When we think about the kinds of terror-inspiring, numbing horrors that we’ve encountered and seen plastered bloodily across our TV screens on an almost monthly basis, then clearly this tiny blimp on the mass murder radar just simply isn’t enough to inspire our politicians and countrymen to take the huge selfless leap necessary to create a better, safer society,” said political analyst and school shooting expert Loki Nlode. “If we want to have our country changed for the better, then I just hope the nation’s unstable psychopaths start upping their game, for example by at least taking out a preschool or something.”

Experts now believe that the shooting came in at just number 12 in the Top Shooting Spree Rankings of Q4 2015.

“This shooting, well, it might as well not even have been reported,” said chief investigator Chuu Tsukyl. “I mean, they didn’t even use a calibre bigger than .303, and the killer didn’t even have a racist or misogynistic manifesto that motivated his hate crime. Honestly, I’m not surprised that it was only front-page breaking news on just 34 international news services.”

And editors say it’s a justified choice.

“Right now, with the Syrian bombings and awful political situations unfolding in the Ukraine and Greece, we need something else that’s lighter and less serious on our screens to calm down anxious parents and voters - something like this comparative yawn-fest that utterly fails to shock or horrify our nation's leaders into action” said CNN senior news editor Thysys Justin. “So we’ll keep it blaring on the 24/7 breaking news or developing stories roll for a short while, at least until we run out of frightening stock footage of blaring sirens, flashing blue and red lights, armed policemen and weeping, shell-shocked parents.”

However, other news services don’t believe this will happen anytime soon.

“Seriously, we have thousands of hours of that kind of disturbing, bloodcurling imagery from just the last six months alone,” said political editor at the BBC, Gunther Kiddsdown. “We’ll probably just cut it off after 6 days of terrifying, around-the-clock bulletins.”

Hero teen saves school from disaster

Courageous jock prevents massive mass-shooting by befriending that fucking weird fedora-wearing dipstick Eugene Falentes.

Mourning and heaped praise echo across the halls of Metro bay High school today, after 17-year-old sports star, cafeteria jokester and all-round-beloved senior Chad Chaddings saved his peers from ‘unfathomable tragedy’ by befriending “that weirdo who would probably have slaughtered us all sometime in the next six months”.

Chaddings, who is being hailed as a “true icon of heroism”, bravely averted a mass shooting or serial knifings and suicide at the very least by making friends with the gigantic loser and showing him basic human decency.

Teachers and peers recalled Chaddings’s last moments with tears in their eyes.

“We all knew it had to happen, but we never knew he’d be so brave about it,” said the guy who gives Chad his Maths homework to copy after football practice. “He just walked right up to that mouth-breathing, bespectacled, braces-wearing creep and was like, ‘Hey, Eugene, you wanna hang out after school?’.”

Pictured: that fucking weird kid Eugene.
Goddamn nerd.

Chaddings’s friends say that he was staunch and unflinching in his sacrifice, even when Eugene said yes and excitedly started explaining the rules of that fucking weird boardgame he and those other friendless losers from Grade 11 like to play in their ‘Secret Clubhouse’ in his mom’s basement.

However, learners at the medium-sized high school say they knew this day was coming – that it was only a matter of time until someone had to befriend him.

“This day was inevitable, ever since he first asked Billy Erikson in first grade to trade Pokemon cards, and then asked him if he’d like some of this packed vegan soy-bean lunch, his place low, low down on the social ladder was cemented,” said the school’s History teacher Miss Evensen. “We all knew that, thanks to the rigourous social hierarchy of our school, one day someone would have to bite the bullet and treat him with kindness and compassion so that he didn’t crack and blow us all away with his father’s automatic rifle collection. I just can’t believe this day has come so soon.”

“You know, sometimes I still see Chad’s ghost roaming the schoolhalls,” said long-time friend Huhg Jassohl. “He still wanders these halls, reading - eugh - books and expressing an interest in things like learning.”

After taking a moment to compose himself, Jassohl continued.

“I mean, I know the shadow of his former self says stuff like ‘Eugene is just misunderstood’ and ‘Once you get to know someone, you realise how judging a book by its cover is so wrong’ – but hey, that's exactly the kind of thing that kind of a Naruto-watching weeboo piece of uncool scum would say.”

However, with mounting ostracism and public shunning of Chaddings, the school board has now expressed worries that soon it’ll be time to put another student on the altar of offerings.

“Now that Chad is a shunned, tormented dipshit that no one likes because of his obvious rejection of the status quo – you know, basically another Eugene - what’s to stop him shooting up the school?” said Principal Davids.

“I mean, someone’s gonna have to befriend that massive weirdo.”

Gun debate sees massive changes to US schooling

As the gun debate heats up in the United States of America, teachers, principals and students are seeing a huge set of sweeping changes aimed at securing their educational spaces and lessening the chance of future tragedies.

“It’s been a while since the last mass shooting,” said principal of Bay High in Utah, Luke Hanlode. “Really, when you look at the historical statistical data, we’re about three months overdue for the next senseless slaughter of preschool, highschool or university students and their teachers. We must act now.”

And while principals and gun lobbyists agree that banning the sale of fully-automatic firearms and increasing the depth, number and frequency of background checks and firearm safety and proficiency tests would do “absolutely nothing” to lower the likelihood of an incident, they say there is much that schools can do to prevent being the next iteration of World-wide breaking news.

“We already care about our children’s safety, which is why we have things like drug awareness campaigns, road safety classes and self defense courses like Karate and Judo,” said one teacher, “but we need to step it up. We need gun classes in school. Our kids don’t need a blackbelt. They need a bandolier and holster. We could make it fun: just think, Trigger-nometry.”

Publishers and book houses are already hard at work 'remastering' much-beloved classics to teach kids the necessary skills every school-going American child needs.

This is not all, they said.

“The answer is counterintuitive but simple: more guns,” said a spokesperson for the National Rifle Association. “Armed guards in the hallways. Teachers with concealed carry permits. Snipers in the football lights. Automated sentry guns on the CCTV cameras. We need to think of our children’s safety. If we weren’t wasting money on unnecessary Public Health and Obamacare, we would be able to reallocate funds into our always-cut Military Defense budget and arm every child.”

Though teachers have commented on the possible risk of actually being the one who blows all their students away because that little shit Billy in Grade 6 Maths won’t Shut The Fuck Up for ten seconds and never hands in any homework, they agree that it’s a risk they’re willing to take.

“We need to put their interests first,” said Maths teacher. “Even if teaching sometimes makes me think, ‘these psychopaths may have had a point.’”

Companies across the country have jumped on the bandwagon, and are now offering protection aimed at young Jane or Jimmy.

“With our new line of bulletproof children’s clothing and Kevlar-lined sunhats, as well as fun and exciting rebranding on our most popular lines of firearms, not only will you be protecting little Timmy from brain-destroying high-velocity fragmentation, low-caliber projectiles and the deadly Ultra-violet rays of the sun,” said a company statement by military supplier Arma Inc, "but you'll also be bringing yourself just that little bit more peace and comfort."

"Machine-washable and stain resistant, the fibre is a breeze to clean, and its breathable material means your child won’t feel hot and bothered any time, whether he is kicking a ball around with his friends or running for his life through the blood-soaked halls of his once innocent schoolgrounds.”

Only one thing remains certain, however: this debate is not one that has any easy fixes.

“Some people think that just banning guns will sort out the problem, but guns don’t kill people. People do," said one resident, who said that that argument doesn't equally apply to poison or Class 5 illegal narcotics or Biological and Chemical weapons. "You want to ban guns? Well, just look at godless hellholes like Australia and Britain. Do we want to go down that same, socialist road?"

He shook his head and pumped another depleted-uranium pyrophoric armour-piercing high-velocity explosive-tipped thermobaric anti-tank round into his fully automatic shotgun. "I'd rather die. Or, in this particular case, that my children die."

Pic (my edit) composed of Public Domain images and Ak47 by Burnyburnout and Rebel (inserted) from Al Jazeera Creative Commons

Nation mourns loss of Insane Gunman, 34

The people of South Africa are in a state of a profound loss and deep mourning this morning, after the sad loss of psychopath, schitzophrenic-turned-uzi-weilding mass murderer Jake Allanhard, who tragically committed suicide after gunning down only 21 corrupt, bribe-taking police officers, incompetent and unpleasant Home Office staff and utterly useless border post officals.

"Though our nation and indeed the world has seen its fair share of drug-addled and utterly unhinged sociopaths," said President Jacob Zuma at an Honourary State Funeral right next to Mandela's burial grounds, "he truly distinguished himself in his choice of 'victims'. Because let's face it, we're not really going to miss them that much."

Zuma praised Allanhard's courage and boldness.

"We've all thought some pretty twisted shit about these kinds of people who just want to make life needless unpleasant and difficult for no real reason whatsoever, but he had the guts to do something about it."

Though many international critics are calling Allanhard's actions "Morally repugnant", "worthy of eternal damnation" and "really really messed up, man", they also added "but we totally get it."

"It doesn't matter how often I go [to the Home Office] or if I've printed out every piece of documentation that could possible be needed for getting a new passport, there is always something that I don't have and have to drive back home to fetch," said Secretary General of Amnesty International, Anne Mesty. "AAARRRGH"

Pic: MSN news (ca)

Zuma continued his heartfelt memorial, calling on all divorced-from-reality nutcases to do their bit.

"Though he was sadly taken from us in a messy on-Live-TV suicide that will be endlessly repeated on CNN and SABC news for the next week, he will be sorely missed. He leaves behind an unfinished legacy - we can only hope and pray that somewhere there is a troubled, parentless, drug-addicted and abused youth who will go on to finish Allanhard's extensive and comprehensive list of the most imbecilic, vituperative, unhelpful foaming-mouthed morons that ruin this already difficult decades-long journey we call life."

Now that he is gone, the nation has been forced to go back to helplessly grinding their teeth in impotent exasperation which imagining violent scenarios in their minds where they totally give that stupid teller a piece of their minds.