The nation is underwhelmed this morning, after a minor mass shooting at a primary school – which left only a meagre 24 children and a mere 6 teachers dead – failed to be grave or shocking enough to inspire legislative and constitutional changes in the nation’s legal structure.
According to eyewitnesses, the shooting only lasted 43 minutes, and failed to claim the lives of anyone younger than the age of 12.
“When we think about the kinds of terror-inspiring, numbing horrors that we’ve encountered and seen plastered bloodily across our TV screens on an almost monthly basis, then clearly this tiny blimp on the mass murder radar just simply isn’t enough to inspire our politicians and countrymen to take the huge selfless leap necessary to create a better, safer society,” said political analyst and school shooting expert Loki Nlode. “If we want to have our country changed for the better, then I just hope the nation’s unstable psychopaths start upping their game, for example by at least taking out a preschool or something.”
Experts now believe that the shooting came in at just number 12 in the Top Shooting Spree Rankings of Q4 2015.
“This shooting, well, it might as well not even have been reported,” said chief investigator Chuu Tsukyl. “I mean, they didn’t even use a calibre bigger than .303, and the killer didn’t even have a racist or misogynistic manifesto that motivated his hate crime. Honestly, I’m not surprised that it was only front-page breaking news on just 34 international news services.”
And editors say it’s a justified choice.
“Right now, with the Syrian bombings and awful political situations unfolding in the Ukraine and Greece, we need something else that’s lighter and less serious on our screens to calm down anxious parents and voters - something like this comparative yawn-fest that utterly fails to shock or horrify our nation's leaders into action” said CNN senior news editor Thysys Justin. “So we’ll keep it blaring on the 24/7 breaking news or developing stories roll for a short while, at least until we run out of frightening stock footage of blaring sirens, flashing blue and red lights, armed policemen and weeping, shell-shocked parents.”
However, other news services don’t believe this will happen anytime soon.
“Seriously, we have thousands of hours of that kind of disturbing, bloodcurling imagery from just the last six months alone,” said political editor at the BBC, Gunther Kiddsdown. “We’ll probably just cut it off after 6 days of terrifying, around-the-clock bulletins.”
