Conclusive link found between football and brain damage

The sporting world has been dealt a scathing blow today, after scientists discovered a definite and causal link between violent contact sports – such as rugby and American football – and lasting brain damage.

The team of researchers say that long-term exposure to these high-impact sports causes debilitating neurological disorders – and that’s just the fans.

Doctors now fear what this could mean for the actual players.

”Despite all the naysaying, suppression of evidence, and silencing of testimony from the NFL, we can finally draw a link between this vicious sport and the cognitive retardation of those exposed to it,” said senior researcher for the Institute of Neurological Disorders, Allie Lebleu. “Our research now suggests that it can only be worse if you actually play the sport itself.”

Lebleu outlined their important and controversial work.

”We took a careful look at these sports, and found they mostly comprise moaning, semi-literate, partially educated males, often from backgrounds with little to no mental stimulation or exposure to worldly ideas or books. Our findings show that these men grow up in an ultra-violent, hyper-masculine environment that teaches them to love these games religiously and physically harm other groups of men all in the name of some meaningless trinkets or trophies,” she said.

“And we haven’t even started looking at the players yet,” she added. “God, I’m terrified what we may discover.”

However, despite the damning report, sporting officials from across the world have scorned the shocking discoveries.

“We’re sure that, with the right evidence picked from the heaps of studies, and the right doctors given the right resources by us, we’ll find a way to explain away these fears,” said spokesperson for the National Football League, Dee Menshia. “There is absolutely no reason to panic and pay attention to these reports – not unless you’re one of our legal representatives.”

And players agree, standing by their parent organisations’ rebuttals.

“Daaaaaaaw fooowsbawl is safe, daaa. Not danger me. Me safe. Me smart,” said 27-year-old Patriots Linebacker, Connor Cushen, holding up a crayon drawing of his happy team and smiling coach as proof. “I hit good coach say. Make bally ball go fly fly win score get shiney neck medal.”

However, the contradicting sides have fans confused.

“I’m not 100%, but I really think there has to be a link between football and being monumentally stupid,” said one New Zealand supporter. “Just look at Adam Sandler: he starred in Water Boy and now he is a drooling and incomprehensible developmentally challenged imbecile. Holy shit, have you seen the sequel, Grown Ups 2?! What more proof do you need?”

Scientific link found between aviation ban and cellphones

The aviation and mobile communications industries are all abuzz today, after scientists found conclusive proof linking cellphone use to aeroplane crashes and disasters.

“We’ve cracked it,” said Ian Turfurince, Senior Researcher at the Academy of Aviation Studies. “People have long been saying that cellphones don’t cause plane crashes, but finally we can categorically say, ‘Actually, they do.’ And the reason for this is something we’d never even considered.”

According to research conducts by the team from AAS, cellphones are banned from planes not because their specific electromagnetic wavelength and emissions cause dangerous interference with aviation equipment and other such sensitive devices, but rather simply because of people’s fucking loud and irritating conversations.

“Think about it,” explained the 600-page research report, “when you’re on a plane, knees braced against your chest, the kid behind you kicking your seat, some blasted baby screaming its stupid head off four rows back, all whilst you struggle to catch half an hour of sleep on your overnighter to London, you’d think nothing could make it worse.”

“But science has shown that, if your neighbour was, in mid-flight, able to crack open his cellphone and blather on about some pointless bullshit, continuously asking ‘can you hear me now? Can you hear me NOW?’, you can imagine that it can, indeed, get much, much worse.”

Researchers now say that planes are a lot more likely to suffer crashes due to the simple fact that pilots can’t take another goddamn second of your inane, pointless blithering.

And pilots agree.

“It’s true,” said flight officer Nina Leven. “I hear people talking in too-loud conversations in restaurants with their business- or romantic partners, and it makes me so glad that, at that moment, I am not responsible for the lives of 96 passengers and a 7-man flight crew. People need to realise their actions have heavy ramifications for those around them: if we were to allow cellphones in-flight and you say something like “no, you hang up” fourteen times in a voice so loud that even the paupers back in economy are able to feel the vomit rise in their throats, there may be unforeseen consequences.”

However, researchers now say that this is just the first step in ensuring aeroplanes are a safer, less irritating environment for all.

“It’s certainly a start, but there’s still much work to do,” said Turfurince. “Now we just need to find a scary, unscientific link between complex aviation equipment and other potential safety hazards on board: such as that guy who keeps farting and acting like it’s not him, screaming babies, and that fat dude who fights tooth and nail to have both armrests for himself.”

Guy in Bakkie won't stop staring

Awkwardness reigns this morning, after traveller and Honda owner Jake Henderson is reportedly stuck behind a flat-backed bakkie holding a man who won’t stop staring at him.

“It’s been like this for at least forty kays now,” said the 27-year-old shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I mean, how can I stop it? I can’t ask him, because he's in another car. I can’t take my eyes off the road because that's incredible dangerous, and there is a consistently short space between each oncoming car which means I can’t safely overtake.”

The young South African is reportedly equally unable to look away for a few seconds to rest his eyes, or pretend to check his phone, as he would if he arrived at a bar or restaurant twenty minutes earlier than his friends and had to sit alone waiting awkwardly like a friendless loser for twenty minutes.

“If this were the local pub, I’d have written at least fourteen fake gibberish-filled SMSes by now,” he said, adding that even if he could check his phone, it would be painfully obvious what he was doing. “We’re in an area with no signal. And by that I don’t mean ‘most of South Africa, especially Grahamstown’. That’s probably why that dude hasn't looked down at his own mobile.."

However, according to sources close to the staring man, it’s the only reasonable thing he can do.

“I’ve got all day,” he said. “I mean, for Christsakes, I’m in the back of a bakkie. I can’t watch the road or admire the magnificent scenery. There’s no radio back here. What am I supposed to do for eight hours?”

Experts now say this type of behaviour is not limited to empty truckbeds.

“We see it on buses, trains and metro cars. It’s human nature to make eye contact every few seconds. The more you try to avoid it, the harder it becomes, until even when you aren’t staring, it’s obvious how much effort you’re putting into not looking."

Reports now indicate that Henderson will pull over at the next petrol station to refuel his car, even though it’s still over the 3/4 mark on his gauge.

"I knew I shouldn't have left my goddamn sunglasses at home. I can't take it anymore," he explained. “It’s either that or purposefully veer to the right and crash my car off the road into a deep ravine."

When approached, driver of the Isuzu bakkie just in front of Henderson, Jeremy Mathers, said that to say that he'd probably pull over at the next petrol station for a bathroom break.

"I don't really need the break, but at least it will get rid of this arsehole who's been tailgating me for the past 40km."

Truck from DiamondBack Truck Covers and Road by SallesNeto BR