Scientific link found between aviation ban and cellphones

The aviation and mobile communications industries are all abuzz today, after scientists found conclusive proof linking cellphone use to aeroplane crashes and disasters.

“We’ve cracked it,” said Ian Turfurince, Senior Researcher at the Academy of Aviation Studies. “People have long been saying that cellphones don’t cause plane crashes, but finally we can categorically say, ‘Actually, they do.’ And the reason for this is something we’d never even considered.”

According to research conducts by the team from AAS, cellphones are banned from planes not because their specific electromagnetic wavelength and emissions cause dangerous interference with aviation equipment and other such sensitive devices, but rather simply because of people’s fucking loud and irritating conversations.

“Think about it,” explained the 600-page research report, “when you’re on a plane, knees braced against your chest, the kid behind you kicking your seat, some blasted baby screaming its stupid head off four rows back, all whilst you struggle to catch half an hour of sleep on your overnighter to London, you’d think nothing could make it worse.”

“But science has shown that, if your neighbour was, in mid-flight, able to crack open his cellphone and blather on about some pointless bullshit, continuously asking ‘can you hear me now? Can you hear me NOW?’, you can imagine that it can, indeed, get much, much worse.”

Researchers now say that planes are a lot more likely to suffer crashes due to the simple fact that pilots can’t take another goddamn second of your inane, pointless blithering.

And pilots agree.

“It’s true,” said flight officer Nina Leven. “I hear people talking in too-loud conversations in restaurants with their business- or romantic partners, and it makes me so glad that, at that moment, I am not responsible for the lives of 96 passengers and a 7-man flight crew. People need to realise their actions have heavy ramifications for those around them: if we were to allow cellphones in-flight and you say something like “no, you hang up” fourteen times in a voice so loud that even the paupers back in economy are able to feel the vomit rise in their throats, there may be unforeseen consequences.”

However, researchers now say that this is just the first step in ensuring aeroplanes are a safer, less irritating environment for all.

“It’s certainly a start, but there’s still much work to do,” said Turfurince. “Now we just need to find a scary, unscientific link between complex aviation equipment and other potential safety hazards on board: such as that guy who keeps farting and acting like it’s not him, screaming babies, and that fat dude who fights tooth and nail to have both armrests for himself.”

Swaziland witches protest govt flight restriction

The Swaziland Association for Witchcraft and Wizardry has this morning announced plans for a series of strikes and protest actions against the Swaziland government following its controversial decision to restrict all witches from flying above 150m.

The flight altitude restrictions, which were put into law last week, would fine any lawbreaking masters of muti, the dark arts or black magic R500 000 for going over the newly imposed limit.

"It's backwards and utterly ridiculous to put in such a law. It makes no sense," said Swaziland citizen Matt Henderson, who asked not to be named. "No one would have ever thought that such a law would even be entertained by citizens and lawmakers - I mean, we all know Swazi witches use their brooms to fling potions at houses and perform incantations, not fly."

The Swaziland government, however, is adamant that such a move is necessary.

"We can't have sorcery in plane engines," said Civil Aviation Authority spokeswoman Seess Wichcroft. "The tokoloshe-bringing hazards they pose on ground-level must not be allowed in the skies." He added, however, that witches were still free to fly below this level. "We don't want the people of other countries to think we're backwards, anti-progressive and witchophobic."

However, the law has been extensively critised by the Sangoma and N'anga Association of Southern Africa.

"Many of our members are not evil witches, but are still grouped under this hurtful law. Some of them make a fair amount of their money protecting would-be air travellers from the dangers of modern aviation," said Chairwizard Aldus Bumblemoore. "We also have a ten-year contract to provide muti application processes to all the 747s and A-380s in the Swazi fleet." This, said Bumblemoore, constitutes an illegal reversal of a contractual agreement, as the airlines argue that they no longer need protection.

He went to outline the dangers of this arguement. "You see, they haven't yet passed legislature restircting the operational limits of tokoloshes and evil spirits. Unless we have formal laws and limitations on where these insidious creatures can practice their trickery, passengers are still in danger."

The government declined to comment on the matter, saying that they were still waiting for their bone-throwers and intestine-readers to get back to them with an official response.