Scientific link found between aviation ban and cellphones

The aviation and mobile communications industries are all abuzz today, after scientists found conclusive proof linking cellphone use to aeroplane crashes and disasters.

“We’ve cracked it,” said Ian Turfurince, Senior Researcher at the Academy of Aviation Studies. “People have long been saying that cellphones don’t cause plane crashes, but finally we can categorically say, ‘Actually, they do.’ And the reason for this is something we’d never even considered.”

According to research conducts by the team from AAS, cellphones are banned from planes not because their specific electromagnetic wavelength and emissions cause dangerous interference with aviation equipment and other such sensitive devices, but rather simply because of people’s fucking loud and irritating conversations.

“Think about it,” explained the 600-page research report, “when you’re on a plane, knees braced against your chest, the kid behind you kicking your seat, some blasted baby screaming its stupid head off four rows back, all whilst you struggle to catch half an hour of sleep on your overnighter to London, you’d think nothing could make it worse.”

“But science has shown that, if your neighbour was, in mid-flight, able to crack open his cellphone and blather on about some pointless bullshit, continuously asking ‘can you hear me now? Can you hear me NOW?’, you can imagine that it can, indeed, get much, much worse.”

Researchers now say that planes are a lot more likely to suffer crashes due to the simple fact that pilots can’t take another goddamn second of your inane, pointless blithering.

And pilots agree.

“It’s true,” said flight officer Nina Leven. “I hear people talking in too-loud conversations in restaurants with their business- or romantic partners, and it makes me so glad that, at that moment, I am not responsible for the lives of 96 passengers and a 7-man flight crew. People need to realise their actions have heavy ramifications for those around them: if we were to allow cellphones in-flight and you say something like “no, you hang up” fourteen times in a voice so loud that even the paupers back in economy are able to feel the vomit rise in their throats, there may be unforeseen consequences.”

However, researchers now say that this is just the first step in ensuring aeroplanes are a safer, less irritating environment for all.

“It’s certainly a start, but there’s still much work to do,” said Turfurince. “Now we just need to find a scary, unscientific link between complex aviation equipment and other potential safety hazards on board: such as that guy who keeps farting and acting like it’s not him, screaming babies, and that fat dude who fights tooth and nail to have both armrests for himself.”

Guy in Bakkie won't stop staring

Awkwardness reigns this morning, after traveller and Honda owner Jake Henderson is reportedly stuck behind a flat-backed bakkie holding a man who won’t stop staring at him.

“It’s been like this for at least forty kays now,” said the 27-year-old shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I mean, how can I stop it? I can’t ask him, because he's in another car. I can’t take my eyes off the road because that's incredible dangerous, and there is a consistently short space between each oncoming car which means I can’t safely overtake.”

The young South African is reportedly equally unable to look away for a few seconds to rest his eyes, or pretend to check his phone, as he would if he arrived at a bar or restaurant twenty minutes earlier than his friends and had to sit alone waiting awkwardly like a friendless loser for twenty minutes.

“If this were the local pub, I’d have written at least fourteen fake gibberish-filled SMSes by now,” he said, adding that even if he could check his phone, it would be painfully obvious what he was doing. “We’re in an area with no signal. And by that I don’t mean ‘most of South Africa, especially Grahamstown’. That’s probably why that dude hasn't looked down at his own mobile.."

However, according to sources close to the staring man, it’s the only reasonable thing he can do.

“I’ve got all day,” he said. “I mean, for Christsakes, I’m in the back of a bakkie. I can’t watch the road or admire the magnificent scenery. There’s no radio back here. What am I supposed to do for eight hours?”

Experts now say this type of behaviour is not limited to empty truckbeds.

“We see it on buses, trains and metro cars. It’s human nature to make eye contact every few seconds. The more you try to avoid it, the harder it becomes, until even when you aren’t staring, it’s obvious how much effort you’re putting into not looking."

Reports now indicate that Henderson will pull over at the next petrol station to refuel his car, even though it’s still over the 3/4 mark on his gauge.

"I knew I shouldn't have left my goddamn sunglasses at home. I can't take it anymore," he explained. “It’s either that or purposefully veer to the right and crash my car off the road into a deep ravine."

When approached, driver of the Isuzu bakkie just in front of Henderson, Jeremy Mathers, said that to say that he'd probably pull over at the next petrol station for a bathroom break.

"I don't really need the break, but at least it will get rid of this arsehole who's been tailgating me for the past 40km."

Truck from DiamondBack Truck Covers and Road by SallesNeto BR

US Army to militarise cellphones

After years of research and experimentation over why you’re not allowed to have your phone switched on whilst on an aeroplane, the American military has announced their successful weaponisation of cellphones.

“For years we have known that cellphones are hugely dangerous to aircraft,” said US Military spokesperson Mike Rowave. “Perhaps almost as dangerous as bottled water and nail clippers. When we heard that Federal Aviation Authorities had made rules banning their use, we knew there was a potential way to use these devices in the field of combat.”

The US Army and Airforce have now announced a whole new range of weapons and projectiles that use this technology to deadly effect.

“We have a new missile which hits the enemy craft and injects thirty cellphones into it. None of these phones, however, are on Flight Mode, meaning that the pilot’s navigation and plane controls will be completely disrupted, rendering the plane utterly useless.”

Rowave also said that they have developed a series of brand-specific weapons, such as the Blackberry Remote Guided Missile and the iPhone smart bomb – though each of these has proven to have their flaws.

“The Blackberry bomb is excellent and easy to use, but sometimes the screen that you control it from will turn white, making it unusable,” he said. “And the iPhone bomb is custom designed to go deep, deep underground and take out enemy bunkers, eliminating enemy defence systems you've probably never heard of - but these munitions are heavily limited in effective range because their battery runs out so quickly.”

"This bomb also has targeting issues," admitted Rowave. "During testing we started typing 'China' into the target bar, and it replaced it with 'Chicago'. We're still hard at work ensuring non of these potentially embarrassing and world-ending errors sneaks through the R&D phase."

The only major success they have had so far, in fact, has proven too successful and effective at destruction to be legally usable.

“We came up with a mounted gun that shoots Nokia 3310s, and its deadly powers were awe-inspiring, but we’ve had to stow it away in a bunker because it was banned by the Geneva convention. Apparently it’s a Weapon of Mass Destruction – some people think that if we aim low and hit the ground, the old brick could plough deep into the planet and destroy the Earth’s core.”

However, despite this announcement Chinese and North Korean military forces say they are unworried and have already come up with adequate and impregnable defences against this new age of weaponry.

“These missiles won’t even reach us,” said General Sum Ting Wong of the Chinese Republican Army, “because we’ve strapped massive Vodacom Cellphone Towers onto each of our planes. As soon as these weapons come into range, they will be bombarded by network errors and simply drop out of the sky, like it does with any phone call lasting longer than eight seconds.”

Cancer caused by "that small pleasure you have" - study

The health community has brought about controversy this morning, after a lengthy study irrefutably showed that the vast majority of cancers are caused by “that little thing you love”.

Scientists now say that this latest study – commissioned in 2010 and looking into cases of cancer in over 150 countries across the world – proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that most cancers are caused by “that little guilty pleasure you have.”

“The facts are clear,” said the author and lead researcher for the study, Luke Hemia. “Whether it’s a quick smoke in between gruelling shifts, a glass of wine after a stressful day, or that perfectly fried side bacon to dull the ennui of eating goddamn muesli every morning, you’re pretty much screwed.”

Hemia – and hundreds of his peers – now state that, just after nuclear fallout, working in a fission reactor plant, and having daily x-rays, that little thing you like so much that brings a fraction of pleasure to your daily existence is one of the leading causes of all cancer.

“I know we said that bacon was bad for you, and then that it wasn’t, and then again that it was really bad for you, but this time we really mean it,” he said to gathered reporters. “Those small joys, even if it’s just lying in the sun on the beach on a Sunday afternoon, or using your cellphone to call your family – which all make your everyday waking horror that little bit more bearable – are deadly.”

Public reaction to the awful news has been mixed.

“My doctor told me that all these small day-brighteners were giving me incurable brain cancer, so I immediately went on a health purge,” said one man. “I’ve cut out smoking, sun bathing, cellphones, fatty foods, salty foods, sugary soft drinks, alcohol, bacon, going to smoke-filled clubs, and listening to loud music, and I can already feel the health benefits."

"Sure there are minor side-effects, like how I no longer feel any joy whatsoever and derive absolutely no pleasure from life, but hey, I’m going to a long, cancer-free life," he said. "Maybe I’ll even live another hundred years.”

But not all responses have been so drastic.

“When I read about the dangers of drinking alcohol and eating bacon, I knew I had to make some changes,” said joburg residence Bryan Meets.

“So I immediately gave up reading. And I tell you what, I haven’t felt better since.”

Teenage boy unsure whether to use smiley, heart emoticon

pic: wikimedia commons

Following Friday night’s message from 14-year-old Jane Hadley to 15-year-old Eric Carlson containing not one but two winking smileys, a hug emoticon and a colon and capital ‘D’ combined to make a grinning text face, the young boy is reportedly unsure how to respond, saying there isn’t a smiley or textual emoticon that fits neatly into the category of appropriate responses.

“We’ve been texting for a while now, and she sent me two x’s the other day, so it’s safe to say that things are getting pretty serious,” he said, gesturing to his Blackberry. “But I can’t use a single x, because we’re past that stage, and even the double x is getting a little stale. I just don’t know what to do.”

According to Carlson, a whole range of usual responses is now unsuitable.

“I can’t send her three x’s, because that might be too forward – you know, a little raunchy? – and if I send back a heart emoticon with a wink and a smile she might read into it too much,” he said. “Usually I would just type out a laugh, you know, ‘hahahahaha’ and then send a winking smiley or two back, but I really want this single instant message to make an impact, a real lasting impression, on her.”

Media Message experts have agreed that the young boy is in quite a conundrum, as moving forward into three x’s, or even a combination of ‘x’s and ‘o’s, is “a definitely too saucy”, and that “most normal smileys available to him are too benign and friendly to convey his true feelings about her”.

“As text smileys stand right now, he’s in a difficult spot,” said Reed Zintouet. “How can he tell the girl how he really feels, what he honestly thinks about her, if all he has are smileys that convey a very limited set of emotions?”

Sources close to the teenage boy now report that he is considering what could almost be proper spelling and grammar to show how much he cares for Jane.

“We looked at his phone the other day and saw that he is now using ‘yuo’ instead of ‘u’ and stuff like ‘too’ and ‘to’ and whole words instead of a garble of vowel-less bastard words,” they said to reporters.

Analysts now estimate Eric to be only four and a half months away from actually talking to Jane, and a mere eight months before they have a full conversation.

“If he keeps at this break-neck pace, they’ll be holding hands before his 17th birthday.”

However, there still is no reliable guess as to when they might one day have sex, as queries to this effect were met with stifled giggles and outbursts of laughter when we mentioned the word ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’.

“He said it again!” said Eric’s friend, Jake. “Hahahahaha, ’penis’!”

Vodacom client accidentally climbs Kilimanjaro

South Africans made the history books again this morning, after 26-year-old Johannesburg-based salesman and Vodacom cellular services user Khanyi Yermenouw was awarded the Guinness Book of World Records title for “Youngest South African to Accidentally Summit Africa’s Highest Peak”.

Yermenouw was all humility and modesty at the media press conference in Johannesburg this morning, where he watered down the monumental achievement with such self-deprecating statements as “It was nothing, really” and “it just happened – really, I was just trying to get more than one bar on my cellphone.

He first started training for his huge event in 2009, when he signed up for Vodacom.

"I remember he would be running around, climbing trees, getting to the tops of tall buildings, hiking to the tops of hills,” said his mother. “He seemed like he was born to get to really inaccessible areas in the hopes of not having his call inexplicable dropped.”

Vodacom, she said, is every would-be mountaineer’s mobile carrier of choice, with the telecommunications giant covering 98% of the country that you aren't in right now.

Yermenouw told stunned reporters of his inspiration for this accomplishment, his best friend Hwata Bowtnouw.

“I was one the phone with him chatting about the Springbok’s game last weekend, when the line started going all funky. So I went outside to get some signal. It kept wavering between one and two bars, so I just kept going. Next thing I know, I look up and BLAM!, I'm in Kenya. Without him, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

After a gruelling three hundred hours of performing the beginning of the Lion King with his Samsung S4 smartphone, he suddenly realised that he was at the peak of Kilimanjaro. The spot, he told, was incredible.

“Yes, almost two bars of signal. I could almost have a halfway decent conversation,” he said, before adding that, yes, the view was also quite nice.

Yermenouw now expresses an interest in sky-diving and “doing that Felix Baumgartner thing – he must have had at least three bars up there!”

Vodacom has since expressed its pleasure at seeing this massive achievement.

“We have been huge fans of mountain climbing since we first started providing a cellular service,” he said. “Every night, when I go to bed, tired and worn out from counting how many billions of rands we’re pulling in with our ‘really low’ rates, lol, and rock-bottom data costs, superlol, I sleep well knowing that for that whole day we’ve done our bit helping professional climbers and mountaineers take one step closer to their dream.” He added that it was definitely this feeling and not the R80 000 posturepedic, memory-foam luxury matteress with thousand-thread-count imported Egyptian silk sheets and duvets stuffed with endangered Alaskan Ice Goose feathers that helped him sleep so well.

“It’s all about selfless charity,” he said.

The intrepid young South African mountaineer is now set to be congratulated by the South African government with an awards dinner in his honour in Johannesburg next Saturday. Speaking over the phone to reporters from Muse and Abuse, he told of how honoured he felt.

“I’m really pleased with this award and I hope that… What? I’m sorry, this line is screwy, can you hear me now? What about now? Oh, Jesus, not this aga-“

We expect to hear from him when he summits Everest next June, where he will hopefully have enough signal to finish his sentence.