Guy in Bakkie won't stop staring

Awkwardness reigns this morning, after traveller and Honda owner Jake Henderson is reportedly stuck behind a flat-backed bakkie holding a man who won’t stop staring at him.

“It’s been like this for at least forty kays now,” said the 27-year-old shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I mean, how can I stop it? I can’t ask him, because he's in another car. I can’t take my eyes off the road because that's incredible dangerous, and there is a consistently short space between each oncoming car which means I can’t safely overtake.”

The young South African is reportedly equally unable to look away for a few seconds to rest his eyes, or pretend to check his phone, as he would if he arrived at a bar or restaurant twenty minutes earlier than his friends and had to sit alone waiting awkwardly like a friendless loser for twenty minutes.

“If this were the local pub, I’d have written at least fourteen fake gibberish-filled SMSes by now,” he said, adding that even if he could check his phone, it would be painfully obvious what he was doing. “We’re in an area with no signal. And by that I don’t mean ‘most of South Africa, especially Grahamstown’. That’s probably why that dude hasn't looked down at his own mobile.."

However, according to sources close to the staring man, it’s the only reasonable thing he can do.

“I’ve got all day,” he said. “I mean, for Christsakes, I’m in the back of a bakkie. I can’t watch the road or admire the magnificent scenery. There’s no radio back here. What am I supposed to do for eight hours?”

Experts now say this type of behaviour is not limited to empty truckbeds.

“We see it on buses, trains and metro cars. It’s human nature to make eye contact every few seconds. The more you try to avoid it, the harder it becomes, until even when you aren’t staring, it’s obvious how much effort you’re putting into not looking."

Reports now indicate that Henderson will pull over at the next petrol station to refuel his car, even though it’s still over the 3/4 mark on his gauge.

"I knew I shouldn't have left my goddamn sunglasses at home. I can't take it anymore," he explained. “It’s either that or purposefully veer to the right and crash my car off the road into a deep ravine."

When approached, driver of the Isuzu bakkie just in front of Henderson, Jeremy Mathers, said that to say that he'd probably pull over at the next petrol station for a bathroom break.

"I don't really need the break, but at least it will get rid of this arsehole who's been tailgating me for the past 40km."

Truck from DiamondBack Truck Covers and Road by SallesNeto BR

South Africa to send politicians into CAR

Following the widespread failure of military action in the Central African Republic, the ANC government has announced its decision to send South African politicians into the fray.

This constitutes the largest covert military operation in South African history.

"It's going to be a massive inside job," said military strategist Guy Didmisile. "We're going to destroy them from the inside."

According to Didmisile, the decision first came out when they realised the destructive potential of our politicians.

"If we look at any government sector in South Africa, you'll see chaos and devastation," he said. "In fact, I don't think we could do as much damage with all the bombs in the world."

South African politicians are the latest development in modern warfare. Fueled by Corruptium-231 (empirical formula An-C), they are highly radioactive, and fieldtests have shown their devastating capabilities, especially in very Tender areas of the battlefield. These Weapons of Mass Destruction were first developed in May 2000, and have culminated with recent developments in Project Nkandla, the largest Corruptium-core armament in human history.

Political analysts have raised concerns with the move, but Didmisile has remained adamant.

"These men and women are all too qualified to fuck up a country," he said.

Artist's impression of the Eastern Cape Department of Education

One criticism was aimed at the expectation that the politicians would encounter child soldiers - an unfounded fear, said Didmisile.

"The troops were shot and attacked and beaten by the CAR 21st Infant-ry," he said. "This is a battalion that is made up of children of school-going age. Our politicians have shown all to clearly how they deal with schoolchildren. I think this kids won't know what hit them."

The decision, however, has been criticised by the international community.

"We can't allow this to happen," said a representative from the United Nations. "This isn't some small surgical strike. This will devastate an entire country - and god help us if the radiation should spread."