Scientific link found between aviation ban and cellphones

The aviation and mobile communications industries are all abuzz today, after scientists found conclusive proof linking cellphone use to aeroplane crashes and disasters.

“We’ve cracked it,” said Ian Turfurince, Senior Researcher at the Academy of Aviation Studies. “People have long been saying that cellphones don’t cause plane crashes, but finally we can categorically say, ‘Actually, they do.’ And the reason for this is something we’d never even considered.”

According to research conducts by the team from AAS, cellphones are banned from planes not because their specific electromagnetic wavelength and emissions cause dangerous interference with aviation equipment and other such sensitive devices, but rather simply because of people’s fucking loud and irritating conversations.

“Think about it,” explained the 600-page research report, “when you’re on a plane, knees braced against your chest, the kid behind you kicking your seat, some blasted baby screaming its stupid head off four rows back, all whilst you struggle to catch half an hour of sleep on your overnighter to London, you’d think nothing could make it worse.”

“But science has shown that, if your neighbour was, in mid-flight, able to crack open his cellphone and blather on about some pointless bullshit, continuously asking ‘can you hear me now? Can you hear me NOW?’, you can imagine that it can, indeed, get much, much worse.”

Researchers now say that planes are a lot more likely to suffer crashes due to the simple fact that pilots can’t take another goddamn second of your inane, pointless blithering.

And pilots agree.

“It’s true,” said flight officer Nina Leven. “I hear people talking in too-loud conversations in restaurants with their business- or romantic partners, and it makes me so glad that, at that moment, I am not responsible for the lives of 96 passengers and a 7-man flight crew. People need to realise their actions have heavy ramifications for those around them: if we were to allow cellphones in-flight and you say something like “no, you hang up” fourteen times in a voice so loud that even the paupers back in economy are able to feel the vomit rise in their throats, there may be unforeseen consequences.”

However, researchers now say that this is just the first step in ensuring aeroplanes are a safer, less irritating environment for all.

“It’s certainly a start, but there’s still much work to do,” said Turfurince. “Now we just need to find a scary, unscientific link between complex aviation equipment and other potential safety hazards on board: such as that guy who keeps farting and acting like it’s not him, screaming babies, and that fat dude who fights tooth and nail to have both armrests for himself.”

Guy in Bakkie won't stop staring

Awkwardness reigns this morning, after traveller and Honda owner Jake Henderson is reportedly stuck behind a flat-backed bakkie holding a man who won’t stop staring at him.

“It’s been like this for at least forty kays now,” said the 27-year-old shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I mean, how can I stop it? I can’t ask him, because he's in another car. I can’t take my eyes off the road because that's incredible dangerous, and there is a consistently short space between each oncoming car which means I can’t safely overtake.”

The young South African is reportedly equally unable to look away for a few seconds to rest his eyes, or pretend to check his phone, as he would if he arrived at a bar or restaurant twenty minutes earlier than his friends and had to sit alone waiting awkwardly like a friendless loser for twenty minutes.

“If this were the local pub, I’d have written at least fourteen fake gibberish-filled SMSes by now,” he said, adding that even if he could check his phone, it would be painfully obvious what he was doing. “We’re in an area with no signal. And by that I don’t mean ‘most of South Africa, especially Grahamstown’. That’s probably why that dude hasn't looked down at his own mobile.."

However, according to sources close to the staring man, it’s the only reasonable thing he can do.

“I’ve got all day,” he said. “I mean, for Christsakes, I’m in the back of a bakkie. I can’t watch the road or admire the magnificent scenery. There’s no radio back here. What am I supposed to do for eight hours?”

Experts now say this type of behaviour is not limited to empty truckbeds.

“We see it on buses, trains and metro cars. It’s human nature to make eye contact every few seconds. The more you try to avoid it, the harder it becomes, until even when you aren’t staring, it’s obvious how much effort you’re putting into not looking."

Reports now indicate that Henderson will pull over at the next petrol station to refuel his car, even though it’s still over the 3/4 mark on his gauge.

"I knew I shouldn't have left my goddamn sunglasses at home. I can't take it anymore," he explained. “It’s either that or purposefully veer to the right and crash my car off the road into a deep ravine."

When approached, driver of the Isuzu bakkie just in front of Henderson, Jeremy Mathers, said that to say that he'd probably pull over at the next petrol station for a bathroom break.

"I don't really need the break, but at least it will get rid of this arsehole who's been tailgating me for the past 40km."

Truck from DiamondBack Truck Covers and Road by SallesNeto BR

Man leaves insightful comment on News24, apologises, crashes internet

pic: atom.smasher.org

A man left almost 4 billion people without an internet connection after he left an insightful, non-racist, non-sexist, non-inflammatory post on the News24 comments section.

The post, which was based on real, peer-reviewed, well-published and trusted studies and called for a move away from fragmentary knee-jerk hateful responses to the articles, was left at about 4:14pm yesterday, said Internet Specialist and Network Analyst Maus Kliken.

"As soon as he clicked 'Enter' and posted the comment, the Internet went under incredible strain, trying to figure out why there was someone constructive and non-racist on this particular page," said Kliken.

According to Kliken, roughly 14 racist and hateful replies later, the man posted an apology.

"Never, in the history of the internet, has anyone publicly apologised and accepted fault on their own part for their posts," said Kliken."The Internet just didn't know what to do. Hell, it didn't even have an error message for this kind of problem."

This is not the first time the internet has been brought to its knees by an internet user, and once again, the Rhodes Student Representative Council is finding itself having to prepare real-life replacements of social media sites in order to prevent riots and violence.

Social Psychologists and Online Persona Theorists are baffled as to why the man would do such a thing.

"The Internet is a battlefield that eats considerate, kind people up  for breakfast," said Social Psychologist Dr Qwak Sharlottan. "Why anyone would go on the internet and willingly destroy one of its key pillars is just bizarre. We can only assume that the man is an uttter Internet Sociopath. He probably doesn't even LOL, and doesn't find Bacon or pictures of kittens in little bibs all that appealing. The sick fuck."

However, some specialists have other theories.

"We think we know who the man is, after sifting through the debris of the internet, and we checked out his online presence. According to his facebook and twitter profiles, he only has 8 friends and started serious online activity last week. He just didn't know what he was doing," said Internet behaviourist John Angers. "How was he supposed to know online comments etiquette without the necessary lived experience?" 

Artist's rendition of a typical day on the internet.
Pic: Flickr, Matisse_Enzer

 

Angers went on to suggest that some sort of sandbox unconnected internet should be created to prevent these kinds of issues.

"We need people a space to practice small-minded bigotry without endangering other 'net users," he said.

Meanwhile, Internet specialists have called on a huge global network of trolls to restore the Internet to its former balance.

"Right now, a highly-trained team of crack keyboard professionals are calling each other 'mindless fucktards' and 'dum niggars ruining ths gr8 county'," said Lieutenant John Web of the Internet Restoration Committee. "The internet should be back to normal within days."

Jac labs user crashes the internet

A Rhodes University student working late at night in the Jacaranda labs has crashed the entire internet, says Head of the Information Technology Department John Buffer.

According to Buffer, the internet was already under immense strain even before first-year Bachelor of Commerce student Iva Lottatime logged on to the system in the greasy, hot, disgusting, overcrowded labs yesterday evening.

"Considering how the vast loads of academic work that students do in these labs requires them to check crucial posts on facebook, twitter and 9gag every four seconds, as well as scour the net for videos of their favourite pop star, - for referencing and research purposes, of course -, the internet was already huffing and puffing even before her g131234 username was logged," said Buffer.

Those logging on to Facebook were greeted by a blue and white of a different kind.

After opening a Microsoft Word document and pasting in some bullshit quotes so that she could tell people who need the computer for real work that she was actually working, she proceeded to open Internet Explorer 6.

Artist's depiction of Internet Explorer 6.

"This was when things started going uphill," said data analyst and computer systems expert Noah Kluatall, who works in the IT department. "Internet Explorer is like the bastard child of a wet paper bag and a whale's heartbeat: really slow, and really unreliable. By clicking the blue 'e', she doomed the net."

According to a user history of the session, she opened 67 tabs - a crime that was aggravated by the "environmentally friendly" recycled-paper printer.

"That printer never works, but she kept saying 'print document'. Before the 'net went down, there were 84 copies of her mostly plagiarised politics assignment queued up to print," said Kluatall.

"Eventually," Kluatall said, "the combination of Black Eyed peas songs, Nicki Minaj videos, cat pictures and 2371 photos uploading of herself pretending that she wasn't taking a picture of herself was too much to take. The internet shut down completely."

The effects have been widespread and horrific, say experts.

"Since the outage, many students haven't been able to use this single largest compendium of human knowledge, history and experience and its accompanying terabytes upon terabytes of mind-blowing philosophy, art and learning potential to update their statuses and get into flame and comment wars on Youtube," said internet expert Mauz Kilka.

Since the 'net fell, students have been reporting that they've had to talk to real people, and learn the name of the guy who lives three doors down from their res room. Also, since Google Books is no longer available to pull assignment-relevant quotes from, they've had to walk to to the library and read books.

Books were first invented in 1934 by Sir John James Edwards Bookington the 5th. They were quickly phased out when Al Gore invented the Internet in 1991.

"It's crazy," said one geography student. "My pen doesn't even have a copy-paste function. How the hell am I supposed to write essays now?"

However, it's not just work that has been affected. Since the major source of tiny fluffy animals with big eyes and cute bibs has disappeared, tensions are at an all time high.

"Someone pushed in the Dining Hall line on Cheesecake Wednesday, and there was almost a full-blown fight. It was like being in a Joburg club, just without the shit, greasy haircuts, too-tight collared shirts, skin-tight ball-oxygen depriving jeans, and too-expensive drinks," said Nelson Mandela Hall student Jean-Eric Naym.

The SRC is working closely with the SPCA to ensure that students don't explode.

"We're handing out small kittens and puppies in cute woolen boots to diffuse the obvious tensions on campus," said SRC Cute Animals Contingencies Councillor Quewt Niss. The SRC also has contingencies in place to help students with their social media fixes. Whether or not they're going to hand out fap packages to male reses has yet to be confirmed.

"We're handing out small kittens and puppies in cute woolen boots to diffuse the obvious tensions on campus," said SRC Cute Animals Contingencies Councillor Quewt Niss.

Images like this, which originates from the Cold War era, are said to be the only thing standing between us and full-blown nuclear winter.

It's a dire situation, and one that is not set to be rectified any time soon. Internet specialists have been at their wits end with getting the internet back online.

"We had a full working backup for the internet, but we saved it online," said Kluatall. "We had it on a harddrive, but someone's need for Community season 3 and the new Game of Thrones was obviously too much to handle."