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| pic: atom.smasher.org |
A man left almost 4 billion people without an internet
connection after he left an insightful, non-racist, non-sexist,
non-inflammatory post on the News24 comments section.
The post, which was based
on real, peer-reviewed, well-published and trusted studies and called for a
move away from fragmentary knee-jerk hateful responses to the articles, was
left at about 4:14pm yesterday, said Internet Specialist and Network Analyst
Maus Kliken.
"As soon as he clicked 'Enter' and posted the comment, the Internet
went under incredible strain, trying to figure out why there was someone
constructive and non-racist on this particular page," said
Kliken.
According to Kliken, roughly 14 racist and hateful replies later, the
man posted an apology.
"Never, in the history of the internet, has anyone
publicly apologised and accepted fault on their own part for their posts,"
said Kliken."The Internet just didn't know what to do. Hell, it didn't
even have an error message for this kind of problem."
This is not the first time the internet has been brought to its knees by an internet user, and once again, the Rhodes Student Representative Council is finding itself having to prepare real-life replacements of social media sites in order to prevent riots and violence.
Social Psychologists
and Online Persona Theorists are baffled as to why the man would do such a
thing.
"The Internet is a battlefield that eats considerate, kind people
up for breakfast," said Social Psychologist Dr Qwak Sharlottan.
"Why anyone would go on the internet and willingly destroy one of its key
pillars is just bizarre. We can only assume that the man is an uttter Internet
Sociopath. He probably doesn't even LOL, and doesn't find Bacon or pictures of kittens in little bibs all
that appealing. The sick fuck."
However, some specialists have other theories.
"We
think we know who the man is, after sifting through the debris of the internet,
and we checked out his online presence. According to his facebook and twitter
profiles, he only has 8 friends and started serious online activity last week.
He just didn't know what he was doing," said Internet behaviourist John
Angers. "How was he supposed to know online comments etiquette without the necessary lived experience?"
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| Artist's rendition of a typical day on the internet. Pic: Flickr, Matisse_Enzer |
Angers went on to suggest that some sort of sandbox unconnected internet should be created to prevent these kinds of issues.
"We need people a space to practice small-minded bigotry without endangering other 'net users," he said.
Meanwhile, Internet specialists have called on a huge global network of trolls to
restore the Internet to its former balance.
"Right now, a highly-trained
team of crack keyboard professionals are calling each other 'mindless
fucktards' and 'dum niggars ruining ths gr8 county'," said Lieutenant John
Web of the Internet Restoration Committee. "The internet should be back to
normal within days."
