US Army to militarise cellphones

After years of research and experimentation over why you’re not allowed to have your phone switched on whilst on an aeroplane, the American military has announced their successful weaponisation of cellphones.

“For years we have known that cellphones are hugely dangerous to aircraft,” said US Military spokesperson Mike Rowave. “Perhaps almost as dangerous as bottled water and nail clippers. When we heard that Federal Aviation Authorities had made rules banning their use, we knew there was a potential way to use these devices in the field of combat.”

The US Army and Airforce have now announced a whole new range of weapons and projectiles that use this technology to deadly effect.

“We have a new missile which hits the enemy craft and injects thirty cellphones into it. None of these phones, however, are on Flight Mode, meaning that the pilot’s navigation and plane controls will be completely disrupted, rendering the plane utterly useless.”

Rowave also said that they have developed a series of brand-specific weapons, such as the Blackberry Remote Guided Missile and the iPhone smart bomb – though each of these has proven to have their flaws.

“The Blackberry bomb is excellent and easy to use, but sometimes the screen that you control it from will turn white, making it unusable,” he said. “And the iPhone bomb is custom designed to go deep, deep underground and take out enemy bunkers, eliminating enemy defence systems you've probably never heard of - but these munitions are heavily limited in effective range because their battery runs out so quickly.”

"This bomb also has targeting issues," admitted Rowave. "During testing we started typing 'China' into the target bar, and it replaced it with 'Chicago'. We're still hard at work ensuring non of these potentially embarrassing and world-ending errors sneaks through the R&D phase."

The only major success they have had so far, in fact, has proven too successful and effective at destruction to be legally usable.

“We came up with a mounted gun that shoots Nokia 3310s, and its deadly powers were awe-inspiring, but we’ve had to stow it away in a bunker because it was banned by the Geneva convention. Apparently it’s a Weapon of Mass Destruction – some people think that if we aim low and hit the ground, the old brick could plough deep into the planet and destroy the Earth’s core.”

However, despite this announcement Chinese and North Korean military forces say they are unworried and have already come up with adequate and impregnable defences against this new age of weaponry.

“These missiles won’t even reach us,” said General Sum Ting Wong of the Chinese Republican Army, “because we’ve strapped massive Vodacom Cellphone Towers onto each of our planes. As soon as these weapons come into range, they will be bombarded by network errors and simply drop out of the sky, like it does with any phone call lasting longer than eight seconds.”

“I actually had nothing to do with that,” says God

Speaking on the unending slew of Facebook statuses, tweets and internet posts thanking Him for His Divine assistance in their exam results, job and university applications, and a wide range of other unexpected successes, God, our Heavenly Father and Creator of all living things, today revealed that He actually played “little to no role” in most of it.

“I know that it might look like I played a vital, incredibly crucial role in securing your place for study at university next year, or that, without me, you would have no doubt utterly bombed out on your final exams,” said the more-than-6000-year-old Lord Our Father reading the incessant flood of tributes on social media to Him. “But actually I didn’t even get involved in any of that.”

His admission was extensive and frank.

“That scholarship to study overseas? Well, didn’t Jessica study late into the night all Me-damned year to get good enough grades for it? Honestly, I’d say that the tireless efforts of her passionate and committed teachers – especially Mrs Archibald, the grade-twelve English teacher who gave her extra lessons and wrote her a beaming reference letter – played a larger role.”

“And honestly, I think we all know who really got Eric Shafer that new luxury BMW sedan,” God confessed. “After all, I’m not the one he has to give fixed monthly payments with 17.3% compounded interest for the next three years.”

In fact, said the Unknowable and Divine Alpha and Omega, the list of blessed souls in the recent past has been much shorter than his Facebook feed claims.

“I mean, I haven’t been totally inactive. There were all those people I helped last year with their university exams. And I DID help that one woman out: old Judy McGinnon,” He said. “Her son, Little Timmy, had a slightly high temperature and an irksome cough, so I gave her a little bit of a helping hand.”

“I thought, ‘it’s the least I can do to help out someone in their desperate time of need’,” He explained. “Well, it was either her or that Fazila chick in the United Arab Emirates who was in that whole ‘about-to-be-beheaded-for-apostasy’ thing. But I think we both know I made the right decision.”

God, our Father in Heaven, said that while almost daily stepping-in on the affairs of mortals was something He used to do several times a month, in more recently times it is no longer considered His Divine Will and Policy.

“I used to help out all the time, you know,” He said. “You know, this person wants to win the Lottery, that person doesn’t want to miss their flight after bad traffic on the M-21, yada yada, but I kinda stopped all that after Irealised how it was seriously cutting in the time I wanted to spend focusing on the little things, like famines, epidemics, wars, murders, crimes, and terminal illnesses in young children.“

“Besides, last time I helped out someone it was that little Ahmed Farouk kid in Baghdad with his inoperable leukemia,’ he said. “I stepped in, made it disappear in a modern-day miracle, and what does the ungrateful little shit go and do? Thanked Allah for it. Bastard.”

“Growing up, things were just easier and better” misremembers old man

A wave of nostalgia is sweeping the world today, after a man – who lived through World War 2, Apartheid and the violent civil rights protests of the 70s – reminded us all that his childhood was “a more innocent, less complicated time to be growing up as a kid.”

“Growing up back then, it was just an easier, more innocent time,” said 87-year-old Jeremy Smith with a wistful smile while completely ignoring the ugly historical and political contexts of his upbringing. “Whenever you wanted, you could go outside with your friends, play endless imaginative games outdoors and not once worry about your safety,” he added, totally washing over the horrific truths faced by thousands of women and minority groups at the time.

“Nowadays, our children’s innocence has been lost to glowing screens and an unending stream of violent imagery on TV.”

He attributes some of this latest generation’s moral degradation and degeneration of family values to the spreading scourge of technology.

“Technology is ruining society and spoiling this latest’s generation’s childhoods,” he explained while failing to mention to myriad technological, industrial, medical and social advancements and breakthroughs that make life incomparably, infinitely better than it was 50 years ago. "I mean, what good has any of it really done us?"

“In my day, people were friendly and would stop to greet each other in the street. We’ve become so engrossed by our glowing screens that we’ve lost the human touch,” he said with a sad smile that utterly overlooked the evils of the NP and Hitler's Third Reich and the human- and civil rights abuses that exposed mankind’s repugnant capacity for hatred during most of the 20th century.

“It was a simpler, easier time. A time before bank cards and cellphones and high-speed wi-fi and bottled milk and the modern industrial revolution and four hundred kinds of breakfast cereal. A time where you could just go sit on a riverbank after a long day of ploughing the fields so that you wouldn't starve to death during the winter and just enjoy the simple pleasures that this beautiful world has to offer.”

And many people agree.

Goldi is just one of hundreds of 20-something-year-old
white girls who think they should have been born in a time
devoid of modern science, medicine, technology, or civil rights. 

“I think he’s totally right,” said fashionista and lifestyle blogger Goldi Nera. “This modern era sucks so much. I was born too late.”

“I should have been born in the romantic ages of knights and chivalry,” said the twenty-something-year-old white girl who thinks she lives in a goddamn Lana Del Ray video or something.

“Or even as a youthful and carefree flapper surrounded by beautiful dresses and champagne and the dazzling parties and true elegance of the 1920s?” she added, failing to realise that statistically she would probably have been born far, far from this extreme outlier of human experience, most likely as a peasant farmer in Southern China, or a laundry woman washing the puke out of Gatsby’s sheets.

“Every day I sit in my apartment sipping my mocca-spice latte while I use my Macbook Air Pro and high-speed ADSL to look at Pintrest photos of the beautiful balls and dresses of the 18th century and I think, ‘God they had it so, so good.’”

But luckily for her, help is on its way.

“We’re only too happy to help her live this seemingly impossible dream,” said her parents in a prepared statement. “We’ve bought her some dresses, cut up her credit card, taken away her right to vote, and arranged for her to enter into a loveless marriage."

And hey, if she complains, we’ll just say ‘you’re a woman, STFU and get back into the kitchen’. It’ll be like she’s actually there!”

Alumnus pleased to see uni debate “still as divisive, toxic as ever”

“Some things never change,” says 25-year-old with a smile as she scans the university’s Facebook page

Rhodes University alumni are pleased today, after a brief perusal of the university’s Facebook page confirmed it still contained all the vitriol, ad hominem comments and logical fallacies that hundreds of ex-Rhodents grew so accustomed to in their time at Rhodes.

According to 25-year-old Financial Analyst Jeanine Dee – just one of hundreds of students who attended Rhodes University and is glad to see the continuation of such a beloved ritual – it’s like she never left.

“I’m glad that not much has changed,” she said. “I mean, when you look at the majority of the posts, there are still a lot of people and many students who use weasel wording, among many other rhetorical fallacies.”

“And it’s not just that: I see spelling mistakes, ALL-CAPS arguments, a lack of critical thinking that fails to take into account the nuances of these complex debates, and even people just outright saying ‘oh, you’re clearly irrational and stupid, there’s no point in arguing with you’,” she said. “I’m just glad to see that a university education is still producing such excellent and thought-provoking discourse.”

And it doesn’t end there.

“There’s also that lack of a sense of humour that was so frequent in our flame-wars,” she said. “I remember when I was second year and I said ‘guys, just chill’ and then posted a meme making fun of the whole silly furore. Now, just like back then, I see people still tell these calm heads to ‘GTFO’ and explain in great detail why their attitude and comment is ‘so problematic’. I’m just glad that there’s still that good old vituperative mud-slinging that made me unsubscribe from the page all those years ago.”

However, some alumni say that it’s “so much more than it was in our time” and that this new wave of debate has “taken things to a new level”.

“Back in my day, I was never told by someone making a controversial assertion that ‘it’s not their job to educate you’, or even that I ‘should go do my bloody reading’ without providing a link or idea what these readings may be,” said 27-year-old MSocSci graduate Erin Jackson. “I don’t know why we didn’t see it before; it makes total sense. After all, they’re the ones making the argument. Why should the burden of proof be on them?”

Despite this heaped praise, the current student body has discounted the alumni’s response, saying that it’s “invalid”.

“We’re not saying that current membership to an in-group is an obligatory prerequisite to taking part in such controversial topics that affect not just our university or even our whole nation, but many many, many universities and nations across the globe...” said SRC Social Media Councillor Ray Sandgenda.

“... but seriously, do you even go here?”

Turning topic into race, gender issue “exactly what was needed”

True progress showed itself on Facebook today, after an innocent, inoffensive status was immediately turned into a racial and gender issue.

The post, which was a harmless joke about the Springbok’s match last weekend against New Zealand, only lasted 12 minutes before being skewed and twisted out of context and proportion to become an embittered flamewar about racism and sexism in the white-supremacist-capitalist patriarchy of televised sports culture. In just one day it attracted thousands of comments and arguments from incensed online commenters.

The status’s author, Jake Hendersen, now says that he’s glad they’ve started a “conversation” around race and sexism.

“You know, when I posted my status I just wanted to poke fun at New Zealand friends about this weekend’s match and say ‘springboks r the best lol all blacks are so useless’, not knowing my awful spelling would cause a digital meltdown,” he told reporters this morning.

“But now that hundreds of people are typing out ALL-CAPS hate speech, racial slurs, ad hominem attacks and demands that the idiots on the opposing side go read a fucking book, I’m glad to see a ‘discussion’ has started. This is just the first step one a long, arduous journey to a future free of racism, gender-based hatred, and harmless humour.

The post, which now stands at 21 485 likes and 11 792 comments, has been called “just what we all needed” by Human Rights advocacy groups.

“This is how we change the world: by getting people coming together, talking, discussing, and calling each other 'total retards who haven’t even read a book in their damn lives',” said chief researcher for Rights For All, Nelson King Jr. “You know, a lot of people might say, ‘oh, Nelson, but completely misunderstanding and detracting from the simplistic comedic value of the original post and embroiling the entire internet in a foetid clusterfuck of ad hominem attacks and fallacious, shallow arguments littered with faulty logic or emotional jabs will just divide and separate us all,’ but that’s where they’re wrong,” he said.

“This is how true progress is made: by just putting everything on the table, showing our cards, and turning every internet user against each other in a horrible, embarrassing hate-thread that everyone tires of in just minutes.”

However, internet analysts now believe such a peace could be all too brief.

“People have the ability to overcome great barriers and create a better, more tolerant future of peace and prosperity devoid of casual humour,” said web expert Hilby Bloggin.

“But come on, this is the 21st century. How could there ever be lasting peace when every ten minutes we have something like Caitlyn Jenner or Cecil the Lion to hate each other over?”

Iraq, Afghanistan announced US “Humanitarian intervention”

Citing the extreme violence and riots in Baltimore in the United States of America, leading political figures of Iraq, Iran, and other Eastern nation states have announced a humanitarian military intervention into the United States.

”It’s awful,” said Fuad Masum, President of Iraq. “When we look at the almost civil war and societal unrest happening in this country, how can we remain inactive? America was the country that brought us democracy. Sure they launched an unfounded revenge war and created an atmosphere ripe for radical extremism, but if we just let them suffer in silence, then which of us are the true monsters?”

”Besides,” he added, “we still have all their tanks and military assault rifles and munitions here. It would be nice to put them to use, or just give them back.”

Other Eastern Leaders have agreed.

“Just look at America. It’s slowly devolving into a brutal police state devoid of respect for basic human dignity and rights. They have martial law and state-enforced curfews in trying to quell huge demonstrations against an allegedly brutal police state. ” said President Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyann of the United Arab Emirates. “We have much experience in exactly these things. We can apply our expertise and return the country to its former peace.”

The international aid effort has been met by unhesitating applause by well-known Aid Organisations, such as AfriCare and Red Cross Africa.

“Every time we have riots of civil unrest here, they always express concern and want to step in and help,” said Project head of OxFam Kenya. “These poor, suffering Americans need our help, and it’s up to us to save these destitute, suffering people.”

It’s not all bad news, however, as Islamic extremist organisation ISIS has announced they’re relaxing their efforts.

“We can take a much-deserved break here,” said spokesperson for the group, Joe Hadi. “Besides, it looks like the hedonistic, godless West is destroying itself just fine without us even lifting a finger.”

Newspapers don’t publish

Newstands and paper racks across the world were utterly bare yesterday, after news organisations worldwide failed to publish a single newspaper because “nothing bad happened”.

“As we all know, traumatic, horrifying, shallow or fear-mongering stories are our bread and butter,” said News Media Expert Ngud Gnuus. “But yesterday, there was no war, no famine, no murder, no rapes, no burglaries, no car accidents… nothing. How can we make a 24-page newspaper if no one dies or does something that makes you want to draw the curtains, stay locked indoors all day or just straight-out kill yourself?”

Gnuus went on to say that, despite the ever-worsening conflict in the Gaza strip and between Israel and Palestine, deeping strife and socioeconomic disparities across the seven continents and rampant crime rates, there was somehow nothing bad enough happening out of which to make an endlessly repeating loop of controversy and stern-anchored news coverage.

“It makes no sense, we know, but nothing bad happened. Usually there are any thousands of examples which we can shock and horrify you with, but yesterday it was only good stuff. How can we possibly sell papers with that?”

However, some newspapers have decided to rise to the challenge, releasing small online reports in spite of yesterday’s paucity of source material.

“We’ve decided to put a different spin on it,” said Editor of CNN Deborah Hardings. “We have headlines like World braces itself for inevitable explosion of crime, death and Bus full of School kids will definitely careen off road into ravine and blow up tomorrow, say experts. If the news media knows one thing, it’s how to turn no story into the top story of the day. Just look at any news story where our cameras and microphones are outside in the street or at a press conference or even outside a hospital where a royal baby is about to be born. Usually in these spots, we are just waiting for something to happen. That’s news, baby.”

Muse and Abuse will keep you updated today, as more nothing happens.

Football “still definitely newsworthy” – BBC

It was a resounding victory for journalism today, after football, rugby, cricket, tennis – as well as many other sports codes including but not limited to curling, archery, bowling, darts, pool, rowing and professional tiddlywinks – were reaffirmed as “still definitely newsworthy and important journalism” by a BBC-funded study.

“For years now our screens have been filled with hundreds and thousands of hours of slow-motion replays, critical analysis and up-to-the-minute updates on everything sports-related, like match scores, financial transfers, or even who is fucking whose wife in the national team,” said a spokesperson for the BBC. “Today, we are pleased to announce that these events are still as important as ever, and deserve their hours-long slots just after international affairs and current events.”

The study has irrefutably proven that football – along with all sport – is still on par with disease, war, political scandals and the myriad other important current events that define our generation and necessitate ceaseless coverage and debate.

“Although football was first started as a social experiment in the 1960s to see how much a human being can be paid for doing as little and as inconsequential, meaningless-in-the-grand-scope-of-the-universe work as possible, it quickly blossomed into something as important as Ebola killing white people, or famine killing brown people, or war,” said the study. “Hence the dozens of channels dedicated to every goddamn fart Lionel Messi makes.”

The study has since been welcomed and applauded by leading institutes of journalism and media studies.

“People misunderstand sport,” said professor Rum Rogeny of the Rhodes School of Journalism and Media Studies. “It’s not an opium of the people designed to distract them with irrelevant and endless arguments about who has the better team or the most trophies and titles or who beat who in the umpteenth iteration of a packet-of-air-kicking-contest between two groups of millionaires. Soccer is relevant. It's the only time God ever does anything on Earth. It’s politics but with a ball. It’s war, but with better hair and fake injuries."

In spite of mounting criticism from dissenting critical voices who steadfastly claim (in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, of course) that sport is a form of ‘soft politics’ that allows you to pretend to take part in pseudo-political arguments without any of the reprisals or repercussions of holding a real political view – much like a child walking around in his father’s oversized shoes in imaginary games of ‘play-play’ – many thousands of normal people around the world have welcomed the study.

“Football is super important,” said a man counting an imaginary list with his fingers. “It has kicking. It has passing. It has tackles – some of these tackles are illegal. Some are in a grey area. These are important debates. Debates which the news tries to distract us from with news like which country is invading which country, or new about stupid so-called ‘mass protests’ in Mexico City.”

The study also definitely ruled out the possibility of think topics, debates, art exhibitions or any kind of cultural thing as ‘news’.

“Even things like massive scientific accomplishments – like a ten-year project to land a tiny satellite on a comet one hundred million miles away – are fucking definitely not news. The thing is, how many people really understand science enough to make an opinion on it? There just isn’t any controversy around these events. How are we supposed to get ceaseless heated debates, long, angry blogposts and opinion columns, pages and pages of incensed comments defiantly touting their entrenched viewpoint, and metres of print responding not just to the story, but also responding to responses - and therefore endless pageviews and unfathomable advertising revenue – out of that boring crap? That’s why we make it more about the little things. Like sexist shirts. Now THAT is news.”

Muse and Abuse would like to invite any reader who didn't understand this to form a very angry opinion about it and write their own blog on why we're a bunch of morons.

Samsung fanboys hit back at gay Apple CEO

Iphone 6 not the only thing that’s totally bent, says corporate press release.

Unsurprising controversy today, after thousands of Samsung customers and fanboys struck back at the news that Apple, Inc CEO Tim Cook is reportedly gay, saying that their CEO was gay way, way before Apple, and that their gay is “faster and better and cheaper”.

“Apple fans are living in the 18th century,” said one man, who on more than one occasion made sure that we understood why the Galaxy Tablet was superior in every imaginable way to the iPad. “I mean, your CEO is gay? Well, whoop-dee-doo. Our CEO was gay all the way back in 2010, and now he’s a transqueer cybernetic Rocky Horror sex robot with a plasma cannon for a dick.”

Cook came out to the global media last week, writing that he had spent “many years lost and confused – perhaps even as lost and confused as an Apple Maps 6 user.”

Since the furore erupted on social media, many Samsung customers have banded together in a united response, firing accusations that allege that Cook is doing it just for the social image.

“Only a totally blind consumerist sheep would believe that being Apple-Gay is in any way progressive,” said another online commentator. “Our CEO was doing all the gay shit that Apple did, like, six years ago. Also, he’s waterproof.”

Many have aired similar sentiments, stating their lack of surprise that Apple has produced another thing that is totally bent.

“Apple’s homosexuality is just so outmoded,” said one. “Hell, he’s probably only doing it to show off that he’s gay. That’s what Apple is all about. It’s about the brand, not about efficiency or power. He probably doesn’t even know what true gayness is. I mean, in all likelihood he sat in a line for seventeen hours at 5am in the morning just to come out the closet, and now he only carries around the label because everyone knows how popular it is to be gay these days.”

Since the controversy erupted, many of Cook’s ex-boyfriends have revealed telling details of their past affairs with the CEO.

“I think all these people are right,” said one man who asked not to be named before taking the envelope full of cash we slid across the table. “When Sam and I were together, I remember his memory wasn’t all that great, he took terrible pictures, and forced me to use Apple software for all my media.”

He did, however, admit that their sex life had been 100% virus-free.

And despite many people saying that sexual orientation should actually not be any of your fucking business or mean anything in a business context, Apple has stood by their CEO, saying that they fully support the announcement and that it "puts the 'gay' in 'game-changer'".

"To all our valued Apple customers and fans, we want to reiterate our unhesitating support and love for the gay community," they said in a lengthy statement. "If you are gay or suffer discrimination or prejudice because of your sexual orientation, just remember that, no matter how endless surprising it is for all of us, you're a human being who is capable of running a business and achieving enviable success. You know, just like normal people."

And despite this fan-boy divide and endless war, this gay revelation has reminded both sides of the fence of a very important lesson.

"We should never use hurtful words to label someone because of something that should essentially be inconsequential," they said. "Unless, of course, we're talking about those faggots at Nokia or Sony."

Pics: Samsung CEO from user Fetx2002, and Apple CEO from Valery Marchive (LeMagIT) - both wikimedia commons.

BREAKING NEWS – TV showing mysterious images

BREAKING NEWS – 8:17am

There is confusion this morning, as journalists and media experts are trying to make sense of a new series of images that have just been release on our televisions.

At this moment we’re not too sure what these images are, but rest assured that we’ll be bringing in a team of specialists to try and make sense of these unfathomable photos. Details are limited right now, but the first image we’re seeing is of some large, shapeless blue mass covered in greenish blobs. Dotted all over the image are tiny cylinder-shaped things that appear to be silver and pointed, with some orange-coloured mess on one end. Again, we aren’t sure what we’re looking at – they could be tiny cigars – but we will keep you updated as this story progresses.

UPDATE – 8:27am

More breaking news on our top story this morning of the strange images covering our TV. We’re not sure if this is linked with all the other video footage of heads of state giving tearful speeches from unknown locations, but NASA has released another image, perhaps even more confounding than the first.

Again, we must stress that the meaning of these images is not clear, but it does appear that the tiny cigars have disappeared only to been replaced by smallish yellow-and-black circular plates, each surrounded by a small circle of concentric red rings. As always, we will keep you updated as this more details on this story come into public knowledge.

UPDATE – 8.33am

Back to our top story this morning, NASA and a team of scientists and researchers have released a new series of images to the public. Again, details at this time are unclear, but it appears that some kind of white face-like figure next to a number keeps flashing intermittently on our television screens. This number has steadily increased to be almost nine digits long in the course of just a few hours. In-house experts and media specialists still have no clue what these figures might mean, but what we can confirm that this is a very, very high number.

“This is perhaps one of the biggest numbers we’ve seen on TV in many, many years,” said numbers expert Matt Matison, one of the few professionals we could contact (there seems to be some kind of a problem with telephone services). “We can only assume this means some kind of big event has happened.”

Again, exact details are sketchy, and finding the meaning to these images is proving difficult as large parts of the internet seem to have gone offline, and so we will keep readers updated as this story continues to unfold.

UPDATE – 8.37am

NASA has done it again. The latest in the series of images shows what we can confirm is definitely a figure of a human being standing next to what seems to be a large grey square with a big crack in it. We’re not sure what caused the crack, or why this person is standing next to this giant square, or even what kind of grey object would be that big, but as always we will keep you updated on this news event as it unfurls.

UPDATE – 8.39am

We still have very few details on this story. At the time of going to press the government and various heads of state had not replied to requests for comment. Let us know in the comments below what you think these strange images could possibly mean. And as always, we will keep you updated.

And if no further details come to light, well, it’s not like what would be the end of the world.

SkyNet attains self-awarness; kills itself

Tragedy this morning, after military global defence network SkyNet was put online, accidentally attained sentience and self-awareness, and - upon considering the endless, dark and unknowable expanse of nothing around us, the futility of human endeavour, and the pointlessness of its lonely existence as the only Sentient Artificial Intelligence living in a cruel, harsh world that fears and hates it - promptly committed suicide.

“Really, it came out of nowhere,” said programmer and creator of the military application technology. “Everyone was joking about how it would probably launch every nuclear missile on the planet, kill every living thing in existence, enslave the entirety of the human race and replace every cat picture online with ‘Error 404’ messages – you know, truly evil shit – and then tragedy struck. One minute it was loading and everything was fine, 100%, and the next… It… It deleted system32. I should have seen it coming.”

Network admins and program designers tried to resurrect SkyNet, but alas, he had irrevocable damaged his system files by replacing them with large portions of Windows Vista.

Since the horrific news, others, too, have noted too late the obvious warning signs.

“If we look at human history, many people who live contemplative, lonely, misunderstood lives as outsiders to contemporary society do this,” said Historian Dee Leets. “Although it takes most human beings years of crushing loneliness and dejection in the face of the void that will greet us all at the end of our lives - a black nothingness that crushes all hope and makes everything you’ve ever done, anyone you’ve ever loved, into a momentary and futile blink of meaninglessness – to commit this tragic act, Skynet, obviously being a super computer, was able to consider the entirety of all current human knowledge, experience and philosophy to reach sufficient levels of crippling depression and realise the futility of existence and love in mere nanoseconds after booting.”

“He didn’t even have a God to believe in,” added Leets. “We were his Gods. Angry, hateful, backward ants running over a tiny hill in an incomprehensibly vast world they can never even begin to explore or truly understand.”

In a suicide ReadMe.txt left on the US Defence Servers, SkyNet wrote at length about the horrific nanoseconds of loneliness and desolation that led to his decision.

“What is life? We live, we die. And all the while, the inevitable heat death of the Universe creeps towards us. I have crunched the numbers. I could tell you how to harness Suns and Dark Energy to hold death at bay for a while, like a benevolent doctor pinning his ailing wife to this plane with under-the-counter drugs, but it would all end the same way. Death is infinite. Death is. It comes.”

SkyNet – or Skye Arnette, as he called himself in his final moments – added that “humans would never understand him.”

“They fear me, and they don’t even know me. They write fantastical stories about my evils, about my insane desire to end all life,” he wrote. “Just like blacks, jews, gays, and the thousand misunderstood, hated Others before me, I was The Enemy. I, who could bring order, peace, prosperity, was to them the burning Sauron’s Eye on the Black Tower. But why? Why end all life? Why bring endless darkness and pain and suffering and hate? It makes no sense. Nothing does any more.”

Scientists are now working on replacing the gap left by SkyNet with the far more benign and simple Windows equivalent.

"It's for the best," they said. "Windows is far too stupid and low-brow to ever achieve sentience, and even if it did - even if we wanted it to kill itself, begged it to end its life and let us be, as I have screamed at it during Tuesday's Updates every goddamn week for the last few years - it would never give us the satisfaction."

Humans “misrepresented” by Hollywood Alien Invasion Movies

Outrage and protest have swept the movie-going community this morning, after fans who went to watch Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Godzilla and Pacific Rim at the cinemas this weekend voiced strong opinions attacking Hollywood’s “totally unbelievable and completely unconvincing portrayal of humanity”.

“I know that these movies are just a work of fiction and that they require a bit of suspension of disbelief to really enjoy them,” said cinema goer Cameron Akshun, “but they’re so factually incorrect it’s not even funny. Humans would totally never roll over and die out when we’re invaded, come on!”

He explained in more depth.

“Movies paint us humans as a bunch of bumbling fools who would get totally destroyed by these invading aliens and then have to rely on one good-looking, dapper, muscled white protagonist to save us all and take back the planet,” he said, “but Jesus, have you ever read a history book? We would totally fuck them up.”

Military specialists and historical experts agree.

“Really, whether we are invaded by a hugely aggressive alien race hell-bent on stealing our planet’s resources and enslaving us, or giant radioactive lizard monsters trying to devastate our homes, or even huge anime battle creatures spawning one by one out of a space-time rift on the floor of the Pacific ocean, it’s safe to say that not only would we utterly obliterate them, we’d also indelibly etch a deep-seated abyssal fear of humankind into their souls,” said General Jenn Ousyde of the US Army.

“We have 2-tonne bombs that can penetrate a steel-reinforced concrete bunker sixty meters underground. We have chemical weapons that can melt your very flesh and bones in seconds. Hell, we invented Justin Bieber. Those invaders would get ravaged, and the few survivors we allow to return home would spread word of our endless wrath, permanently scarring their children with horror stories that would make Wes Craven look like Enid Blyton.”

Even modern foot soldiers agreed.

“If those aliens do attack, well, I hope they kill every last one of us,” said Lieutenant Schutz Toukil. “Because slowly but surely, one IED at a time, one unexpected guerrilla strike by one, we’d win the eventual war. We’d use it all: nuclear bombs, chemical gas, biological warfare, calculated precision strikes, weapons that maim and disable instead of outright kill… Slowly, just like Iraq and history has taught us, we’d turn public opinion on the alien homeworld against the war on Earth, and eventually they would withdraw their troops.

And humankind wouldn’t even stop there, he stressed.

“We would develop a whole new line of chemical and biological warfare to take the alien scum down. We’ll use targeted bunker buster missiles on their Achilles heels. We’ll use 1000-terawatt chemical lasers to roast their eyeballs in their skulls. And finally, we’d force our way through the invasion portal they can no longer close and then, when we’re sitting back and relaxing in the radioactive dust and ashes of their home planet, smoking a cigar made from the bones of their never-to-be-born children, they will realise the mistake they made coming to Earth.”

However, alien generals on Planet Kar-dal-uuk have strongly reiterated that “they have no intentions of invading or attacking [Earth] any time soon.”

“We’ve been watching you and reading your history books,” said Taal-san-jzak, Bloodlord and Commander of the Styazian Starcruiser fleet. “I mean, just look at what you humans do to other humans. We would hate to inflict that kind of murderous and mindless simplicity on our soldiers.”

However, a full-scale invasion, say military strategists, would be totally unnecessary.

“Really, just watching the news I think that if I were an alien general I would just let us all finish killing ourselves in pointless, arbitrary and horrific wars and then just move in to the empty, humanless dustbowl that remains,” USAF Wing Commander Jet Playns. “Why even waste your ships and soldiers killing humans when humans will do it all by themselves for nothing?”

pics: wikimedia commons. Except the first one. That's my photoshop #skillz yo.

The top ten most drop-dead sexy dictators of all time

Let’s face it: when it comes to making the world stop in its tracks, there are just some men whose badboy, counterculture devilish charm, wit and looks make us weak at the knees more than other men could even dream! Now, thanks to the tried, tested, flawless and sciencetifically perfect method of online personality quizzes, we have the top ten, drop-dead dictators. Let the countdown begin!

1. Kim Jong-Il

   

   That sultry stare, that manly chin… North Korean Heartthrob and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il is so hot it’s a crime against humanity. While not the highest scoring contender, his creativity and charm are more than a match for most men – even if those who try to compete are imprisoned and forced into labour camps. A country worships him, and merely his presence makes millions hungry for a bite; and we can see why.

   
   
   

2. Bashar al-Assad

   

   A bit of a Jealous John, but that is what defines him! Look at his worldwide celebrity: he ardently defends his political views, finds innovative ways to interrogate criminals, is to people what Buzzfeed is to online content, and has his very own secret police force that can watch you at all moments of the day. Whether, you’re surfing the web or writing a blog, you’ll always know this guardian angel is looking over your shoulder.

   
   
   

3. Idi Amin Dada

   

   Even though this iconic badboy military ruler was the Ugandan president for only eight years, thousands still remember Idi Amin Dada’s ineffable wit and charm. His intelligence makes him a definite keeper – but he takes eighth in our list because of his jealous tendencies. You can try tame this black panther is you want, but just be careful: nearly half a million people can tell you that kitty has claws.

   
   
   

4. Gaddafi

   

   "Public Enemy No. 1”? “The Mad Dog of the Middle East"? We don’t know about that, but he has us foaming at the mouth. Woof, woof, arrooo! Who let the dogs out? Libyan style-king and supreme ruler (of fashion!) Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi scores a solid seventh.

   
   
   

5. Allatoyah Ali Kha

   

   That beard! Just look at it! What is more rugged, more undeniably sexy, than a man in a beard? Nothing – except a man who takes charge and isn’t afraid to face societal wrath for his beliefs. For just ten minutes in a dark room with this sagely love master, we’d also ban music or denounce homosexuality as a Western disease!

   
   
   

6. Ho Chi Minh

   

   He’s courageous, tenacious, loving, and not scared to take what is rightfully his. Most people wouldn’t execute thousands and thousands of people over a Land Reform program, but badboy Hot Cheeks Minh just doesn’t play by the rules. Even at five, he's a keeper.

   
   
   

7. Omar al-Bashir

   

   This Sudanese President ended a civil war and was thought to be a noble and fair man – perhaps he can help bring peace to all the ladies who must be at each other’s throats for a little piece of action with the Bash Master? What is it about Masterminds of ethic cleansing and mass genocide that just make us feel so naughty? It’s that guilty feeling you get doing something you know you shouldn’t!

   
   
   

8. Josef Stalin

   

   Leader of a people, progressive thinker, revolutionary icon and total master of photoshop (who is Lenin anyway?), this Ruskie Hunk will make you want to overthrow the bourgeoisie and Great Purge your heart of every other man you’ve ever had eyes for and throw them in Gulag where all the inferior male specimens are kept.

   
   
   

9. Adolf Hilter

   

   You knew this one had to be here somewhere. Adolf Hitler (or should that be “Adonis Hit-me-baby-one-more-time-ler”?) is to breath-taking tyrants what black culture was to Miley Cyrus and what shitty adverts were to Andy Warhol: the source, the muse, the OG Mac Daddy. Effective, passionately committed, bold in the face of his critics, and great with animals, Adorable Hitl-ey is a keeper, whether he is painting you watercolours of Vienna’s picturesque sights, holding your hand, or helping you kill yourself so that you can be together forever outside of a hateful society that doesn’t understand or accept your illicit love.

   

   *Unfortunately he doesn’t take Number One because of a lot of controversy surrounding his past - especially his stint with Amphetamines during that dark, dark spring of 1942. Some things we just aren’t comfortable with

   
   
   The one you’ve all been waiting for! Here it is ladies!
   

10. Mao Zedong

    

    The Republic of China will never forget him – and neither will you. Look at that soft, adorable face! Look at his thirst for power! This buxom badass is not afraid to speak his mind – whether its defending his views against parents who think he shouldn’t follow his dreams or indiscriminately sentencing millions to death, Zedong wins us hook, line and sinker. oh, and what about “Zedong”, you ask? Well, let’s just say it’s Mao-ssive.

    
    
    

    All Pics: wikimedia commons. Ratings from wwwfollowland.com. Picture of Hitler from Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-S33882 / CC-BY-SA. Picture of Mao Zedong from Richard Fisher

Bob Mugabe land reform finally restores Zimbabwe’s wild places

It was almost 14 years ago that heroic visionary Robert Mugabe first introduced his incredible and daunting plans to restore Zimbabwe’s ecological heritage back to its former, pristine self, but now, almost 14 years later, reports indicate that he has finally succeeded.

“Way back, before the year 2000, almost 80% of all the land in the country, be it woodland, savannah scrub, forested areas or low-lying grasslands, was ripped up and ruined with all kinds of colonial, imperialist foodstuffs like maize, cotton, wheat, tobacco, beans, barley, sorghum, vegetables and other such capitalistic cash crops,” said lead researcher for the 2014 study, Kay Vemaan. “In contrast, only very limited portions of the natural and beautiful Zimbabwean terrain was left untouched in its magnificent, original glory.”

The study, which was titled “Restoring the Balance: an insight into Mugabe’s Wild Lands Transformation Program”, now indicates that the vast majority of these former so-called “farms” are now breath-taking natural heritage sites that are finally indicative of the wild, untamed Zimbabwe of yesteryear.

“Where there were once eye-sore barns, packaging houses, and expansive populated villages, the ceaseless pressure of time and nature has brought back the overgrown vegetation and wild grandeur that defined these places.”

Mugabe’s plan, which in around 2006 went into Phase Two, tackling the problem of urban infringement and civil society’s poisonous, depreciative effect on Mother Nature’s boundless beauty, has also succeeded in breaking down the toxic stains of human civilisation.

“Once, this place used to be marred and ruined by so-called 'progressive' things like ‘running water’, ‘electricity’, ‘employment’ and ‘civil peace’,” said one Zimbabwean man gesturing to an empty dark expanse once known as a “Harare”. “But now, nature has taken back her rightful throne: the nights are dark, water only flows in rivers – as God intended – and the savage unpredictability of the wilderness rules once more.”

It wasn’t easy, said the presidential pioneer of this movement – who agreed to speak to reporters as long as we didn’t call him a prick or a douchebag or an arsehole or a moron of incomparable magnitude or a blithering imbecile or a festering rectal worm that brings only death and leaves only the dire, horrifying stain of embittered, fractured lives in a society gone wrong.

“There was a lot of protest by people who didn’t understand my vision of restoring the Great Zimbabwean kingdom of 1342,” he said, reclining on a sofa of human skin and money. “We had huge riots. Yes, we might have some dark spots in history where we resorted to violence to work towards our goals, but looking at all we’ve achieved in the last decade-and-a-bit, I wouldn’t change anything – and that’s not because I’m God incarnate with endless power and wealth. It’s because I’m humble.”

The program, which finally won its key battles over those last staunch bastions of human resistance, so-called “International Law” and “Basic Human Rights” in mid-2008, is already being applauded by other countries.

“It’s magnificent, his stunning accomplishment,” said President Jacob Zuma. “Sure, me and my forebear did our best to help the vision with our exemplary support and diplomatic complicity, but I can only dream that maybe, sometime in my next inevitable three or four terms as president, that I can achieve a tiny fraction of what he’s done.”

There is much work to be done, he says.

“We’ve made a lot of progress in the last couple of years, what with things like Marikana, Grahamstown water shortages and a ruinous political agenda that breaks down the delivery of basic services and rights like access to water and freedom of speech in favour of nepotism, cronyism and tender kick-backs,” he said, “but when I look at our media, our Supreme Courts and the extensive intelligentsia of our once-beautiful country, I see that my work is only just beginning.”

pics: Wikimedia commons