We need Free Education now - or we are all screwed

The Issue of Free Education has swept like a blaze - both literally and figuratively - across our nation's campuses. Citing the high cost of education in South Africa, students have taken to the streets with placards to demand that universities be open and free - but these protests often spark riotous outburst, shocking violence, and massive damage to our tertiary institutes. Here, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen puts forward a powerful and unconventional argument in favour of delivering every single one of the protesters demands. We think you'll agree.

The past few months on South African campuses have been tumultuous indeed. From Wits and UKZN to Rhodes and UCT, students have flocked en masse to the streets and lecture halls, demanding one simple thing: Free Education.

And yet, many of you (my Dear Readers) are vehemently opposed to this! You flock to social media and huddle in your racist echo chambers muttering trite things about the economy and having meaningless discussions about things as trivial as “long-term sustainability”, “limited funding” and “where the hell is this massive amount of money going to come from?”

However, my dear friends, I believe that there is a very powerful case to be made for universal, free and open tertiary education. It’s not even a case of “can we even do it without destroying our economy”; it’s a case of we must do it ASAP.

Not to address the historical inequalities of our country or deliver on the vague promises of ’94, ’07, ’09 and ’13. Not to restore dignity and parity and to give the poorest an opportunity to improve their lives. And no, not even to create an educated, progressive society that will one day contribute heavily in graduation tax and higher personal taxes (à la Denmark et Germany et Sweden et al) to others who want to benefit from the same free education they did.

No. We need to give them free education because, if we don’t, we are all fucked.

Ask yourself, which is more important: not having to pay an extra 15% tax in your business and personal declarations, or bringing enlightenment and critical thinking to someone who has such a puerile, myopic understanding of the economy, budgetary limitations, and finances?

How can you look at campuses - at the burning Jammie buses, the torched buses at Wits, the charred husks of cars at UKZN – and not see that these people need to read a fucking book as quickly as possible? How can you stand there and watch works of art being piled up and incinerated at UCT, read reports of staff, admin and VCs being harassed and held hostage, and browse photos of law libraries, coffee shops, theatres, and IT buildings being burned to the ground, and not realise that we need to get some fucking knowledge into their brains as soon as is humanly feasible?

How do you – Dear Reader – sit there in your mansions of privilege and greed watching Youtube videos showing protestors expelling parents and stakeholders from meetings because of their race - and NOT recognise the need for free, great education for these screaming buffoons?

Time and time again, illegal, illogical or infeasible demands are made by protestors, asking for free food and accommodation, asking that we abandon Western scientific disciplines, or demanding university staff be forced to donate their salaries or that landlords be forced to rent out their properties at a controlled amount, and you want to remain totally blind to the desperate need this country has for education?

How can you sit there on social media, scrolling past the contempt for and silencing of student media on campuses, the pages and pages of cult-like misinformation, propaganda, fear-mongering and hateful paranoia, not once think “I should be there, on the frontline, fighting to get these kids into the best classroom in the world!”?

Of course, it’s so, so easy for you to retort, “But where will the money come from?” This just shows you all the propaganda you’ve been swallowing.

This protest is being led by some of the finest financial and economic minds of our time. There are hundreds of MA and PhD students in those masses, making informed, rational suggestions. Since day one, there has been a clear and reasonable plan to show where all the billions of rand a year will come from – you just haven’t read it because you’re a racist.

Firstly, we’ll increase taxes by 15%. You know, above the tax increments already outlined in the National Budget '17/'18. It’s not like businesses will respond to this by putting up their prices of basic goods and services, thus negating the increases.

We’ll double the National Budget spending on education, up all the way to 100%. The national budget only pays for stupid things anyway, like the military. It’s not as if our national coffers are put towards Public healthcare, grants and welfare, or social services.

Besides this, we’ve all seen the damning financial documents from Rhodes. Not only will providing free internet, free food, free transport, free accommodation, a team of hundreds of admin staff and lecturers, and access to international academic platforms and libraries cost absolutely nothing, but all universities have literally trillions of Rands just lying around.

In any case, you have to ask yourself this frightening thought: what happens if we don’t give them the education they want so badly?

With just a shitty Matric and no other meaningful qualifications (coupled with irrationality and anger) they could easily become a policeman, or a Member of Parliament, or hell, the next President of South Africa. If you think they’re dangerous and destructive now, just imagine them with powers of law, or control over the financial reserves, or responsibility for the running of the country!!!

Next time you’re about to criticise this student movement, just take a moment to look across that crowd and ask yourself: “Do I want one of these people to be the next Hlaudi, the next Motshekga, the next Bheki Cele, or – god forbid – another Jacob Zuma?!”.

We need free education now, or we are all screwed.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

University celebrates Internationalism, Multiculturalism with diverse array of stereotypes

Saying they wanted to celebrate the rich and varied heritages of their students both local and international, lecturers and staff at an area University this week celebrated the diverse and fascinating heritages of their campus using a wide and colourful range of stereotypes and cultural oversimplifications.

“We all know that national identities are at their core monolithic and static entities,” said event organiser Carrie Kature, “so what better way to celebrate our wide and diverse collection of peoples, cultural heritages and traditional backgrounds than through a series of reductive representations of complex cultures, such as cliché meals, national dresses out of a 50’s NatGeo mag, and flags?”

And students could not be happier.

“Itsa true-a! They’ra a-celebrayting-a la diversity!” said Italian exchange student and third-year Guido Linguini, working his way through a bowl of pasta while kissing his fingertips. “Eetza so grayta!”

Other students agree.

“Zis ‘is ze faanest way to zelebrate ze rish culture of ma favorit quantree, le France!,” said French postgraduate student Ommelay Du Fromage, munching a croquet-monsiquer and tilting his beret. “I weesh zat all ze kantreez kud zelebrate la culture comme ca!”

The University is already hard at work preparing for its next celebration, South Africa’s heritage day.

We’re really looking forward to Heritage Day,” said the Uni. "So we can celebrate our country's turbulent history and wide array of tribes and peoples by charring some fillet and vors."

"Dream of free education finally realised” says protester standing in university ruins

Astounding student victory celebrations light up radioactive crater where university halls and lecture venues once stood

Celebrations are rocking the UCT ruins today, after protesters and students announced the realisation of their dream of free university education for all. According to eyewitnesses on the ground, protesters have been flocking to the desolate lecture buildings and art-stripped residences to celebrate the stunning achievement.

“Finally we will get the education we all fought so hard for,’ said one student speaking from the crumbled smoking ruins of the UCT admin building. “Once upon a time, these halls teemed with students who paid to receive one of the finest educations in the entire continent. Those days are over.”

The student, 19-year-old sociology major Ray Kingball, explained why this single goal was so important.

“Accessible education is something everyone needs,” he explained. “There is nothing we wouldn’t do in our campus protests to realise that dream. Torch busses; demolish the residences; hell, even burn down the library: that’s how serious we are about winning this fight for a quality education for all and a better tomorrow.”

And despite public outcry over their methods, student protest leaders have echoed Kingball’s sentiments.

“Some people say ‘but don't the destruction of valuable resources and infrastructure and the defacement of buildings actively contribute to the already awful education crisis in South Africa’, but they don’t get it,” said student activist and bonfire enthusiast Bernadette Nophies. “Only violence solves these issues – history has shown us that Martin Luther King and Mandela had to destroy everything and enact daily acts of aggression and violence to enact sweeping changes to their country’s oppressive systems.”

“I mean, how could anyone forget the 80s and 90s when all those gay people tore down crosses, burn bibles by the dozen and torched churches so that they could have equal access to marriage?”

“We will not stand this oppressive violent system anymore,” she said, tossing a petrol bomb into the Vice Chancellor’s office. “Violence should be destroyed with extreme prejudice.”

Despite yearly cuts to funding and subsidies, as well as government pressure sto continue yearly growth at 10% per annum, VC’s and university officials are assureing students that the money situation should not even be thought of.

“Yes, everyone’s asking how we’ll ever be able to pay for journal subscriptions, upkeep and maintenance, proposed expansions to meet growing student numbers, wages and salaries for staff and lecturers, and still also give out research grants, bursaries and scholarship opportunities as well as financial assistance, but students shouldn’t worry,” said the new VC in charge, Eric Sanders. “We’ve heaped some fertilizer onto the campus money tree, and the campus money printing press has had its dial turned up to 11, so it should all be good.”

Students have gathered at the Main Admin Block (pictured)
to celebrate their stunning achievement. 

However, students remain opposed to the movement.

“Violence is laaike never the answer, charna,” said TUKS BA Fingerpainting student and rugby spectator Ekvil Moerem, “It doesn’t matter if it’s educations, or paintings, or busts of historically progressive figures – you know, anything what isn’t rugby. What they need to learn is that Nothing will ever be resolved by devolving into violence and destruction.”

And it’s a lesson Moerem believes they will learn.

“Even if we – or the police – need to beat that lesson into them.”

Student voter torn between best friend, guy with nice poster

Uncertainty reigns today, after a student voter is unsure whether to cast his vote for Student President in favour of his best friend, or the guy with an awesome poster and unlimited printing credit.

According to sources close to the 21-year-old BSC student James Sullivan, the decision is a tough one.

“On the one hand, Brad is my best mate,” said the unnamed insider, “and in such important decisions that effect the entire student body you're kinda obliged to vote for your friends. Hell, voting your best mates into the presidency has been a tradition that stretches back hundreds of years.”

“But on the other hand, the other guy [Presidential Candidate Eric Ramalack] has such an awesome poster. I mean, he’s wearing a suit, he’s looking tough and serious, and it’s covered in words like ‘transformation’, ’accountability’, ‘transparency’ and ‘responsibility’. You take one look at that badboy and it becomes immediately clear how qualified and experienced he is, and how he is the ideal candidate for the job.”

As can clearly be seen, this candidate possesses all the
skills necessary to bring about excellent
student governance.

Sullivan himself has expressed guilt and frustration.

“This is a momentous decision of incredibly huge ramifications that will affect not just me, but the entire student body,” he said. “If I don’t pick Brad, then that means every time he buys me a beer or lends me his psych notes or agrees to sign the attendance register at History and Appreciation of Music, I’ll feel awful.”

“But if I pick Eric, then I won’t be able to have an inside man to organise the artists and bands that I want to see performing at the Great Field Party or [the] Tri-Var[sity Tournament],” he said. “I mean, I’ve never looked into what the SRC do, but that’s obviously the only thing they ever do during the entire year. So yeah.”

However, Student Political analysts say there is still time for an underdog candidate to snatch the presidency away from these favourites.

“We’ve got some really strong candidates for student leadership this year, with all the qualities you’d want in someone in charge of nearly 8000 students,” said Politics editor of campus newspaper Coppie-Paste, Karl Styabalots. “Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if the hot blonde chick in the short black dress takes it, or even the guy in first year who says ‘my comrades’ and ‘chief’ a lot.”

Whatever Sullivan’s decision, one thing is clear.

“I’m definitely not voting for that guy in fourth year who has had two years’ experience in the SRC,” he scoffed. “I mean, all he’s saying is shit like ‘work on realistic goals, like fighting for lower fees and a better DP return rate’; He’s not even campaigning for better res food, vending machines on campus, or even a shuttle service up the hill. Why anyone would ever want that guy in charge just defies logic.”

Alumnus pleased to see uni debate “still as divisive, toxic as ever”

“Some things never change,” says 25-year-old with a smile as she scans the university’s Facebook page

Rhodes University alumni are pleased today, after a brief perusal of the university’s Facebook page confirmed it still contained all the vitriol, ad hominem comments and logical fallacies that hundreds of ex-Rhodents grew so accustomed to in their time at Rhodes.

According to 25-year-old Financial Analyst Jeanine Dee – just one of hundreds of students who attended Rhodes University and is glad to see the continuation of such a beloved ritual – it’s like she never left.

“I’m glad that not much has changed,” she said. “I mean, when you look at the majority of the posts, there are still a lot of people and many students who use weasel wording, among many other rhetorical fallacies.”

“And it’s not just that: I see spelling mistakes, ALL-CAPS arguments, a lack of critical thinking that fails to take into account the nuances of these complex debates, and even people just outright saying ‘oh, you’re clearly irrational and stupid, there’s no point in arguing with you’,” she said. “I’m just glad to see that a university education is still producing such excellent and thought-provoking discourse.”

And it doesn’t end there.

“There’s also that lack of a sense of humour that was so frequent in our flame-wars,” she said. “I remember when I was second year and I said ‘guys, just chill’ and then posted a meme making fun of the whole silly furore. Now, just like back then, I see people still tell these calm heads to ‘GTFO’ and explain in great detail why their attitude and comment is ‘so problematic’. I’m just glad that there’s still that good old vituperative mud-slinging that made me unsubscribe from the page all those years ago.”

However, some alumni say that it’s “so much more than it was in our time” and that this new wave of debate has “taken things to a new level”.

“Back in my day, I was never told by someone making a controversial assertion that ‘it’s not their job to educate you’, or even that I ‘should go do my bloody reading’ without providing a link or idea what these readings may be,” said 27-year-old MSocSci graduate Erin Jackson. “I don’t know why we didn’t see it before; it makes total sense. After all, they’re the ones making the argument. Why should the burden of proof be on them?”

Despite this heaped praise, the current student body has discounted the alumni’s response, saying that it’s “invalid”.

“We’re not saying that current membership to an in-group is an obligatory prerequisite to taking part in such controversial topics that affect not just our university or even our whole nation, but many many, many universities and nations across the globe...” said SRC Social Media Councillor Ray Sandgenda.

“... but seriously, do you even go here?”

Racist universities must fall, says third-year protester with late assignments

Defiant and committed: young Jason Eames is taking a stand
against racist universities and their oppressive
hand-in schedules.

Citing the gross injustices meted out against his fellow students, exorbitant university price hikes that will make it increasingly difficult for financially unstable students to afford study, and that economics tutorial assignment that he just didn’t have time to finish last weekend, a student protester has taken a defiant stance against “racist, oppressive universities”.

The brave and defiant young Jason Eames, who also didn’t finish his Accounting 3 term essay that is due at 4pm this afternoon, said that extreme actions such as tyre burning and blockading roads were entirely necessary “to raise awareness and get the university’s attention and also maybe an extension”.

“This isn’t about you or me or even that tut assignment on fiscal policy that we had to hand in at 8am this morning – this is about equality,” said Eames at a press conference at the pool. “We have to do what needs to be done: shut down the university. If we do nothing now, then what will our children say to us ten years’ time, or my economics tutor on Thursday morning when I pitch up and haven’t done any of the prepared readings or written responses?”

He went on to add that “Jesus, but I’m hanging hard” and that “no ways I’m flippen going to lectures today”.

And despite widespread anger and frustration at the night-long protest and disruptive protest action, student political analysts say the timing of the protest could not be better.

“Yes, there is a planned price hike for next year,” said politics editor for campus newspaper Actstoolate, Jeremy Poltoo, “but also my ComSci prac exam is in two weeks and I’m basically fucked. If this screws up test schedules and shifts SWOT week a couple of days, then it will all have been worth it. When we wake up in a more equal, just society where I don’t have to hand in that assignment I was never going to do anyway, will anyone of us care that we couldn’t sleep all night?”

Vocal critics of the protest must, says Polltoo, remember that this protest is aimed at helping all students.

“Some might say that I’m hijacking an important national debate for my own selfish agenda, or that I’m bandwagoning on others’ difficulties and struggles,” he said. “But to those idiots I say ‘you’re ignorant, you haven’t done your readings’. I mean, neither have I, but basically you should be thanking me for giving us a day or three to catch up.”

And students are showing their support.

“I think it’s great,” said Jessica Wyt-Teers. “It’s nice to see so much free parking space on campus for once; and having another Facebook topic that will quickly devolve into race-based mud-slinging is always a plus."

Others, however, are not so supportive.

”This whole thing is bloody ridiculous,” said one second-year. “These guys kept me awake all night, brought the university to its knees and faced potentially dangerous riot police, and for what? Lowered university fees? More reasonable terms and payment options on the Minimum Initial Payment? A more affordable education? I mean, who the hell do these inconsiderate protester pricks think they are?”

Black people can't be racist, and other UCT scandals

It’s been a while, but Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen is back – and this time, he’s not pulling any punches. On his hit list today: the UCT political rhetoric around racism after the successful removal of the Rhodes Statue.

My dear friends, it’s been a while. Since my last exposé on the Rhodes Statue, much has happened that has probably left you dazed and confused, like a Woolworth’s shopper trying to choose between two equally expensive packets of low-GI bread. So, without further ado, let me dive right into the muck to find the gems of truth we all desire so very much.

UCT students want black only spaces

A while back I spluttered on my morning coffee and melkbeskuit when I read about UCT students hosting a black-only closed event for law students in Kramer at UCT.

But actually, this is a good thing. We need closed spaces that are safe for us to discuss one immovable, unrefuted idea with people who only agree with us. In university, it is important that we give as much a safe space and respect as possible on campus for university students to share one idea in tight-knit, polarized groups.

But this just isn’t enough. How can we expect black students at UCT to feel truly safe to express themselves if there are still so many places where the hateful colonial history and embedded, oppressive culture of white privilege inflict daily mental violence? We need more safe spaces: Black-only residences; Black-only courses; and Black-only bathrooms.

Of course, this move is clearly not intended to divide the students at UCT, no! This is progress though separate unity. However, we live in an equal, egalitarian society – one in which we cannot discriminate against anyone because of the colour of their skin, sex or gender (we’ll get to our awful, anti-progressive Constitution in a bit). So we’ll need to be fair and make white-only discussion spaces for them to talk about being oppressive hatelords. We’ll need coloured-only spaces for coloured people to talk about the difficulties of being caught at the halfway house in system that only recognises binaries of white and black. Then, as is fair and just, we’ll need to make larger spaces for them to feel truly safe – white only residences, coloured only classrooms, international student only cafeterias, where they can eat without having to feel South Africa’s ingrained and xenophobic mentality of ultranationalism.

UCT students claim blacks can’t be racist; whites can’t experience racism

However, this amazing student organisation went one step further and finally proved what I’ve always wanted to say: that racism is not a two-way street and that anti-white racism doesn’t exist.

“But Johan!” I hear you shout in vituperative, frothing rage. “that’s impossible! Racism is the belief in superiority or inferiority based on different skin colour!” And yes, that’s what it may look like – but you’re wrong. Racism of course has nothing to do with race – it’s about power.

You might feel uncomfortable with someone calling you “a fucking stupid white honkey” and “kill the boer” and even “you bloody white bitch, go back to Zimbabwe” – but this isn’t racism.

The author of this statement is right: racism is about the expression of power. However, I would like to take his logic one step further and say that nobody – especially white people – can be racist. After all, racism is tied to the expression of power, is it not? And power – and the author misses this point – comes in lots of different forms. We have financial power. We have power of capital. We have the power that comes with social position or privilege. And we have power that comes from Eskom.

So, if you are a poor, homeless white person who cannot get a job and will in all likelihood die in the streets, you cannot be racist when you call someone a black baboon because you have no power.

If you are really broke and get kicked out of university because your parents can’t afford it, this means you lack academic, social and capital power. So if you get drunk and vent on Facebook like that oke at Cape Peninsula University of Technology in 2012, it can’t be racist.

And when I’m sitting at home and the light go out, well that’s an inequality in the power relations between me and Eskom. So when if I (underpaid guest writer who still hasn’t gotten a wage increase - Ed’s note: nice try, bro) loudly exclaim that Tshediso Matona (millionaire black CEO of the state provider) is a useless braindead chimpanzee, it can’t be racism.

While black people may be offended or be made to feel uncomfortable, in this case, they cannot experience racism. Like the esteemed author said “racism and power cannot be divorced from one another” – and just by playing with one or two words, we can clearly see how this drastically affects this global, human phenomenon.

I wish I could explore this topic more and prove to you why foreigners can’t experience xenophobia and that South Africans can’t be xenophobic, but I have a word limit to consider. Perhaps next time.

The Constitution “violently preserves the status quo”

I’m going on a bit here, so I’ll keep it short: I agree.

That widely reviled and hateful document, which was brought into effect in 1994 with the transition to democracy, is a pestilence on our people and a plague on our civilisation. It claims to uphold and enshrine the most fundamental and basic rights every human deserves, like freedom from discrimination, a right to education, the right to safety, the right to human dignity, the right to vote, but these are just a clever disguise for its evil-sowing, hatemongering lies.

It’s so called rights are the reason we are living in this modern dystopia. The right to vote got us Jacob Zuma. This violently preserves the status quo of a country where we suffer daily corruption and theft.

What about the so-called “right to education” – look at all the idiots I’m surrounded by. Having basic education made them this way. Without it, they would be here, saying dumb things at my hard-earned tax dollars. And the freedom of assembly to picket and protest? This is the reason we have so many violent, street-trashing, poo-flinging protests. If we could tear up this document, we’d never have another violent march again.

Let’s not even talk about the Freedom of speech – people can just say whatever they want and are allowed to disagree with you. It makes me sick that we live in a society where people are allowed to say what they want, or even write these Protest organisation releases that make us so angry in the first place. If we could get rid of the Constitution, I'm sure South Africa would be restored to its rightless former glory or peace and prosperity. You remember those days, don't you?

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Drug dealers to hire white Uni students as quality control

Following the widespread crackdown on low-quality or ‘cut’ narcotics, drug lords are working with white university students to launch a new joint campaign today, aimed at inspiring faith in the minds of their customer basis.

These white university students will reportedly work as quality control personnel, so as to combat the rising lack of trust by buyers and reassure loyal customers that they're getting "the good shit".

“When you think of a lot of the controversies we face – like with other unethical dealers selling coke cut with flour, or meth cut with powdered glass, or even selling aspirin and calling it X – we just don’t want to be branded with the same iron,” said 39-year-old marijuana dealer and lecturer of Ethnic Musicology Aaron Winters. “So how can we reassure our buyers that this really is some good shit? Well, the answer is simple: white university students.”

Research has indicated that many white university students – especially those who wear obscene amounts of red, green and yellow and listen to “real music, not that fake sellout shallow radio pop” – are veritable weed quality bloodhounds, able to tell if a weed is strong or good, often with just one sniff. And students agree.

“Man, I remember this one time I had a friend over to do the weed, and he just opened the bag and said, ‘oh yeah dude, this is some really good stuff’,” said 23-year-old university student Jake Henderson. “I’m really glad he was there. I know he isn’t a legally qualified chemical analyst and that he doesn’t have the decades’ long experience in trying various kinds, brands and strengths of Maria Jay necessary to make such a judgement, but without him, I probably wouldn’t even gotten high when we injected the chronic into our arms.”

The dealer-certified Post Grad student in Philosophy of Art was reportedly on top form, and upon opening the small bank baggie immediately remarked “oh man this smells good”, “yeah this is some good stuff you can definitely smell it”, “so cheesy” and “god I wanna live in here”, before commenting that the contents were “not too harsh, but not too sweet” and “would probably give you like a really mellow high”.

“Oh, I’ve faced my fair share of scepticism,” said the quality control expert, 24-year-old Bradley Jeff Johnson. “A lot of people will say ‘you’re just saying that to make people feel obliged to share the spliff’ and ‘oh, tell us again how you’re the Heston Blumental of Skunk’, but they go quiet when I inform them that I own an acoustic guitar and am in the process of getting sick dreads. Sure, lots of people say that these aren’t really indications, but then they shut up completely when they realise I take Ethic Music Studies and African History as majors, play up to 2 hours of Hacky Sack a day, have an extensive vinyl collection of Bob Marley albums, and punctuate every sentence with ‘chill’ and ‘mellow vibe’.”

He added that he reads, like, several weed websites and regularly hands out fliers to people to show people the truth about this misunderstood plant.

The reaction has so far been positive.

“We’re really seeing some great feedback,” said Winters. “When it comes to weed, we’ve learned that white university students are like patchy-bearded white hipsters talking about 'real' photography, or old white guys sniffing a glass of wine with a ponderous, thoughtful expression glinting in their slightly-squinting, into-the-distance-peering eyes telling us which wines are good.”

Third-year student is “totally screwed”

Friends, family and university peers of third-year BCom student Jake Henderson told reporters at Muse and Abuse yesterday that he is “totally screwed” for the upcoming exams.

According to those he loves most and the girl whose notes he begs for every Tuesday because he didn’t’ go to the Monday lecture, the 21-year-old Accounting and Theory of Finance major, who started studying for his June exams last night, is not prepared at all.

“It would be funny, if it wasn’t so desperately sad,” said Intha Frendzhone, without whose notes half of the Accounts 3 class would be homeless and DPless.

Henderson, however, has denied these allegations.

“Bru, like, I’ve been busy, okay? That fist isn’t going to pump itself in Friar’s, and you know how they say ‘all work and no play makes Jake a dull boy’,” he said. “Now can you get that microphone out of my face? I’ve got books that need reading.”

Early indications have suggested that Jake has started the long journey of catching up on twenty readings – a feat that is akin to the government promising textbooks to schoolkids: it’s a nice thought, and he’s supposed to be able to do it in time, but it’s not going to happen.

Study experts agree.

“He’ll probably work all night, fueling his study-determined state with endless cans of Redbull and black market Ritalin,” said study expert and misguidance analyst Hugh Ahreffed.

Ahreffed went on to say that this 16-hour marathon might help him in terms of confidence only. “He’ll go into the exam feeling confident and prepared, if a little tired,” he said. However, this would be short-lived.

“His first mistake will be asking friends and colleagues how much they studied and if they’re ready. They’ll give a worried smile, and then talk in depth about how they didn’t understand the first three modules, but are really hoping that McHenderson, 1981, Jeffries, 1993, and Thompson, 2002, appear in the exam.”

This specificity, Ahreffed said, will set up a chain reaction of doubt. “He’ll smile, but inside he’ll be like, ‘who the fuck is Jeff… Jefferson?’”.

This will only worsen as time goes on.

“His heart rate will probably increase, and his palms will go sweaty, and he’ll start to suspect he should have started studying three weeks ago. There will be a resurgence of hope when the papers are handed out and Father Time tells them that they if they don’t have ID, they will attempt to identify them via the university facebook, but this will fade when they announce 10 minutes reading time,” said Ahreffed.

The exam, to anyone watching, would be brutal.

“He’ll write some half-hearted stuff, bullshit his way through essay two, fall asleep during essay three, wake up and panic, and then finally throw down his pen in frustration, and then sit there in a kind of braindead trance,” he said.

According to Ahreffed, this is where it will become most interesting.

“He’ll go through motions of depression, and then, as the end of the session approaches, will find it sickeningly funny. Upon walking out Barrat, he’ll even laugh about it, saying the exam ‘raped’ him. As if rape or failure is the highest form of comedy.”

Other friends, however, have suggested that Jake is not as screwed as the media is making him out to be.

“He’ll be fine,' said equally screwed Dhoz Noahwerk. "That oke can talk SHIT, and there’s always a chance that he’ll get a script marker who hates his life and just wants it all to be over and gives J-boy a vacillator’s mark.”

Jesus, to whom Jake has been praying every night, could not be reached for comment.

Gangsters protest school dropouts

Reacting to what it has called “an unfair, hurtful and biased knee-jerk response”, the notorious 28s gang of Cape Town has today protested against the terrible state of education in South Africa, calling on all 12-to-18-year-olds to stay in school and complete their education.

“We have a terrible rep’ in the media,” said 28s gang leader Slevin Tymsfore. “All these community members are attacking us, saying kids are dropping out to join us and that we’re destroying children, their future and our communities. But ask yourself – who the hell would want a kid with no Matric working for them?”

He explained in more depth, pointing out that the Numbers gangs have always had huge respect for education, and that no person in their right mind would trust any simple task in the high-risk crime world to someone with what is not even a minimalist qualification

“Think about it: we run multimillion rand smuggling, drug and racketeering operations. There is no margin for error, no room for mistakes. If someone can’t finish a Matric Maths exam and can barely scratch by in Maths Lit, how can we trust them to count out our blood money, or work out how much flour and talcum powder to cut into the cocaine and heroin?”

"Besides," he added, "you can see what no Matric does to a country. Those okes are right: it's blerrie going to the blerrie dogs, man."

Experts have since agreed wholeheartedly with the gangs’ statements.

“If we look at gang culture, most people would think they’re a bunch of uneducated psychopaths with massive drug addictions and their shorts five inches too low,” said Head of the Anthropology Department at the University of Cape Town, Di Aspora. “But really, you would actually need tertiary education to succeed in this lifestyle. You need a master’s level understanding of economics to understand the fluctuations of supply and demand and how international drug busts and police action affect product quality, supply and price; you need sociology to know how the groupings work and who not to ‘diss’; you need physics and anatomy to know where to shoot a guy to kill him instead of making another 50 Cent; and you need language and linguistics to be able to understand exactly which words to use to describe how much of a trippin’ skank-ass bitch that nasty trick hoe is.”

In light of this controversy, the Department of Education has announced plans to “modernise and reboot” exams to be more culturally and socially relevant.

“Look at the old exams: ‘if John has R128 and apples cost R8, Oranges cost R12 and bananas cost R4, what is the optimum ratio of fruit he can get to maximise his expenditure?’ I mean, who the hell ever thinks like that in a shop?” said Head of the DOE Noah Bhooks. “This makes far more sense: ‘Those motherfuckin’ balla tricks from the 26s have cut in on your turf. If a dime of coke sells R800, and you and your 7 homies can move 5 keys a week, and an illegal assault rifle costs R3000 with bullets at R4 a pop, how many days of dope pushing will it take to make back your losses AND clean out your tuft of those bitch-ass punks, assuming they are undercutting you at R600 a dime and that it takes a full mag to cut down each of the 42 invading foo’s?’”

Teachers and community leaders everywhere have praised the move.

”Lots of people attack and undermine what studying to be a gangster, saying it’s easy and a waste of time,” said local resident Jerry Hatrick. “Kinda like a BA. However, at least with this, my kid will make lots of money instead of being perpetually broke, have excellent employment opportunities and great upward mobility, and sell drugs instead of taking them at trance parties to ‘experiment and gain a deeper understanding of the human condition.’”

However, the DOE was quick to reassure those without a Matric or formal education who still want to be a part of an organised crime syndicate that they can still apply for a position in the Cabinet of Ministers or their local municipality.

Schools ban "racist, classist" Chess

It has been a fantastic day for equal rights, after schools around the world announced their decision to finally ban the overtly racist and classist piece of offensive intolerance disguised as a board game, Chess.

“Just look at the game,” said Headmaster of Checkerton High School, Chek Mayt, “It’s all about kings and queens forcing the poor proletariat pawns around a board, and about whites fighting blacks to control a limited bit of territory. We’re just glad we can finally throw this Nazi-esque piece of crude pro-supremacy propaganda in the bin.”

Chess, as we all know, was invented by 1623 by Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin, who came up with the concept after realising how charred or polished bones of innocent men and women could each be carved into different little figurines for use in board games aimed at whiling away the quiet moments between public executions. Chess was preceded by the far more bigoted Backgammon (a word which derives from the Old Latin, Bacchus Gammonius, meaning “slaughter of innocents”) which involved impaling white and black pieces on different colour spikes, with the winner being the one who can get rid of their particular ethic group the fastest.

Mayt is just one of many Education professionals who stand by the new ban. He added that what made the game even more like a mini Apartheid was how some pieces, like the Bishop, are forced to always remain on their specific coloured area.

“What are we trying to teach our kids? That we are all just expendable, exploited pieces on the board of life, divided up by the colour of our skin and never allowed by society to leave our predefined roles or change our lot in life? What if a rook wants to move in an ‘L’ shape? What if a pawn wants to take a step to the side? What if a king doesn’t want to sacrifice his subjects in a pointless war that has no real purpose or reason except racial hatred and territorial disputes?”

Schools have for a number of years now been trying to slowly marginalise chess out of their hallways through covert operations, but they say that it has not yet proven successful, and that there was finally no other choice than drastic action.

“We used to pay kids to beat up the smaller kids who played this game between AP Maths and Advance Chemistry, calling them ‘nerds’ and ‘dorks’ in the hopes that they would bow to peer pressure and social norms and give up the game, but it’s still played today,” said Mayt. “Extreme measures are necessary. If we want to teach our kids tolerance and acceptance, we have to ban this game and condemn anyone who plays it.”

Some theorists are now trying to work on a “more tolerant, less ethnically charged version” of the game, but say they have encountered some difficulties.

“We first tried to fix it by changing the colours of the pieces, but even this has proven not enough. We tried yellow and red, but now it just looks like we’re trying to portray Asian and Indian ethnic cleansing.” In spite of these difficulties, these hard-working men and women say they are optimistic that they are on the verge of a “much better game”.

“We’re making a new version in which every piece is a mutli-coloured rainbow pawn – so that we’re all equal and racially sensitive – and a new bunch of rules in which your pieces democratically elect a King, and then you spend the rest of the game exercising passive measures instead of violence, equipping your pieces with placards, marijuana, flowers and an iconic soundtrack to stop the pointless violence of war. Sure, there isn’t a winner or loser, and it’s not at all fun – but isn’t that the best way to teach kids the basic lessons of life?”

The game goes on sale next week, alongside the new anti-capitalist version of a popular board game, Marx-nopoly, in which players equally distribute land and spread their Pass-Go-Collect-200-Dollars income evenly among the masses.

New Rhodes campus newspaper causes stir

The boring campus news scene got an injection of fresh blood and excitement last week, after a bunch of first years who do journalism kind of put their heads together and worked long, frustrating hours to increase the number of student-driven publications that all students can ignore or make fun of by one.

The hotly-debated newspaper, which has been lovingly dubbed “the Regressive”, has been described by many students as “an exciting paper” that “gets the stories we want to read, with all those juicy, saucy details you never see in other newspapers”.

“We just love it,” said one student who got all the way to the second page of the newspaper, a campus record. “Most other papers just concentrate on water crises or boring student stuff and miss out on the important issues. Also, it doesn’t have lots of boring, distracting pictures to draw your eyes away from the insightful, cutting-edge news analysis and commentary. One picture per page and a whole A3 of five-column, font-size-12 text: just what newsreaders love to pieces!”

pic: Flickr.com, Saaleha Bamjee,
https://www.flickr.com/photos/saaleha/6871692605/

The newspaper has since been lauded by Journalism and Media Studies lecturers at the Africa Media Matrix journalism school as “the controversial pioneer of a new kind of post-traditional journalism.”

“Most other newspapers tend to lose traction in hard-hitting reportage because they abide by so-called and overrated ‘news values’ and ‘journalistic integrity’, which stem from the dark ages of print publications and are still around even today,” said the paper’s editor Cherr Nalism. “They use too-fancy typography and too many pictures, which really takes away from the deeper intricacies of the stories and the hidden facts that are crucial to their reportage, like what a murder victim’s two-year old son looks like and what his name is, or why that guy from UCT was entirely justified in committing acts of violence against other people, male or female.”

Nalism added that they wanted to steer away from “media churn fodder” that is “overreported and soulless” and instead focus on the critical and localised grassroots issues that affect the Grahamstonian and Rhodent.

“Our media and the international media tend to overbloat and homogenise content to just one or two stories with no real creativity or importance,” said Nalism. “But we bring to you deeper coverage of the really important stuff that isn’t all over the news every damn day. Things like the little-known and entirely relevant Oscar Pistorius murder trial, or one particular person’s opinion on how Hip Hop is dead.”

Quality, Nalism says, is also very important.

”Things like spelling and grammar just make for a credible, good paper,” he said. “if you read ours, you won’t find a single word misspeled mispelt misspelt misspelted you won’t find a single word done in a spelling that is incorrect.”

The newspaper also carries a depth of political insight and commentary that is rivalled only by established and lauded Political Science reference works, like See Spot Run or the world-famous International Politics analysis The Faraway Tree by Blyton, E et al.

The campus publication is now set to go into its second issue, and already it is making a dent in other papers’ readerships.

One such newspaper that is already feeling the brunt of this new and superior form of Journalism for Public Interestingness is the famous and established Coppie-Paste, which has been run by smug self-loving writers since making fun of your grammar was cool.

“Coppie-Paste is by now familiar to all students on campus, because of its bold and unique brand colour choice,” said student media historian Karl Bondaytin . “Not many know this, but originally they chose the colour to represent both their editorial team and their popularity on campus: it’s mostly white and only partially read.”

Many students, however, who definitely are not me and who definitely did NOT work there for four years and are certainly not biased in favour of it, defended the paper as “still the best campus newspaper”, which is kind of like deciding which brand of knife you prefer gouging your eyes out with.

The other campus contender which has felt its readership whittled down from the all-time records to just a normal readership level (from four readers to two) was the semesterly Hacked-and-Late. Though the same students in the previous paragraph say it’s “definitely more shit because reasons and my opinion”, there were many who applauded the paper’s “lesser known and wonderful qualities.”

“Every time I spill something on the floor,” said fourth-year student Jake Hardings, “every time I need put down a layer between the kitchen floor and my cat’s turds, every time I need a protective covering over glasses: who comes to my aid but those fine ladies and gentlemen at that good paper. I don’t know what I’d do without them. “

Readers wanting to check out the news in the Progressive are recommended to think about that decision whilst reading the rest of this blog.

ReMax offices flooded after hot property listing

Local ReMax rental offices and ReMax agent hotlines were swamped this morning, after news of a new property being rented out in Grahamstown hit residents’ and students’ ears, says ReMax Property CEO Lan Dalord.

Dalord told reporters this morning that thousands of potential buyers and lessors kept their phones buzzing for hours, after the rentals giant added the "cosy, one-bedroom flat" to their already large list of properties.

”The property went into our buyer’s guide as we opened shop this morning,” he said with a grin. “It was accompanied by one of our typical and standard euphemism-packed descriptions of the property, to give a rough idea to customers what we’re offering.”

This new property is described in the property listings as “Rustic and Raw, embracing the elements and the simple beauty of nature.” According to the property bio, with its open-air showers and original Italian concrete flooring the cosy, easy-to-maintain appartment is a perfect paradise for nature lovers, and an ideal home away from home for camping aficionados and fans of the Great Outdoors.

”It’s low-cost, easy to maintain, and has on-site parking. It’s got fantastic security features, such as municipal security lights that are maintained by the municipality, and has a wonderful open-plan safari-style courtyard,” said Dalord. “A very convenient space to go in and out of, it’s hassle-free and dirt-cheap. It has great foundations – it’s practically built on the city streets themselves – and carries boatloads of potential as a fixer-upper.”

The reaction from students looking to rent the property and other such lessors has been astounding, says ReMax Rental agent in charge of the dream home Celine Houwz.

”Students have been so excited,” she said. “Apparently its proximity to campus and the fact that it looks much cleaner and less full of dirt, and is much less of a dingy craphole than most other digses on offer, makes it an ideal place for those reading for their degrees.”

Students have wholeheartedly agreed.

”It’s a dirt-hole with no security features that is probably four degrees in winter and 39 degrees in summer,” said one third-year student, “which makes it better than most residences and student houses that my mates live in.”

Man sentenced to 40 years in G'town student digs

A large helping of justice was served this morning, after Judge Hugh Harsofukt sentenced 32-year-old serial killer and notorious armed robber James Steele to a life sentence in a 4-man Grahamstown student digs.

According to report by the court published last week, the singular awfulness of most student digs which house the students of Rhodes University make them ideal for the punishment and incarceration of hardened criminals who are beyond rehabilitation.

"Recent studies of these so-called 'student digs' show that usually they have more bars and locks and also worse living conditions than most maximum-security prisons," said police constable and author of the study Eric Fuller. "If we just lock the house from the outside, they'll never get out, and we'll save thousands in taxpayers' rands."

Fuller added that the fact that they had to pay exorbitant rent to live in such cramped squalor would "really suck, man."

However, the decision has not been without its share of controversy, with leading Human Rights Watch groups, organisations and activists condemning the move outright as "immoral, inhumane and draconian."

"With their water shortages and lack of quality, blackouts, dirty floors, communal bathrooms, cramped living space, sink full of unwashed dishes and that digsmate's puppy yelping and yapping all night in the other room when you're trying to get some goddamn sleep, only someone morally bankrupt and totally sadistic would hand down such a severe punishment," said head of Rights for Prisoners John Hendricks. "Even getting kicked in the balls for all eternity would be more lenient."

He went on to add that the likelihood of the inmates' milk being slowly and sneakily swigged away to nothingness was just "totally lank uncool bro".

"Besides," Hendricks added, "there's a 95% chance that the prisoner's mates will break in and set him free after taking all the laptops and stuff."

In spite of the activists' harsh criticisms, Judge Harsofukt has remained steadfastly unmoved and stands by his decision.

"The only way to teach such a heinous and despicable character that his aborrent actions have dire consequences is to force him to live in such inhuman conditions," he said. "If that means that his socks get stolen every time he does a load of washing, his communal dinner is too-salty spaghetti bolognaise every two days, and he has to suffer the montly ballache of dealing with awful landladies and the municipality water bill, so be it."

However, he did say that he would never include university residences in the sentencing procedures, citing the guy next door to your room who keeps loudly banging his girlfriend every night next door and tuesday's Braised Club Steak as "too vicious a punishment for anyone regardless of their atrocities."

"What kind of sick, twisted bastard do you think I am?"

Man admits weed truth

pic: wikimedia commons

A Cape Town man has left local pro-weed groups reeling in outrage this morning after coming out and admitting that he uses weed because it's great to get blazed on, and not because of the various socioeconomic, health, or financial reasons usually stated by pro-legalisation advocacy groups.

"I don't use it because it's a good alternative to manufacturing rope, or because it'll stop the glaucoma or cancer I definitely don't have, but because I just fucking love getting blazed in my room," said 23-year-old UCT student and part-time waiter Jonas Westen.

Westen went on to add that he mostly supported pro-weed groups because not going to jail every time he bought weed from a carguard dealer or lit up a jay would be "really sweet".

"Like, not going to jail would be awesome," he said passing a joint to gathered journalists. "Why isn't that enough?"

However, many pro-legalisation groups have condemned the student's words, saying that he is just a part of the international conspiracy to hold human society back.

"A lot of people say that we only support weed because we smoke, like, a shit load of it," said Capetown-based advocate of LEGALISE-IT, Affa Davids. "But that couldn't be any further from the truth."

Davids went on to point out why, exactly, marijuana is that wonder-crop it is.

"Hemp is a very, very important part of modern life, and is very valuable indeed," he said. "It can make really kiff rope. Like, there's a huge international government conspiracy to replace all rope bridge cables with much weaker woven tempered steel cabling, and ship rope with synthetic fibre. It's ludicrous."

"I use hemp rope and hemp cloth all the time for, like, stuff and things," said 22-year-old architect Baloo Prince, wearing a cotton and polyester blend t-shirt and demin jeans.

Westen's media stunt has also been criticised in light of a recent South African statistical study.

"Our studies have shown that almost 99% of all weed users are closet Rastafarians who are forced to display Christian, Judaic, Islamic or even atheist beliefs in public, simply because the law prevents them from freely expressing their religious beliefs," said chief researcher Rick Roll of the Institute for Statistical Studies.

The study also found that, contrary to popular belief, all weed users have been shown to harbour deep-seated, as-yet-undiscovered cancers - which are slowly killing them, because of the government's unwillingness to legalise a potential miracle cure.

"Years of medical research has shown that weed is a very effective anti-cancer measure," said Roll, "especially when supplemented by things like healthy eating, exercise, not spending hours in direct sunlight or in tanning beds, and more insubstantial things like weeks of clinically-proven advanced multi-stage chemotherapy and radiotherapy."

Research also pointed out that if the War on Drugs were to be legally ended, there would be millions of Rands available for public spending and other typical government projects - a possibility that has sparked interest in ANC MPs and politicos since.

"Just think how many cars and Johnny Walker and endless weeks of fastfood that could get you?" said ANC Minister of Public Spending Robbin Dhakantry. "Oh, and maybe some RDP houses and a toilet or two. You know, if there's some change."

However, the legalisation debate is still a contentious one, with stalwarts on both sides presenting sound arguments.

"We can't blerrie legalise this kak," said Joburg resident John Anders while drinking a beer with his 16-year-old son. "Because after that they'll legalise coke and heroin and blerrie tik. And all our children will get their hands on it. No, we should definitely ban and criminalise all kinds of mind- and mood-altering drugs. Here, have beer."

Anyone with information on how to be diagnosed with glaucoma or, like, a not-that-serious but just-serious-enough form of cancer should please get in contact with reporters from Muse and Abuse.

SRC election to be decided in dance-off

In a sudden turn of events this morning the Rhodes Student Representative Council shocked the sometimes-voting student body by announcing that the usual ballot-style democratic elections for SRC portfolios would be dropped in favour of a "kiff dance competition."

According to incumbent SRC President Officer Raak Datbadhi, the move comes in hopes that "all those okes who watch Idols and Big Brother will get interested."


 
"We've seen in past Idols seasons that sometimes so many people vote that they get two winners at the end of the day," said Datbadhi. "We think that the possibility of accidentally having two presidents will be great."

The new electoral process started off with a surprising video released this weekend, in which the SRC showed off their preliminary dance moves in hopes to win a strong starting sentiment with the voting public. The video contains none of that usual democratic election crap, such as names, portfolio aims and goals, candidate manifesto, previous leadership credentials or current campaign mandate, and instead focuses on their skills on the dancefloor.

"Basically all the important stuff," said Datbadhi.

And according to Head of DanceSport and now expert in Student Politics Megan Bohlroom, this is a great way for students to pick out the right candidate.

"They all have a pretty similar, too-long marching intro, which makes it difficult to single one true leader out," said Bohlroom. "However, the spin, twist and pose of the Projects candidate shows that she is a truly gifted, natural-born leader with the kinds of skills that will really serve in the non-dance related side of the SRC's workload."

Other candidates also show promise. 

"The tall white president dude might seem a little stiff and forced at first, but it's in that final little squat that he really shows his natural gift for leading the student body."

Other candidates, however, might suffer a stunted start.

"The 'machine-gun' move of the Oppidan Councilor might be a little too politically aligned to the ANC and 'Umshini Wami' to win over students, and the fact that some of the candidates aren't wearing overalls or purple shows that they actually don't give two flying shits about students and their needs," said Bohlroom.

However, many students remain unconvinced at the show, saying that the obvious lack of Autumn Harvest in the video means that the clip is not a valid indication of their real dance potential and thus their leadership capabilities.

"I'm somewhere between Sheldon Cooper and an IS major when it comes to dancing," said second-year BFA student Ackjulie Tahlented. "But err'body knows that when i've got ma drink own, I'm half Beyonce, half Rihanna. I'm Rihyonce, biaatch!"

Students can vote over the course of the next week, during which candidates will be staging dance-offs every lunchtime at the Kaif, with surprise choreographed flash mobs at Dining Halls to be announced this week.

RU left reeling after student votes

Rhodes University has been left reeling in a state of brain-dead shock after a student reportedly voted for an SRC candidate.

Apathy has, in recent years, even become a political
tool. Why?
Who cares?

The vote, which happened sometime this morning between 7am and midday, has left student politics analysts dumbfounded and SRC Councillors flumoxed.

"We just don't know what to do," said Media Councillor Gray Tposta. "I mean, we've never seen this kind of behaviour before. Why would a Rhodes student do this?"

Many fingers have been pointed as to the cause of this behaviour, including the recent price increase of a CrackBomb. "That's the only thing that could possibly describe this level of level-headed non-apathy," said Tposta.

The SRC office has since degraded into a crazed frenzy, amidst fears that they might actually reach Quorum this year. "What if we do?" screamed Elections Officer Stoh Lenbalots. "That's never happened before!"

According to sources in the SRC, the elections run every year are just for show purposes. Plans to instead host annual poster design competitions are being considered as a viable replacement in future.

Some poster creators reportedly took over
13 hours of brainstorming to come up
with their award-winning wordplay.

"Having to vote in your leaders was all the rage in post-1994 South Africa with democracy and stuff, but over the years it's become more fashionable to be stuck with uninformed shit-for-brains idiots as your representatives," said political analyst Pritchard Richhouse. "This tendency has crept into Rhodes, but we're constitutionally bound to make it look like people are actually thinking about these votes and choosing the best person for the job."

This year's election has been the most convincing yet, with over 16 fake posters stuck up all over campus. 

However, many believe that the vote could have been a total mistake. 

"Students living in digs - Oppidan students, that is - are automatically registered and enrolled into this election, which is a course on our online student service," said systems analyst and the guy who keeps your connection to pornographic websites running Guy Holdings. Holdings believes that they saw the pictures of the election candidates and mistook it for a "who would you rather bang?" application. They took one look at the tall white guy who did that 'Umlungu' shit last year and were like, 'ya, defos babe.'"

Holdings and his team of 'net specialists have reportedly tracked down the offending voter, and have cut their internet.

"The internet is no place for such a character," he said. "The girl who cast the vote didn't even leave a racist comment afterwards. Sies."

Since the ordeal, professional counselors from the RU Wellness Centre have come forward to calm down the SRC and assuage their fears.

"It was a once-off," said practicing psychologist Sy Khohanalysis. "We're confident that everyone else won't give a fuck about the election and just watch series or something instead."

However, the SRC is taking no chances, and have since uploaded the latest episode of Suits season 3 onto all university webpages and laboratory computers.

"For over thirty years we've held this strong and proud tradition," said Tposta, "and we're not letting some... some... responsible person ruin it for us."

Students have until the end of the week to ignore all emails asking you to vote, after which there will be more elections. God help us.