Court finds MRA misogynist “deserved” to be assaulted, murdered

Justice has been served today, after the South African Supreme Court acquitted and released a man wrongfully charged with murder, saying that the victim’s dress sense, irresponsibility and consumption of alcoholic beverages proved that he was “asking for it”.

28-year-old Eric Manson was cleared of all charges of murdering well-known men's rights blogger and Men's Rights Activist, Andrew Hamaray, after courts looking into some of Andrew's compelling posts on the internet found that "it only makes sense, really".

”Some might consider this a sickening, heinous crime, and our judgement a gross usurpation and betrayal of the very idea of justice,” said Supreme Justice Victor Ree, “but we have to ask ourselves very important questions, like ‘what was he wearing at the time?’ and ‘why was he in a dangerous area alone at night?’ and even ‘how much did he drink before being stabbed multiple times in the chest and neck?’”.

Judges examined what was soon revealed to be very damning evidence.

“First of all, he was wearing an expensive, Italian leather jacket,” said Ree, counting the condemning proofs off with his fingers. “He was flashing around his wallet and talking openly on his phone in a risky part of town, and he had drunk a lot of alcohol before the incident. This leaves one conclusion: that he was asking to be robbed and butchered. That it was his fault.”

This judgement is supported strongly by police testimony.

“He waited almost three hours to report the crime,” said the sergeant on duty who took the initial statement. “Why? And don’t give me that ‘he was bleeding to death in a hospital’ bullshit. If this crime was so serious he would have reported it immediately, ICU life-suppport or not.”

Lawyers representing the wrongfully accused agreed, asking why the alleged victim waited so long to come forward to be slandered and discredited by their legal team.

“If they had really had a case based on facts and truth, they would have come forward to be belittled and attacked by us and rabid social media users much, much earlier than they did.”

So strong has the initial evidence been that police have not even needed to consult forensic evidence.

“The fingerprints we took from the scene and blood samples are sitting in their kit on a dusty shelf in the evidence room,” said the sergeant. “It’s clear that we don’t need any more evidence. Real men don't get robbed.”

Social media has also voiced its opinion, emphasising its agreement with the judge’s findings.

“He was an affluent manwhore prick," said one of many thousands of comments that weren't made under anonymity. "All these Men’s Rights Activists make me sick, saying men should be allowed to wear what they want and drink what they want. They should just STFU and go back to the garage repairing cars where they belong."

Family of the man have fully supported the court’s decision, saying, "we stand by Drew's words."

“Drew was always very vocal about the issues he cared about on social media, and never failed to air these exact same opinions on his twitter page,” they said. “We accept the court’s findings. Really, when you look at it closely, it’s what Dan would have wanted.”

Facebook's lawyers destroyed by simple status

Facebook’s legal team is in stunned silence today, after their seemingly airtight, carefully constructed and extensive 134-page Terms and Conditions legal agreement was undone and nullified by a simple Facebook status.

“When we first started this company all those years ago, we knew we would have to have legal safeguards in place to control content, oversee copyright management, and provide a general set of user terms and conditions that apply equally across our user database,” said the legal team in a lengthy statement this morning, “but how were we to know that a twenty-something-year old in South Africa would have the legal genius to undo all our care and work in one simple ten-sentence status? It was sheer brilliance.”

Facebook now says that, despite their document’s apparent legal strength and imperviousness, this new disclaimer, containing just twenty lines of text, was like kryptonite on an Achilles tendon made of glass.

“It hit us like a sack of bricks,” they said. “I mean, quoting the Rome Statute – a document usually reserved for outlining a court’s jurisdiction, structure and internal processes – was just, wow, incredible. We never saw it coming.”

The creator of the post, who is amazingly neither a law student nor legal expert in any way - says that beating the system like he did requires nothing but clever manoeuvring.

“When you sign up for Facebook and tick the box that says you have read and understood their terms and conditions of service and use, there are all kinds of nasty controls put on your photographs and all your user information that you upload,” said Andy Vokate, whose work has gone on to protect many thousands of enlightened, seasoned internet users, “but when you stumble upon some very clever legal arguments that some companies don’t want you to discover, you’ll see that these contracts are not worth the .txt file they’re written on.”

These legal arguments are incredible, say legal experts.

“We know this argument will be very powerful in court because it’s filled with all kinds of law words and legal phrases like ‘articles’ and ‘hereby’ and, geez, ‘tacitly’. Oh, and ‘foregoing’!” said legal counsel Eric Manders. “And an even more hard-hitting part of the argument is citing UCC 1 1-308 – 308 1 -103 and codes L.111, 112 and 113. Personally, I would quote paragraph 123 subsection a1 of L ACB 123456 or the infamous precendent of Hugh Justin v. May Dissup, but this is as good.”

He added that most judges were amenable to arguments like “really, who even reads these long confusing things? We all know everyone just scrolls to the bottom and clicks ‘Accept’.”

“Especially if they’re an iTunes user,” he said.

However, this post may have opened the floodgates for public legal declarations and defences, with this judiciary tactic being applied to many other industries and services.

“With this new resurgence of customer legal protection, companies are now being force to issue counter legal statuses on Twitter and Facebook,” said Manders. “Pretty soon, we’ll be seeing counter-counter-legal-announcements, and counter-counter-counter-counter notices. It’ll be like Inception, but with more law and less confusion.”

Whatever controversy arises, judges and Facebook users alike agree on one very simple fact: that this definitely is not a hoax.

“This is perfectly sound legal advice,” they said. “I mean, if it wasn’t, would it really be copied and pasted by hundreds of other people? I don’t think so.“

Legal notice: by reading this you agree that I my writing is awesome and flawless and beyond reproach, and deserves some kind of a medal or something. You also agree to share this article with friends and family at least eighteen times.

“Go fuck yourself” now a legally-permissible argument

Citing the sheer overwhelming number of deserving articles, posts, statuses, opinions and stories posted every minute all over the internet, Supreme justices, advocates and judges at every level of the Legal System have today allowed full legal permissibility and support of the argument that someone should “go fuck themselves”.

According Justice Eric Secutioner of the Supreme Court, the decision was made after many hours of hard,vigorous debate, when one Justice sneakily checked her phone and saw a tweet from part-time “singer” Steve Hofmeyr proclaiming that blacks were the architects of apartheid.

The Supreme Court roll clearly records the events, showing that Justice Annabelle Torrends rolled her eyes and said aloud, “oh, go fuck yourself”, which was shortly followed by her passing around the phone. Other justices then gave various renditions of “just kill yourself” and “choke on a fat one, you fucktard”, eventually agreeing that “go fuck yourself” would be permissible as it made no allusion to homophobic slurs and did not constitute a death threat.

“It’s important to be progressive with these kinds of things,” they explained.

Legal experts now say that this “Go Fuck yourself” legal rebuttal is based in powerful legal precedent, in the form of the Reasonable Person measure.

"Look, when you post shit like this on Facebook and Twitter, it’s clear that any reasonable person would tell you to go fuck yourself,” said legal expert Lawyer. “Or rather, as we say in legal circles, ‘describe to you in graphic detail how to use your genetalia to go commit auto… autoerotica? autosexual something? Eroti… er, whatever fucking yourself is in Latin.”

People across the country have voiced widespread support for this new introduction.

“When I see a dumb post on Facebook or Twitter, I think, geez, I could easily debunk this using a rational and critically-analytical approach, showing the logical inconsistencies and rhetorical weaknesses of the poster’s argument,” said one internet user, “but what with the time and energy it would take to do this, and the likelihood of him actually reading the response with genuine interest and taking to heart my central criticisms and suggestions and ultimately changing his flawed way of looking at the world, it’s honestly just easier and saves more time and effort to simply tell him to take two Viagra, bend his cock under his balls and through his gooch-hair and stick it right up his own ass.”

Other online commentators said that the decision would be well received in the online community.

“Sorry to offend, but in my books dickheads and arseholes tend to be indistinguishable and quite inseparable on the internet,” said another. “So why not also in actual real life with the human body? Go figure.”

Pic of judge (my edit) by maveric2003

Man self-immolates in front of High Court

Speculation, shock and rumours have swept Johannesburg this morning, after a man poured petrol all over himself outside the High Court, flicked a match and set himself ablaze in front of a crowd of hundreds of traumatised onlookers.

"Why did he do it?" stammered haunted-for-life magistrate and part-time blogger Justice Laaifen Pryson. "What could be so singularly awful in our country that he would douse himself in fuel, light a match, and end it all? Crime? Poverty? Worsening socioeconomic disparities and widespread political corruption under a nepotistic, loyalist government? What could possibly drive him to such desperate lengths?"

Despite the endless speculation, police investigators from the Pretoria SAPS now think there could be a simpler, far more obvious reason.

"Footage pulled from surveillance cameras around the area clearly shows why he would be driven to such an act," said Chief Investigator Ian Competance. "He was wearing a T-Shirt which, upon close examination, shows adverts for not one or two but THREE Leon Schuster movies: Mad Buddies,Mama Jack, and - God help us all - Mr Bones 2. Eurgh...

According to the Centre for the Management of Hazardous, Dangerous, Toxic and Radioactive Substances (CMHDTRS) , Leon Schuster Films - know by their empirical chemical name LSF - are a highly dangerous waste product of the South African film industry, with over a million DVD cases of the deadly, radioactive substance being dumped in Afrikaans households and struggling small-town Mr Video stores every year.

"LSF is clearly one of the most toxic forms of industrial waste that South Africa produces," said Dr John Doe of the CMHDTRS. "Prolonged exposure can cause insanity, blindness, hysteria, brain damage, full-body cringes so powerful they can shatter bone and burst internal organs, and the dangerous tendency to think a scene centred loosely around a protagonist losing control of his bowels in a public place as hilarous, original comedy."

He went on to add that the substance was even deadly to those who only suffered partial exposure.

"Such as the blind and the deaf," he said, pointing to a sheaf of paper covered in graphs, long latin words and numbers that looked very sciency indeed.

Police reports now confirm the man's cause of death, saying that the utter lack of mirrors in his house meant that he would not have known his exposure to lacklustre fart-joke comedy weakly hinged around racial differences in a modern South Africa until it was too late.

"He was probably in a rush to work and pulled on the first T-shirt his hand grabbed out the cupboard. He was probably in public for hours... Jesus," read the offical police statement.

The public is hereby formally warned to immediately destroy any LSF they should come in to contact with.

"Fire, a hammer, a knife, a shredder that you don't care whether it breaks or not - these are all scientifically tried and tested methods of dealing with LSF," said Dr Doe. "Please, people, don't take any chances."

This is the second such incident in the past four months, after a man stood in a high-speed industrial blender after being forced to watch an Adam Sandler movie marathon with his eight-year-old brother, who reportedly found the films "hilarious".

Girl no longer hot enough to jump queue, get her essays done by someone else

pic:impathilm
Pichost.me

Today was a bad day for 23-year-old part-time waitress and student Jessica Heiders, after the Court of Public Opinion ruled in favour of Men Everywhere’s claim that the defendant, Heiders, was “not really all that hot any more” and no longer “good looking enough” to warrant the continued acts of desperate males stooping to social lows in an attempt to escape the friendzone and get with her.

Though Heiders used to be hot enough to get away with anything (like many other reported women) the Counsel for the Prosecution argued that she was no longer considered by “a lot of guys we know” as “actually all that bangable anymore” and so no longer qualified for her various I’d-Tap-That privileges.

“We live in a society of constantly shifting agreements of which women met the strict criteria of our white, idealised notions of beauty,” said lead prosecutor Ayam de Villes-Zadvokat. “There are only so many girls we can let pretend we’re good enough friends for them to jump the queue at Friars or any nightclub, only for us to be dropped within seconds for someone else who happens to be closer to the douche bouncer and his prized entrance.”

De Villes-Zadvokat went on to add that “there was really only so much extra homework we can do for other people in hopes of us getting in there”.

Many men have agreed.

“It’s been months now of me listening to her blathering-ons, opening the door for her, being polite and kind and complimentary, and just generally being really nice to her,” said 23-year-old fellow French student who sometimes does her translation assignments Charl Louw, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I’m beginning to think she’s taking advantage of my honest, sincere friendship.”

Now after months of trial hearings and scathing cross-examination, the Court ruled that men should no longer do her Politics assignments or be understanding or sympathetic when she’s really just being an irrational bitch to you.

“The evidence speaks for itself,” said Justice Jimmy Haders, pointing out Louw’s Formula of Attractivenes. “If we look at the objective science, she just isn’t worth it anymore.”

He continued.

“I know a lot of you used to be okay with her droning on about her tedious and empty life of meaningless and ultimately irrelevant problems with her drug-addict father and depressed mother because you totally want to hit that, but this is no longer acceptable. She doesn’t meet the basic subminimums for this sort of preferential special treatment.”

The controversial precedent for Men vs Heiders, 2014 has now been set and the Court’s decision may have far reaching implications for women and men everywhere.

“Every day, thousands of men around the world treat certain women with more patience and kindness than their lesser, inferior, lower-than-a-low-seven counterparts,” he said. “No longer. Now the world has become a slightly more equal place.”

Heiders, however, has since lodged an appeal with the Supreme Court, but inside sources say her application has little chance of success.

“The judge in charge of submissions is really busy with a whole bunch of other legal matters,” they said, asking not to be named because they were pretty much making all this up as they went along. “Besides, there’s this totally smoking babe in the Courtroom - Chelsea, god, bro, you should see her, you’d die - and she asked him to fill in a little bit of paperwork for her if he wasn’t too busy, nothing too serious, just a couple of full legal applications in triplicate. And so he’ll be busy with that.”

Heiders, however, remains heartbroken at the decision.

“This is terrible!” she wept in bitter and impotent rage. “However will I get by without hundreds of spineless men whose lack of talent, charm, charisma or real sexual attraction forces them to try get into my pants with meaningless acts that anyone can do? Without these guys, who assume that doing said acts automatically requires me to sleep with them, however will I cope?”

Man sentenced to 40 years in G'town student digs

A large helping of justice was served this morning, after Judge Hugh Harsofukt sentenced 32-year-old serial killer and notorious armed robber James Steele to a life sentence in a 4-man Grahamstown student digs.

According to report by the court published last week, the singular awfulness of most student digs which house the students of Rhodes University make them ideal for the punishment and incarceration of hardened criminals who are beyond rehabilitation.

"Recent studies of these so-called 'student digs' show that usually they have more bars and locks and also worse living conditions than most maximum-security prisons," said police constable and author of the study Eric Fuller. "If we just lock the house from the outside, they'll never get out, and we'll save thousands in taxpayers' rands."

Fuller added that the fact that they had to pay exorbitant rent to live in such cramped squalor would "really suck, man."

However, the decision has not been without its share of controversy, with leading Human Rights Watch groups, organisations and activists condemning the move outright as "immoral, inhumane and draconian."

"With their water shortages and lack of quality, blackouts, dirty floors, communal bathrooms, cramped living space, sink full of unwashed dishes and that digsmate's puppy yelping and yapping all night in the other room when you're trying to get some goddamn sleep, only someone morally bankrupt and totally sadistic would hand down such a severe punishment," said head of Rights for Prisoners John Hendricks. "Even getting kicked in the balls for all eternity would be more lenient."

He went on to add that the likelihood of the inmates' milk being slowly and sneakily swigged away to nothingness was just "totally lank uncool bro".

"Besides," Hendricks added, "there's a 95% chance that the prisoner's mates will break in and set him free after taking all the laptops and stuff."

In spite of the activists' harsh criticisms, Judge Harsofukt has remained steadfastly unmoved and stands by his decision.

"The only way to teach such a heinous and despicable character that his aborrent actions have dire consequences is to force him to live in such inhuman conditions," he said. "If that means that his socks get stolen every time he does a load of washing, his communal dinner is too-salty spaghetti bolognaise every two days, and he has to suffer the montly ballache of dealing with awful landladies and the municipality water bill, so be it."

However, he did say that he would never include university residences in the sentencing procedures, citing the guy next door to your room who keeps loudly banging his girlfriend every night next door and tuesday's Braised Club Steak as "too vicious a punishment for anyone regardless of their atrocities."

"What kind of sick, twisted bastard do you think I am?"

Oscar must pay for our loss

pic:source, labelled for reuse, Flickr

The family of Reeva Steenkamp have this morning announced that they will be suing Oscar Pistorius for the loss of their beloved primary source of income daughter.

“He must pay for what he has done!” said the family of the South African model and actress. “Preferably via MasterCard or VISA, but we accept post-dated cheques, asset transfers, hard currency, or even some equitable stock option transfers.”

“We are struggling financially. Reeva was helping us,” said the mourning mother in an interview with the Independent Newspapers. “On the night she died, when she was on her way to Oscar’s house, we talked about her sending us money to pay our cable television bill. I was fretting because I thought I was going to miss her first TV appearance. She told me not to worry, she would send money the next day. She regularly helped us with food and utility bills.”

She went on to elaborate.

“We’ve suffered immeasurable loss,” she said. “Food, DSTV, income. Oh, and a daughter. That too.”

Despite countless outcries and angry reactions to this dehumanising move, Medical professionals at the Woolworth Centre for Medical Issue Studies has announced grave research that strongly links a lack of DSTV to serious medical risks in middle-class white people.

“Our studies have clearly revealed that, without their precious DSTV, most white people just can’t cope with real life,” said Dr Bo Gusklaymes. “As they switch over to cheaper state-broadcasting options, their hearts and livers fail under the enormous pressure of having to watch endless reruns of shows that were famous and popular when [apartheid reference withheld to make previously privileged readers not feel guilty].”

Sources close to the judicial system have informed reporters at Muse and Abuse that the parents will also be suing for custody of Pistorius’ signature carbon-fibre blades.

 “We googled it the other day, and those badboys can fetch a pretty hefty figure,” said the source. “Besides, it’s not like he’s going to use them a lot in jail.”

Dad Barry, 69, spoke to UK newspaper fromtheir smallholding outside Port Elizabeth. 

“I know not everyone understands why we are doing this. It makes me feel awkward, a bit guilty and terrible when people say these awful things,” he said. He went on to not add, “But not enough to honour her memory by not reducing her to a mere source of economic benefit.” 

“Pistorius has taken away her chance of ever marrying or having children,” said the parents in a desperate and heartbroken embrace photo-op. “Oh, and he killed her. That too.”

The grieving family also took the opportunity to speak to countless gloss magazines and mass media outlets to decry the global media’s “vulturistic ways.”

“The media disgusts us,” they said. “They have all this invasive content that is disrespectful to the beautiful memory of our daughter as a talented actress, devoted daughter, and payer of bills. Oh, and be sure to buy the last edition of You Magazine. There were beautiful memorial service pictures in it.”

Magistrates go on strike; police to pick up slack

Magistrates across the country went on strike today, in a class-wide move aimed at increasing their pay, says head of the Union of Magistrates Earnest Rike.

"We've started our Go-Slow this morning," said Rike. "I mean, it's not like we're a public sector or anything and can't go on strike."

However, some judiciary officials that don't exist but we'll just say "judiciary officials" 'cos you'll believe this lovely weasel wording say that the Go-Slow might actually speed up the justice system.

"By actively focusing on going slowly all day, they might accidentally go faster than their usual absent-minded, subconscious level of sloth-in-glue tardiness," said our source.

Thanks to the striking action, the police force and members of the South African Police Service say that they had to have a more involved role in meting out daily justice.

"The government is dealing with the issue," said Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa after he had decided to give enough of a shit to come back from his honeymoon to do what the country has been paying him do since he took office. Political analysts have emphasised the difficulty in deciding exactly who (between the Minister and those he protects) got screwed over more in the two-week period.

"We're going with South Africans," said analyst Loki Natstats. "Just because they didn't get a holiday or drinks before getting properly rogered."

Chief of Police Beetus Ivilian has also weighed in on the strike announcement, saying that the strike coincides with a three-year plan of action in the police ranks.

"We've been getting ready for this official strike for the better part of three years now," said Ivilian. "It's taken a lot of practice and tenacity." 

According to Ivilian, much of the policy documentation was perfected and finalised with no small amount of civilian interaction and involvement - a process that some administrative officials in the police department say was at least on one occasion, "a drag".

"It's only through the efforts of locals and internationals in South Africa, like Emidio Macia and Andries Tatane, that we've gotten to where we are. We've definitely been getting a more hands-on approach to justice and dealing with insidious innocent people, maths teachers, criminals," he said.

SAPS servicemen and women say that they are all-guns for the new policy. 

Criminals have also protested at the decision, stressing their anger at having to spend more time in jail.

"They're telling me that I might have to spend as much as three extra days in prison!" said eight-time-convicted burglar and gang-rape-accused John Member. "Now i'll have to wait until the weekend is over to get back to work."

However, Ministry officials were quick to assure the public that the system will be back up and running in not time. 

"Well be back to our old ways within the week," read the Ministry's statement. "
Before you know it, criminals accused of murder or gang rape will be out on R500 bail."