Social media legal ‘experts’ to get Honourary Degrees

Citing the vast quantities of insightful expertise and legal opinion being offered incessantly on social media websites Facebook and Twitter, universities across the world have today announced their decision to confer thousands of Honourary Doctorates in Law to what they’re calling “the true legal geniuses of our time.”

According to Law Faculty Deans worldwide, what is most surprising of all is how these amazing and legally-literate opinions have all been produced after seemingly little to no prior study of the law, at any level.

“When we look back at some of the most popular and controversial legal cases of our time – the O.J Simpson trial, the Oscar Pistorius case, the Michael Jackson hearings, or even back as far as the Jacob Zuma inquiries – what we notice again and again is a wave, a veritable flood of thousands of social media users giving paragraphs-long and technically sound legal insights into these nuanced and complex cases,” said Dean of the Witswaterstrand University Law Faculty, Iona Gavel.

“Who would have known that so many hundreds of people, with little – if any – legal training or university knowledge of the Rome Statute, Constitutional Law, Due Process or even Crimen Injuria would be able to produce such lucid, confident, and not-at-all-pulled-out-their-arses legal commentary?” she said. “Often, at just a single glance at the case in question, they can instantly tell if someone’s guilty. Hell, I wonder why we even have universities or law faculties.”

However, many of the soon-to-be Honourary Doctors of Law are remain humble.

“It’s quite simple [how we did it],” explained mechanic and part-time understudy of famed Civil Law Barrister Judge Judy, Ree Parenjin. “You just look at the facts that they’ve reported in the newspaper and on my twitters, think about it for a few seconds, and the truth of the whole issue becomes immediately clear. Some people have an issue with what we say, but really there are some kinds of justice that are better and faster. Ag, some of these old judges have spent so much time in dusty libraries and boring classrooms reading cold, dull so-called ‘precedents’ that they no longer understand what justice is.“

And now, citizens everywhere are looking forward to the promise of a better, more efficient legal system.

“Oscar Pistorius was obviously guilty,” said Parenjin. “In a brighter future, we won’t have true justice delayed or cheated by pesky appeals processes or irritating subminimum standards of Reasonable Doubt. Oscar, those blerrie rhino poachers in the Kruger [National Park], and even corrupt ministers: they’ll all get the death penalty or life in jail, straight.”

Legal experts can’t wait.

“I look at some of the sentences and legal process changes these guys want, and I have to say I’m excited,” said Gavel. “I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”

Other SA towns “much shittier places to live” agree Joburg, Capetown inhabitants

Remarkable social progress has been made today, after Capetonians and Joburgers of all walks of life set aside their differences and agreed that, while both their respective cities were indeed crap places to live, Port Elizabeth (as well as thousands of other towns across South Africa) is a much more shit place to live in comparison.

The warring tribes, which have long and bitterly argued whose city is a better place to live, came together in hours-long peace talks yesterday, eventually emerging united in the belief that that “at least we don’t live in that windy craphole”.

“The history of this battle has been long and vicious,” said Cape Town Mayor Weeva Mountin, who attended the talks. “We have a dark, ugly history of pointless online flamewars and tongue-in-cheek blog posts trying to convince others - but mostly ourselves - that every city but ours is a far, far crappier place to live.”

Pictured: Joburg artist's depiction of Cape Town

“Today we’ve accepted the hard facts of the matter,” he said. "We’ve both realised that the other side is kinda right, and have accepted that our cities are in many ways shit places to live. However, we’ve also agreed that, while we might live in godless pits, at least every other place in South Africa is a much, much worse place to live, like, say, Potgeitersburg, or - Jesus - Mahikeng. God, can you imagine?”

And the cities’ citizens agree.

“We’ve been here a thousand times,” said Capetonian of two-decades, Arvie Gannipster. “Joburg is shit because it has no beaches, it has no small hipster bars that serve Thai-Eskimo fusion food, it has no art scene, and worst of all, it has no huge beautiful mountain.”

“Yes,” agreed Johannesburg resident Victor Mofcrime, “just like Capetown is a shithole because it has no lucrative financial scene, no high flashy lifestyle of clubs and women, and no stock exchange.”

“But we’ve finally come to an agreement: at least neither of us live in port Elizabeth. Or, Jesus, literally any town in fucking Kwa-zulu Natal.”

Pictured: Capetonian artist's depiction of Johannesburg

Scientists have welcomed the findings as “utterly factual and not at all biased.”

“You might think that this is just a case of Urban Cognitive Dissonance, that they’re just obliged to not hate these cities just because they live there and this brings about a warped sense of belonging,” said senior researcher at the Centre for Comparative Research, Eliza Tombself, “but in fact it’s a 100% legitimate, evidence-based claim to make. Quite simply, it's good, hard science.”

But despite the controversy, Port Elizabeth residents remain unconvinced.

“Oh come on. They're just totally jealous of our giant flag and unrivaled ore-loading facilities, not to mention our status as primary motor vehicle producer of SA and largest supplier of vulcanised rubber tyres," said Port Elizabeth Mayor Portia Harboursen.

"Yes, we may have a foul-smelling industrial stretch, incessant godawful wind and basically all the bad things of both those cities [of Cape Town and Johannesburg] in general,” she said, “but at least we don’t have e-tolls, or an economy based solely on coffee-shop takings and pretending to be an artist.”

“Besides,” he added, “I think we all know that, actually, East London is the real shithole.”

Muse and Abuse would like to state that at least we don’t live in Zimbabwe. And if you do, well, at least you don’t live in Burundi.

Ex-pat prepares himself for return to South Africa

With just one month remaining on his contract as a teacher in France, South African citizen Eric Van Der Westhuizen has kicked his preparations for his return home up a gear, with daily “South Africanisation” exercises such as whining about crime, paranoia mediation and saying ‘blerrie’ a lot helping him to build up the skills crucial to surviving in his hometown.

“Back when I lived in South Africa, I thought it wasn’t that bad,” said the soon-to-return expat. “But now, having been exposed to mostly international coverage of South Africa over the course of eight months, it turns out it’s actually a giant poverty-stricken, racist’s-haven shithole filled to the wallet-stealing, carjacking brim with crime and government corruption. It’s only right that I prepare for this, my unavoidable, return.”

According to French propriétaire (that’s ‘landlady’, you cretin) young “Vaan duh ‘Estayzan” is taking his new daily training regime very seriously.

“I hear him in his room, complaining out loud about ‘flippen reverse racism’ and ‘the fokken government’,” she told reporters yesterday evening. “And now, whenever he walks around the train station I see him gripping both straps of his backpack with white-clenched fists, pausing every few seconds to see if anyone is walking too close to him and patting his pockets in a ‘have I been robbed yet’ interpretive dance.”

The young South African reported a few months ago that he really missed South Africa, and while this daily routine may seem a tad pessimistic, Eric says this is just one small part of his program.

“You know, success is always in the small details,” he explained. “Small things most returning citizens might overlook, for example maintain a constant, 24hr, exhausting state of heightened worry and anxiety, and never sitting out of direct line-of-sight of your bags. Tiny touches, like remembering to feel a constant sensation of dread and terror whenever a shadow comes up behind me. You know, those details that most just overlook, like making a big show of locking all your car doors, leaving the window slightly ajar so that it can’t be shattered by a bunch of batteries in a sock, or even remembering to flip the entire switchboard off and sitting in depressing, awful darkness for hours on end.”

And this is just Phase One of his plan.

“Ag, it’s not all negative stuff,” he said. “I’m also doing positive stuff, like taking cheap public transport, sitting in relaxed, free public parks on weekends, taking advantage of excellent, affordable and state-reimbursed healthcare, and using high-quality, cheap internet.”

“I mean, how else am I going to make an extensive list of all Europe’s cool shit so that I can smugly bitch about how ‘blerrie backwards this blerrie flippen country is’ in two months’ time?”

Court finds MRA misogynist “deserved” to be assaulted, murdered

Justice has been served today, after the South African Supreme Court acquitted and released a man wrongfully charged with murder, saying that the victim’s dress sense, irresponsibility and consumption of alcoholic beverages proved that he was “asking for it”.

28-year-old Eric Manson was cleared of all charges of murdering well-known men's rights blogger and Men's Rights Activist, Andrew Hamaray, after courts looking into some of Andrew's compelling posts on the internet found that "it only makes sense, really".

”Some might consider this a sickening, heinous crime, and our judgement a gross usurpation and betrayal of the very idea of justice,” said Supreme Justice Victor Ree, “but we have to ask ourselves very important questions, like ‘what was he wearing at the time?’ and ‘why was he in a dangerous area alone at night?’ and even ‘how much did he drink before being stabbed multiple times in the chest and neck?’”.

Judges examined what was soon revealed to be very damning evidence.

“First of all, he was wearing an expensive, Italian leather jacket,” said Ree, counting the condemning proofs off with his fingers. “He was flashing around his wallet and talking openly on his phone in a risky part of town, and he had drunk a lot of alcohol before the incident. This leaves one conclusion: that he was asking to be robbed and butchered. That it was his fault.”

This judgement is supported strongly by police testimony.

“He waited almost three hours to report the crime,” said the sergeant on duty who took the initial statement. “Why? And don’t give me that ‘he was bleeding to death in a hospital’ bullshit. If this crime was so serious he would have reported it immediately, ICU life-suppport or not.”

Lawyers representing the wrongfully accused agreed, asking why the alleged victim waited so long to come forward to be slandered and discredited by their legal team.

“If they had really had a case based on facts and truth, they would have come forward to be belittled and attacked by us and rabid social media users much, much earlier than they did.”

So strong has the initial evidence been that police have not even needed to consult forensic evidence.

“The fingerprints we took from the scene and blood samples are sitting in their kit on a dusty shelf in the evidence room,” said the sergeant. “It’s clear that we don’t need any more evidence. Real men don't get robbed.”

Social media has also voiced its opinion, emphasising its agreement with the judge’s findings.

“He was an affluent manwhore prick," said one of many thousands of comments that weren't made under anonymity. "All these Men’s Rights Activists make me sick, saying men should be allowed to wear what they want and drink what they want. They should just STFU and go back to the garage repairing cars where they belong."

Family of the man have fully supported the court’s decision, saying, "we stand by Drew's words."

“Drew was always very vocal about the issues he cared about on social media, and never failed to air these exact same opinions on his twitter page,” they said. “We accept the court’s findings. Really, when you look at it closely, it’s what Dan would have wanted.”

Newspapers don’t publish

Newstands and paper racks across the world were utterly bare yesterday, after news organisations worldwide failed to publish a single newspaper because “nothing bad happened”.

“As we all know, traumatic, horrifying, shallow or fear-mongering stories are our bread and butter,” said News Media Expert Ngud Gnuus. “But yesterday, there was no war, no famine, no murder, no rapes, no burglaries, no car accidents… nothing. How can we make a 24-page newspaper if no one dies or does something that makes you want to draw the curtains, stay locked indoors all day or just straight-out kill yourself?”

Gnuus went on to say that, despite the ever-worsening conflict in the Gaza strip and between Israel and Palestine, deeping strife and socioeconomic disparities across the seven continents and rampant crime rates, there was somehow nothing bad enough happening out of which to make an endlessly repeating loop of controversy and stern-anchored news coverage.

“It makes no sense, we know, but nothing bad happened. Usually there are any thousands of examples which we can shock and horrify you with, but yesterday it was only good stuff. How can we possibly sell papers with that?”

However, some newspapers have decided to rise to the challenge, releasing small online reports in spite of yesterday’s paucity of source material.

“We’ve decided to put a different spin on it,” said Editor of CNN Deborah Hardings. “We have headlines like World braces itself for inevitable explosion of crime, death and Bus full of School kids will definitely careen off road into ravine and blow up tomorrow, say experts. If the news media knows one thing, it’s how to turn no story into the top story of the day. Just look at any news story where our cameras and microphones are outside in the street or at a press conference or even outside a hospital where a royal baby is about to be born. Usually in these spots, we are just waiting for something to happen. That’s news, baby.”

Muse and Abuse will keep you updated today, as more nothing happens.

Expat missing rude South Africa

Citing the endless and intolerable stream of politesse and good spirit he has experienced from French people since his arrival in the country last year, expatriate and once South African citizen Erik van der Westhuizen said this morning that he “really really misses the fuck-you, cold shoulder attitude of [his] home country.”

“It’s been like this since I got here: just a ceaseless wave of gentility and good manners. On buses, at schools, at markets, in the street – it’s nothing but 'bonjour, Monsieur, comment ca va' this and 'excusez-moi' that and 'merci beaucoup' yada yada. I can’t even buy a packet of ham and a baguette in solitary, lonely, lovely silence without some arsehole greeting me and murping on about “how are you?” and all that shit. It just makes you miss the old days, you know?

Van der Westhuizen says his homesickness extends to many, many sectors of society, including rude shop keepers, unhelpful department officials, and egotisical and lazy police officers.

“The society here just makes no sense. I didn’t lock the door yesterday, and my house wasn't even broken into. Hell, last week one police officer asked me if I was lost, what I was looking for and whether he could help me,” said the forty-eight-year-old South African ex-national. “As if that’s any of his fucking business.”

Government officials and political figures of South Africa have since responded quickly to the reports, saying they are working on alleviating the dreary and depressing feeling of homesickness Van der Westhuizen currently suffers, by making South Africa as “unmissable as possible.”

“We’re really sorry he feels this way, but we want to reassure him that we’re doing everything in our considerable power to make him never feel these terrible sentiments again,” said a spokesperson for the government. “We’ve made fantastic progress already, what with Eskom introducing unwavering load shedding that is only going to get worse, the general decline of confidence in government, our internationally-mocked justice system, and the slow breakdown of social cohesion stemming from reports of racism and racially-motivated attacks."

Government now says that they are mere months from having Van der Westhuizen feeling smug and happy at his decision.

“As we move into Zuma’s next inevitable term despite him lacking the basic qualifications, abilities, intellect and organisational skills to organise a dump in a public toilet, we’re sure he’ll be one of those ‘jassis, but I’m glad I left, have you seen how that blerrie country is going to the blerrie dogs?’ ex-Saffer Australian ex-pats in no time.”

Santa Claus charged with trespassing, breaking and entering

Tens of thousands of children and parents have been left in shock and the Christmas season has ground to a halt after police announced the arrest of ages-old bringer of seasonal joy and merriment, Santa Clause.

Police now say that the global gift-delivery boy and poster boy for generosity and Coca-Cola has been charged with over four billion counts of trespassing on private property, breaking and entering, and violating international airspace restrictions and travel laws. Mr Claus also faces possible terrorism charges, having left more than eighteen billion million unmarked and suspicious packages in homes across the world.

He also faces charges of operating an animal-powered category five air vehicle without the requisite licences and registration.

“For a number of years now we’ve been issuing warnings to Mr Claus and his band of outlaws, but every December 25th, like clockwork, we see him ignoring us again and again,” said Lead Commissioner of Interpol Harry Dee Tainsbhadi. “This kind of contempt for the law is unacceptable. So this year we set up a sting operation, and we’ve caught him red handed.”

Parents have expressed resounding happiness at the police’s swift action, condemning Santa "The Sick Fuck" Claus as a “criminal” and “maybe even a paedophile, who knows?”

“Santa puts across this image of him being a jolly, friendly chap who hands out gifts to children from his sleigh – doesn’t that sound creepy to you?” said one concerned parent. “And every year, he sneakily breaks into hundreds of houses with sleeping, innocent children in them. Last year we found stockings hanging at the feet of my children’s beds. The sick bastard was that close to them! Who knows what twisted, perverted things he could have tried?”

However, Public and Federal prosecutors say they are having a tough time pinning the charges on the 400-year-old Father of Christmas, saying that his team of personal lawyers have established a very difficult set of alibis and counter arguments in his defence.

“We’re having difficulty proving the facts of the case to the judge,” said Federal Attorney for the State Amica Skewray. “Like how he was able to commit several thousand possible cases of breaking and entering in countries thousands of miles apart in just a few hours, and how he fit his fat arse down so many tiny chimneys.”

In light of these difficulties, the Prosectution has had to let many thousands of charges slide.

“We were forced to drop four billion charges of theft because, but we just can’t prove how one man ate and drank that many mince pies he ate and glasses of milk and sherry.”

Santa Claus and his team of lawyers are now preparing a last-ditch defense saying that he has been framed, and wrongfully arrested.

“It wasn’t our client who went into those houses and left all those presents,” read their statement to the media, which were delighted because a story like this is basically Christmas come early, “but instead thousands of insidious mothers and fathers whose lies to their children might put an innocent man in jail.”

Prosecuters now say they are working on debunking this claim.

“It’s a very flimsy defense,” they said. “I mean, are you honestly expecting me to believe it was actually my mom and dad who wrapped up all those presents and put it under the tree in the dead of night after taking a bite out of the treats we left and leaving sooty bootprints in the fire’s hearth, and not an elderly Gandalf who travels millions of miles from his North Pole home with his team of elves and reindeer to leave gifts under my tree when I’ve been good all year? Yeah, right. Pull the other one. It has jingle bells on it.”

Picture (edited) of Santa Clause by Jonathan G Meath (in Wikimedia Commons CC license 2.0 share-attribute)

The top ten most drop-dead sexy dictators of all time

Let’s face it: when it comes to making the world stop in its tracks, there are just some men whose badboy, counterculture devilish charm, wit and looks make us weak at the knees more than other men could even dream! Now, thanks to the tried, tested, flawless and sciencetifically perfect method of online personality quizzes, we have the top ten, drop-dead dictators. Let the countdown begin!

1. Kim Jong-Il

   

   That sultry stare, that manly chin… North Korean Heartthrob and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il is so hot it’s a crime against humanity. While not the highest scoring contender, his creativity and charm are more than a match for most men – even if those who try to compete are imprisoned and forced into labour camps. A country worships him, and merely his presence makes millions hungry for a bite; and we can see why.

   
   
   

2. Bashar al-Assad

   

   A bit of a Jealous John, but that is what defines him! Look at his worldwide celebrity: he ardently defends his political views, finds innovative ways to interrogate criminals, is to people what Buzzfeed is to online content, and has his very own secret police force that can watch you at all moments of the day. Whether, you’re surfing the web or writing a blog, you’ll always know this guardian angel is looking over your shoulder.

   
   
   

3. Idi Amin Dada

   

   Even though this iconic badboy military ruler was the Ugandan president for only eight years, thousands still remember Idi Amin Dada’s ineffable wit and charm. His intelligence makes him a definite keeper – but he takes eighth in our list because of his jealous tendencies. You can try tame this black panther is you want, but just be careful: nearly half a million people can tell you that kitty has claws.

   
   
   

4. Gaddafi

   

   "Public Enemy No. 1”? “The Mad Dog of the Middle East"? We don’t know about that, but he has us foaming at the mouth. Woof, woof, arrooo! Who let the dogs out? Libyan style-king and supreme ruler (of fashion!) Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi scores a solid seventh.

   
   
   

5. Allatoyah Ali Kha

   

   That beard! Just look at it! What is more rugged, more undeniably sexy, than a man in a beard? Nothing – except a man who takes charge and isn’t afraid to face societal wrath for his beliefs. For just ten minutes in a dark room with this sagely love master, we’d also ban music or denounce homosexuality as a Western disease!

   
   
   

6. Ho Chi Minh

   

   He’s courageous, tenacious, loving, and not scared to take what is rightfully his. Most people wouldn’t execute thousands and thousands of people over a Land Reform program, but badboy Hot Cheeks Minh just doesn’t play by the rules. Even at five, he's a keeper.

   
   
   

7. Omar al-Bashir

   

   This Sudanese President ended a civil war and was thought to be a noble and fair man – perhaps he can help bring peace to all the ladies who must be at each other’s throats for a little piece of action with the Bash Master? What is it about Masterminds of ethic cleansing and mass genocide that just make us feel so naughty? It’s that guilty feeling you get doing something you know you shouldn’t!

   
   
   

8. Josef Stalin

   

   Leader of a people, progressive thinker, revolutionary icon and total master of photoshop (who is Lenin anyway?), this Ruskie Hunk will make you want to overthrow the bourgeoisie and Great Purge your heart of every other man you’ve ever had eyes for and throw them in Gulag where all the inferior male specimens are kept.

   
   
   

9. Adolf Hilter

   

   You knew this one had to be here somewhere. Adolf Hitler (or should that be “Adonis Hit-me-baby-one-more-time-ler”?) is to breath-taking tyrants what black culture was to Miley Cyrus and what shitty adverts were to Andy Warhol: the source, the muse, the OG Mac Daddy. Effective, passionately committed, bold in the face of his critics, and great with animals, Adorable Hitl-ey is a keeper, whether he is painting you watercolours of Vienna’s picturesque sights, holding your hand, or helping you kill yourself so that you can be together forever outside of a hateful society that doesn’t understand or accept your illicit love.

   

   *Unfortunately he doesn’t take Number One because of a lot of controversy surrounding his past - especially his stint with Amphetamines during that dark, dark spring of 1942. Some things we just aren’t comfortable with

   
   
   The one you’ve all been waiting for! Here it is ladies!
   

10. Mao Zedong

    

    The Republic of China will never forget him – and neither will you. Look at that soft, adorable face! Look at his thirst for power! This buxom badass is not afraid to speak his mind – whether its defending his views against parents who think he shouldn’t follow his dreams or indiscriminately sentencing millions to death, Zedong wins us hook, line and sinker. oh, and what about “Zedong”, you ask? Well, let’s just say it’s Mao-ssive.

    
    
    

    All Pics: wikimedia commons. Ratings from wwwfollowland.com. Picture of Hitler from Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-S33882 / CC-BY-SA. Picture of Mao Zedong from Richard Fisher

Gangsters protest school dropouts

Reacting to what it has called “an unfair, hurtful and biased knee-jerk response”, the notorious 28s gang of Cape Town has today protested against the terrible state of education in South Africa, calling on all 12-to-18-year-olds to stay in school and complete their education.

“We have a terrible rep’ in the media,” said 28s gang leader Slevin Tymsfore. “All these community members are attacking us, saying kids are dropping out to join us and that we’re destroying children, their future and our communities. But ask yourself – who the hell would want a kid with no Matric working for them?”

He explained in more depth, pointing out that the Numbers gangs have always had huge respect for education, and that no person in their right mind would trust any simple task in the high-risk crime world to someone with what is not even a minimalist qualification

“Think about it: we run multimillion rand smuggling, drug and racketeering operations. There is no margin for error, no room for mistakes. If someone can’t finish a Matric Maths exam and can barely scratch by in Maths Lit, how can we trust them to count out our blood money, or work out how much flour and talcum powder to cut into the cocaine and heroin?”

"Besides," he added, "you can see what no Matric does to a country. Those okes are right: it's blerrie going to the blerrie dogs, man."

Experts have since agreed wholeheartedly with the gangs’ statements.

“If we look at gang culture, most people would think they’re a bunch of uneducated psychopaths with massive drug addictions and their shorts five inches too low,” said Head of the Anthropology Department at the University of Cape Town, Di Aspora. “But really, you would actually need tertiary education to succeed in this lifestyle. You need a master’s level understanding of economics to understand the fluctuations of supply and demand and how international drug busts and police action affect product quality, supply and price; you need sociology to know how the groupings work and who not to ‘diss’; you need physics and anatomy to know where to shoot a guy to kill him instead of making another 50 Cent; and you need language and linguistics to be able to understand exactly which words to use to describe how much of a trippin’ skank-ass bitch that nasty trick hoe is.”

In light of this controversy, the Department of Education has announced plans to “modernise and reboot” exams to be more culturally and socially relevant.

“Look at the old exams: ‘if John has R128 and apples cost R8, Oranges cost R12 and bananas cost R4, what is the optimum ratio of fruit he can get to maximise his expenditure?’ I mean, who the hell ever thinks like that in a shop?” said Head of the DOE Noah Bhooks. “This makes far more sense: ‘Those motherfuckin’ balla tricks from the 26s have cut in on your turf. If a dime of coke sells R800, and you and your 7 homies can move 5 keys a week, and an illegal assault rifle costs R3000 with bullets at R4 a pop, how many days of dope pushing will it take to make back your losses AND clean out your tuft of those bitch-ass punks, assuming they are undercutting you at R600 a dime and that it takes a full mag to cut down each of the 42 invading foo’s?’”

Teachers and community leaders everywhere have praised the move.

”Lots of people attack and undermine what studying to be a gangster, saying it’s easy and a waste of time,” said local resident Jerry Hatrick. “Kinda like a BA. However, at least with this, my kid will make lots of money instead of being perpetually broke, have excellent employment opportunities and great upward mobility, and sell drugs instead of taking them at trance parties to ‘experiment and gain a deeper understanding of the human condition.’”

However, the DOE was quick to reassure those without a Matric or formal education who still want to be a part of an organised crime syndicate that they can still apply for a position in the Cabinet of Ministers or their local municipality.

Muse and Abuse donates laptop, hard drives, passports to local charity

In a surprise move at the Thursday 2O March Milner Street giveaway charity bonanza, held during broad daylight at exactly 1:10pm, Muse and Abuse's chief writer, reporter and Editor Matthew "Not actually that funny" de Klerk donated most of his prized possessions, including keys, a watch, a laptop and three hard disks containing the only backups of his four years of University work, newspaper articles and personal writing, music and photographs, to two men (who clearly wished to remain anonymous) from a Charity for struggling Probably Ex Convicts.

Muse and Abuse now joins over 400 other donors since January of this year who have donated their laptops, wallets, iPods, mobile phones, cash, and other easily-hockable and valuable items to similar charities in Grahamstown. Like Muse and Abuse, many of these donors also stored the charity donations in locked, secured and alarmed houses shortly before the handover.

The recipients of the items were endlessly happy.

"We could not be more pleased," they said probably over a beer gloating to friends at the ease of the charity giveaway. "Even though we probably live in squalor or desperate socioeconomic circumstances that force us to accept such donations."

The Charity Drive, which probably took no more than a few minutes, was joined several minutes later by members of both the Grahamstown South African Police Service and Hi-Tech Security, who called the event, "Business as usual", before adding that there was "an almost zero percent chance" that the satisfied customers would bring the items back for a refund or whatever.

"Students are just so generous and giving in our town," said Captain Howard Ahrwelukin and Sergeant Noah Tardat-Hall.

De Klerk, however, was just glad he could do his part.

"Most people might think me bitter," said the esteemed writer and philanthropist. "Most people would think me angry. Most people would think me disappointed. And in fact, most people would be absolutely fucking correct."

Those looking to make a donation should adopt a laissez-faire attitude toward personal security, or live on Milner Street.