We need Free Education now - or we are all screwed

The Issue of Free Education has swept like a blaze - both literally and figuratively - across our nation's campuses. Citing the high cost of education in South Africa, students have taken to the streets with placards to demand that universities be open and free - but these protests often spark riotous outburst, shocking violence, and massive damage to our tertiary institutes. Here, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen puts forward a powerful and unconventional argument in favour of delivering every single one of the protesters demands. We think you'll agree.

The past few months on South African campuses have been tumultuous indeed. From Wits and UKZN to Rhodes and UCT, students have flocked en masse to the streets and lecture halls, demanding one simple thing: Free Education.

And yet, many of you (my Dear Readers) are vehemently opposed to this! You flock to social media and huddle in your racist echo chambers muttering trite things about the economy and having meaningless discussions about things as trivial as “long-term sustainability”, “limited funding” and “where the hell is this massive amount of money going to come from?”

However, my dear friends, I believe that there is a very powerful case to be made for universal, free and open tertiary education. It’s not even a case of “can we even do it without destroying our economy”; it’s a case of we must do it ASAP.

Not to address the historical inequalities of our country or deliver on the vague promises of ’94, ’07, ’09 and ’13. Not to restore dignity and parity and to give the poorest an opportunity to improve their lives. And no, not even to create an educated, progressive society that will one day contribute heavily in graduation tax and higher personal taxes (à la Denmark et Germany et Sweden et al) to others who want to benefit from the same free education they did.

No. We need to give them free education because, if we don’t, we are all fucked.

Ask yourself, which is more important: not having to pay an extra 15% tax in your business and personal declarations, or bringing enlightenment and critical thinking to someone who has such a puerile, myopic understanding of the economy, budgetary limitations, and finances?

How can you look at campuses - at the burning Jammie buses, the torched buses at Wits, the charred husks of cars at UKZN – and not see that these people need to read a fucking book as quickly as possible? How can you stand there and watch works of art being piled up and incinerated at UCT, read reports of staff, admin and VCs being harassed and held hostage, and browse photos of law libraries, coffee shops, theatres, and IT buildings being burned to the ground, and not realise that we need to get some fucking knowledge into their brains as soon as is humanly feasible?

How do you – Dear Reader – sit there in your mansions of privilege and greed watching Youtube videos showing protestors expelling parents and stakeholders from meetings because of their race - and NOT recognise the need for free, great education for these screaming buffoons?

Time and time again, illegal, illogical or infeasible demands are made by protestors, asking for free food and accommodation, asking that we abandon Western scientific disciplines, or demanding university staff be forced to donate their salaries or that landlords be forced to rent out their properties at a controlled amount, and you want to remain totally blind to the desperate need this country has for education?

How can you sit there on social media, scrolling past the contempt for and silencing of student media on campuses, the pages and pages of cult-like misinformation, propaganda, fear-mongering and hateful paranoia, not once think “I should be there, on the frontline, fighting to get these kids into the best classroom in the world!”?

Of course, it’s so, so easy for you to retort, “But where will the money come from?” This just shows you all the propaganda you’ve been swallowing.

This protest is being led by some of the finest financial and economic minds of our time. There are hundreds of MA and PhD students in those masses, making informed, rational suggestions. Since day one, there has been a clear and reasonable plan to show where all the billions of rand a year will come from – you just haven’t read it because you’re a racist.

Firstly, we’ll increase taxes by 15%. You know, above the tax increments already outlined in the National Budget '17/'18. It’s not like businesses will respond to this by putting up their prices of basic goods and services, thus negating the increases.

We’ll double the National Budget spending on education, up all the way to 100%. The national budget only pays for stupid things anyway, like the military. It’s not as if our national coffers are put towards Public healthcare, grants and welfare, or social services.

Besides this, we’ve all seen the damning financial documents from Rhodes. Not only will providing free internet, free food, free transport, free accommodation, a team of hundreds of admin staff and lecturers, and access to international academic platforms and libraries cost absolutely nothing, but all universities have literally trillions of Rands just lying around.

In any case, you have to ask yourself this frightening thought: what happens if we don’t give them the education they want so badly?

With just a shitty Matric and no other meaningful qualifications (coupled with irrationality and anger) they could easily become a policeman, or a Member of Parliament, or hell, the next President of South Africa. If you think they’re dangerous and destructive now, just imagine them with powers of law, or control over the financial reserves, or responsibility for the running of the country!!!

Next time you’re about to criticise this student movement, just take a moment to look across that crowd and ask yourself: “Do I want one of these people to be the next Hlaudi, the next Motshekga, the next Bheki Cele, or – god forbid – another Jacob Zuma?!”.

We need free education now, or we are all screwed.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Schools to introduce McDonalds courses in program

Citing the rich potential of future employees contained within high schools' halls, fast food chain McDonald’s has today announced that the introduction of school classes aimed at preparing children for their inevitable careers in the below-living-wage service industry.

”When you look at the majority of kids in our secondary schools who are just coming to the age where they can seek employment in any number of dead-end jobs with limited wage and upward mobility, you can see this move, much like these kids, is a no-brainer,” said CEO of McDonalds, Lex Ploytew.

“Little to no effort in class, unfocused or apathetic attitudes towards their own enlightenment and self-betterment, no special interests or passions outside of TV and social media, the inability to converse beyond basic Neanderthalic grunts? We need to develop all of this amazing cashier, fry-boy potential to its fullest extent!”

Since the introduction, other Fast Food outlets and service industry competitors have praised the move and voiced support for it.

“Who knows, we could even find the next CEO of KFC among these kids,” said CEO of KFC May Kewfatta. “They all show a natural aptitude for not giving the tiniest shit about other people or the work they do, and are utterly self-absorbed, so they seem to have all the makings of upper-level company management. Hell, half of these entitled little shits might even be able to compete with my son for the position.”

According to the course creators, the program will cover basic skills required for this line of work.

“We will of course, include basic language skills and mathematical literacy as a part of their preparation,” they said. “I mean, without a sound knowledge of the founding principles of arithmetic and linguistics, how will you be able to know how much a Quarter Pounder, Fries, Large Soda and a Number Seven Combo Meal costs, or how to ask if they’d like it Supersized?”

This is not the first time McDonald’s has taken an interest in education, after they introduced a series of libraries and art galleries in 2012.

Teachers have wholeheartedly welcomed the move, saying there is a great number of pupils it appears perfectly suited to.

“Just take a look at Billy. He’s super popular in class. Talkative and a natural joker – obviously the class clown – he always has a knee-slapper tucked away to shout out when I'm trying to teach something, no matter what the class is doing, be it written work or reading comprehension exercises. In many ways, he’s the perfect applicant for the restaurant. In fact, I’ll probably visit McDonalds every single day just so I can watch him fulfill his purpose in life."

"The little gap-toothed fuck," she added.

And parents couldn't be more pleased.

"Little Johnny is such a self-entitled, mean-spirited, selfish little bastard," said parents Jake and Amy Henderson. "We're glad someone is willing to sacrifice their time and energy to make sure he gets a job befitting his talents. I mean, for a moment there, we were worried he'd become a Member of Parliament."

"Dream of free education finally realised” says protester standing in university ruins

Astounding student victory celebrations light up radioactive crater where university halls and lecture venues once stood

Celebrations are rocking the UCT ruins today, after protesters and students announced the realisation of their dream of free university education for all. According to eyewitnesses on the ground, protesters have been flocking to the desolate lecture buildings and art-stripped residences to celebrate the stunning achievement.

“Finally we will get the education we all fought so hard for,’ said one student speaking from the crumbled smoking ruins of the UCT admin building. “Once upon a time, these halls teemed with students who paid to receive one of the finest educations in the entire continent. Those days are over.”

The student, 19-year-old sociology major Ray Kingball, explained why this single goal was so important.

“Accessible education is something everyone needs,” he explained. “There is nothing we wouldn’t do in our campus protests to realise that dream. Torch busses; demolish the residences; hell, even burn down the library: that’s how serious we are about winning this fight for a quality education for all and a better tomorrow.”

And despite public outcry over their methods, student protest leaders have echoed Kingball’s sentiments.

“Some people say ‘but don't the destruction of valuable resources and infrastructure and the defacement of buildings actively contribute to the already awful education crisis in South Africa’, but they don’t get it,” said student activist and bonfire enthusiast Bernadette Nophies. “Only violence solves these issues – history has shown us that Martin Luther King and Mandela had to destroy everything and enact daily acts of aggression and violence to enact sweeping changes to their country’s oppressive systems.”

“I mean, how could anyone forget the 80s and 90s when all those gay people tore down crosses, burn bibles by the dozen and torched churches so that they could have equal access to marriage?”

“We will not stand this oppressive violent system anymore,” she said, tossing a petrol bomb into the Vice Chancellor’s office. “Violence should be destroyed with extreme prejudice.”

Despite yearly cuts to funding and subsidies, as well as government pressure sto continue yearly growth at 10% per annum, VC’s and university officials are assureing students that the money situation should not even be thought of.

“Yes, everyone’s asking how we’ll ever be able to pay for journal subscriptions, upkeep and maintenance, proposed expansions to meet growing student numbers, wages and salaries for staff and lecturers, and still also give out research grants, bursaries and scholarship opportunities as well as financial assistance, but students shouldn’t worry,” said the new VC in charge, Eric Sanders. “We’ve heaped some fertilizer onto the campus money tree, and the campus money printing press has had its dial turned up to 11, so it should all be good.”

Students have gathered at the Main Admin Block (pictured)
to celebrate their stunning achievement. 

However, students remain opposed to the movement.

“Violence is laaike never the answer, charna,” said TUKS BA Fingerpainting student and rugby spectator Ekvil Moerem, “It doesn’t matter if it’s educations, or paintings, or busts of historically progressive figures – you know, anything what isn’t rugby. What they need to learn is that Nothing will ever be resolved by devolving into violence and destruction.”

And it’s a lesson Moerem believes they will learn.

“Even if we – or the police – need to beat that lesson into them.”

Black privilege: South Africa’s dark secret

We’ve all heard about white privilege – but how many of us know about how black people unfairly benefit from their skin colour? Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen shines a light of truth on this phenomenon that many will refuse to admit exists.

My fellow South Africans, there is a troubling part of our society that none of us ever acknowledge or talk about. Right at the middle of the centre of our country’s core, there is a phenomenon that many will try to tell you is “absurd” or “totally misinformed and misguided” to talk about.

Black Privilege.

Now, we’ve all heard about White Privilege. It’s boring. It’s old. It’s not even worth talking about any more. It doesn’t even exist – some people say that my skin colour gives me unearned benefits and privileges. But this just isn’t true. Every day when I came into work at my father’s company (this was just after I’d finally finished my degree after switching courses three times at UCT and I’d turned down several other job offers and taken up my dad’s offer) my pa would tell me “Johan, lots of people will think you’re going to become the General Manager here in three years’ time because you’re my son, or because you’re white, or even both.”

I knew then that I had to work extra hard to make sure my rightful place wasn’t given to some random. My whiteness disadvantaged me. Every day, I set the alarm on my iPhone 6 half an hour earlier. Every day, I ate low-fat organic yoghurt with a quick smoothie when everyone else was having their morning fry-up. Every day, I made sure I was out my four-bedroom apartment and in my Audi in N7 traffic before everyone else. Every day I had to make it look like I was working harder than everyone else, even when I wasn’t.

It was exhausting. It was difficult.

But I did it. I managed to excel despite my skin colour.

But Universities and so-called “academic thinkers” will never admit this simple truth to you: there are certain unspoken social and economic privileges that black people get and white people don’t just because the system favours black skin.

Ready to have your mind blown?

#1: Black people can make black people jokes

Let’s look at so-called “comedians” like Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. If they make jokes about black people it’s “hilarious”. But if I tell a real knee-slapper about Phineas walking into a bar and asking for a job, it’s “racist” and “disgusting”.

I’ve spoken about this hypocrisy before.

It’s “racist as hell” when I apply half a tin of Kiwi shoe polish onto my cheeks and put on a pair of overalls, but when little boys paint their faces in disgusting ‘whiteface’, it’s “their culture” and a “Xhosa rite of passage to finally becoming a man”.

Hell, I can’t even use the word ‘n*****r’. I can’t even say it aloud, or even explain to you what word that is that I’m hiding behind stars. I have to say, like, “the N-word”. I can’t tell you how oppressive it is to have to go “uh” or “mmm” or make a strange bleeping noise during my favourite N****rs With Attitude song.

#2: Black people get jobs easily

This is the ugliest part of it. If I want to get a job, I have to work hard for years and years at a high-grade private school and with my private weekend tutors so that I can get a good chance to get into UCT or another tertiary institute. Then, I have to ask my parents for tens of thousands of Rands just to get my Master’s degree and then, even after all this, I still have to put in at least two years, bare minimum, at my father’s company just to make it onto the Board of Directors as a lowly Chief Manager of National Divisions' Procurement.

But look at our President or a lot of politicians. They didn’t get their Matric, and some of them even failed Woodwork, and they’re all employed.

“Oh, Johan,” I hear you rascal ‘intellectuals’ and ‘academics’ retort, “this is aimed at addressing the inequalities of the past. Black people used to suffer disadvantage because of their skin colour, so it’s an attempt at social justice.” And I reply: thank you for proving my point. You’re saying they get jobs because they are black. Checkmate.

#3: Black people get social benefits

Today, all across South Africa, thousands of black and coloured people have access to government RDP housing, government healthcare, and unemployment benefits. But just because most white people I know have homes and jobs and money and health insurance, does that mean that they should suffer this ugly system of reverse racism? Whatever happened to the vision of true equality that Nelson Mandela had for us all? If I want Comprehensive International Platinum membership Full Cover with Cashback guarantee after six years and no limits of hospital or doctor choice, I have to pay thousands of Rands for it. This is disgusting. I believe in equal opportunities for all, regardless of your skin colour or how many thousands of rand you earn per month.

#4: Black people get automatic sympathy

We all know that our local media is a sick-lie-birthing nest of incestuous, revolting snakes writing in pools of their own corrupt, foetid shit, but what we never talk about is how much it prefers stories about black people. Every time there’s a shooting or tragedy or political scandal involving black people, you’ll guarantee that they’ll have front page coverage every single time without fail. But if a white guy commits a crime, for him to get attention he has to shoot his model girlfriend and be handicapped - and even then, all he gets his is own channel on DSTV.

Where is the extensive coverage of the billions of white lives lost just this year alone in farm murders in South Africa? Where was the six-page analysis of beloved artists like Steve Hofmeyr having their constitutionally-enshrined Freedom of Speech violated on Twitter?

This might sound like I’m repeating myself, but if a black person says a white oke called him a K-bomb (oh look! Another word white people arent’ allowed to use! Doesn’t this censorship make you feel sick?!) everyone will believe him, but if I say that a Muslim oke is going to blow up a plane, or a Romanian is going to steal my job, or that suspicious black guy in my gated community is doing reconnaissance to rob me blind, it’s “racial stereotyping” and “terribly racist”.

#5: Black people get justice

Every day we see scores of black families see justice. People who rob them or murder their family members are thrown straight in jail, often without any real trouble or controversy or even a lawyer to play lawyer tricks. That's true justice.

But where was the justice for Reeva Steenkamp’s family? You see how the system favours giving speedy, same-day justice to black families, but not to white families.

I’m going to stop now, but I think we can all agree that I’ve only revealed the head of the ugly three-kilometre snake. I look forward to the day that we all receive true equality – black or white. Previously Disadvantaged or Currently Disadvantaged.

If you want to read how to reach this futuristic utopia, perhaps you, too, should vote ANC, like me.

Government begins campaign to improve graffiti

Bad graffiti and the defacement of public property has long been a stain on our society, but finally the Department of Education is striking back. Today, the Minister of Education has announced a much-needed injection of almost 3 billion Rand into South African schools, aimed at improving students’ grammar and punctuation so that, “at the very least, our schools will be vandalised and defaced in an educated and correctly-spelled manner.”

“Have you seen some of our students’ tags and ‘art’?” asked the Minister at a press conference in Pretoria. “I mean, Jake waz heer? Blu Klan Gang 4 lyf? Have we so failed our children that they can’t even deface public property in a respectable, grammatically sound way? They say ‘fuk da police’, but why? We hope that this new boost will enable our children to at least have an empirically-based and nuanced critique of our problematic police force and why, exactly, we should ‘fuk’ them.”

The cash boost follows on the heels of a damning study commissioned by the Institute of Public Art, which recently found that a “made-up but very high” percentage of gang-affiliated graffiti contained innumerable spelling, grammar and punctuation errors.

“While this widespread creativity and love of art is a sign of promise in the next generation,” said the sixty-page report, “their inability to differentiate between ‘to’, ‘too’ and ‘two’, or ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, or even ‘were’, ‘we’re’ and ‘where’, is something that needs to be immediately addressed.”

This isn't the first time South African education has been drastically altered to suit contemporary trends, and despite government officials remaining obstinate that "a Matric isn't easy", teachers have embraced the new introductions.

“The system of basic education is failing many thousands of little obnoxious shits I’m legally obliged to call ‘students’,” said a High School maths teacher in Kwazulu-Natal. “If we don’t do something now, we’ll forever be doomed to see ‘fuck’ spelt without the ‘c’ on our trains, buildings and public spaces.”

The new educational fund is also aimed at improving students’ limited or incorrect knowledge of human anatomy as depicted in erroneous and crude tags.

“Most graffiti pictures of genitalia are not anatomically correct,” said one biology teacher. “For example, most crudely sprayed penises on industrial buildings disregard the usual kinks, bends and demographically relevant size proportions of the average male; the same can be said for roughly painted breasts or hastily tagged vaginas. They are just in no way indicative of real breasts, and don’t convey even half the complexity or sophisticated anatomical structures of the female reproductive organs.”

Government opinion remains divided on the matter, with some claiming that "education is not in a crisis in South Africa" and others admitting that education in South Africa would be "a terrible idea", but at the end of the day, the decision has excited great number of school kids.

“I’ve already been working on a new series of tags,” said a grade-ten learner. “I think it’s gonna blow people away.”

Artists depiction: before education program.

Artist's depiction: after education program.

Pics: Grafitti, Matthew de Klerk. Wall (both edits): Creative Commons.

Asian schoolchild drops out to complete maths doctorate

Citing his inability to grasp basic concepts that his classmates have already mastered for months now, School Administrators at the Xin-Xu Juan Middle School in Beijung, China, have today announced their reluctant decision to temporarily expel eight-year-old Xiang Luan and send him on a remedial catch-up maths camp at Harvard University’s Department of Advanced Theoretical Mathematics.

“He’s been falling behind his classmates for some time now,” said class teacher Lu Shao. “It’s all that Grade 8 Master’s violin and Grandmaster Chess that he’s been spending his idle time on. If he’d focussed more, it wouldn’t have had to come to this repeating a year.

The Headmaster now hopes that the course at Harvard will help young Xiang to revise basic concepts covered in their lower grades so that he can one day re-join his classmates.

“It shouldn’t take him too long I hope,” said seven-year-old classmate Jiang Xu-bai (BSC, MA, PhD). “Hopefully we’ll see him for the start of the new year in January.”

This is just the latest in a string of controversies in the Chinese education sector. Earlier in May of this year, a scathing educational report found that over 70% of Chinese school children aged six and below had the mathematical abilities of only a 25-year-old American graduate.

“Our school system has taken a huge knock in the past couple of years,” said Chinese Minister of Education Byang Bai-Li. “Some of our middle-school entrants can’t even compete against their 28-year-old American counterparts.”

In any case, Luan’s parents say that young Xiang should graduate summa cum laude by November at least, making him eligible to go into grade 10 next year.

“We just hope that this minor setback and waste of a year redoing his childhood tutoring won’t knock his self-confidence too much.”

Gangsters protest school dropouts

Reacting to what it has called “an unfair, hurtful and biased knee-jerk response”, the notorious 28s gang of Cape Town has today protested against the terrible state of education in South Africa, calling on all 12-to-18-year-olds to stay in school and complete their education.

“We have a terrible rep’ in the media,” said 28s gang leader Slevin Tymsfore. “All these community members are attacking us, saying kids are dropping out to join us and that we’re destroying children, their future and our communities. But ask yourself – who the hell would want a kid with no Matric working for them?”

He explained in more depth, pointing out that the Numbers gangs have always had huge respect for education, and that no person in their right mind would trust any simple task in the high-risk crime world to someone with what is not even a minimalist qualification

“Think about it: we run multimillion rand smuggling, drug and racketeering operations. There is no margin for error, no room for mistakes. If someone can’t finish a Matric Maths exam and can barely scratch by in Maths Lit, how can we trust them to count out our blood money, or work out how much flour and talcum powder to cut into the cocaine and heroin?”

"Besides," he added, "you can see what no Matric does to a country. Those okes are right: it's blerrie going to the blerrie dogs, man."

Experts have since agreed wholeheartedly with the gangs’ statements.

“If we look at gang culture, most people would think they’re a bunch of uneducated psychopaths with massive drug addictions and their shorts five inches too low,” said Head of the Anthropology Department at the University of Cape Town, Di Aspora. “But really, you would actually need tertiary education to succeed in this lifestyle. You need a master’s level understanding of economics to understand the fluctuations of supply and demand and how international drug busts and police action affect product quality, supply and price; you need sociology to know how the groupings work and who not to ‘diss’; you need physics and anatomy to know where to shoot a guy to kill him instead of making another 50 Cent; and you need language and linguistics to be able to understand exactly which words to use to describe how much of a trippin’ skank-ass bitch that nasty trick hoe is.”

In light of this controversy, the Department of Education has announced plans to “modernise and reboot” exams to be more culturally and socially relevant.

“Look at the old exams: ‘if John has R128 and apples cost R8, Oranges cost R12 and bananas cost R4, what is the optimum ratio of fruit he can get to maximise his expenditure?’ I mean, who the hell ever thinks like that in a shop?” said Head of the DOE Noah Bhooks. “This makes far more sense: ‘Those motherfuckin’ balla tricks from the 26s have cut in on your turf. If a dime of coke sells R800, and you and your 7 homies can move 5 keys a week, and an illegal assault rifle costs R3000 with bullets at R4 a pop, how many days of dope pushing will it take to make back your losses AND clean out your tuft of those bitch-ass punks, assuming they are undercutting you at R600 a dime and that it takes a full mag to cut down each of the 42 invading foo’s?’”

Teachers and community leaders everywhere have praised the move.

”Lots of people attack and undermine what studying to be a gangster, saying it’s easy and a waste of time,” said local resident Jerry Hatrick. “Kinda like a BA. However, at least with this, my kid will make lots of money instead of being perpetually broke, have excellent employment opportunities and great upward mobility, and sell drugs instead of taking them at trance parties to ‘experiment and gain a deeper understanding of the human condition.’”

However, the DOE was quick to reassure those without a Matric or formal education who still want to be a part of an organised crime syndicate that they can still apply for a position in the Cabinet of Ministers or their local municipality.

Most wizards “horribly underprepared” for normal society

A new study co-released by the Ministry of Magic’s Departments of Education and Statistics has shocked the wand-wielding world this morning, after it unleashed a scathing indictment of Schooling for Witchcraft and Wizardry, saying that the mostly magic-focussed schooling system leaves almost 90% of young wizards “horribly unprepared” for normal and everyday society.

According to the study, many famous institutions, such as Hogwarts School, focus too much on “arcane and not-that-useful subjects such as Potions, Alchemy and Defense Against the Dark Arts” and entirely leave out vital fields of study such as languages, mathematics, statistics, geography, politics, and sexual education.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Minister of Magic Neville Shortbottom. “Our schools teach skills that you might use once or twice in your life, like Alohamora or Expecto Patronum and yet they teach you nothing about basic addition or subtraction, calculus, grammar or spelling. Many say, ‘oh, but we have magic for that,’ but what if you’re out in the Muggle world or don’t have your wand?”

This isn't the first criticism of the Wizarding world's governance, legislation, social bounds and norms and general normalised societal conventions. In early 2011, the Wizard world was accused of being a "racist, almost Apartheid-like separation of races, magic and non-magic, which revels in secrecy, discrimination, technophobia and incredibly dangerous and unnecessary inventions", such as the ridiculous risky game of Quidditch, and prisons full of dangerous sorcerers guarded by horrific soul-sucking demons (which are then posted to guard schools).

However, this is just the beginning of scandalous findings against the Magic world’s schooling system, after a seven-book report, published by Rowling, J et al exposed the horrific dangers that school-going wizards face on a daily basis.

This report, which focused mostly on Hogwarts School, showed how schools have declined under the headmastership of noted wizards, such as maybe-homosexual-maybe-not Albus Dumbledore.

“Hogwarts in particular was a real shock to all parents,” said Head of The Association for Schooling Safety, Mandy Castmoore. “We found that in many cases, there had been no rigorous HR-approved hiring policy or system of controls, background scrutiny or checks and balances for employing new teachers, often hiring dangerous and entirely unqualified madmen and servants of the Dark Lord himself as educational instructors and professors. The school grounds and classrooms are filled with deadly poisons and vicious animals, and there were no Emergency Medical Services available during any of the Quidditch Matches, which were often played in lightning and rain. Add to this the fact that some idiot thought it would be a good idea to let walking undead Soul-Vacuum-cleaners prowl around the campus on the flimsy basis of ‘security’, and you have yourself a ticking timebomb.”

Wizards who have been through the schooling system are reportedly already feeling the brunt of this ruinous education system.

“This guy walked into my shop the other day and bought a chocolate frog for 32 Knuts, a bag of unicorn hair and serpent’s venom for 53 Sickles, and a new wand for 6 Galleons 82 Sickles. When he asked me how much I owed him, I had no clue,”said shop owner Eric Mandelson. “When I admitted it to him and asked him if he knew, he said no, and we just stood there awkwardly. I don’t even have a calculator spell. I know Muggles have machines and 'apps' to prevent this problem, but even if I had one I wouldn’t know how to use it.”

The Ministry is reportedly now looking at improving wizards' and witches' education by replacing "arcane and outdated subjects", such as Divinity and Levitation, with more modern fields of study such as Maths, Physics and Language studies.

"We're excited," said Minister Shortbottom. "This will be a Patronus of knowledge right up the arse of the Dementor of ignorance."

Angie Motshekga – Matric is “not that easy”

The government has struck back at critics of the Education System and the Department of Education this morning, after a statement released by somehow-still-Minister for Basic Education Angie Motshekga and signed by almost 100 Members of Parliament declared that “Matric exams aren’t easy” and that “we’d know, because we tried to do one.”

“Everyone is criticising it, saying it’s simple, it’s too easy, that the standard of education is falling quickly, but it really isn’t,” said Motsekga at a press conference in Johannesburg today.

Many MPs have agreed, having taken the exam themselves.

“The first question was quite challenging, but I eventually figured it out after maybe fifteen minutes of thought,” said Minister of Agriculture Lander Eforme. “But after I wrote down my name in that first blank, I realised that being asked my name isn’t actually a part of the question paper - and then I couldn’t go past the real Question One, which was something about two numbers and a small cross between them. I put my head in my hands and looked around Parliament at everyone else’s anxious, confused faces and thought, ‘Jesus, what are these hieroglyphics? Have we done this in class?’”

Minister Motshekga has slammed criticism of Matric,
saying, "Me, Malema, Zille and Zuma all agree - that's
seventeen people who prove my point."
pic:Flickr, Governmentza

According to Motshekga, 100% of the MPs who sat the exam failed to get over the minimum 33% pass mark, proving that the exam isn’t as easy as many claim.

“These critics, people like Johnathan Jansen, they are wrong about the exams,” she said, “and by wrong I mean more wrong that you’re allowed to be to be deemed eligible to get a Matric.”

Though some of the submitted papers did garner a few correct marks here and there, exam markers have now determined this to be “merely coincidental.”

“If we look at the papers themselves, statistically speaking they could only have gotten a few lucky ticks,” said script marker Nawt San-Krosis, “because the ANC just filled in all the (A) and (C) boxes on the multiple choice grids, with Helen Zille and her cadre of counterrevolutionaries filling in all the (D) and (A) choices. COPE and Agang didn’t provide any of their own problems to the solution, but probably just tried to peek over their neighbours' shoulders to steal some answers and points and pretend it was their original thoughts.”

The full results of the experiment, however, are not known.

“We don’t know what how the EFF did, because firstly there aren’t any (E) or (F) choices on the grid, and secondly because they staged a mass walk-out when the Woodwork Exam Question Papers were handed out. “

Despite all this, Motshekga says that she and other Organs of State were not worried by these Parliamentary failures.

“You don’t need a Matric to run a country,” she said. “Just ask Jacob.”

However, to combat possible issues they have announced new legislation and changes in law and education, such as protecting doctors in medical malpractice suits who only get one or two things wrong.

“If he cuts you open, fixes your liver, and then sews you up nicely, but accidentally leaves a box of needles in you, that’s okay, because that’s more than 33% correct.”

Motshekga and her coworkers are also excited to announce a new series of Matric Examination Papers, such as Put The Coloured Blocks In The Right-Shaped Holes and new multiple choice style papers in fitting with today’s high standard of education.

Countrywide protests prove there is no Education "crisis"

Media experts have officially debunked the existence of a so-called “education crisis” in South Africa, after tens of thousands of learners, parents and teachers took to the streets to demonstrate just how much they actually don’t need teachers or a formal education system.

“Despite all the mythical ‘difficulties’ and ‘obstacles’ before them, like ‘no text books’, ‘overcrowded classes’ and ‘a lack of quality teachers or teacher support by government’, all these hundreds and hundreds of people managed to organise themselves into a decent demonstration complete with handcrafted placards that had not even a single spelling mistake or grammar error in them,” said media analyst Jeremy Maggs. “I think we can all see how everyone is blowing this ‘education scandal’ a little out of proportion,” he said, before adding that realistically someone under the so-called ‘crisis’ would probably spell it “teechaz”, “demokracy” or “edukashin”.

Learners turned out in their hundreds in a
Grahamstown education protest to show
how badly they don't need teachers
pic - Joshua Oates

He went on to suggest that school should in future include more formal on-the-street training in all children’s education programs.

“We really should organise more strikes,” he said. “They bring such a sense of community and togetherness. We need to get these children out of the dangerous and overcrowded, underfunded and dilapidated gang- and disease-infested hellholes that the government forces us to call ‘schools’ and into the relatively cleaner, relatively safer streets.”

He expounded on the fallacies that were immediately apparent once you took an in-depth look at reportage on the ‘schools crisis’.

“Here we have one article,” he said, holding up a copy of The Herald, “that says some students say they have classes crammed with over 100 learners. This is definite proof there is no crisis: these kids can count up to 100 and beyond! I know a guy in the gym who breaks down his exercises into four sets of ten because he can’t go past 30.”

“And here,” he said turning to a similar paragraph of lies in the lie factory propaganda The Mail and Guardian, “it says that teachers forged their qualifications and teaching permits to get their jobs. If anything, that makes them overqualified to work in most branches of government.”

Many signs and placards showed off how extra spending
on government schools and education would be wasteful
pic - Joshua Oates

If anything, he concluded, South Africa is in dire need of less education – a promise that the Department of Education has been working tirelessly for years

“We are doing everything we can to make society a better place by eliminating the scourge of education,” said the Department of Education in a statement. “Our pass rate is 30%, we let you fail two subjects, and we have manadatory Life Orientation classes that are basically all about how sex is dangerous and drugs are bad and how you will die if you even think about them. It is only though open-minded, forward-thinking initiative like these – as well as our fitting placement of Angie Motsheka as Minister of Basic Education – that make us what we are.”

Head of the DoE, Kwala Fikayshun agreed.

pic- Joshua Oates

“Right now, we are in the golden age of South Africa,” he said. “We are a world leader in many things. We have the world’s biggest parliament, the world’s richest rich in comparison to our poorest poor, and in terms of education we are beating Angola and Egypt and Honduras! They have all the advantages in the world to beat us in this specific competition, and yet we still outclass them. If we want this legacy of success to continue in years to come, we need to start now.

Those wishing to contribute to the DoE’s plan should forget how to read. Right now, our reporters are doing their bit by forgetting the correct way to go about spelling, grammar and KaoadjfJKbfk29kdhf.

Muse and Abuse would like to thank Joshua Oates of Rhodes University for his photographs of the education protest in Grahamstown

"Education a terrible idea" - Department of Education

Education is a plague that needs to be quickly stomped out, said head officials from the Department of Education this morning.

According to a press release that draws on a study conducted in 1994, education has been at the heart of all social issues since the first democratic ballot was cast.

"Let us just look at the facts," explained head researcher Xthra Polation. "What has education given us after all these years? Strikes, unhappiness, failure, and Matric students filling Friars once a year. Eugh! And that's just the beginning."

Since early 2000, the number of strikes at schools have skyrocketed.

"They shout and protest and make really loud noise in the streets," said Manginga Xolwethlala, a local guy whose name we probably misspelled, but hey, that's what the 'corrections and retractions' section is for. "Education has made them into street-soiling vigilantes."

The Department has also stressed concerns that schools themselves are more like torture camps than places of so-called learning. 

"Some kids in these school have no books, toilets, food, or even roofs or buildings to shelter then from the burning sun and sudden rainstorms. We can't let them live like that. We won't rest until every torture academy is shut once and for all," said head of the Department, Jake Fetchem.
 
The study also points out that many criminals started their insidious careers after just a tiny amount of schooling. According to statistics we just made up right now to sound convincing, half of the criminals caught by the South African Police Service reported having been in school for less than a year before starting their crime streaks.

The department has also stressed health concerns for the youth of South Africa, stating that the study found that almost 95% of teachers in schools have, and regularly use, Visual Aids or Teaching Aids. 

"Our children in these Guantanamo-esque places of so-called 'learning' are subjected to one of these forms of Aids on a daily basis," said Fetchem. The Department reported today that very little is known about these forms of aids by staff and administrators working in its offices. 

The department has since issued a statement advising all learners of the dangers of schooling, saying that there is a wealth of career opportunities on offer for those who escape the evils education, with prestigious titles like "Member of Parliament", "Fry Station Manager" or "Waiter On Minimum Wage Working Two Jobs To Make Ends Meet".

Ex-learners even have exciting opportunities in tenderpreneurship, such as winning R100 million tenders for website design.

You can do this, and get paid R140 million! Hell, I can't make this stuff up.

Government jobs and tenderpreneurship opportunities are just one of the many perks of not being educated.

"Besides, look at the most successful people in our generation," said Fetchem. "Sir Richard Branson dropped out of school, and Einstein failed maths. Even Julius Malema got a GG symbol for woodwork, which, let's just be brutally honest, is embarrassing as all hell. And look at him now!"

According to the DOE, this study was conducted many years ago, but for political reasons has only been published now.

"When we first saw this all those years ago, we knew we had a ticking time-bomb," said Minister of Destroying Education, Mangie Otshekga. Since 1994, the government has been working tirelessly to eradicate the plague of education. "We've done everything we can to beat back this ugly scourge, from making the national pass rate 30%, to creating Life Orientation as a compulsory subject, lol," she said.

However, with academics calling for change and increased spending on Education, the Department has its work cut out for them.

"We're confident that, if current trends continue, by early 2015 people won't even know what 'Bachelor's Pass' means."