Schools to introduce McDonalds courses in program

Citing the rich potential of future employees contained within high schools' halls, fast food chain McDonald’s has today announced that the introduction of school classes aimed at preparing children for their inevitable careers in the below-living-wage service industry.

”When you look at the majority of kids in our secondary schools who are just coming to the age where they can seek employment in any number of dead-end jobs with limited wage and upward mobility, you can see this move, much like these kids, is a no-brainer,” said CEO of McDonalds, Lex Ploytew.

“Little to no effort in class, unfocused or apathetic attitudes towards their own enlightenment and self-betterment, no special interests or passions outside of TV and social media, the inability to converse beyond basic Neanderthalic grunts? We need to develop all of this amazing cashier, fry-boy potential to its fullest extent!”

Since the introduction, other Fast Food outlets and service industry competitors have praised the move and voiced support for it.

“Who knows, we could even find the next CEO of KFC among these kids,” said CEO of KFC May Kewfatta. “They all show a natural aptitude for not giving the tiniest shit about other people or the work they do, and are utterly self-absorbed, so they seem to have all the makings of upper-level company management. Hell, half of these entitled little shits might even be able to compete with my son for the position.”

According to the course creators, the program will cover basic skills required for this line of work.

“We will of course, include basic language skills and mathematical literacy as a part of their preparation,” they said. “I mean, without a sound knowledge of the founding principles of arithmetic and linguistics, how will you be able to know how much a Quarter Pounder, Fries, Large Soda and a Number Seven Combo Meal costs, or how to ask if they’d like it Supersized?”

This is not the first time McDonald’s has taken an interest in education, after they introduced a series of libraries and art galleries in 2012.

Teachers have wholeheartedly welcomed the move, saying there is a great number of pupils it appears perfectly suited to.

“Just take a look at Billy. He’s super popular in class. Talkative and a natural joker – obviously the class clown – he always has a knee-slapper tucked away to shout out when I'm trying to teach something, no matter what the class is doing, be it written work or reading comprehension exercises. In many ways, he’s the perfect applicant for the restaurant. In fact, I’ll probably visit McDonalds every single day just so I can watch him fulfill his purpose in life."

"The little gap-toothed fuck," she added.

And parents couldn't be more pleased.

"Little Johnny is such a self-entitled, mean-spirited, selfish little bastard," said parents Jake and Amy Henderson. "We're glad someone is willing to sacrifice their time and energy to make sure he gets a job befitting his talents. I mean, for a moment there, we were worried he'd become a Member of Parliament."

TV setting unrealistic standards for our children.

The Broadcasting Standards and Complaints Commission of South Africa (BSCCSA) has today issued a scathing indictment of South African digital television service provider DSTV and its aired content, saying that the programs and show content that make up the majority of their viewing schedule are setting “totally unrealistic standards” for the youth of South Africa.

“Just flip on the TV and you’re immediately bombarded by violence and crime or drowned in vapid, celebrity-centred stupidity,” said one concerned parent from the South African Families Association. “It used to be manageable, but now with such a ceaseless flood of these kinds of moronic themes and entertainment values, however will our children even start filling the massive shoes that are being put before them?”

Children everywhere have agreed.

“They’re right,” said ten-year-old Vincent Christians. “Every time I turn on the TV and see Kanye, Jersey Shore or anything on the History Channel, I feel like society expects me to be this ignominious moron who is obsessed with sex and money and fame. I mean, the bar is set pretty low already – I have to write Matric exams, for godssakes – but this is ridiculous. However will I lose my fundamental human respect and dignity and descend into the abhorrent, abyssal chasms of hell from whence these overwhelmingly narcissistic brain-dead fucktards come?”

Girls, too, have shared similar sentiments.

”I’m trying my best,” said teary eyed Jessica Barleson. “I put on makeup and short skirts and try to be as much of a loose skank as possible, but the pressure is incredibly overwhelming. I fear I’ll never become even half the meaningless sex object that society is pushing me to be.”

Meanwhile, the BSCCSA has backed this protest movement 100%, saying children should be exposed to “realistic standards of sex, violence and shallowness”.

”Our young boys across the country couldn’t possibly be this violent or lacking in profundity and reasonable intellect, no matter how much class they skip or how many times they ask bitches to suck their dicks,” the broadcasting standards watchdog said in a statement this morning, “and our nation's sluts and airheads will never be able to stoop to the desperate rape-culture lows that are so widely spread today."

"If we don’t change society so that they can grow up knowing it’s perfectly fine to be only a shallow, self-centred asshole, or just a partially disgusting skank, they risk growing up with all kinds of insecurities and inferiority complexes. We want our children to feel happy saying, 'I'm just a detestable open-legged skank and that's totally alright' or 'I'm only a slightly brain-dead partially sex-obsessed shallow cretin and that's good enough for me.”

However, many parents are fighting the dangerous tide of television influences, and say they are raising their children so that they know they can be whatever kind of narrow-minded stain on humanity they desire.

”I tell our son, ‘my boy, you don’t listen to this TV nonsense. If you feel pressured by society to call a binnet a 'dumb slut whore', it’s perfectly fine to just call her a 'useless bitch',” said Joburg-based father Mike Sogynyst. “I just want to make sure he grows up being true to his own feelings.”