Critic slams ‘mustfall, pro-transformation movements

Various #(Something)MustFall and pro-transformation movements were issued a scathing indictment this morning, after an Area man and member of AfriForum blasted the group’s manifestos as “unnecessary and moot”.

52-year-old Johannes Botha, a passionate builder and online commenter, today slammed the groups in a brutal refutation, citing statistics that show that South African society is “transformed and representative of the demographics of the country”.

“We hear all these ridiculous claims being thrown around that our country, universities, society and the media still have issues of transformation that urgently need to be addressed, but it’s all lies,” he explained, finishing off his last beer and poking the coals of his braai. “But if you just look more closelier at the country, you’ll see I’m right.”

He explained at some length between glasses of Klipdrift.

“Just look at our universities – they are filled with black people! We look at the cleaners and gardeners and people who sweep up the halls and wipe up the vomit from when Johan junior has had a couple too many - and are they white? No! Just because these okes don’t have ludicrous, high-paying jobs from their dads doesn’t mean we can start to pretend they don’t dominate the economy.”

He continued his stunning dissertation, pausing only to check if 49-year-old domestic worker Thembiswa Mhlanga could hear him from the kitchen.

“It gets worse, just look at the townships and – Thembi?! THEMBI?! KAN JY VIR MY HOOR??? - sorry, just look at townships and prisons. These so-called academics and ‘critical thinkers who have studied this problem for many years and in great detail’ say that society is unequal – but blacks are represented more in society than oppressed whites, in places like jails or low-income housing zones. This kind of reverse racism is disgusting.”

“Then we need only look at employment statistics: if you’re a middle-class white person and you want to go work in a low-wage workhouse making Nike shoes and export trinkets for 17 hours a day, guess how much of a chance you have? We need to start admitting that there are just some places where black people have an unfair advantage over us poor whiteys.”

Stopping momentarily to ensure the inter-leading glass door to the servant’s scullery was properly closed and locked, he went on.

“Then there’s the media – I mean come on, black people are in the news all the time! These ridiculous students complain that there is an absence of black voices and stories in the traditional and digital media, and then they get all picky and angry just because a lot of those stories are about crime and corruption?” he brilliantly noted, sotto voce. “Sometimes I look at the country and think that, hell, there’s so much transformations going on it’s laaike flippen’ Michael Bay is the president.”

He shook his head gravely and tutted.

“Me and all my friends – some of my best ones are black, you know? - agree: Nelson Mandinga is probably sitting in a retirement home in Kunu in abject shock at how his rainbow nation is filled with racist ignoramsuses who are completely out of touch with the history, current affairs and problems of our country. For shame!"

TV setting unrealistic standards for our children.

The Broadcasting Standards and Complaints Commission of South Africa (BSCCSA) has today issued a scathing indictment of South African digital television service provider DSTV and its aired content, saying that the programs and show content that make up the majority of their viewing schedule are setting “totally unrealistic standards” for the youth of South Africa.

“Just flip on the TV and you’re immediately bombarded by violence and crime or drowned in vapid, celebrity-centred stupidity,” said one concerned parent from the South African Families Association. “It used to be manageable, but now with such a ceaseless flood of these kinds of moronic themes and entertainment values, however will our children even start filling the massive shoes that are being put before them?”

Children everywhere have agreed.

“They’re right,” said ten-year-old Vincent Christians. “Every time I turn on the TV and see Kanye, Jersey Shore or anything on the History Channel, I feel like society expects me to be this ignominious moron who is obsessed with sex and money and fame. I mean, the bar is set pretty low already – I have to write Matric exams, for godssakes – but this is ridiculous. However will I lose my fundamental human respect and dignity and descend into the abhorrent, abyssal chasms of hell from whence these overwhelmingly narcissistic brain-dead fucktards come?”

Girls, too, have shared similar sentiments.

”I’m trying my best,” said teary eyed Jessica Barleson. “I put on makeup and short skirts and try to be as much of a loose skank as possible, but the pressure is incredibly overwhelming. I fear I’ll never become even half the meaningless sex object that society is pushing me to be.”

Meanwhile, the BSCCSA has backed this protest movement 100%, saying children should be exposed to “realistic standards of sex, violence and shallowness”.

”Our young boys across the country couldn’t possibly be this violent or lacking in profundity and reasonable intellect, no matter how much class they skip or how many times they ask bitches to suck their dicks,” the broadcasting standards watchdog said in a statement this morning, “and our nation's sluts and airheads will never be able to stoop to the desperate rape-culture lows that are so widely spread today."

"If we don’t change society so that they can grow up knowing it’s perfectly fine to be only a shallow, self-centred asshole, or just a partially disgusting skank, they risk growing up with all kinds of insecurities and inferiority complexes. We want our children to feel happy saying, 'I'm just a detestable open-legged skank and that's totally alright' or 'I'm only a slightly brain-dead partially sex-obsessed shallow cretin and that's good enough for me.”

However, many parents are fighting the dangerous tide of television influences, and say they are raising their children so that they know they can be whatever kind of narrow-minded stain on humanity they desire.

”I tell our son, ‘my boy, you don’t listen to this TV nonsense. If you feel pressured by society to call a binnet a 'dumb slut whore', it’s perfectly fine to just call her a 'useless bitch',” said Joburg-based father Mike Sogynyst. “I just want to make sure he grows up being true to his own feelings.”

SRC reopens poster design contest

In a move that has been met with widespread approval, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has today reopened its infamous yearly competition for poster design, also known as an "election".

“Starting today, we’re opening up the competition for entries,” said SRC Competitions Councillor Lota Ree. “We’ve already had three entrants, and the competition is heating up! May the best poster win!”

The competition, which runs every year, judges contestants off a stringent set of criteria. However, the competition completely breaks established convention in that the judges are the students themselves.

Last year saw a flurry of big contenders who really pushed the limits on good design.

"We put all the posters up around campus for a few weeks, clog up their facebook feeds with our designs, and then we have a big campus-wide election voting process where students themselves decide which poster they love best," said Ree.

The competition has, in the past, been marred by low voter numbers. 

"Sometimes we have to run the competition two or three times a year," said Ree.

According to Ree, the panel takes into consideration where the pictures are posted and how many times they are stuck up. 

"The best contenders are often stuck up in the most obnoxious, in-your-face places, with the big-league competitors being pasted up as much as five times in a row. You know, just in case you didn't read the incorrect spellings of 'accountability' and 'Councillor' and how they're the candidate who will change the whole world the first four times," she said.

...by leaving res and resigning.

According to inside information, especially powerful submissions are those that make use of REALLY LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS EVERYWHERE BECAUSE IT REALLY MAKES PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

Our insider, who we made up because we can't be bothered going out on a Saturday and finding real sources to interview, also said that models in suits and short pink dresses pulling sexy or quasi-confident, pseudo-impressive power poses are a powerful tool in the competition.
"The judges also look for certain Key Words, such as 'accountability', 'honesty', 'transparency', 'change' and 'transformation'. Bad spelling and a horrific and utter disregard for grammar is a plus," he said.

Pink worked in 2012 - some students speculate that it'll be just as effective in Round Two. or Three. Or whatever.

The competition will award each of the winners with a slot in the SRC. First prize is the title of Media Councillor, with second and third being awarded Student Benefits and Residences Councillors respectively.

Due to its lack of bright colours, stupid typeface, bold lettering, Key Words, and its usage of clean photo-cropping and good layout, Sekele's poster was immediately discounted from the entries.

Unfortunately, professional designers and design students are not allowed to enter. The posters submitted are also restricted to being made with only Microsoft Paint and terrible Photoshop, with some small allowances for windows word-art and poorly cropped photos.

According to Will Bhevhoting, a first-year Bachelor of Arts student, the decision for this year’s winner is harder than ever. 

“One makes me feel like my eyes have been maced with a mixture razor blades and Autumn Harvest Crackling, and the other makes me want to vomit until I die. They really went all out this time,” he said.

Voting starts next week.

Societies sign-ups a smashing success

Societies sign-ups held on the Rhodes University Great Field last night were a smashing success, says hasn't-resigned-yet SRC Societies Councillor Noah Budgets.

The event saw a host of different societies trying to coax students into joining their ranks, including many newly formed clubs that shamelessly promoted themselves.

One of these new additions was TruthSoc, which is based on giving students the real society experience at a minimal cost.

"We're very excited!" said President of the society Robin Hugh. "When you sign up, we give you a handful of badly designed fliers, a cheap pen and a cupcake. We have big plans for this year: we're going to send too many emails to our members until March, and then fall completely silent and not email a soul. Then, after a few months of buying committee shirts, we'll host one desperate, last-ditch event at the end of the year just before SWOT week. Which is okay, you know, because we'll probably only get our funding then, if last year is anything to go by."

Pictured: a first-year standing between three society booths.

Also new to the scene was the Student Representative Council Society. The club is being introduced for the first time at Rhodes University, and already has a huge number of members. However, this will probably be short-lived, as student political analysts say that most of these members will submit their resignations before the end of the month.

The usual, old-timer societies also showed face at sign-up. One of these was the Hellenic Society. This society has a rich heritage of being the biggest party club on campus Greek culture.

"We have a hectic year ahead of us," said Events Coordinator for the society, Getty Nyadrunc. "For example, we have a few toga parties every now and then, and there's nothing more Roman Greek than a toga. Also, here's a free shot of Zorba. You can't get more Greek than that."

The event did not come without its hitches, however, and for a while during setup, there were fears that the entire evening would collapse.

"Tensions were high," recalls Matthew Johnson, the President of the Society for People Whose Name Starts with an 'M'. "There were fights for spaces and desks and pieces of ground, and there wasn't enough power to go around. It was like post-2000 Zimbabwe, really."

Some societies almost came to blows, until Zimbabwean student Tsvangin Morgirai worked out a power-sharing deal. 

"He came out of nowhere with some 30m extension cables, and everyone was happy," said Johnson. Morgirai is on the committee for a newly formed political society, but they are still arguing the terms of their constitution.

There were also many complaints that the event had been not been held in the Great Hall, because, you know, it was flippin' freezing last night. However, some students thought the decision fitting.

"The stars were out, and there was free wine and delicious cakes being handed out," said first-year Tanya Jameson. "Seeing how in three weeks my dad I will have to pay exorbinant subscriptions, I like to be courted and given gifts before I get screwed."