Bunch of guys protest misandry, "Feminazi agenda"

Today was a marvellous day for anti-feminazi, anti-misandry victims of the endless campaign of hate and intolerance of men perpetrated by women in an oppressive societal matriarchy, said Men’s Rights Activism Group Bros Against Hoes (BAH), after a bunch of guys launched a series of debates discussing their marginalisation in the workplace, rugby field and in society in general.

The debate was launched to counter the “sick lies of the growing liberal Feminazi agenda”, which seeks to destabilise societal harmony and parity by introducing backward and retrogressive legislation ensuring aberrations like “equal pay” and “the right to choose”. According to BAH, this oppressive influence on global media has too long held the reins of the gender debate.

“Just last week they had a massive march and discussion session, with several of their most highly ranking chicks (maybe like a seven out of ten, maybe a high six at least) coming out of the kitchen long enough to jabber on about ‘women are mistreated this’ and ‘women are underpaid that’. What about men, huh?” said BAH head of operations Andrew Genous. “What about our daily suffering?”

According to Genous, no sandwiches were made at the march or discussion seminars.

“We believe that our own debate series has come to the fore just in time,” he said. “Men across the world suffer brutal oppression, and it’s about time we let the limelight expose the true difficulties of being born with a Y chromosome.”

The marches and debate series are poised at a crucial moment in our history, after reports that singer and producer J-Z was allegedly beaten by Solange Knowles (think Beyonce but not famous). "We need to act now," he said. "Every year dozens of men are beaten by their wives, and yet the world and its harps on about the meagre few women who are assaulted by their husbands and boyfriends."

Genous says that the research into the plight of modern men is damning.

“On average, men are forced to earn 17% more than women, even if they don’t want to, and they are subjected to obligatory easy upward mobility in the workplace, being thrust into positions that they might not necessarily want just because of their gender,” he said. “This snatches men away from their beloved smaller jobs and forces them into so-called ‘prestigious’ corporate positions, often with requisite ‘benefits’ like ‘free dental’ and ‘a company car’. These are just sick euphemisms employed by an uncaring, men-hating corporate world trying to hide their gross injustices. Also, no matter what they wear, men very rarely if ever solicit unwanted sexual advances, and if we do choose to have multiple sexual partners, we are branded with demeaning and insulting labels like ‘stud’ and ‘the man.’ It’s disgusting.”

Genous also added that often the discrimination costs men their jobs and livelihoods.

“Every year, dozens of men are discriminated against unfairly in the workplace – men whose only crime is being able to tell really funny jokes or acting slightly overzealous in their appreciation of the women’s junk. In addition to this, if woman goes into a public place such as a school wearing high-heels, make-up and a tight fitting red dress it’s okay, but if a man does it its ‘perverse’ and ‘a sexual offence’.”

Pro-feminist activists have yet to respond to the allegations, merely stating, “Seriously? I mean, seriously?”

Dealers to introduce "ethical and eco-friendly" narcotics

pic: wikimedia commons

Responding to worldwide allegations of murder, torture, kidnapping, assassination, violence and the enslavement of thousands of poor and destitute addicts, leading meth cooks, Colombian drug lords and narcotics suppliers across the globe have announced plans to produce "friendlier, ethical, guilt-free and fair" narcotics.

"The media and governments across the world have given us a really bad rep," said Colombian heroin kingpin Lina de Koka. "Sure, we haven't been blameless, but I've only tortured, beheaded or murdered maybe four dozen times, tops. This is just a way of saying to our very, very loyal customers that we're not the bad guys the newspapers and headlines make us out to be."

De Koka went on to say that this move was a result of their customers' concerns about the product they were buying.

"Every time our users cram their scarred and bleeding nasal cavaties with three grams of Colombian Snow, we don't want them thinking of guilty, awful things like, 'How many poor farmers were exploited at 5c per kilo for this?' or 'How many abused and homeless meth addicts is my part in this cycle really creating?' or even 'How many people are facing life in prison because my demand for this illegal substance and their desperation to just get by is a powderkeg combination?'. We want them to shoot up and feel happy that they're not making the world a worse place."

As such, kingpins and dime-bag dealers in carparks across the world will now be offering (at a marginally higher price, of course) products like violence-free and fair-market cocaine,  war-in-the-Third-World-free and taliban-funding-free Opium, and murder-free and jail-free marijuana.

"Our latest product is Green Coke. It's transported across the continent by bicycle or in the latest Honda Prius. You might also want to check out our new Eco-MDMA: it's not made from the rare oil of the endangered Sassafras tree in Cambodia, but rather synthesised in a lab from other, abundant chemicals. We want our customers to never feel like they're supporting something that's immoral or unethical," said De Koka.

The announcement has been greeted with great enthusiasm by loyal users of hard drugs across the world, who took time out of asking for spare change and offering us all blowjobs for ten bucks to share their thoughts.

"It's great, man. Now, when I go back to my cardboard home after a hard day's begging,  I can sleep comfortably at night, unplagued by nightmarish visions of poor Mexican citizens getting caught in the crossfire," said 31-year-old vagrant and part-time prostitute Joe Blobs. "Now, about that BJ...."

Companies across the world have met this announcement with support, showing their commitment to this inspiring movement by introducing their own ranges of eco-friendly, ethically-produced produces.

"Here we have a new eco-friendly and ethical coke-snorting pipe disguised to look EXACTLY like a ten dollar bill. It's portable, light, easy to roll, and you can hide it in your wallet along with all your real money," said CEO of Paraphernalia Inc. Shu Tinup. "It's now on sale at all major retailers for $19.95.”

However, the announcement has not been without controversy, as some gang lords have resisted the proposed changes.

"So far we've seen a little bit of resistance to this new pardigm," said De Koka, "but every revolution  has its fair share of drive-by shootings and gang-banging. This is just the acceptable cost of business."

He went on to outline, however, that this was just pushing them harder to, er, push the new product.

"They're jealous of this new product and want to stick to the old way of doing things," said De Koka. "All these gang wars and hits on our mid-level mafiosos are a sign. Yesterday, I found my best friend Miguel's head on a stake in my driveway. That just tells us that we must be doing something right."

SRC reopens poster design contest

In a move that has been met with widespread approval, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has today reopened its infamous yearly competition for poster design, also known as an "election".

“Starting today, we’re opening up the competition for entries,” said SRC Competitions Councillor Lota Ree. “We’ve already had three entrants, and the competition is heating up! May the best poster win!”

The competition, which runs every year, judges contestants off a stringent set of criteria. However, the competition completely breaks established convention in that the judges are the students themselves.

Last year saw a flurry of big contenders who really pushed the limits on good design.

"We put all the posters up around campus for a few weeks, clog up their facebook feeds with our designs, and then we have a big campus-wide election voting process where students themselves decide which poster they love best," said Ree.

The competition has, in the past, been marred by low voter numbers. 

"Sometimes we have to run the competition two or three times a year," said Ree.

According to Ree, the panel takes into consideration where the pictures are posted and how many times they are stuck up. 

"The best contenders are often stuck up in the most obnoxious, in-your-face places, with the big-league competitors being pasted up as much as five times in a row. You know, just in case you didn't read the incorrect spellings of 'accountability' and 'Councillor' and how they're the candidate who will change the whole world the first four times," she said.

...by leaving res and resigning.

According to inside information, especially powerful submissions are those that make use of REALLY LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS EVERYWHERE BECAUSE IT REALLY MAKES PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

Our insider, who we made up because we can't be bothered going out on a Saturday and finding real sources to interview, also said that models in suits and short pink dresses pulling sexy or quasi-confident, pseudo-impressive power poses are a powerful tool in the competition.
"The judges also look for certain Key Words, such as 'accountability', 'honesty', 'transparency', 'change' and 'transformation'. Bad spelling and a horrific and utter disregard for grammar is a plus," he said.

Pink worked in 2012 - some students speculate that it'll be just as effective in Round Two. or Three. Or whatever.

The competition will award each of the winners with a slot in the SRC. First prize is the title of Media Councillor, with second and third being awarded Student Benefits and Residences Councillors respectively.

Due to its lack of bright colours, stupid typeface, bold lettering, Key Words, and its usage of clean photo-cropping and good layout, Sekele's poster was immediately discounted from the entries.

Unfortunately, professional designers and design students are not allowed to enter. The posters submitted are also restricted to being made with only Microsoft Paint and terrible Photoshop, with some small allowances for windows word-art and poorly cropped photos.

According to Will Bhevhoting, a first-year Bachelor of Arts student, the decision for this year’s winner is harder than ever. 

“One makes me feel like my eyes have been maced with a mixture razor blades and Autumn Harvest Crackling, and the other makes me want to vomit until I die. They really went all out this time,” he said.

Voting starts next week.

Millions of Americans groan as Obama wins second term

Obama is set to ruin America a second time around.

The United States of America let out a collective groan of disappointment as Barack Obama narrowly beat up-and-coming opponent Mitt Romney by 303 electoral votes to 206 to win his second term in the White House today.

"I'm so disappointed," said one disappointed Republican who was disappointed. "Romney is a red-blooded, rootin' tootin' shootin' god-fearing all-star American. He would have been the best possible thing to happen to our beloved land since George Dub-ya."

Coincidence? I think not.

Second coincidence? I think not (again) - (Gus Fring)

Here are a list of reasons why America has made the biggest mistake since Stars Wars episode 1:

Men's Rights


Barack Obama is set to make massive changes to Men's Rights.

"With Barack in charge, now only women will get to decide what to do with their bodies," said Men's Rights activist Hiya Rhakey. "Now with Mitt gone and Republicans not in central power, most people will never even know the difference between gift-from-God rape, legitimate rape, honest rape, emergency rape, easy rape and forcible rape."

"Romney was planning to change this backwards matriarchal system of oppression that stretches back all the way to 2007 or so. Not just that, but now women won't have to pay for wasteful things like family planning, cervix cancer screening, or birth control. Also, Obama is pro.... dare I even say the word... choice. Eugh. It's like it's the Stone Age all over again," he said.


Health

"I've worked 65 years in this country, and I've been happily retired for 5 years. Now  some smarmy president is telling me that I shouldn't pay every last cent of my own health care? Frankly, it's insulting," said 80-year-old Bill Stoupaye.

Obama's plans also include extending and fixing his beloved "ObamaCare". 

"It's these damn 47% that Romney was warning us about. Living on government handouts. Why don't they just pay the exorbitant, insane medical expenses like everyone else?" said Stoupaye.

Gun control

Obama has even turned his Sauron's eye onto gun legislature, and has suggested not only reinstating the Federal Assault  Weapons ban, but making it permanent.

"How am I supposed to defend my land from... um... stuff, without the ability to spray thousands of rounds per minute at... er.... things?" said 42-year-old retired army sergeant Shu-Tim Hupp.

Obama's plans have also included cutting down the number of guns a civilian can buy, and will also force background checks at gun shows.

"I only have 294 shotguns and 365 semi-automatic handguns, and now I can't get more? ANd having to present identification and wait seven days before buying an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile armed with Multiple Reentry sub-missile and biological warhead launcher with automated satellite tracking and anti-air capabilities is just plain unAmerican," said Hupp.

Currently, the only people who support these measures are pussy liberals and Christopher Nolan.

Religion

"Just look at his second name," screamed one voter. "He's obviously an Al Qaeda sympathiser. And to make things worse, he murdered his own father. No, not the white one. The terrorist one."

Many voters feel that Romney would have bought the influence of the Church strongly back to Congress.

"Obama is all 'secularism this' and 'rationalism that'. Romney knows the truth: that Jesus Christ will reappear on the Mountain of Olives, split it in two to stop that war that's coming to kill all the jews, and then appear in Jerusalem, and that the world is reigned in two places: Jerusalem and  Missouri. He's got his head in the right place," said Simon F. Ikshin of the United New Church of His People's Chosen Few.

"He's gonna promote things like religious tolerance and such mumbo-jumbo-jibber-jabber-bullshit. This is how they take over, you know. From the inside," he continued before boring our reporter to death with his other conspiracy theories (RIP James Irving).

Barack's sick lies are set to taint the White House forever.

Climate change


Critics have also been fiercely opposed to Obama's approach to topics like the environment.

"Now that he's back in Office, people are gonna start thinking that climate change is real and causes things like Hurricane Sandy. The government is gonna start spending money on crazy, paranoid theories of 'Arctic ice-sheet melting'. Romney knows that heat melting ice is just a theory," said Bishop Ian de Neil.

Many businessmen have agreed. 

"My business is heavily dependent on beating the crap out of mother nature. We all know that our planet is a disgustingly dirty cesspit of spiders and all manner of creepy crawlies," said business magnate Nate G. Mann.

Civil Rights
Many homosexual couples across the country have also voiced their distress at the election results.

"Being gay and getting married against the law and infuriating local churches used to be so exciting," said Tim Mansfield, tearing up an American flag by the TV. "By making our marriage legal, he's taking away the excitement of being called a 'Satan-worshiping queer' as we duck rocks and say our vows. It's like he's trying to turn gay marriage into an ordinary, normal marriage. Hell, we're already thinking of a divorce," he said, nodding his head at his partner in the adjoining room.

Jobs.

Business and popular trends analyst Che Kindayta has pointed out the myriad failures of Obama's last term of office. "Sure, he's recovered some 4 million jobs, but he lost the most important Jobs of all: Steve Jobs. Now that he's gone, iPads are getting smaller and more expensive. I think we all know who to blame for that," she said.

Taxes

But shockingly of all, President Obama wants high-income households to pay higher tax rates on income and investments, raising the tax on the three highest-tier levels of income to 36% and 39% respectively.

"He's tried to justify it with such baloney as to help 'reduce' the so-called 'national deficits', and 'to help the country make critical investments' and to 'increase fairness in the tax code'. He's treating us like sub-standard citizens just because we make millions of dollars more than other people," said Bill Gates as he sat feeding $100 bills into his pure-gold fireplace.

Warren Buffet agreed.

"Thanks to this mumbo-jumbo malarkey, next year I'll only be able to upgrade my iPad fifteen times, go on an all-expenses holiday to the Bahamas twice in my private jet, and get my son only a medium-sized island in the Caribbean. It sickens me," he said. "With Romney, the top 5% of the country would have been able to pay the same tax as everyone else. America is a fair, equal, democratic country, god damn it. We're not sure about what the rest of his tax plan would have been, cos, like, he didn't tell us, but we're sure that it would have been much, much better."

Cuts to Defense Budget

With proposed cuts to military spending, many oil-rich countries are set to miss out on their chance at democracy.

According to recent reports, Barack intends cutting military spending and pulling all military presence out of Afghanistan. 

"This is a tragedy," said John Cantdo, a principal and teacher at an Illionois high school.  "Where will all our college drop outs go when they can't get a job or finish their SATs? I mean, there are only so many McDonald's, KFC and Burger King joints in America. Eventually, all the fry stations will be full."
Illionois currently has an almost 12% drop-out rate, one of the highest in the country. 

Many key generals in the US Military have also aired concerns.

"Now we can only take over every country a couple of hundred times instead of a couple of thousand. In his last term of office, he started disarming America's nukes," said Army General O. Cide. "Now we can only completely obliterate the planet until it's an uninhabitable, volcanic wasteland of death, instead of the previous 'turn the earth into a second sun' level of destruction," he said.

This is especially worrying with reports that countries like Iran and China are developing nuclear arms of their own. 

"We've received trustworthy, solid intel that Iran have at least three nuclear bombs. How can we possibly go up against that many bombs? And yes, we really, really mean it this time, cross our hearts, hope to die, Scout's honour: there are WMDs in Iran," he said.

Navy Admiral Flo Tindacy has also claimed that Romney's influence would have secured national security. 

"He planned to spend over $228 billion over the next ten years. Yes, the rest of government would largely have to disappear to balance it out, but this is an issue of National Security, damnnit," she said. "With this kind of cash being spent, world peace would have been assured! Well, that, or we would have an endless supply of oil, and brought democracy to every country on the planet." 

In comparison, Obama's foreign policy has been criticised at every turn.

"America used to be a great, respected, and most of all feared nation. Now people aren't even scared of us. Look at all the threats of invasion we've had in the past few years: Libya, Somalia, and Iraq. It was only because of a few Republican influences in the Cabinet that we did preemptive strikes to quickly incapacitate these world superpowers that threaten American security. It's just typical that he took credit for these invasions," he sneered. 


Analysts have agreed: Barack's foreign policy is a "totally screwed" one. 

"Without Mitt in the office, Iran will definitely use Syria to to get to the Ocean. Mitt has stressed that over and over and over again, at the presidential debate and at many televised interviews, and Obama just doesn't pay attention," said Jame O'Hanasey.  

As you can see, Syria borders Iran, making it the ideal access point to international waters.

"It's Al Qaeda we're talking about. Sure, Iran have direct access to international waters through the Gulf, but they know we're expecting that. We know that they'll try to fool us by transporting their vast armada of two battleships and a frigate through war-torn Iraq, across the desert, and onto the Syrian coastline. Barack just doesn't see that," O'Hanasey continued.

Concession

Mitt Romney, however, has called out to his supporters, saying that he was working on a plan to take it in four years time. 

"I've looked at the electoral map, and I've thought that some votes were unfair. I mean, Hawaii isn't even touching American soil, and New Mexico has the word 'Mexico' in it. Those shouldn't even count as US states," he said in a press statement. 

When asked for comment on Mr Obama winning a second term in office, President Robert G. Mugabe scoffed.

"Bitch, please. Try 27 terms."