Expat missing rude South Africa

Citing the endless and intolerable stream of politesse and good spirit he has experienced from French people since his arrival in the country last year, expatriate and once South African citizen Erik van der Westhuizen said this morning that he “really really misses the fuck-you, cold shoulder attitude of [his] home country.”

“It’s been like this since I got here: just a ceaseless wave of gentility and good manners. On buses, at schools, at markets, in the street – it’s nothing but 'bonjour, Monsieur, comment ca va' this and 'excusez-moi' that and 'merci beaucoup' yada yada. I can’t even buy a packet of ham and a baguette in solitary, lonely, lovely silence without some arsehole greeting me and murping on about “how are you?” and all that shit. It just makes you miss the old days, you know?

Van der Westhuizen says his homesickness extends to many, many sectors of society, including rude shop keepers, unhelpful department officials, and egotisical and lazy police officers.

“The society here just makes no sense. I didn’t lock the door yesterday, and my house wasn't even broken into. Hell, last week one police officer asked me if I was lost, what I was looking for and whether he could help me,” said the forty-eight-year-old South African ex-national. “As if that’s any of his fucking business.”

Government officials and political figures of South Africa have since responded quickly to the reports, saying they are working on alleviating the dreary and depressing feeling of homesickness Van der Westhuizen currently suffers, by making South Africa as “unmissable as possible.”

“We’re really sorry he feels this way, but we want to reassure him that we’re doing everything in our considerable power to make him never feel these terrible sentiments again,” said a spokesperson for the government. “We’ve made fantastic progress already, what with Eskom introducing unwavering load shedding that is only going to get worse, the general decline of confidence in government, our internationally-mocked justice system, and the slow breakdown of social cohesion stemming from reports of racism and racially-motivated attacks."

Government now says that they are mere months from having Van der Westhuizen feeling smug and happy at his decision.

“As we move into Zuma’s next inevitable term despite him lacking the basic qualifications, abilities, intellect and organisational skills to organise a dump in a public toilet, we’re sure he’ll be one of those ‘jassis, but I’m glad I left, have you seen how that blerrie country is going to the blerrie dogs?’ ex-Saffer Australian ex-pats in no time.”

Dealers to introduce "ethical and eco-friendly" narcotics

pic: wikimedia commons

Responding to worldwide allegations of murder, torture, kidnapping, assassination, violence and the enslavement of thousands of poor and destitute addicts, leading meth cooks, Colombian drug lords and narcotics suppliers across the globe have announced plans to produce "friendlier, ethical, guilt-free and fair" narcotics.

"The media and governments across the world have given us a really bad rep," said Colombian heroin kingpin Lina de Koka. "Sure, we haven't been blameless, but I've only tortured, beheaded or murdered maybe four dozen times, tops. This is just a way of saying to our very, very loyal customers that we're not the bad guys the newspapers and headlines make us out to be."

De Koka went on to say that this move was a result of their customers' concerns about the product they were buying.

"Every time our users cram their scarred and bleeding nasal cavaties with three grams of Colombian Snow, we don't want them thinking of guilty, awful things like, 'How many poor farmers were exploited at 5c per kilo for this?' or 'How many abused and homeless meth addicts is my part in this cycle really creating?' or even 'How many people are facing life in prison because my demand for this illegal substance and their desperation to just get by is a powderkeg combination?'. We want them to shoot up and feel happy that they're not making the world a worse place."

As such, kingpins and dime-bag dealers in carparks across the world will now be offering (at a marginally higher price, of course) products like violence-free and fair-market cocaine,  war-in-the-Third-World-free and taliban-funding-free Opium, and murder-free and jail-free marijuana.

"Our latest product is Green Coke. It's transported across the continent by bicycle or in the latest Honda Prius. You might also want to check out our new Eco-MDMA: it's not made from the rare oil of the endangered Sassafras tree in Cambodia, but rather synthesised in a lab from other, abundant chemicals. We want our customers to never feel like they're supporting something that's immoral or unethical," said De Koka.

The announcement has been greeted with great enthusiasm by loyal users of hard drugs across the world, who took time out of asking for spare change and offering us all blowjobs for ten bucks to share their thoughts.

"It's great, man. Now, when I go back to my cardboard home after a hard day's begging,  I can sleep comfortably at night, unplagued by nightmarish visions of poor Mexican citizens getting caught in the crossfire," said 31-year-old vagrant and part-time prostitute Joe Blobs. "Now, about that BJ...."

Companies across the world have met this announcement with support, showing their commitment to this inspiring movement by introducing their own ranges of eco-friendly, ethically-produced produces.

"Here we have a new eco-friendly and ethical coke-snorting pipe disguised to look EXACTLY like a ten dollar bill. It's portable, light, easy to roll, and you can hide it in your wallet along with all your real money," said CEO of Paraphernalia Inc. Shu Tinup. "It's now on sale at all major retailers for $19.95.”

However, the announcement has not been without controversy, as some gang lords have resisted the proposed changes.

"So far we've seen a little bit of resistance to this new pardigm," said De Koka, "but every revolution  has its fair share of drive-by shootings and gang-banging. This is just the acceptable cost of business."

He went on to outline, however, that this was just pushing them harder to, er, push the new product.

"They're jealous of this new product and want to stick to the old way of doing things," said De Koka. "All these gang wars and hits on our mid-level mafiosos are a sign. Yesterday, I found my best friend Miguel's head on a stake in my driveway. That just tells us that we must be doing something right."

Plan to destroy planet "well ahead of schedule"

pic: wikimedia commons

Bankers, Republicans and users of inefficient wall heaters and canned hairspray are reportedly rejoicing after a recent study has shown that the worldwide plan to utterly eradicate all life on planet Earth is "far, far ahead of schedule."

The study by the Harvard Review of Planetoid Desolation reported yesterday that, with current global levels of effort into destroying our planet, the original 1890 plan is many, many years ahead of schedule.

"We've had a massive legacy laid down for us, with people like Thomas Midgely, Jr and his bold and creative new methods for natural destruction, and so the bar has been set really high," said head of the Harvard research team and guy who leaves his geyser on all day Eric Schmidt. "With his CFCs and Lead Tetrethyl, he paved the first step, but with our modern deforestation methods and massive mining ingenuity, we're one step closer to achieving our goals."

The plan to destroy the planet was first proposed in 1865, when industrialist and businessman John Myers took a walk in a local park.

pic: natgeo animals

"'Tis a wretched thing, this nature," his now-famous autobiography reads, "I didst just find a spider, a vicious, fanged, disgusting hairy jumpy bastard with ugly grey beady eyes. A bird didst defecate right betwixt my shoulderblades. His grandchildren will pay for that."

After that seminal walk, Myers dedicated his life to scientific research into the problem of a wild planet full of bugs and creatures. His early studies were crucial in showing how dangerous many naturally occurring chemicals are.

"Ozone in high levels has been shown to be poisonous to human beings," read one of his most startling early papers, Natures Ugliness. "Meanwhile, other chemicals such as the noxious and corrosive Di-hydrogen Oxide have been shown to be pandemic cesspits of death, especially in places such as Grahamstown, where it causes irreparable yearly damage despite its low daily prevalence in the area."

Early estimates in the 90's said that the planet would only be eradicated of all life by 2050, but the new Harvard report has shown that our massively industrialized society and global population explosions have cut that time by at least 25 years.

"Even if we discount the advances made between the years of 1914 and 1918 and 1939 and 1945, we're still far ahead of schedule," said Schmidt.

The report, which cites Bleach, CFCs, DDT, industrial toxins, mass deforestation, and the systematic genocide of anything with wings or fur as some of the most crucial modern steps in this program, now estimates that by latest 2025, we won't have to worry any more about whales or birds or snakes. Eugh. Snakes.

"Where we've really stepped up our game is the ocean," said global annihilation analyst and proud Hummer owner Oyelle Spils. "Ever since the great plan to dump large quantities of toxic and radioactive waste into it - not to mention all those nuclear tests in the 60s and 70s - we're moving faster than ever to achieve our goal of utter oceanic obliteration."

Leading scientists have since been quick to heap praise on the various peoples of the world, in particular the Chinese.

"We really could not have done it without them," said Spils. "They are the real visionaries here. They sacrifice long hours and suffer illness, poverty and constant oppression just to get their bit done, often under the harshest living and working conditions. They're an inspiration to the rest of us, opening so many new coal-burning power plants every month."

However, many scientists have also expressed concern over a growing rebellion to the cause, namely so-called "vegetarians" and "environmentalists".

"If these tree-hugging arseholes have their way, they'll deny our children the future they so rightly deserve," said Spils. "Do you want your kids growing up in trees and poison ivy and mosquitoes and crocodiles, or in a safe, warm, barren wasteland of endless sand and desolation where you can see dangerous animals coming from miles around?"

In spite of this, experts say they are not worried about these possible obstacles to making the new expected completion date.

"If push comes to shove, we'll just 'accidentally' launch a few nukes at a nuclear-capable, war-loving, fanatic and unstable rising world power," said head of the American program Hopen Fyre. "The ensuing nuclear winter should undo all the serious damage and obstacles these Pruis-driving, eco-friendly, organic-produce-eating motherfuckers have done.

Muse and Abuse would like to remind all its readers to leave their lights on tonight. Every minute is a polar bear that will never again endanger your children.