BREAKING NEWS – TV showing mysterious images

BREAKING NEWS – 8:17am

There is confusion this morning, as journalists and media experts are trying to make sense of a new series of images that have just been release on our televisions.

At this moment we’re not too sure what these images are, but rest assured that we’ll be bringing in a team of specialists to try and make sense of these unfathomable photos. Details are limited right now, but the first image we’re seeing is of some large, shapeless blue mass covered in greenish blobs. Dotted all over the image are tiny cylinder-shaped things that appear to be silver and pointed, with some orange-coloured mess on one end. Again, we aren’t sure what we’re looking at – they could be tiny cigars – but we will keep you updated as this story progresses.

UPDATE – 8:27am

More breaking news on our top story this morning of the strange images covering our TV. We’re not sure if this is linked with all the other video footage of heads of state giving tearful speeches from unknown locations, but NASA has released another image, perhaps even more confounding than the first.

Again, we must stress that the meaning of these images is not clear, but it does appear that the tiny cigars have disappeared only to been replaced by smallish yellow-and-black circular plates, each surrounded by a small circle of concentric red rings. As always, we will keep you updated as this more details on this story come into public knowledge.

UPDATE – 8.33am

Back to our top story this morning, NASA and a team of scientists and researchers have released a new series of images to the public. Again, details at this time are unclear, but it appears that some kind of white face-like figure next to a number keeps flashing intermittently on our television screens. This number has steadily increased to be almost nine digits long in the course of just a few hours. In-house experts and media specialists still have no clue what these figures might mean, but what we can confirm that this is a very, very high number.

“This is perhaps one of the biggest numbers we’ve seen on TV in many, many years,” said numbers expert Matt Matison, one of the few professionals we could contact (there seems to be some kind of a problem with telephone services). “We can only assume this means some kind of big event has happened.”

Again, exact details are sketchy, and finding the meaning to these images is proving difficult as large parts of the internet seem to have gone offline, and so we will keep readers updated as this story continues to unfold.

UPDATE – 8.37am

NASA has done it again. The latest in the series of images shows what we can confirm is definitely a figure of a human being standing next to what seems to be a large grey square with a big crack in it. We’re not sure what caused the crack, or why this person is standing next to this giant square, or even what kind of grey object would be that big, but as always we will keep you updated on this news event as it unfurls.

UPDATE – 8.39am

We still have very few details on this story. At the time of going to press the government and various heads of state had not replied to requests for comment. Let us know in the comments below what you think these strange images could possibly mean. And as always, we will keep you updated.

And if no further details come to light, well, it’s not like what would be the end of the world.

Humans “misrepresented” by Hollywood Alien Invasion Movies

Outrage and protest have swept the movie-going community this morning, after fans who went to watch Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Godzilla and Pacific Rim at the cinemas this weekend voiced strong opinions attacking Hollywood’s “totally unbelievable and completely unconvincing portrayal of humanity”.

“I know that these movies are just a work of fiction and that they require a bit of suspension of disbelief to really enjoy them,” said cinema goer Cameron Akshun, “but they’re so factually incorrect it’s not even funny. Humans would totally never roll over and die out when we’re invaded, come on!”

He explained in more depth.

“Movies paint us humans as a bunch of bumbling fools who would get totally destroyed by these invading aliens and then have to rely on one good-looking, dapper, muscled white protagonist to save us all and take back the planet,” he said, “but Jesus, have you ever read a history book? We would totally fuck them up.”

Military specialists and historical experts agree.

“Really, whether we are invaded by a hugely aggressive alien race hell-bent on stealing our planet’s resources and enslaving us, or giant radioactive lizard monsters trying to devastate our homes, or even huge anime battle creatures spawning one by one out of a space-time rift on the floor of the Pacific ocean, it’s safe to say that not only would we utterly obliterate them, we’d also indelibly etch a deep-seated abyssal fear of humankind into their souls,” said General Jenn Ousyde of the US Army.

“We have 2-tonne bombs that can penetrate a steel-reinforced concrete bunker sixty meters underground. We have chemical weapons that can melt your very flesh and bones in seconds. Hell, we invented Justin Bieber. Those invaders would get ravaged, and the few survivors we allow to return home would spread word of our endless wrath, permanently scarring their children with horror stories that would make Wes Craven look like Enid Blyton.”

Even modern foot soldiers agreed.

“If those aliens do attack, well, I hope they kill every last one of us,” said Lieutenant Schutz Toukil. “Because slowly but surely, one IED at a time, one unexpected guerrilla strike by one, we’d win the eventual war. We’d use it all: nuclear bombs, chemical gas, biological warfare, calculated precision strikes, weapons that maim and disable instead of outright kill… Slowly, just like Iraq and history has taught us, we’d turn public opinion on the alien homeworld against the war on Earth, and eventually they would withdraw their troops.

And humankind wouldn’t even stop there, he stressed.

“We would develop a whole new line of chemical and biological warfare to take the alien scum down. We’ll use targeted bunker buster missiles on their Achilles heels. We’ll use 1000-terawatt chemical lasers to roast their eyeballs in their skulls. And finally, we’d force our way through the invasion portal they can no longer close and then, when we’re sitting back and relaxing in the radioactive dust and ashes of their home planet, smoking a cigar made from the bones of their never-to-be-born children, they will realise the mistake they made coming to Earth.”

However, alien generals on Planet Kar-dal-uuk have strongly reiterated that “they have no intentions of invading or attacking [Earth] any time soon.”

“We’ve been watching you and reading your history books,” said Taal-san-jzak, Bloodlord and Commander of the Styazian Starcruiser fleet. “I mean, just look at what you humans do to other humans. We would hate to inflict that kind of murderous and mindless simplicity on our soldiers.”

However, a full-scale invasion, say military strategists, would be totally unnecessary.

“Really, just watching the news I think that if I were an alien general I would just let us all finish killing ourselves in pointless, arbitrary and horrific wars and then just move in to the empty, humanless dustbowl that remains,” USAF Wing Commander Jet Playns. “Why even waste your ships and soldiers killing humans when humans will do it all by themselves for nothing?”

pics: wikimedia commons. Except the first one. That's my photoshop #skillz yo.

Plan to destroy planet "well ahead of schedule"

pic: wikimedia commons

Bankers, Republicans and users of inefficient wall heaters and canned hairspray are reportedly rejoicing after a recent study has shown that the worldwide plan to utterly eradicate all life on planet Earth is "far, far ahead of schedule."

The study by the Harvard Review of Planetoid Desolation reported yesterday that, with current global levels of effort into destroying our planet, the original 1890 plan is many, many years ahead of schedule.

"We've had a massive legacy laid down for us, with people like Thomas Midgely, Jr and his bold and creative new methods for natural destruction, and so the bar has been set really high," said head of the Harvard research team and guy who leaves his geyser on all day Eric Schmidt. "With his CFCs and Lead Tetrethyl, he paved the first step, but with our modern deforestation methods and massive mining ingenuity, we're one step closer to achieving our goals."

The plan to destroy the planet was first proposed in 1865, when industrialist and businessman John Myers took a walk in a local park.

pic: natgeo animals

"'Tis a wretched thing, this nature," his now-famous autobiography reads, "I didst just find a spider, a vicious, fanged, disgusting hairy jumpy bastard with ugly grey beady eyes. A bird didst defecate right betwixt my shoulderblades. His grandchildren will pay for that."

After that seminal walk, Myers dedicated his life to scientific research into the problem of a wild planet full of bugs and creatures. His early studies were crucial in showing how dangerous many naturally occurring chemicals are.

"Ozone in high levels has been shown to be poisonous to human beings," read one of his most startling early papers, Natures Ugliness. "Meanwhile, other chemicals such as the noxious and corrosive Di-hydrogen Oxide have been shown to be pandemic cesspits of death, especially in places such as Grahamstown, where it causes irreparable yearly damage despite its low daily prevalence in the area."

Early estimates in the 90's said that the planet would only be eradicated of all life by 2050, but the new Harvard report has shown that our massively industrialized society and global population explosions have cut that time by at least 25 years.

"Even if we discount the advances made between the years of 1914 and 1918 and 1939 and 1945, we're still far ahead of schedule," said Schmidt.

The report, which cites Bleach, CFCs, DDT, industrial toxins, mass deforestation, and the systematic genocide of anything with wings or fur as some of the most crucial modern steps in this program, now estimates that by latest 2025, we won't have to worry any more about whales or birds or snakes. Eugh. Snakes.

"Where we've really stepped up our game is the ocean," said global annihilation analyst and proud Hummer owner Oyelle Spils. "Ever since the great plan to dump large quantities of toxic and radioactive waste into it - not to mention all those nuclear tests in the 60s and 70s - we're moving faster than ever to achieve our goal of utter oceanic obliteration."

Leading scientists have since been quick to heap praise on the various peoples of the world, in particular the Chinese.

"We really could not have done it without them," said Spils. "They are the real visionaries here. They sacrifice long hours and suffer illness, poverty and constant oppression just to get their bit done, often under the harshest living and working conditions. They're an inspiration to the rest of us, opening so many new coal-burning power plants every month."

However, many scientists have also expressed concern over a growing rebellion to the cause, namely so-called "vegetarians" and "environmentalists".

"If these tree-hugging arseholes have their way, they'll deny our children the future they so rightly deserve," said Spils. "Do you want your kids growing up in trees and poison ivy and mosquitoes and crocodiles, or in a safe, warm, barren wasteland of endless sand and desolation where you can see dangerous animals coming from miles around?"

In spite of this, experts say they are not worried about these possible obstacles to making the new expected completion date.

"If push comes to shove, we'll just 'accidentally' launch a few nukes at a nuclear-capable, war-loving, fanatic and unstable rising world power," said head of the American program Hopen Fyre. "The ensuing nuclear winter should undo all the serious damage and obstacles these Pruis-driving, eco-friendly, organic-produce-eating motherfuckers have done.

Muse and Abuse would like to remind all its readers to leave their lights on tonight. Every minute is a polar bear that will never again endanger your children.