Endangered seabirds still best way to clean up oil spills

The argument over whether artificial and chemical methods of cleaning up large oil spills are any good was put to paid today, after a scientific study reaffirmed that seabirds are still the reigning method for quick and efficient mop-up operations.

According Shelby Pee, head researcher for the Institute of Environmental Affairs, “seagulls, albatrosses, penguins and gannets [as well as] a variety of lesser coastal bird species” still outweigh chemical dissipation agents, biological remediants and other ingenuous solutions when it comes to soaking up millions of gallons of oil.

“Really, when we look at the incomparable oil-absorptive qualities of feathers – especially those of fluffy cheeping fledglings – and the even distribution of these living oil rags across the areas affected, our modern methods are just sorely lacking,” he said. “Bird feathers are 100% natural and have no toxic additives in them. They’re 100% biodegradable and naturally sourced, and – if you take internal avian pouches into consideration, such as lungs, the gullet and eyes – they can hold up to four times their weight in oil.”

And that’s not all, he explained.

“Best of all, they come with built-in saturation indicators – when it’s still moving and making small squawking noises, you know it can still wipe up a considerable amount of crude. This struggling, writhing motion is actually perfect for surface area coverage, grabbing as much oil as possible. And as soon as it stops moving, you know it’s reached maximum saturation – after that, it’s as simple as picking up the used avian oil receptacle and tossing it in a bin bag.”

Pee said that, even with close competition by the ultra-absorptive fur of baby seals and polar bears, seabirds were still the best method by far.

“Yes, the much-larger endangered bears can clean up quite a bit of oil, but even with other close natural contenders for the title of Best Cleaning Solution – such as the large-surface-area, super absorptive miles of pristine, white-sand coastline, or fragile, expansive wild marshlands – it’s not even close.”

“When it comes to oil spills, cleaning it up really is for the birds.”

Scientists discover new species to force into extinction

The scientific community is all atwitter today, after a small group of intrepid explorers and adventurers working in the Amazon delta discovered a new species for humankind to slowly but inevitably force into extinction.

“It’s amazing,” said leader of the French and German led expedition, Klein Match-Aange. “To be a part of the ceaseless quest to expand our knowledge of the world’s soon-to-be-naught-but-a-distant-memory-and-a-picture-in-a-yellowing-history-book species is a privilege that can we barely describe.”

The animal is reportedly a “very rare” but “equally delicate and vulnerable” sub species of distant cousins the once plentiful Howling Silver-top Lemur, which not so long ago freely roamed the extensive cattle farms and slashed-and-burned corn fields of the Amazon Farmlands.

“This little guy – which we’ve called the Blue-tipped Howling Lemur, or Marsuplius Genocidus Extinctia - is a shy, shy creature,” explained Match-Aange, recalling the difficult task of finding the elusive ‘Blue Ghost’. “Nocturnal and very skittish, finding him was a real challenge. You won’t believe how many trees we had to cut down just to get a pic of him. All that foliage, dense undergrowth and rare orchids make modern scientific endeavours like these a real nightmare.”

Our knowledge of these elusive creatures, however, is now vastly improved.

“According to preliminary scientific observations on the animal, we can say that it’s not very different from other classic species of lemur,” said the team’s sixty-page report. “While looking somewhat different to other species in this genus, it shares a very similar diet, social behaviourisms, mating habits and vulnerability to stab wounds as its other lemur brethren.”

The report added that this “probably mean[t] a shared similarity in terms of organisational hierarchy, territorial behaviour and susceptibility to broken bones, third-degree burns and bleach poisoning.”

“Whatever their exact species, these animals tend to share a few fundamental characteristics,” the report explained, “such as how thin and easily crushable its skull is, how - much like other lemurs, small apes and some similar species of exotic cats - it dies after only one or two well-aimed 9mm slugs to the back of the head, or how valuable its bones and fur are on the traditional medicines and exotic goods black markets.”

This species of lemur is now the third animal to be added this year to our list of species we’re going to utterly eradicate one by one from the surface of the planet, just after the Java Tiger (Leo Pantherus Coati Expensivus) and the White Rhino (Bohne Maykmii Erectus).

"We're a tenacious bunch, us humans, but we need to keep up the hard work," said the report. "Even now, there are probably hundreds of rare, undiscovered species out there just waiting to be decimated into total disappearance."

Pic: by Rachel Kramer licenced under CC Attribution-Share Alike 3.0

Dealers to introduce "ethical and eco-friendly" narcotics

pic: wikimedia commons

Responding to worldwide allegations of murder, torture, kidnapping, assassination, violence and the enslavement of thousands of poor and destitute addicts, leading meth cooks, Colombian drug lords and narcotics suppliers across the globe have announced plans to produce "friendlier, ethical, guilt-free and fair" narcotics.

"The media and governments across the world have given us a really bad rep," said Colombian heroin kingpin Lina de Koka. "Sure, we haven't been blameless, but I've only tortured, beheaded or murdered maybe four dozen times, tops. This is just a way of saying to our very, very loyal customers that we're not the bad guys the newspapers and headlines make us out to be."

De Koka went on to say that this move was a result of their customers' concerns about the product they were buying.

"Every time our users cram their scarred and bleeding nasal cavaties with three grams of Colombian Snow, we don't want them thinking of guilty, awful things like, 'How many poor farmers were exploited at 5c per kilo for this?' or 'How many abused and homeless meth addicts is my part in this cycle really creating?' or even 'How many people are facing life in prison because my demand for this illegal substance and their desperation to just get by is a powderkeg combination?'. We want them to shoot up and feel happy that they're not making the world a worse place."

As such, kingpins and dime-bag dealers in carparks across the world will now be offering (at a marginally higher price, of course) products like violence-free and fair-market cocaine,  war-in-the-Third-World-free and taliban-funding-free Opium, and murder-free and jail-free marijuana.

"Our latest product is Green Coke. It's transported across the continent by bicycle or in the latest Honda Prius. You might also want to check out our new Eco-MDMA: it's not made from the rare oil of the endangered Sassafras tree in Cambodia, but rather synthesised in a lab from other, abundant chemicals. We want our customers to never feel like they're supporting something that's immoral or unethical," said De Koka.

The announcement has been greeted with great enthusiasm by loyal users of hard drugs across the world, who took time out of asking for spare change and offering us all blowjobs for ten bucks to share their thoughts.

"It's great, man. Now, when I go back to my cardboard home after a hard day's begging,  I can sleep comfortably at night, unplagued by nightmarish visions of poor Mexican citizens getting caught in the crossfire," said 31-year-old vagrant and part-time prostitute Joe Blobs. "Now, about that BJ...."

Companies across the world have met this announcement with support, showing their commitment to this inspiring movement by introducing their own ranges of eco-friendly, ethically-produced produces.

"Here we have a new eco-friendly and ethical coke-snorting pipe disguised to look EXACTLY like a ten dollar bill. It's portable, light, easy to roll, and you can hide it in your wallet along with all your real money," said CEO of Paraphernalia Inc. Shu Tinup. "It's now on sale at all major retailers for $19.95.”

However, the announcement has not been without controversy, as some gang lords have resisted the proposed changes.

"So far we've seen a little bit of resistance to this new pardigm," said De Koka, "but every revolution  has its fair share of drive-by shootings and gang-banging. This is just the acceptable cost of business."

He went on to outline, however, that this was just pushing them harder to, er, push the new product.

"They're jealous of this new product and want to stick to the old way of doing things," said De Koka. "All these gang wars and hits on our mid-level mafiosos are a sign. Yesterday, I found my best friend Miguel's head on a stake in my driveway. That just tells us that we must be doing something right."

Plan to destroy planet "well ahead of schedule"

pic: wikimedia commons

Bankers, Republicans and users of inefficient wall heaters and canned hairspray are reportedly rejoicing after a recent study has shown that the worldwide plan to utterly eradicate all life on planet Earth is "far, far ahead of schedule."

The study by the Harvard Review of Planetoid Desolation reported yesterday that, with current global levels of effort into destroying our planet, the original 1890 plan is many, many years ahead of schedule.

"We've had a massive legacy laid down for us, with people like Thomas Midgely, Jr and his bold and creative new methods for natural destruction, and so the bar has been set really high," said head of the Harvard research team and guy who leaves his geyser on all day Eric Schmidt. "With his CFCs and Lead Tetrethyl, he paved the first step, but with our modern deforestation methods and massive mining ingenuity, we're one step closer to achieving our goals."

The plan to destroy the planet was first proposed in 1865, when industrialist and businessman John Myers took a walk in a local park.

pic: natgeo animals

"'Tis a wretched thing, this nature," his now-famous autobiography reads, "I didst just find a spider, a vicious, fanged, disgusting hairy jumpy bastard with ugly grey beady eyes. A bird didst defecate right betwixt my shoulderblades. His grandchildren will pay for that."

After that seminal walk, Myers dedicated his life to scientific research into the problem of a wild planet full of bugs and creatures. His early studies were crucial in showing how dangerous many naturally occurring chemicals are.

"Ozone in high levels has been shown to be poisonous to human beings," read one of his most startling early papers, Natures Ugliness. "Meanwhile, other chemicals such as the noxious and corrosive Di-hydrogen Oxide have been shown to be pandemic cesspits of death, especially in places such as Grahamstown, where it causes irreparable yearly damage despite its low daily prevalence in the area."

Early estimates in the 90's said that the planet would only be eradicated of all life by 2050, but the new Harvard report has shown that our massively industrialized society and global population explosions have cut that time by at least 25 years.

"Even if we discount the advances made between the years of 1914 and 1918 and 1939 and 1945, we're still far ahead of schedule," said Schmidt.

The report, which cites Bleach, CFCs, DDT, industrial toxins, mass deforestation, and the systematic genocide of anything with wings or fur as some of the most crucial modern steps in this program, now estimates that by latest 2025, we won't have to worry any more about whales or birds or snakes. Eugh. Snakes.

"Where we've really stepped up our game is the ocean," said global annihilation analyst and proud Hummer owner Oyelle Spils. "Ever since the great plan to dump large quantities of toxic and radioactive waste into it - not to mention all those nuclear tests in the 60s and 70s - we're moving faster than ever to achieve our goal of utter oceanic obliteration."

Leading scientists have since been quick to heap praise on the various peoples of the world, in particular the Chinese.

"We really could not have done it without them," said Spils. "They are the real visionaries here. They sacrifice long hours and suffer illness, poverty and constant oppression just to get their bit done, often under the harshest living and working conditions. They're an inspiration to the rest of us, opening so many new coal-burning power plants every month."

However, many scientists have also expressed concern over a growing rebellion to the cause, namely so-called "vegetarians" and "environmentalists".

"If these tree-hugging arseholes have their way, they'll deny our children the future they so rightly deserve," said Spils. "Do you want your kids growing up in trees and poison ivy and mosquitoes and crocodiles, or in a safe, warm, barren wasteland of endless sand and desolation where you can see dangerous animals coming from miles around?"

In spite of this, experts say they are not worried about these possible obstacles to making the new expected completion date.

"If push comes to shove, we'll just 'accidentally' launch a few nukes at a nuclear-capable, war-loving, fanatic and unstable rising world power," said head of the American program Hopen Fyre. "The ensuing nuclear winter should undo all the serious damage and obstacles these Pruis-driving, eco-friendly, organic-produce-eating motherfuckers have done.

Muse and Abuse would like to remind all its readers to leave their lights on tonight. Every minute is a polar bear that will never again endanger your children.

SRC Councilor does his job

A wave of shock and awe has swept across Rhodes University Campus this morning following a post on the Rhodes Student Representative Council page by Environmental Councilor Luke Cadden.

The post followed a planned release of purple helium balloons to celebrate environmental initiatives. According to the post, which was informative, to-the-point and contained no spelling mistakes, Cadden successfully put a stop to this responsible, carefully-thought-out, and environmentally friendly littering of purple balloons in the wild.

"We at first thought that sending purple baby-animal-choking bags of helium into the air to be scattered across the game reserves and untouched areas of South Africa would be the best way of spreading our environmentally-responsible message," said event organiser Litta Hevriwhere. "But Luke showed us the error of our ways. Things like a naked run or selling brownies make a lot more ecological activism sense."

According to the post, the Cadden and the SRC took into account the student's complaints, queries and suggestions - a governance method that was abandoned in 1912.

"This is a bold new way of doing student governance," said student political analyst Mu Zanabuuz. "Back then, it made sense, because government as a whole didn't really give a shit about people. We'll just have to see how the strategy pays off in the near future."

This, however, is not the first incidence of involvement of the student voice and opinion, and indeed, is not the first sighting of an SRC Councillor. In fact, since the current SRC was voted in, they have been spotted all over campus, and are actually visible. This abandonment of their previous ideals and invisibility has caused much international controversy.

"We've seen a couple of examples this year where the SRC has actually asked us for our input beyond who I want to drunkenly scream in front of on the Great Field at Trivar," said student Jonathan Mayar. "It was such a strange feeling."

Just one example is the multiple Student Forum meetings and Student Body deliberations that have been organised.

"We've moved back to this old system," said SRC President Askin N.E Bhadi. "It'll probably take the students a while to get used to having to care about their own University."

Previously, the SRC would throw a party at the beginning of the year, and then spend the rest of the year holding boring, behind-the-scenes things like meetings and forums and Council hearings that no one gives a crap about.

"These get the job done, but no one can see how effective they are. We keep getting blamed for doing nothing. Student Forums, even if they are less effective, are at least in the public eye. Now, if everything goes to hell on a handwagon, we can blame the students as well as the SRC," said SRC historian Orik Efei.

According to Bhadi, they're already well on their way to accomplishing this.

"We've had a low turnout at most of these hearings where students can tell us what they want so that we just won't bugger around for the rest of the year," he said.

However, he doubts that future meetings will have improved attendance.

"Many students have complained of having very important commitments, such as Game of Thrones Season 3, predrinks, watching cat videos on youtube, sleep, tests and assignments, that clash with the meetings. I completely understand. With another meeting tonight, we expect to be able to say it's the students' fault by early September."