Study finds Asian child bones may save the rhinos

The medical research community is celebrating today, after conservation experts discovered a scientific breakthrough that could potentially save thousands of endangered Black and White Rhinos.

According to researchers working at the Institute for Animal Medical Studies, the answer could lie within the crushed-up bones of Asian people. Preliminary findings of the report now suggest that Asian bone has the power to turn these otherwise docile creatures into horny breeding machines - a potential turn-around for their decimated populations.

The discovery - which has profound ramifications for rhino populations threatened by extinction - has come just in time too.

"It really is a game-changer," said head research manager Jenn Oside. "We've been having problems with our rhinos. They have been in long-term commitments with other older rhinos, and the spice of their love lives just isn't there any more. This medicine is helping them with some of their... less hard problems. If you know what I'm saying."

However, research and business analysts have been quick to say that current market trends are just not feasible to turn it into a working cure to the current extinction threats.

"It turns out that there are a lot of people who get all upset just because we want to crush up something they love into a cure for sexual problems," said Jake Henderson, lead chemical engineer for the program. "Hell, some places even have laws in place to stop these kinds of medicines."

These stumbling blocks, however, will not stop them, says Henderson.

"Right now we're working on more... inventive... ways of getting our Asian Bone. We are currently sending some key businessmen to hire the marginalised poor to go into schools and child reserves to acquire the required materials, he said. "These men and women would form part of the Program for Ossified Asian Chemical Help, a highly specialised task force that uses humane methods such as guns and knives to extract the valuable bone. Right now, Asian child bone can fetch almost R12 000 per kilogram on the black market. Our POACH-ers would be directly creating wealth and economic empowerment."

Henderson also noted plans to humanely remove the bone from the children's limbs.

"Now that these kids live protected in-door environments, they no longer have an evolutionary need for their bone. It isn't wrong to cut out these vestigial organs, because they don't really use them," he said.

However, the commission has come under fire from scientists and legal experts, saying that the cures are baseless and draw on a tradition of silly superstitions.

"There is nothing in an Asian child's bones that invigorates a Rhinoceros's sexual prowess," said animal scientist and game ranger Tony Veldshoen. "It's just calcium, potassium, and ossified cells, utterly devoid of any aphrodisiac qualities."

This, however, is not stopping Henderson and his team.

"Who cares if it 'isn't scientifically proven' and 'has no actual basis in biochemistry' - if makes the rhinos feel good and they can really feel the benefits!. Just because it's bull dust, doesn't mean it's bulldust. Besides," he said, "they said that same lie about rhino horn giving you a heightened libido. Next thing you'll tell us homeopathy and reflexology are just farcical cons."

Scientists discover new species to force into extinction

The scientific community is all atwitter today, after a small group of intrepid explorers and adventurers working in the Amazon delta discovered a new species for humankind to slowly but inevitably force into extinction.

“It’s amazing,” said leader of the French and German led expedition, Klein Match-Aange. “To be a part of the ceaseless quest to expand our knowledge of the world’s soon-to-be-naught-but-a-distant-memory-and-a-picture-in-a-yellowing-history-book species is a privilege that can we barely describe.”

The animal is reportedly a “very rare” but “equally delicate and vulnerable” sub species of distant cousins the once plentiful Howling Silver-top Lemur, which not so long ago freely roamed the extensive cattle farms and slashed-and-burned corn fields of the Amazon Farmlands.

“This little guy – which we’ve called the Blue-tipped Howling Lemur, or Marsuplius Genocidus Extinctia - is a shy, shy creature,” explained Match-Aange, recalling the difficult task of finding the elusive ‘Blue Ghost’. “Nocturnal and very skittish, finding him was a real challenge. You won’t believe how many trees we had to cut down just to get a pic of him. All that foliage, dense undergrowth and rare orchids make modern scientific endeavours like these a real nightmare.”

Our knowledge of these elusive creatures, however, is now vastly improved.

“According to preliminary scientific observations on the animal, we can say that it’s not very different from other classic species of lemur,” said the team’s sixty-page report. “While looking somewhat different to other species in this genus, it shares a very similar diet, social behaviourisms, mating habits and vulnerability to stab wounds as its other lemur brethren.”

The report added that this “probably mean[t] a shared similarity in terms of organisational hierarchy, territorial behaviour and susceptibility to broken bones, third-degree burns and bleach poisoning.”

“Whatever their exact species, these animals tend to share a few fundamental characteristics,” the report explained, “such as how thin and easily crushable its skull is, how - much like other lemurs, small apes and some similar species of exotic cats - it dies after only one or two well-aimed 9mm slugs to the back of the head, or how valuable its bones and fur are on the traditional medicines and exotic goods black markets.”

This species of lemur is now the third animal to be added this year to our list of species we’re going to utterly eradicate one by one from the surface of the planet, just after the Java Tiger (Leo Pantherus Coati Expensivus) and the White Rhino (Bohne Maykmii Erectus).

"We're a tenacious bunch, us humans, but we need to keep up the hard work," said the report. "Even now, there are probably hundreds of rare, undiscovered species out there just waiting to be decimated into total disappearance."

Pic: by Rachel Kramer licenced under CC Attribution-Share Alike 3.0

Game reserves now totally safe

South African Nature Reserve tourists can visit our nation’s game parks in guaranteed peace now, after national Wildlife Conservation Authority SAWCA has announced that all these rustic national relaxation centres are “totally free of dangerous and wild animals.”

“Once upon a time, you couldn’t even move around freely in these beautiful and secluded parks,” said program manager Jerry Cull who yesterday confirmed the beheading and incineration of the last potentially dangerous lion in South Africa. “Because of all the vicious and dangerous animals, you couldn’t get out of your car and walk around safely, and if you had food on you, like a pocket of oranges or some delicious fruit, you had to wrap it in clingfilm and hide it in a scent-eliminating Tupperware box at the bottom of a mine shaft.”

Thankfully, says Culls, that is all in the past.

“These fenced areas used to be filled with all manner of dangerous and savage beasts: elephants, hippos, buffalo, lions, cheetahs, leopards, hyenas and the vicious and deadly African Honey Badger,” he said gesturing to the mountain of bones erected in honour of SAWCA's accomplishments. “Not any more. Now visitors can roam the waterholes and tree-filled savannah unmolested.”

Culls told of how the program had been a decades long-effort.

“We’ve been working for a number of years now to cut down on the number of wild, ferocious and dangerous animals in the world. We erected concentration camps, er, sorry, zoos, and fenced enclosures so that we’d have them all trapped in one place when we started.”

However, they soon realised it wasn’t enough.

“We thought they’d starve to death in these small enclosures, but their numbers started actually improving. We knew something had to be done.”

Culls immediately started bringing in poor locals and struggling immigrants to help in an unofficial program known only as the Program Of Accurate Culling of Herds.

“These POACH members were magnificent and efficient. With a few well-placed lies to the Asians about how animal parts are like biological Viagra, we got rid of the animals like that.”

Though this program has been met with widespread praise and approval, it still fights against completely contrasting programs overseas, such as in the US, where they have started a program to save their last eagle, Bob, and the UK, where they have begun a national initiative called the Save Whatever Is Left campaign.

“Foreigners think that animals are some sort of representation or symbol of the wild savagery and untamed nobility of a Dark and Forgotten land,” said Culls, cleaning the blood and brain matter off his 7.62mm M134 chaingun, “but honestly, have you even seen a Buffalo? It might look peaceful and majestic, standing in the golden light of the dazzling African sun, ruminating slowly and calmly on the undisturbed tranquility of the Sub-Saharan savannah, but we all know that that murderous, psychopathic shitbag would stick his curly, hard horns through us given even half a chance."

However, game parks remain unsettling and unwelcoming places for human beings, and citizens still demand much change before they will flock to bask in nature's breathtaking tranquility and ambiance.

"We're working on the problem day and night - well, mostly just day, really, between 9 and 5, with an hour for lunch and intermittent smoke breaks," said Game Reserve Conversion Manage Deacon Strukshun. "With our planned night clubs, restaurant chains, foodcourts, multi-storey parking, always-on wifi, and massive luxury strip mall to be added to the parks, we hope that by at least 2018 all citizens will be able to totally lose themselves in the endless beauty of our planet's natural wonders."

Pic: Wikimedia Commons

'Porn Not Horn' campaign launches

Dealers in traditional Asian aphrodisiacs are going to face much 'stiff' competition this year, with the upcoming launch of the Department of Wildlife and Conservation's Porn Not Horn anti-poaching initiative.

The campaign intends to airlift large crates of hardcore pornography into porn-impoverished areas of China, Malaysia and the rest of East Asia.

According to Jai. N. Tiirekshun, founder of the controversial campaign, the idea first came when he was thinking about porn, which was all the time between the ages of 13 and 33. However, he would only take the first steps to this project many years later on a trip to China.

"I was thinking about how porn just gets you going, you know? But when I went to Beijing and all the porn they have is this shitty 80's stuff where you can barely see any boob."

The situation is aggravated by an overly restrictive internet content filtration system. According to Tiirekshun, some of the best pornography on the market is automatically filtered out and banned by the Chinese state internet controls, which ban sites based on key words.

"The best films, like Tibetan Monk Sluts 5, Democracy Vixens 9 and Human Rights Attrocities in China Whores 3 are all banned when people look for them online because of unexpected and entirely coincidental links to serious world issues," he said. "No wonder they've taken to sniffing descicated animal hair, the poor bastards."

The campaign is not however, backed by any adult filmstars yet, although Tiirekshun says they've got initial requests from Anne Hathaway.

"She gets paid a lot to show her boobs now and then and acts terribly , so it's pretty much the same thing."

The campaign has come just in time, as alternative suggestions have become increasingly more troubling. One campaign has included giving the rhinos ground-up Asian child bone to help them reach sexual maturity more quickly.

Scientists have been astounded by the project's scientific basis, saying that in a lengthy private study conducted with the door locked and soft music playing on their laptops, there was a 98% boner success rate.

"It's incredible," said Head of Biochemistry at Bellend University Tay Kinapluk. "If you want to perform, I can't recommend anything better."

The campaign has so far recieved enormous US State support, citing its potential communism-ending potential.

"Chinese leaders are just super-stressed right now," said Secretary of State Noah Fucault. "If they just took some alone time, we're pretty confident that this whole Tibet thing would sort itself out."