Dealers
in traditional Asian aphrodisiacs are going to face much 'stiff' competition
this year, with the upcoming launch of the Department of Wildlife and
Conservation's Porn Not Horn anti-poaching initiative.
The campaign intends to
airlift large crates of hardcore pornography into porn-impoverished areas of
China, Malaysia and the rest of East Asia.
According to Jai. N. Tiirekshun,
founder of the controversial campaign, the idea first came when he was thinking
about porn, which was all the time between the ages of 13 and 33. However, he
would only take the first steps to this project many years later on a trip to
China.
"I was thinking about how porn just gets you going, you know? But
when I went to Beijing and all the porn they have is this shitty 80's
stuff where you can barely see any boob."
The situation is aggravated by an
overly restrictive internet content filtration system. According to Tiirekshun,
some of the best pornography on the market is automatically filtered out and
banned by the Chinese state internet controls, which ban sites based on key
words.
"The best films, like Tibetan Monk Sluts 5, Democracy Vixens 9 and
Human Rights Attrocities in China Whores 3 are all banned when people look for
them online because of unexpected and entirely coincidental links to serious
world issues," he said. "No wonder they've taken to sniffing descicated
animal hair, the poor bastards."
The campaign is not however, backed by any
adult filmstars yet, although Tiirekshun says they've got initial requests from
Anne Hathaway.
"She gets paid a lot to show her boobs now and then and acts
terribly , so it's pretty much the same thing."
The campaign has come just
in time, as alternative suggestions have become increasingly more troubling.
One campaign has included giving the rhinos ground-up Asian child bone to help them reach sexual maturity more quickly.
Scientists have been astounded by
the project's scientific basis, saying that in a lengthy private study
conducted with the door locked and soft music playing on their laptops, there
was a 98% boner success rate.
"It's incredible," said Head of
Biochemistry at Bellend University Tay Kinapluk. "If you want to perform,
I can't recommend anything better."
The campaign has so far recieved
enormous US State support, citing its potential communism-ending
potential.
"Chinese leaders are just super-stressed right now," said
Secretary of State Noah Fucault. "If they just took some alone time, we're
pretty confident that this whole Tibet thing would sort itself out."
