'Porn Not Horn' campaign launches

Dealers in traditional Asian aphrodisiacs are going to face much 'stiff' competition this year, with the upcoming launch of the Department of Wildlife and Conservation's Porn Not Horn anti-poaching initiative.

The campaign intends to airlift large crates of hardcore pornography into porn-impoverished areas of China, Malaysia and the rest of East Asia.

According to Jai. N. Tiirekshun, founder of the controversial campaign, the idea first came when he was thinking about porn, which was all the time between the ages of 13 and 33. However, he would only take the first steps to this project many years later on a trip to China.

"I was thinking about how porn just gets you going, you know? But when I went to Beijing and all the porn they have is this shitty 80's stuff where you can barely see any boob."

The situation is aggravated by an overly restrictive internet content filtration system. According to Tiirekshun, some of the best pornography on the market is automatically filtered out and banned by the Chinese state internet controls, which ban sites based on key words.

"The best films, like Tibetan Monk Sluts 5, Democracy Vixens 9 and Human Rights Attrocities in China Whores 3 are all banned when people look for them online because of unexpected and entirely coincidental links to serious world issues," he said. "No wonder they've taken to sniffing descicated animal hair, the poor bastards."

The campaign is not however, backed by any adult filmstars yet, although Tiirekshun says they've got initial requests from Anne Hathaway.

"She gets paid a lot to show her boobs now and then and acts terribly , so it's pretty much the same thing."

The campaign has come just in time, as alternative suggestions have become increasingly more troubling. One campaign has included giving the rhinos ground-up Asian child bone to help them reach sexual maturity more quickly.

Scientists have been astounded by the project's scientific basis, saying that in a lengthy private study conducted with the door locked and soft music playing on their laptops, there was a 98% boner success rate.

"It's incredible," said Head of Biochemistry at Bellend University Tay Kinapluk. "If you want to perform, I can't recommend anything better."

The campaign has so far recieved enormous US State support, citing its potential communism-ending potential.

"Chinese leaders are just super-stressed right now," said Secretary of State Noah Fucault. "If they just took some alone time, we're pretty confident that this whole Tibet thing would sort itself out."