Hero teen saves school from disaster

Courageous jock prevents massive mass-shooting by befriending that fucking weird fedora-wearing dipstick Eugene Falentes.

Mourning and heaped praise echo across the halls of Metro bay High school today, after 17-year-old sports star, cafeteria jokester and all-round-beloved senior Chad Chaddings saved his peers from ‘unfathomable tragedy’ by befriending “that weirdo who would probably have slaughtered us all sometime in the next six months”.

Chaddings, who is being hailed as a “true icon of heroism”, bravely averted a mass shooting or serial knifings and suicide at the very least by making friends with the gigantic loser and showing him basic human decency.

Teachers and peers recalled Chaddings’s last moments with tears in their eyes.

“We all knew it had to happen, but we never knew he’d be so brave about it,” said the guy who gives Chad his Maths homework to copy after football practice. “He just walked right up to that mouth-breathing, bespectacled, braces-wearing creep and was like, ‘Hey, Eugene, you wanna hang out after school?’.”

Pictured: that fucking weird kid Eugene.
Goddamn nerd.

Chaddings’s friends say that he was staunch and unflinching in his sacrifice, even when Eugene said yes and excitedly started explaining the rules of that fucking weird boardgame he and those other friendless losers from Grade 11 like to play in their ‘Secret Clubhouse’ in his mom’s basement.

However, learners at the medium-sized high school say they knew this day was coming – that it was only a matter of time until someone had to befriend him.

“This day was inevitable, ever since he first asked Billy Erikson in first grade to trade Pokemon cards, and then asked him if he’d like some of this packed vegan soy-bean lunch, his place low, low down on the social ladder was cemented,” said the school’s History teacher Miss Evensen. “We all knew that, thanks to the rigourous social hierarchy of our school, one day someone would have to bite the bullet and treat him with kindness and compassion so that he didn’t crack and blow us all away with his father’s automatic rifle collection. I just can’t believe this day has come so soon.”

“You know, sometimes I still see Chad’s ghost roaming the schoolhalls,” said long-time friend Huhg Jassohl. “He still wanders these halls, reading - eugh - books and expressing an interest in things like learning.”

After taking a moment to compose himself, Jassohl continued.

“I mean, I know the shadow of his former self says stuff like ‘Eugene is just misunderstood’ and ‘Once you get to know someone, you realise how judging a book by its cover is so wrong’ – but hey, that's exactly the kind of thing that kind of a Naruto-watching weeboo piece of uncool scum would say.”

However, with mounting ostracism and public shunning of Chaddings, the school board has now expressed worries that soon it’ll be time to put another student on the altar of offerings.

“Now that Chad is a shunned, tormented dipshit that no one likes because of his obvious rejection of the status quo – you know, basically another Eugene - what’s to stop him shooting up the school?” said Principal Davids.

“I mean, someone’s gonna have to befriend that massive weirdo.”

Shocking new study finds “you’re not even my real dad”

The scientific community is agog today, after breath-taking new research showed undeniable evidence that “you’re not even my real father”.

The commissioned research, which was headed by 17-year-old Rebecca Evansfield and looked deep into the scientific field of Yourdaughterology, found many disturbing correlations and links between data previously thought impossible.

“The research really has swept at least one scientist off his feet,” said Evansfield. “I mean, we found a 75% probability that you’re not the boss of me, which gives rise to the disturbing revelation that it is highly, highly likely that I can do whatever I want”.

And that’s just the beginning, says Evansfield.

“Our findings are as bold as they are startling,” she explained. “Just a few years ago, who would have thought it possible that you can’t tell me what to do anymore, or that there exist a set of very particular theoretical physical models that showed that my being a proper grown up now who doesn't have to listen to you could potentially be more than just a random statistical glitch?”

The findings, however, are fraught with controversy, and are already being contested and criticised by at least one scientist, who - the study suggests - doesn’t deserve to be married to such an amazing woman.

The findings have already been criticised by once-divorced scientist Dr Bardensen.

“Yes, we can agree that there may be an element of truth to the findings,” said 49-year-old senior lab manager at the Centre for Chemical Studies, Michael Bardensen. “Sure, scientists now speculate that this shocking possibility could extend as far as, say, you getting a tattoo on your back, or that it even may have as far-reaching ramifications as your going out whenever you want to, but its whole premise is premature.”

Bardensen stresses that the findings are rash at best.

“The data might suggest that you should be allowed to date that Senior in the football team, or be able go to Tessa’s big house party next Saturday, but I guarantee you that these discoveries are all just a part of the ups and downs of scientific enquiry,” he said. “Already I have found contradictory data that suggests that, actually, you live in my house and don’t pay rent; and previous studies published by I. M. Hyorfahtha et al stress that just wait until your mother hears about this.”

Already Bardensen’s theory has been confirmed by eminent researchers, such as senior researcher for the Home Foundation, Jessica Bardensen nee Evansfield.

“Just wait a few years,” said the counter study in a joint statement this afternoon. “You’ll see that we were right all along.”

Man gives to charity without making elaborate viral video

The philanthropic community is in uproar today, after a man reportedly donated a large sum of money to a charity organisation without filming an elaborate viral video.

According to the man, who for some reason beyond the comprehension of modern man wishes to remain anonymous, he didn’t even tweet that he had done it, or even take a selfie or use any hashtags like #charity.

This isn’t the first time he’s pulled such a mad stunt – sources close to the man say that back in August 2014 he didn’t dump a bucket of ice water over his head before giving R50 000 to an organisation working to find a cure for ALS.

And while many people say this is pure madness, scientists say that the science is feasible.

“We’ve been looking into the neurochemistry and psychology behind such irrational acts, and we have to say that the science is sound,” said lead researcher for the study, Cora Layshin. “Turns out, you actually can donate money without making it about you or yelling to the entire world in hashtagged ALL CAPS that you’re so goddamn selfless and giving and kind.”

But this is just the beginning, say scientists conducting similar research.

”We’ve been looking into the innate, very natural links between being a good human being and making sure that it’s also tagged on Facebook and linked to your Instagram account,” said Dr Narsa Sistique of the Institute of Brain Studies. “Peer-reviewed research and carefully experimentation shows that – in an utter contrast to popular belief and going against everything certain Youtubers know to be true – you can donate money or food to homeless shelters without making exploitative Social Experiment videos that make thousands of dollars in ad revenue.”

International Charity organisations have jumped onto this trend, and are now challenging thousands of budding social media philanthropists to the bold and daring new "Just Donate some Goddamn Money" challenge.

”We know that it’s difficult to comprehend, but dozens of peer-reviewed papers on the matter have shown that you can do things like asking your girlfriend to marry you without having to stage some huge viral flashmob video,” said Dr Sistique. “Every time you do something like have a cup of coffee or a vegetarian quiche at a local bistro, or go to the gym, or go for a 22km bike ride on a Friday, you can actually do it without flooding everyone’s social media feeds with it. It’s crazy, but true.”

However, not everyone is too fazed by this shocking discovery.

“There may be one or two people who upset the system by giving money without making a viral video,” said online philanthropy expert Jack Givvens, “but as long as there are hundreds of people who make viral videos or do a No Makeup Selfie challenge without giving a cent, we figure it kinda all balances out.”