Shocking new study finds “you’re not even my real dad”

The scientific community is agog today, after breath-taking new research showed undeniable evidence that “you’re not even my real father”.

The commissioned research, which was headed by 17-year-old Rebecca Evansfield and looked deep into the scientific field of Yourdaughterology, found many disturbing correlations and links between data previously thought impossible.

“The research really has swept at least one scientist off his feet,” said Evansfield. “I mean, we found a 75% probability that you’re not the boss of me, which gives rise to the disturbing revelation that it is highly, highly likely that I can do whatever I want”.

And that’s just the beginning, says Evansfield.

“Our findings are as bold as they are startling,” she explained. “Just a few years ago, who would have thought it possible that you can’t tell me what to do anymore, or that there exist a set of very particular theoretical physical models that showed that my being a proper grown up now who doesn't have to listen to you could potentially be more than just a random statistical glitch?”

The findings, however, are fraught with controversy, and are already being contested and criticised by at least one scientist, who - the study suggests - doesn’t deserve to be married to such an amazing woman.

The findings have already been criticised by once-divorced scientist Dr Bardensen.

“Yes, we can agree that there may be an element of truth to the findings,” said 49-year-old senior lab manager at the Centre for Chemical Studies, Michael Bardensen. “Sure, scientists now speculate that this shocking possibility could extend as far as, say, you getting a tattoo on your back, or that it even may have as far-reaching ramifications as your going out whenever you want to, but its whole premise is premature.”

Bardensen stresses that the findings are rash at best.

“The data might suggest that you should be allowed to date that Senior in the football team, or be able go to Tessa’s big house party next Saturday, but I guarantee you that these discoveries are all just a part of the ups and downs of scientific enquiry,” he said. “Already I have found contradictory data that suggests that, actually, you live in my house and don’t pay rent; and previous studies published by I. M. Hyorfahtha et al stress that just wait until your mother hears about this.”

Already Bardensen’s theory has been confirmed by eminent researchers, such as senior researcher for the Home Foundation, Jessica Bardensen nee Evansfield.

“Just wait a few years,” said the counter study in a joint statement this afternoon. “You’ll see that we were right all along.”

Dr Seuss books to be “modernised” for a new generation

The literary world was taken by storm this morning, after publishers in the United Kingdom announced that the much-loved and classic tongue-twisters of wordplay genius Dr Seuss will be remade to suit a more “contemporary generation of children”.

“These are fantastic works that anyone will remember fondly stumbling over as they tried to read them out loud,” said CEO of publishing giant Struik Publishing, Ruaan Alderboeks, “but sadly, in their original form, they just no longer apply to the interwebz-fluent midget Ritalin junkies were are forced by law to call our children.”

Struik and Random House Publishing now say that many beloved Seuss books will now be edited with “minor modifications” to make them more suited to the current generation.

As a gesture to readers across the world, Struik has given Muse and Abuse a sneak preview of the first in the modernised series, Sam-I-Spam, the contemporary tale of Sam, who now loves Green Eggs and Ham, but clogs up your newsfeed of Instagram pictures of this new foodie love every goddamn time he eats it.

“We’re sticking true to the old ways, but making it more modern, more cutting edge, more insert-euphemism-here-y,” he said, before adding that many other reworkings were in the pipeline, including Firefox in Sox (the tale about a web browser struggling to win a majority marketshare), Oh The Things You Will See (an ode to turning Off SafeSearch), and The Kitten In The Shoe, the heart-warming and far less creepy story about the internet’s most beloved animal.

Now, sit back, relax, and skim over this world first in a new age of poetry!

Green Eggs and Spam

I am Sam
Sam I am
I spam spam,
Spam I spam.

That Sam-I-am!
That spam he spams!
I do not like that Sam-I-am!

Do you like
blog posts and spam?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I will not read the reposts you spam.

Would you like them
here or there?
Via email, Facebook, Twitter -
anywhere?

I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not want on Facebook please,
Your religious reference to 3:10 Ecclesiastes:
do l look like a Jesus fan
that appreciates your God-based Bible rant?
And I do not want your Buzzfeed junk -
the List-icle equivalent of a dead, rotting skunk -
all collated, aggregated, uncreative,
Steals traffic from content-producers in a way that’s blatant.
If I do say so myself:
“24 ways Buzzfeed is repetitive as hell”.
The monotony you call your “clever tweets”
I will unfollow, unfriend, delete.
Your blogspot.com inane debate
has become quite boring of late.
Besides, I’m only one of eight lonely readers,
and when your words hit my brain it’s like you’re trying to bleed it;
I will not read it, Sam-I-am:
not if it were the last blog in the all the land.
The Instagram tedium you incessantly punt,
makes you look like a shallow, selfie-loving c… er… character.
You abuse too many hashtags in every single pic,
and frankly, Sam, it makes me sick.
And the comments you leave all over News24:
Well, we can see how edgy they are - they’re all ignored.
And like it or not, you know it is true,
One-word tweets even have more character than you.

But what about my pics from overseas?
Will you like them on Facebook, comment, please?
This photo of me by a Dutch house?
Here I am at Disneyland with Mickey Mouse!

I do not like them,
not one bit.
About Eurotrip photos,
I could not give a shit.
I don’t like you next to what is simply just a house.
I do not like you next to a douche capitalist mouse.
I do not like them
here or there.
Long story short?
NO ONE CARES.

I do not like
the spam you spam,
I do not like it,
Sam-I-am.

Would you retweet them,
tag me please?
There’s even a ‘share’ button
to increase the ease!

Not on a PC.
Not on a Mac.
Not on any network,
You Zuckerberg twat.
I would not share them
here or there,
disseminate your mediocrity anywhere:
Not a car;
Not a train;
Not in sun;
Not in rain;
I would not read your unceasing spam -
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like
your tedious and repetitive attempts at web-based depth,
using frankly laughably inadequate and empty microblogging platforms to discuss of what are usually
complex and multifaceted issues requiring more than just a simplistic, text-focused approach
to fully critique and deconstruct,
Sam-I-am.