Science and evolution: God’s hidden punishment

Enough time has passed for the death threats to be considered “low risk”, and so Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen is back. This time on his blisteringly hot skillet of truth: the rancid lie-meat of science and evolution.

People always ask me, “Johan, you’re really smart and good-looking, and incredibly charismatic and well-read, not to mention just generally the nicest guy around, but how do you balance seeming opposing views of science (and its central tenets of evolution, phyletic gradualism and the development and origins of life) against close-held and personally cherished ideas of God, religion, and a Biblical and true creation story?”

And for most people who read the Bible, the answer seems easy: that science is a lie, a gargantuan, Brobdinagian confabulation designed to keep us from trusting in God and his unconditional love that requires only that we obey his every word and command.

But really, my friends, the answer is much more simple and cunning: science and evolution are real. But God created them to punish us feeble nonbelievers and doubters.

Actual photo of Charles Darwin.

Now of course, evolution is just a theory. It’s not even based on facts; this is true of all science theories. Even scientists know this: that’s why they’re called “the theory” and not “the fact of evolution” or “the fact of gravity”.

But in this world of tens of thousands of gods appearing in a plethora of cultures across geological ages in all corners of the globe, and the overwhelming, constant lies of science, you need to think critically and carefully, take all the data into mind - and then use it to reject the sceptical, aloof mindset that always seems to think you need proof to think something is true.

“It’s impossible” I hear you scoff smugly like the heartless atheists you are. “The two are contradictory and mutually exclusive, and indeed the facts of one are diametrically opposed to the core beliefs of the other!”

But that’s where you’re wrong.

They aren’t mutually exclusive phenomena, but instead happen alongside one another – and not in the way you’ve heard: where we decided God invented evolution after only 200 years of denying its existence. You see, science didn’t “kill god” as some say – science was invented by God to mislead and punish the wicked.

Only God – a truly benevolent being of infinite power, wisdom and love – can create sunsets, ice-cream and medicine. He created Eden. He creates beauty, magic, awe, wonder. He created you and me. He created Supersport and casual racism.

Scientists: truly evil. Photographs don't lie. 

However, he knew, in his might and wisdom, that people would doubt the Bible; that people would say “Leviticus this” and “radiometric dating that” and “lack of empirical evidence that can be used to qualify and validate a given hypothesis” yada yada yada. So he created Evolution to punish them.

Only something as evil as evolution and Darwinism could take a harmless, joyful God-handcrafted little fruitfly and force it to change, slowly, over hundreds of years, in minor incremental steps to develop a stinger that would allow it to suck the blood of innocent babies, and inject symbiotic deadly parasites in their tiny veins, infecting and killing them slowly. Only evolution – a vile and twisted concept, I’m sure you’ll agree – would take the billions of illness- and pestilence-free viruses and bacteria and slowly but surely make them build up minor changes to their DNA structure that would let them ravage the human body and kills millions of people.

God knew science and scientists would one day mislead people. So created science – things like evolution, not to mention astrophysics, geology and chemistry – to mislead the scientists.

God created what is good; science turns it into evil.

It’s just another one of God’s ways of testing your faith, like purposefully putting dinosaur bones on the Earth or making a seemingly true set of physical and astronomical phenomena that go against the truths of Heliocentrism. Evolution is nothing better than the hundreds of thousands of other heathen clay idols – like Allah, quantum physics and the idea that the All Blacks are a better rugby team – put on Earth to misguide you.

My friends, you need to educate yourself to avoid eternal damnation. The next time you hear a scientist say something like “oh, We don't actually come from monkeys; rather, we and the apes share a common prehistoric ancestor that underwent thousands of minor changes over thousands of years to give two very different but related organisms”, just use some very simple arguments to checkmate them.

Arguments like, “Then why are there still monkeys around?”

Arguments like, “So you’re saying we should fuck monkeys, you sick bastard?”

God made man and woman. Just remember also that he made monkeys too, and that those monkeys evolved to become scientists. And why in the world would anyone trust a monkey?

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

NASA pledges $100b program to find intelligent life on Earth

Citing the age-old adage that “you can’t run before you’ve learnt to crawl”, the National Aeronautical Space Agency has today announced their suspension of the multi-million dollar program to find intelligent life out in space - in favour of a multi-billion dollar program to first find intelligent life on Earth.

NASA, which first started their SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) wing in the 1980s, says that it’s about time we found sentient, thinking, smart beings on our slice of the solar system.

“We know it’s a needle-in-a-haystack operation,” said NASA’s chief coordinator for the global search program SEBI (Search for Earth-Based Intelligence), Rocky Tjips. “Given our long and mentally-undeveloped history of race-based hatred, purposeful environmental destruction, war, ethnic cleansing, the News24 comments section and One Direction being a thing that people actively enjoy, we realise that this task may even be more difficult than scanning the billions upon billions of stars for signs of intelligent life – but we’re up for the challenge.”

“After all,” he added, “how can we possibly start looking for intelligent life out there, if we haven’t even found any down here?”

Scientists now say that intelligent life could
theoretically exist on Earth.

And while some detractors argue that human beings do show isolated, tiny sparks of intellect, NASA holds firm that, given the circumstances, these claims are exaggerated at the least and statistical outliers at the most.

“Yeah, people do throw around names like ‘Einstein’ or ‘Hawkings’ or even ‘Newton’, but honestly, just weigh that up against the billions of morons these guys rub shoulders with,” rebuked Tjips. “Seriously, we used to think that the moon was a god, and that radium was a great pick-me up tonic and ingredient in makeup,” he stressed. “These guys were just huge statistical blips, outweighed by the multitudinous nincompoops who, say, think Fox News gives balanced reportage, or think that Ebola is a real threat to anyone visiting the Southern African regions.”

The search, says Tjips, is now on, and despite initial negative results, he says they’re confident they’ll find something soon.

“We’ve gone through the comment sections of most major websites, almost all of my Facebook feed, most Instagram accounts, and thousands of celebrity Twitter handles,” he said. “Sure, it’s a tiresome process of elimination, and yes, everything we’ve found just confirms our belief that human beings are primordial, cognitively underdeveloped scum, but eventually we’ll find something. I mean, it’s not like most people are so stupid it makes you blink and recoil from your screen, right? Right?”

Shocking new study finds “you’re not even my real dad”

The scientific community is agog today, after breath-taking new research showed undeniable evidence that “you’re not even my real father”.

The commissioned research, which was headed by 17-year-old Rebecca Evansfield and looked deep into the scientific field of Yourdaughterology, found many disturbing correlations and links between data previously thought impossible.

“The research really has swept at least one scientist off his feet,” said Evansfield. “I mean, we found a 75% probability that you’re not the boss of me, which gives rise to the disturbing revelation that it is highly, highly likely that I can do whatever I want”.

And that’s just the beginning, says Evansfield.

“Our findings are as bold as they are startling,” she explained. “Just a few years ago, who would have thought it possible that you can’t tell me what to do anymore, or that there exist a set of very particular theoretical physical models that showed that my being a proper grown up now who doesn't have to listen to you could potentially be more than just a random statistical glitch?”

The findings, however, are fraught with controversy, and are already being contested and criticised by at least one scientist, who - the study suggests - doesn’t deserve to be married to such an amazing woman.

The findings have already been criticised by once-divorced scientist Dr Bardensen.

“Yes, we can agree that there may be an element of truth to the findings,” said 49-year-old senior lab manager at the Centre for Chemical Studies, Michael Bardensen. “Sure, scientists now speculate that this shocking possibility could extend as far as, say, you getting a tattoo on your back, or that it even may have as far-reaching ramifications as your going out whenever you want to, but its whole premise is premature.”

Bardensen stresses that the findings are rash at best.

“The data might suggest that you should be allowed to date that Senior in the football team, or be able go to Tessa’s big house party next Saturday, but I guarantee you that these discoveries are all just a part of the ups and downs of scientific enquiry,” he said. “Already I have found contradictory data that suggests that, actually, you live in my house and don’t pay rent; and previous studies published by I. M. Hyorfahtha et al stress that just wait until your mother hears about this.”

Already Bardensen’s theory has been confirmed by eminent researchers, such as senior researcher for the Home Foundation, Jessica Bardensen nee Evansfield.

“Just wait a few years,” said the counter study in a joint statement this afternoon. “You’ll see that we were right all along.”