10 bits of “mean” job advice from your boss that are actually life lessons in disguise

Anyone who has ever had a job knows that bosses can be tough. Demanding. Assertive. Slightly dick-ish.

But even in the toughest of times, there is always a life lesson that will help you on the path to being a better employee and person. Take my boss for example: if you dig past the hard, thorny exterior, you are sure to find some memorable gems.

Underneath that gruff, brash, total-contempt-for-everything-you-are exterior lies a soft marshmallow core that truly cares about you. No matter how much it might seem like he utterly despises you – and even if he did say those exact words to you in the staff bathroom three days ago – really, deep down inside, he values your effort and wants to see you excel.

Here are the Top Ten lessons that every boss wants you to learn.

1. “Are you stupid or what? Seriously, are you fucking retarded?”




On the surface, this daily question might seem aimed at decimating your ever-depleting reserves self-respect and confidence. But what he’s really trying to ask you it to be self-aware. Know your limitations. Before you start a task he’s given you, as yourself whether you are really fit for this kind of menial labour? Do you possess the basic skill and know-how that will enable you to succeed in whatever insurmountable responsibility he throws at you, be it making forty-six photocopies of Friday’s minutes or sweeping up the mess in the goddamn storeroom?



2. “I’ll just do it – you’ll probably fuck it up”

Delegation and intimate knowledge of your employee’s skill base is crucial. A true leader doesn’t let even the smallest detail go unattended – even if that means going into the employee break room and making a big show of doing that small job in front of anyone to show how you’d have to be truly and unbelievably imbecilic to fail at it; or making certain to mention to Karyn in reception how much of a utterly incompetent half-witted baboon you are.



3. I said 'three', Jesus, can’t you fucking count?”




In the professional workspace, arithmetic is a key skill, as even the smallest totally understandable human error is egregious and unacceptable. It doesn’t matter how many individual items (78, to be exact, but who is counting?) were on that list of items that needed to be taken from the storehouse and stacked, in order of size, not alphabetically or numerically, in dispatch all the way across the lot, or that the print-out was unclear and looked like a 5 because of the cheap ink they fill the shared copier with to save money – these tiny mistakes are impermissible. Learn the maths good and you’ll never fail!



4. “Look at what you’ve fucking done now. Are you happy now?”




Observe your faults. Learn from them. And remember that tiny distinctions are important, even where the directives or instructions relayed to you are so completely vague that major misinterpretation is very, very likely. Mistakes happens, yes, but maybe increased concentration on the task at hand could avert disaster. And also, just maybe, you’re “total scum, Jesus, why didn’t I just hire a brain-dead Pomeranian?”



5. “Jesus Christ I’ve worked with untrained monkeys more capable than you”




Knowledge of your employer’s work history can be a potential career booster. It might seem like a really small thing, but knowing that, in the past, your employer has done charity work with brain-dead chimps that are smarter than you, or that on several occasions he has had the opportunity to work with developmentally challenged children that make you look like Mr fucking Magoo or something, could be just the thing to show your interest and investment in the company – and this could translate into a raise, promotiton, or even some basic human decency.



6. “If you died today I don’t think anyone would even miss you or notice you are gone”




What wise words – which of us hasn’t’ thought about our fragile existence, our small, insignificant place in the world? Constantly reminding ourselves that this – all of this – is just temporary is important. And then it makes you wonder about how you spend your time – do you put the rest of miserable life through this job? Or do you take a stand and make a brighter place for the whole world?



7. “What are you doing in my office?”




Boundaries must be drawn to establish lines of communication and facilitate effective team work. Not only to workspaces show easy-to-distinguish categorisations of work divisions, but the closed doors and drawn shutters that separate private workspaces also offer employees a quiet and distraction-free work environment to get on with the job at hand, whatever it might be.



8. “What is that? In your hand? Jesus, is a knife?”




Visual acuity and quick-thinking are vital skills. Being able to speedily identify products, brands, and make calculated estimations of the situation around you is so crucial – and not just for powerful business acumen or quick-witted identification of sales opportunities: it’s also often beneficial for your own health and safety.



9. “Oh god no, please don’t kill me, Jesus I’m begging you, I’m sorry I’m sorryerghhhhhh”




Being able to identify your mistakes quickly and attempt to take quick action to make up for them so as to effectively control damage and fallout is a vital talent. Even where there is no possibility for retribution or resolution on the mistake in question, it is a skill that builds confidence and upholds an atmosphere of professionalism. Negotiation skills – no matter the field of expertise – are always a plus, even if those negotiations end in tears.



10. “Hey, new guy, ya fuckin retard, go get me a cup of coffee”




In-depth research into your employee’s work history and their actions leading up to their new position at your place of business can avoid many stressful or just plain unnecessary situations. Information on a resume can be faked, and identity fraud is increasingly easy these days. Often just a quick check on Google or search through public records via a quick inquiry at your local police station can prevent a world of trouble and pain. After all, you never know when a lack of the most basic prudence into sourcing employment might come back to haunt you.

Especially in this cut-throat industry.

NASA pledges $100b program to find intelligent life on Earth

Citing the age-old adage that “you can’t run before you’ve learnt to crawl”, the National Aeronautical Space Agency has today announced their suspension of the multi-million dollar program to find intelligent life out in space - in favour of a multi-billion dollar program to first find intelligent life on Earth.

NASA, which first started their SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) wing in the 1980s, says that it’s about time we found sentient, thinking, smart beings on our slice of the solar system.

“We know it’s a needle-in-a-haystack operation,” said NASA’s chief coordinator for the global search program SEBI (Search for Earth-Based Intelligence), Rocky Tjips. “Given our long and mentally-undeveloped history of race-based hatred, purposeful environmental destruction, war, ethnic cleansing, the News24 comments section and One Direction being a thing that people actively enjoy, we realise that this task may even be more difficult than scanning the billions upon billions of stars for signs of intelligent life – but we’re up for the challenge.”

“After all,” he added, “how can we possibly start looking for intelligent life out there, if we haven’t even found any down here?”

Scientists now say that intelligent life could
theoretically exist on Earth.

And while some detractors argue that human beings do show isolated, tiny sparks of intellect, NASA holds firm that, given the circumstances, these claims are exaggerated at the least and statistical outliers at the most.

“Yeah, people do throw around names like ‘Einstein’ or ‘Hawkings’ or even ‘Newton’, but honestly, just weigh that up against the billions of morons these guys rub shoulders with,” rebuked Tjips. “Seriously, we used to think that the moon was a god, and that radium was a great pick-me up tonic and ingredient in makeup,” he stressed. “These guys were just huge statistical blips, outweighed by the multitudinous nincompoops who, say, think Fox News gives balanced reportage, or think that Ebola is a real threat to anyone visiting the Southern African regions.”

The search, says Tjips, is now on, and despite initial negative results, he says they’re confident they’ll find something soon.

“We’ve gone through the comment sections of most major websites, almost all of my Facebook feed, most Instagram accounts, and thousands of celebrity Twitter handles,” he said. “Sure, it’s a tiresome process of elimination, and yes, everything we’ve found just confirms our belief that human beings are primordial, cognitively underdeveloped scum, but eventually we’ll find something. I mean, it’s not like most people are so stupid it makes you blink and recoil from your screen, right? Right?”

Other SA towns “much shittier places to live” agree Joburg, Capetown inhabitants

Remarkable social progress has been made today, after Capetonians and Joburgers of all walks of life set aside their differences and agreed that, while both their respective cities were indeed crap places to live, Port Elizabeth (as well as thousands of other towns across South Africa) is a much more shit place to live in comparison.

The warring tribes, which have long and bitterly argued whose city is a better place to live, came together in hours-long peace talks yesterday, eventually emerging united in the belief that that “at least we don’t live in that windy craphole”.

“The history of this battle has been long and vicious,” said Cape Town Mayor Weeva Mountin, who attended the talks. “We have a dark, ugly history of pointless online flamewars and tongue-in-cheek blog posts trying to convince others - but mostly ourselves - that every city but ours is a far, far crappier place to live.”

Pictured: Joburg artist's depiction of Cape Town

“Today we’ve accepted the hard facts of the matter,” he said. "We’ve both realised that the other side is kinda right, and have accepted that our cities are in many ways shit places to live. However, we’ve also agreed that, while we might live in godless pits, at least every other place in South Africa is a much, much worse place to live, like, say, Potgeitersburg, or - Jesus - Mahikeng. God, can you imagine?”

And the cities’ citizens agree.

“We’ve been here a thousand times,” said Capetonian of two-decades, Arvie Gannipster. “Joburg is shit because it has no beaches, it has no small hipster bars that serve Thai-Eskimo fusion food, it has no art scene, and worst of all, it has no huge beautiful mountain.”

“Yes,” agreed Johannesburg resident Victor Mofcrime, “just like Capetown is a shithole because it has no lucrative financial scene, no high flashy lifestyle of clubs and women, and no stock exchange.”

“But we’ve finally come to an agreement: at least neither of us live in port Elizabeth. Or, Jesus, literally any town in fucking Kwa-zulu Natal.”

Pictured: Capetonian artist's depiction of Johannesburg

Scientists have welcomed the findings as “utterly factual and not at all biased.”

“You might think that this is just a case of Urban Cognitive Dissonance, that they’re just obliged to not hate these cities just because they live there and this brings about a warped sense of belonging,” said senior researcher at the Centre for Comparative Research, Eliza Tombself, “but in fact it’s a 100% legitimate, evidence-based claim to make. Quite simply, it's good, hard science.”

But despite the controversy, Port Elizabeth residents remain unconvinced.

“Oh come on. They're just totally jealous of our giant flag and unrivaled ore-loading facilities, not to mention our status as primary motor vehicle producer of SA and largest supplier of vulcanised rubber tyres," said Port Elizabeth Mayor Portia Harboursen.

"Yes, we may have a foul-smelling industrial stretch, incessant godawful wind and basically all the bad things of both those cities [of Cape Town and Johannesburg] in general,” she said, “but at least we don’t have e-tolls, or an economy based solely on coffee-shop takings and pretending to be an artist.”

“Besides,” he added, “I think we all know that, actually, East London is the real shithole.”

Muse and Abuse would like to state that at least we don’t live in Zimbabwe. And if you do, well, at least you don’t live in Burundi.

11 ways to double your iPhone battery life! #8 blew my mind!

You may not know this, but there are literally over ten reasons why your battery just doesn’t seem to last as long as it used to. Well, those days could be in the past – if you just follow our eleven easy steps!

1. Data

   Turning off data is a great way to save on precious battery life. You might not know this, but every time your phone sends a little nuggets of data into the internet cloud in the air around you, it uses up battery. Go into your settings and turn off wifi, mobile data, your personal hotspot and your Bluetooth. For good measure, disable your network carrier as well, and maybe even rip out the antenna circuitry. Every time your phone rings, it’s using up valuable electricity pieces from your already taxed battery.

2. Messages

   Believe it or not, but messaging friends, family and loved ones can use up valuable battery life. For every time you tell someone that you love them or miss them, or just fire off a quick text to tell your parents how your day was, these are seconds of battery going literally down the drain. Cut out this wasteful activity to conserve that valuable percentage.

3. Phone calls

   When you make a call, your phone takes small pieces of electricity stacked in tiny microscopic piles in your battery and turns it into sound and shoots it through the air with your antenna. This is almost the same as taking a short length of wire and shorting out the two terminals of your battery. I mean, just imagine how much electricity it must take to shoot a soundwave strong enough and accurate enough that it lands in the right phone halfway across the world? Lots and lots, you can guess. Maybe even as much as a thousand.

4. Photos, videos and sound recordings

   When you use your camera or microphone to convert sound energy into harddrive energy to be saved on your phone for later, it actually uses electricity. Yes! It’s true! And worse still, when you reconvert the harddisk megabyte energy back into sound and lights, science laws say that it uses the same amount of energy again. So next time you’re thinking of taking a picture of you and your girlfriend’s day at the beach, just think of how much battery you’ll save by just using the cheeseburger you had for lunch to convert these things into memory energy to be stored in the brain and heart.

5. Being on

   Thousands of scientific studies have proven time and time again that when your iPhone is switched on, whether it be during the day or late at night, at work or at home, even if its locked or in Flight Mode, it uses up a major portion of your battery. In fact, even with the measures above, this little horrible function of the iPhone means it will ALWAYS run out of batter no matter what. Turn it off, and you’ll be like a housewife leaving her abusive alcoholic husband: you’ll save yourself months of battery.

6. Applications

   Apps use data and battery energy whether you’re using them or you’re not. But it doesn’t have to be like this: just double-tap the home button to see your open apps, and then slide them up to quit them and free up some battery life. Then uninstall the apps to prevent future battery life usage.

7. Day Light Savings

   This one is a no-brainer! Science has proven that turning your clocks forward ahead during the winter months can improve battery life for up to an hour. *note, using this tip may simultaneously decrease battery life for up to an hour

8. Having only one iPhone

   With the well-padded bank account belonging to you or your parents that you normally use to buy Apple products, why not double you battery life by simply purchasing another iPhone? Lucky for you, Apple’s incredible Cloud services allow instant updates and sharing of videos, photos, contacts and all your data between devices, meaning that it will be like you never even swapped phones! Repeat this trick for infinite battery!

9. Numerical literacy

   Reading and writing is a curse. But if you can’t read numbers, 31% might as well by 150%. This tried-and-tested technique has the added bonus that, since you cannot physically mark or comprehend the passage of time in standardised units, it will seem as if hours or even days have gone by between plugging in your device. How cool is that?!

10. Not having a Doctorate in Advanced Quantum mechanics that allows you to manipulate exotic matter states to invent an infinite-capacity battery

    Having an expensive degree and over 37 years of experience with the erratic and unpredictable behaviour of subatomic particles, which allows you to invent a super battery that accumulates and retains an infinite charge, potentially holding all the energy in the universe like a small, plastic rectangular blackhole of electricity, is something you might want to look into getting if you really want to stretch that white bar as far as it will go.

11. iPhones not being Samsungs

    One of the most crucial battery-stealing hassles of the modern iPhone is that they aren’t manufactured by the South Korean multinational conglomerate company headquartered in Samsung Town, Seoul. But if you just slap an Apple sticker on the back like you did with your car and guitar to make sure everyone knows you're an Apple Customer, no one will even have time to notice the difference because they’ll be too busy wallowing in their crippling jealousy that your phone can run forever without ever needing recharging until the end of time or until the universe stretches too far out, causes a net distribution of energy across the entirety of known existence and kills everyone and everything we’ve ever loved in a colossal, frozen and lifeless void of final entropy.

GuitarHero World Number One still sucks at guitar

Despite spending hundreds of hours on his plinky-plonky plastic GuitarHero guitar and winning dozens of international competitions across the globe, 22-year-old Eric Layla told reporters this morning that he is still terrible at “normal guitar”.

“I get a perfect 300-note streak time and time again,” he said, holding an old Taylor guitar out of which he could not coax even a shabby Wonderwall, that crappy beginner-guitarist’s bread and butter. “I get Ultra Perfect scores, even on Master difficultly, and I can destroy even the third piano solo on The Beatle’s Here Comes the Sun. It makes no sense. I should be at least as good as Angus Young by now.”

He said that while the Ten-Thousand-Hour rule had proven successful for many other video game addicts, it did not seem to be working at all for him.

“Violent video games make you violent, and all the people that play these turn into brutal cold killers with 100% accuracy on the gun range – so why can’t I shred like a boss yet? I mean, I can hit over 893 000 points on Smoke on the Water, and I can’t even do a barre chord yet,” he said. “You know, whatever ‘barre chord’ means.”

Scientists have since looked into this complaint.

“We have done science and chemicals and graphs over this problem, and I think we have found the solution,” said lead researcher Tess Tubes. “You see, where games like DJ Hero allow for the fully real and visceral experience of plugging in a flashstick, pressing play, and then touching buttons and turning dials that do nothing for three hours, GuitarHero is a little different.”

The problem, she said, lies with the instrument.

“What we need,” she said, “is a GuitarHero controller that has not just five buttons with different colours, but instead six rows of buttons with 22 columns. For a fully real experience, he should up the difficultly rating past Master all the way to Real Life.”

Artist's impression of what the all-new Future controller
might look like

Creators of the game have since said that they have taken heed of these complaints, saying they were coming up with a new game that more accurately represented the instrument.

“We just have some legal hurdles to vault,” they said in a statement yesterday, “but already we are working on GuitarHero: Real Life.”

The game, they said, would have a number of different modes.

“Practice Mode is set in the lifelike setting of your room, where you spend hours stumbling and fumbling away on one particular chord progression,” they said. “Once you have mastered this early campaign, you move onto Shitty Gig Mode, where you will cope with terrible equipment, a drunk, uninterested crowd, and a guy who keeps coming up to the mic and asking you to play songs you don’t know.”

However, at this stage the game is all in an early development phase.

“We have a whole lot of ideas – like towards the end of Shitty Gig Mode, we might have ‘Friends Asking You To Play At Their Society's Event For Free Mode’, and maybe a ‘Your First ‘Real’ Gig In A City, Which Only Your Sisters And Mom Come To Mode’. Like we said, it’s all in the early stages, but as you can see, when it comes out, it’ll be like you’re actually playing a real guitar.”