New study shows wild animals totally unafraid of Earth’s most dangerous creature

A shocking report has surfaced from the International Wildlife Management, with lead researchers now saying there is an “overwhelming body of evidence” proving that many wild animals show a totally unrestrained lack of fear of Earth’s most deadly creature, human beings.

“We’ve looked at the data,” said scientists and researchers at the multinational institute. “In Game Reserves, tourist attractions, and all kinds of places where savage, dangerous creatures roam the wild spaces looking at innocent animals, such as lions or sharks, these poor beasts show an incredible lack of abyssal terror in the face of these horrifying hairless anthropomorphic killing machines.”

Pictured: Nature's most terrifying, murderous and  bloodthirsty creature.
Also pictured: a shark.

He explained in some detail.

“Let’s look at shark cage diving. Sometimes, these sharks are exposed for up to thirty minutes to the treacherous Homo Sapiens Sapiens, a creature so blood-thirsty and murderous it has to be kept in a cage during the entire experience - and yet they show no fear,” said lead researcher Alex Stinktion. “Sometimes they come right up against the cage bars. The sharks could almost reach out and touch the person! I mean, every year thousands of sharks die in human attacks, and yet they remain unfazed. Quite frankly, it’s amazing.”

Since the announcement, hundreds of corroborating anecdotal accounts have confirmed the report’s claims.

“I work at Seaworld, and in all my years these magnificent sea creatures have not once shied away from the horrifying sight of even hundreds of these corrupting, biosphere-destroying savages surrounding their tiny pools,” said trainer Freida Willy. “Even the baby killer whales come out the water, right up to the murderhungry spawn of these terrifying animals and let them touch them and feed them. They’re either incredibly brave or unbelievably stupid.”

“I agree,” said another man who works in the Kruger National Park. “I usually take whole truckloads of these species-genocide-craving troglodytes around our National Park, and the animals inside are totally comfortable with being right up close to them, even though these unpredictable beasts may at any moment erect a shopping mall or a sink a fracking well right then and there.”

However, animal experts say this is merely a side-effect of natural order.

“In the animal kingdom, it’s important to never show your fear,” said CEO of the World Wildlife Fund, Dee Forester. “If you do, the predator will smell your weakness and strike. The Amazon jungle and the Polar icecaps were the first to show their fear, and look at how they fared.”

She added that exposure had also probably broken down their natural fears.

“Let’s face it, when you live with something totally dangerous and life-threatening hanging around you all day, you kinda become numb to it,” she said. “Just like me with my sister’s driving.”

At the time of going to press, lions, tigers, bears and spiders had not responded to requests for comments.

Picture from Geckochasing (Wikimedia Commons)

Mega videogame conglomeration announce super AAA game

BoD 12: UBTRBC-Fp1 is set to be the biggest game
since Watch Dogs and Destiny.

Following an in-depth study of videogame consumer patterns, development giants Ubisoft and Electronic Arts have today announced their decision to merge with other triple-A videogame developers to bring you the game you’ve always wanted.

“After years of development, and titles like FIFA 2014, Sims 4 and a thousand Call of Duty games, we’ve come to a very simple conclusion,” said head of the development Carl Pipayste. “Innovation and creativity just aren’t what people want. You want sequels, prequels, remakes, spin-offs. As such, we are pleased to announce the greatest videogame of all time: Borderlands of Duty 12: Uncharted Battlefield Tomb-Raiding Brotherhood’s Creed – Dynasty Fallout part 1.

The game, they say, will embracing new digital technologies and contain all the beloved features of other AAA titles.

“Gone are the days where you’d have to walk all the way down to the store to buy the game and actually have to deal with the inconvenience of a game disc and box,” he said. “Now, at a special pre-order price of only $1000, you can buy any one of our eight different collector’s editions, each with their own special, exclusive content. It couldn’t be easier: just pay and we’ll email you a code to redeem a voucher to obtain a product number to activate a digital key to download a special distribution platform to start the download process. Once you’ve done this, just sit back and relax as the game downloads the launcher that downloads the installer that downloads the verification software that downloads the disc image. It’s that simple.”

The move comes just after Electronic Arts celebrated its 20-year-anniversary of releasing the same game again and again.

The two-company conglomerate now say that the always online game (which uses anti-pre-used and limited-multiple-install-DRM) has already scooped massive acclaim and awards from sites like IGN and Gamespot, which have given it a precursory 198 out of 4.

According to reviewers, BoD 12: UBTRBC-Fp1 is the emotive tale of Eric Blake, a white, American male protagonist who wears really big armour and guns down various shades of brown foes whilst wooing the obligatory defenceless, vulnerable female NPC character.

“Some people ask us, ‘but what’s the story? What series of global meltdowns have created a society in which I am forced to mow down ceaseless screaming waves of various thick-accented ethnicities?’” said Pipayste. “We like to think that irrelevant things like ‘narrative’, ‘plot’ and ‘character development’ just get in the way of all the really big guns and really pretty graphics the game brings. For the first time, we’re running a game that looks real. Hell, even I thought I was in the desert mowing down rag-heads with my M249 heavy machine gun.”

"Besides," he added, "it's got incredible graphics and all kinds of cinematic Quick Time Events and tonnes of Downloadable Content and in-game purchases. What more could you want?"

Fans can grab a copy at their nearest gamestore before the sequel comes out next year.

Game reserves now totally safe

South African Nature Reserve tourists can visit our nation’s game parks in guaranteed peace now, after national Wildlife Conservation Authority SAWCA has announced that all these rustic national relaxation centres are “totally free of dangerous and wild animals.”

“Once upon a time, you couldn’t even move around freely in these beautiful and secluded parks,” said program manager Jerry Cull who yesterday confirmed the beheading and incineration of the last potentially dangerous lion in South Africa. “Because of all the vicious and dangerous animals, you couldn’t get out of your car and walk around safely, and if you had food on you, like a pocket of oranges or some delicious fruit, you had to wrap it in clingfilm and hide it in a scent-eliminating Tupperware box at the bottom of a mine shaft.”

Thankfully, says Culls, that is all in the past.

“These fenced areas used to be filled with all manner of dangerous and savage beasts: elephants, hippos, buffalo, lions, cheetahs, leopards, hyenas and the vicious and deadly African Honey Badger,” he said gesturing to the mountain of bones erected in honour of SAWCA's accomplishments. “Not any more. Now visitors can roam the waterholes and tree-filled savannah unmolested.”

Culls told of how the program had been a decades long-effort.

“We’ve been working for a number of years now to cut down on the number of wild, ferocious and dangerous animals in the world. We erected concentration camps, er, sorry, zoos, and fenced enclosures so that we’d have them all trapped in one place when we started.”

However, they soon realised it wasn’t enough.

“We thought they’d starve to death in these small enclosures, but their numbers started actually improving. We knew something had to be done.”

Culls immediately started bringing in poor locals and struggling immigrants to help in an unofficial program known only as the Program Of Accurate Culling of Herds.

“These POACH members were magnificent and efficient. With a few well-placed lies to the Asians about how animal parts are like biological Viagra, we got rid of the animals like that.”

Though this program has been met with widespread praise and approval, it still fights against completely contrasting programs overseas, such as in the US, where they have started a program to save their last eagle, Bob, and the UK, where they have begun a national initiative called the Save Whatever Is Left campaign.

“Foreigners think that animals are some sort of representation or symbol of the wild savagery and untamed nobility of a Dark and Forgotten land,” said Culls, cleaning the blood and brain matter off his 7.62mm M134 chaingun, “but honestly, have you even seen a Buffalo? It might look peaceful and majestic, standing in the golden light of the dazzling African sun, ruminating slowly and calmly on the undisturbed tranquility of the Sub-Saharan savannah, but we all know that that murderous, psychopathic shitbag would stick his curly, hard horns through us given even half a chance."

However, game parks remain unsettling and unwelcoming places for human beings, and citizens still demand much change before they will flock to bask in nature's breathtaking tranquility and ambiance.

"We're working on the problem day and night - well, mostly just day, really, between 9 and 5, with an hour for lunch and intermittent smoke breaks," said Game Reserve Conversion Manage Deacon Strukshun. "With our planned night clubs, restaurant chains, foodcourts, multi-storey parking, always-on wifi, and massive luxury strip mall to be added to the parks, we hope that by at least 2018 all citizens will be able to totally lose themselves in the endless beauty of our planet's natural wonders."

Pic: Wikimedia Commons

God personally awards ManU with win over Arsenal

Thousands of Manchester United fans took to the streets in celebration last weekend, after God took time out of his busy schedule of ignoring starvation, racial discrimination, poverty and war to give the Red Devils a clean 4 - 0 win against rivals Arsenal.

According to the best-selling author and divine creator, he was ignoring a three-year-old paraplegic and blind wheelchair-bound boy's cry for help when he decided to get involved in the hotly-contested and "far more important" 90 minute period of a bunch of millionaires kicking a plastic sphere of air around a patch of grass.

"St Peter and Jesus and I were kicking it in my pearly crib, when J-C said that Christianity has been getting a really bad rap these days. We spoke about how best to make an impact, you know, really reconnect with our fanbase. We could have solved hunger or saved a dying baby or something, but no one posts about that shit on Facebook and Twitter every day. It's just not popular," said the divine being of unknowable age.

Then Jesus remembered how football was, like, everywhere: in slow motion replays, dedicated sports channels and packed bars.

"It's basically its own religion," said Our Lord and Saviour. "It quickly became apparent that we could look really good by doing something that takes really no effort at all. I mean, I once fed thousands of people with just a few fish and a loaf of bread. I think I can put a plastic ball into a net. Come on."

The Almighty and Heavenly Father's religion, Christianity, is now the second-most popular in England (home of Premier League Football), with almost 23 followers.

The miraculous four last-minute goals mark one of the Holy Father's most widely praised miracles in almost 2000 years. Religious and political analysts have since been debating the divine appearance in great depth.

Other critics have, however, defended the Holy Father's decision, saying that it was a fresh new take on world problems.

"We see pictures of starving children with distended bellies and sawn-off or blown-off limbs everyday," said media analyst Mizrep Risent. "It's just getting stale. So when we saw pictures in the paper of a young boy in a football stadium with that wonderful smile on his face, shining tears of joy streaking his face after his Football team had scored a point, I immediately felt the old heart strings tug. It's a bold new take on an age-old problem."

However, some have critisised the miracle, saying that the match had been looking pretty much dead even up until the intervention.

"In terms of miraculousness, it was about a 4 out of 10," said Cardinal Archie Bishup, "and so it falls somewhere between a plague of frogs and a turning water to wine. Man-U has had a great season, and so some say that they didn't really need the extra help. Hell, they're already ahead on the log. It would have been impressive if it had been 4 - 0 to Everton."

Arsenal fans and players alike have since expressed their displeasure at God's action, saying that they, too, prayed for victory. Notable examples include ex-defender and current multimillionaire Hover Payd."I would like to blame God for the loss," he said. "Without, him, we might have actually won. Thanks a lot. Now all I have is my incredible pile of money to wallow inconsolably in for the rest of the day. You know how many strippers and cocaine i'm going to have to go through to recover from this?"

God, however, personally defended his actions, saying that there was a "special place reserved in hell" for those "festering rectal sores" who support anyone else.

"Every time I see a player from any other team putting his hands together and looking up, or kissing the silver cross around their neck, or genuflecting after scoring a goal, it gets my tits in a twist," he said, snapping a vuvuzela in two. "Obviously it's not me - why would I rob the Devils by having some fancy-haired idiot from another team scoring against us? It just makes no sense."

Russian hard diplomacy could threaten illegal downloads, mail order brides – America Political Analysts

Thousands of anxious Americans packed the streets across the state capital this morning in an act of widespread protest against hard-ball diplomacy against Russian leaders, after Political Analysts realised how this kind of foreign diplomacy could influence their ability to illegally download the latest episode of Game of Thrones or order a wife over the internet.

“We’re all worried,” said local placard-waver John Wilken. “This move by our government has us all worried about far-reaching political and social repercussions, like how I’m supposed to get my next fix of medieval porn-drama-fantasy that is filled with absurd amounts of characters, strange made-up languages and full-frontal nudity.”

He added that “I just really need to know when that piece of shit Joffrey is going to die. I’m not an HBO subscriber, and if Obama’s policies cut me off… well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Lose my mind and shoot up a school most likely. At least it’s still easy to buy a gun, Praise Jesus.”

However, protesters said that these worries were “among the most trivial and smallest”.

“The real issue here isn’t as flippant as downloading HBO episodes of fantasy dark-ages political murder porn,” said protest organiser Jerry Halfords, “but rather about what is going to happen in the new season of Suits, or Homeland.”

Political experts have agreed that the protest’s worries are valid.

“Most seeders and film-rippers and camcord owners are Russian,” said Head of the Department of Politics at Rhodes Unversity Dr Mally Satthews. “Just think how this will affect the supply of hot, sex-hungry young brides, or people to screw with on public DOTA 2 servers? If relations between these two powerhouses – East and West - become any more tense, Americans might be forced to marry each other, or yell hateful diatribes about being ‘Feeder noobs’ at Spanish or Chinese people.”

The international Russian Brides industry, which is reportedly worth over four billion dollars globally, has in the past taken massive knocks due to internet paranoia, and industry experts are now worried that the trade might be stopped entirely.

"Last year bride suppliers in Russia reported stunning financial losses," said Industry analyst and Economics lecturer Prof Eits Ahndloss. "If the same happens this year, we might see a future where women aren't shipped around the world and sold like animals into church-sanctioned indentured servitude. God forbid that dark day should come."

In spite of all this, Obama remained steadfast in his attitude toward the “commie pricks”.

“I urge all Americans to support me and your country in this endeavour,” he said, before adding that if you wanted to know what’s going to happen in GOT, you should just read the book or something.

"I mean, would paying for a song in the iTunes store every once in a while really kill you?”

GuitarHero World Number One still sucks at guitar

Despite spending hundreds of hours on his plinky-plonky plastic GuitarHero guitar and winning dozens of international competitions across the globe, 22-year-old Eric Layla told reporters this morning that he is still terrible at “normal guitar”.

“I get a perfect 300-note streak time and time again,” he said, holding an old Taylor guitar out of which he could not coax even a shabby Wonderwall, that crappy beginner-guitarist’s bread and butter. “I get Ultra Perfect scores, even on Master difficultly, and I can destroy even the third piano solo on The Beatle’s Here Comes the Sun. It makes no sense. I should be at least as good as Angus Young by now.”

He said that while the Ten-Thousand-Hour rule had proven successful for many other video game addicts, it did not seem to be working at all for him.

“Violent video games make you violent, and all the people that play these turn into brutal cold killers with 100% accuracy on the gun range – so why can’t I shred like a boss yet? I mean, I can hit over 893 000 points on Smoke on the Water, and I can’t even do a barre chord yet,” he said. “You know, whatever ‘barre chord’ means.”

Scientists have since looked into this complaint.

“We have done science and chemicals and graphs over this problem, and I think we have found the solution,” said lead researcher Tess Tubes. “You see, where games like DJ Hero allow for the fully real and visceral experience of plugging in a flashstick, pressing play, and then touching buttons and turning dials that do nothing for three hours, GuitarHero is a little different.”

The problem, she said, lies with the instrument.

“What we need,” she said, “is a GuitarHero controller that has not just five buttons with different colours, but instead six rows of buttons with 22 columns. For a fully real experience, he should up the difficultly rating past Master all the way to Real Life.”

Artist's impression of what the all-new Future controller
might look like

Creators of the game have since said that they have taken heed of these complaints, saying they were coming up with a new game that more accurately represented the instrument.

“We just have some legal hurdles to vault,” they said in a statement yesterday, “but already we are working on GuitarHero: Real Life.”

The game, they said, would have a number of different modes.

“Practice Mode is set in the lifelike setting of your room, where you spend hours stumbling and fumbling away on one particular chord progression,” they said. “Once you have mastered this early campaign, you move onto Shitty Gig Mode, where you will cope with terrible equipment, a drunk, uninterested crowd, and a guy who keeps coming up to the mic and asking you to play songs you don’t know.”

However, at this stage the game is all in an early development phase.

“We have a whole lot of ideas – like towards the end of Shitty Gig Mode, we might have ‘Friends Asking You To Play At Their Society's Event For Free Mode’, and maybe a ‘Your First ‘Real’ Gig In A City, Which Only Your Sisters And Mom Come To Mode’. Like we said, it’s all in the early stages, but as you can see, when it comes out, it’ll be like you’re actually playing a real guitar.”

Game of Thrones fans strike back at Twitter users

Following this week's inconsiderate-arsehole-driven Twitter ruin-life spoiler fest of barrages of Tweets after the latest and shocking episode of acclaimed fantasy series Game of Thrones, millions of people not subscribed to HBO reacted in utter outrage, threatening to "rip your goddamn fingers off if you tell me what happens one more fucking time."

"It's getting ridiculous," said long-time fan of the series and now also fan of slow, agonising torture, maybe by waterboarding but with something more interesting, like maybe a bucket of pepper spray fluid, yeah, that'll really get them, Hazan Tread-Tibhouks. "Every fucking Sunday night I accidentally go on Twitter to post my latest inane thought and 'BOOM' there's someone dropping Tweets being all 'OH MY GOD THE RED WEDDING I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY KILLED CAITLYN AND JOHN AND OH MY GOD I HATE THE WORLD' or 'FUCK FINALLY I THOUGHT KING JOFFREY WOULD NEVER DIE GOOD BASTARD BURN IN HELL'. I'm honestly considering either suicide or mass murder. It's come to that."

However, thousands of arseholes Twitter users who posted such messages defended their actions, saying that "they just really couldn't help it" and that "everyone needs to know how we feel about seeing Caitlyn Stark being brought back to life through weird Lord of Light voodoo."

"Let's just be serious," said Twitter user and Game of Thrones ruiner Spuy Laralert. "I post pictures of my food and retweet Jeremy Clarkson's latest pseudo-philosophical emptiness. Now you give me this, something real and huge and emotional and you expect me NOT to tweet? Impossible." He added that people should perhaps be more supportive of his extreme emotional state, especially when he has just learned that Tyrion Lanistar shoots his own sitting-on-the-toilet father in the dick with a crossbow in this new episode, which you're still trying to find a spare hour in your limited free time to watch.

In light of the serious furore created on its digital platform, the CEO of Twitter John Birds said that they would try to enact changes to the site to accommodate both ends of the scale - both those who know that Sansa is kidnapped by Littlefinger and taken away to the Vale, and those who do not.

"We know that there are thousands of people who want to share their heartache and emotional distress with people who are also suffering because Jon Snow kills his red-headed bandit girlfriend and has to stand over her dying corpse while she breathes her last in the next episode that you haven't yet seen," said Birds, "and so we're trying to install a system where you enter the prefix www.haventwatchedthelatestepisode. before twitter.com."

Birds said that this new site will automatically detect tweets containing any and all key words that could ruin your beloved Game of Thrones experience, any utterly remove any spoilers, like when Hodor dies to save Bran from Bandit Raiders before they cross over the Wall.

"It's going to be awkward for any user who shares a name or whatever with any G.O.T character, because all their stuff will be erased, but this is why we have the normal site, www.twitter.com, where you and thousands of other sobbing or cheering 'Thrones lovers can gloat over their lovely little spoilers like Gollum over his little ring, - an example being how Danaryus Targarian has to kill one of her own dragons after it eats the villagers' sheep, but she can't do it and it escapes to the wilds."

Despite these huge changes to the social networking platform, Game of Thrones fans say that they are now embarking on a revenge quest "every bit as epic as when Arya kills The Hound to avenge the murder of her baker friend".

"We're going to spoil everything for these people. Jesus dies in the second book. Snape kills Dumbledore. Han Solo shot first. Jeffrey Winger leavers the study group. The Crème Brulee at Woolworths seems nice at first, but leave you with a disappointingly empty feeling once you've finished it," said Tread-Tibhouks. "Yeah, how does that feel?"

Meanwhile, people who have actually read the books said they found the whole thing puerile.

"It really is quite silly," said fan of paper Peter Than-Ewe. "I cried over the Red Wedding years before anyone else. Now you understand my grief. Also, I find it amusing to sit there and watch my friends watch the episode, knowing what is coming and how it will kill their souls. It's like watching a child reaching for a pot filled with boiling water," he added, before realizing that this basically made him a Game of Thrones Hipster.

Fans of the fantasy-revenge epic should probably stop reading here, because Arya dies before the end of the last book which will only go on TV in three seasons' time.

SA games devs to release new 'South Africanised' World of Warcraft

Fans of Blizzard Entertainment's popular frustrating-grind-fest Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) World of Warcraft have cause to celebrate today after leading game designers and developers are Ray Cism games announced the development of an all-new completely "South Africanised" expansion pack, "Adventures in Zumaland".

Inspired by the fascinating and always-twisting plot lines, politics and socioeconomic climate of everyday South Africa, the game introduces some controversial and never-before-seen game elements that have fans jumping to pre-order the already best-selling title.

"We first go the idea when playing the old game - you have to pick a race and create a character, like elf, dwarf, barbarian, and so on, and your choice of your race affects how strong you are, what skills you can learn and what quests will be available to you," said cheif game designer Roger Jackson. "My first thought was, 'whoa, kind of like real life in South Africa!"

According to Jackson, when players hit the 'New Game' icon, they are randomly assigned a race, which dramatically affects how the game plays out.

"Kind of like being born in real life," he said.

Players who get randomly assigned 'White' as a race (which the development team have now dubbed "Easy Mode") will have access to premium early-game content, the opportunity to go to a good Magician's Guild or Swordmaster's Academy, and have access to starting bonus gold and experience, as well as access to top-tier quest equipment, such as Vaideron's +5 Perfect Flaming Halberd of Heavenly Wrath.

Conversely, should they draw 'Black', the game will shift itself accordingly.

"The starting bonuses won't be great," said Jackson. "Chances are you'll only be able to learn basic skills and use lower-standard weaponary and armour, like Phineas's Imperfect +2 Broken Rake of Sweeping The Garden, but we thinking that the game will more than make up for it by delivering a truly visceral, true-to-life gaming experience with its stunning realism."

He did, however, add that this wasn't a set rule.

"Not all White characters will have such access to bonuses, just as not all Black characters will have to struggle endlessly," he said. "Chances are, most of them will be somewhere in the middle of those extremes, where you're not poor enough for scholarships to the top schools, while not rich enough to buy top-tier swords and platemail."

He also added that there would be in-game mechanics to balance the playing field.

"We realise that these pre-game conditions make for severe disparities between different character types," he said, "which is why we have implemented code for our Equal Quest Employment and Empowerment Policy. With EQEE, for example, you can only accept the quest to slay the Valyrian Demon King Shar'galhduur in the Northern Dragonwastes if you're fully compliant and have submitted all relevent documentation for full level-4 accreditation."

Adventures in Zumaland will hit stores across the country in October.

Rugby ref union to introduce new measures

The International Rugby Board (IRB) Panel of Referees (PR) has caused a stir among fans of the beautiful game this morning after announcing that it would be introducing more stringent controls to the reffing union, as well as hiring more "fair and unbiased" officials from smokey and packed bars to watch over future games.

According to head of the panel, Ray Fourie, the panel will now be drawing from the rich abunandance of highly qualified part-time referees that watch international and club games in bars across the country.

"It all started last weekend, when I was watching the New Zealand - South Africa game," said Fourie. "There was this tackle that may or may not have been high, and then everyone in the bar started shouting, 'That was clearly high! Come on, Mr Ref! Are you blind or something?' I was astounded. I never knew that bars were full of people who were professional and knowledgeable match officials pretending to be just spectators and fans. I mean, these guys were calling every mistake and foul there was. They even called a few that not even I or the ref saw happen."

This is not the first time the IRBPR has caused controversy in the beautiful game of rugby. In 2011 they made headlines after a decision to further their equity employment and empowerment policy saw them hiring blind and visually impaired people as referees. Some of these new referees even went on to ref very notable games, such as the 2011 World Cup game between South Africa and Australia. 

"We've always been very transformative and forward-thinking in our hiring policy," said head of Public Relations for the IRB Brad Desizhuns. "We're evening thinking of scouring Mental Asylums for our next batch of employees."

This came around just after the scathing furore caused by a damning 2010 report by the South African Polices Services, which found that some 72 referees were found with massive stashes of psychedelic, dissociative, deliriant and other such hallucinogenic drugs in their bags. 

"Copious quantities of psilocybin and mescaline were discovered in the match officials' bags just before the matches. In that 2011 World Cup game, you might as well have renamed LSD as 'Brycie in the Sky with Diamonds'," said the report.

The new referees will be put through a new training regime, consisting of a few draught beers and perhaps a brandy and coke.

"Most normal referees are put through an intensive and grueling eight-month course and develop their acuity and skills over a lifetime of passion for the sport," said new head coach and refereeing skills training overseer Ray Charles. "However, new data has shown that the same level of mastery and intimate knowledge of the game's rules can be garnered after just a few pints."

The IRBPR also said that they would be installing "Fourth Official Discontentment and Disagreement Monitors" in bars across the country.

"That way, if our new referees miss something, all those leftover professional referees will be able communicate with our on-field officials by way of their discontended yells, tuts, mutters and held-up-in-the-air-in-disbelief hands," said Fourie.

Repeated calls to get in contact on the telephone with the IRBPR for further comment have, however, proven to be unsuccessful. But that's okay. 

We're guessing it's not the first time they've had 200 missed calls in 80 minutes.