Turning topic into race, gender issue “exactly what was needed”

True progress showed itself on Facebook today, after an innocent, inoffensive status was immediately turned into a racial and gender issue.

The post, which was a harmless joke about the Springbok’s match last weekend against New Zealand, only lasted 12 minutes before being skewed and twisted out of context and proportion to become an embittered flamewar about racism and sexism in the white-supremacist-capitalist patriarchy of televised sports culture. In just one day it attracted thousands of comments and arguments from incensed online commenters.

The status’s author, Jake Hendersen, now says that he’s glad they’ve started a “conversation” around race and sexism.

“You know, when I posted my status I just wanted to poke fun at New Zealand friends about this weekend’s match and say ‘springboks r the best lol all blacks are so useless’, not knowing my awful spelling would cause a digital meltdown,” he told reporters this morning.

“But now that hundreds of people are typing out ALL-CAPS hate speech, racial slurs, ad hominem attacks and demands that the idiots on the opposing side go read a fucking book, I’m glad to see a ‘discussion’ has started. This is just the first step one a long, arduous journey to a future free of racism, gender-based hatred, and harmless humour.

The post, which now stands at 21 485 likes and 11 792 comments, has been called “just what we all needed” by Human Rights advocacy groups.

“This is how we change the world: by getting people coming together, talking, discussing, and calling each other 'total retards who haven’t even read a book in their damn lives',” said chief researcher for Rights For All, Nelson King Jr. “You know, a lot of people might say, ‘oh, Nelson, but completely misunderstanding and detracting from the simplistic comedic value of the original post and embroiling the entire internet in a foetid clusterfuck of ad hominem attacks and fallacious, shallow arguments littered with faulty logic or emotional jabs will just divide and separate us all,’ but that’s where they’re wrong,” he said.

“This is how true progress is made: by just putting everything on the table, showing our cards, and turning every internet user against each other in a horrible, embarrassing hate-thread that everyone tires of in just minutes.”

However, internet analysts now believe such a peace could be all too brief.

“People have the ability to overcome great barriers and create a better, more tolerant future of peace and prosperity devoid of casual humour,” said web expert Hilby Bloggin.

“But come on, this is the 21st century. How could there ever be lasting peace when every ten minutes we have something like Caitlyn Jenner or Cecil the Lion to hate each other over?”

Rugby ref union to introduce new measures

The International Rugby Board (IRB) Panel of Referees (PR) has caused a stir among fans of the beautiful game this morning after announcing that it would be introducing more stringent controls to the reffing union, as well as hiring more "fair and unbiased" officials from smokey and packed bars to watch over future games.

According to head of the panel, Ray Fourie, the panel will now be drawing from the rich abunandance of highly qualified part-time referees that watch international and club games in bars across the country.

"It all started last weekend, when I was watching the New Zealand - South Africa game," said Fourie. "There was this tackle that may or may not have been high, and then everyone in the bar started shouting, 'That was clearly high! Come on, Mr Ref! Are you blind or something?' I was astounded. I never knew that bars were full of people who were professional and knowledgeable match officials pretending to be just spectators and fans. I mean, these guys were calling every mistake and foul there was. They even called a few that not even I or the ref saw happen."

This is not the first time the IRBPR has caused controversy in the beautiful game of rugby. In 2011 they made headlines after a decision to further their equity employment and empowerment policy saw them hiring blind and visually impaired people as referees. Some of these new referees even went on to ref very notable games, such as the 2011 World Cup game between South Africa and Australia. 

"We've always been very transformative and forward-thinking in our hiring policy," said head of Public Relations for the IRB Brad Desizhuns. "We're evening thinking of scouring Mental Asylums for our next batch of employees."

This came around just after the scathing furore caused by a damning 2010 report by the South African Polices Services, which found that some 72 referees were found with massive stashes of psychedelic, dissociative, deliriant and other such hallucinogenic drugs in their bags. 

"Copious quantities of psilocybin and mescaline were discovered in the match officials' bags just before the matches. In that 2011 World Cup game, you might as well have renamed LSD as 'Brycie in the Sky with Diamonds'," said the report.

The new referees will be put through a new training regime, consisting of a few draught beers and perhaps a brandy and coke.

"Most normal referees are put through an intensive and grueling eight-month course and develop their acuity and skills over a lifetime of passion for the sport," said new head coach and refereeing skills training overseer Ray Charles. "However, new data has shown that the same level of mastery and intimate knowledge of the game's rules can be garnered after just a few pints."

The IRBPR also said that they would be installing "Fourth Official Discontentment and Disagreement Monitors" in bars across the country.

"That way, if our new referees miss something, all those leftover professional referees will be able communicate with our on-field officials by way of their discontended yells, tuts, mutters and held-up-in-the-air-in-disbelief hands," said Fourie.

Repeated calls to get in contact on the telephone with the IRBPR for further comment have, however, proven to be unsuccessful. But that's okay. 

We're guessing it's not the first time they've had 200 missed calls in 80 minutes.