DVD companies adopt Adam Sandler anti-piracy measures

Taking a firm stance against the worsening global trend of illegally downloading films and series, DVD and CD production companies have today announced their decision to embed all their products with powerful anti-piracy measures, such as Adam Sandler’s Funny People or Jack and Jill.

"When we look at past cases of illegal downloads and internet piracy, we see time and time again how any CD or DVD protected with embedded content made by Adam Sandler is a powerful agent in deterring torrenters from stealing films,” said a spokesperson for Miramax Pictures, Hugh Torrent. “No one downloads them. In fact, the measures are so powerful that they have been known to even instill overwhelming sensations of nausea, vomiting and suicide in those exposed to them.”

"Imagine the scene: you're a pirate. You want to watch the latest Game of Thrones episode, but don't want to support the studio or actors in it. So you just illegally download from some shady site. That awesome theme music plays - we like to lull them into a sense of false security - and then BOOM. Subtle racism and vomit-inducing fart jokes bereft of any talent hits you straight in the brain."

Torrents said the historical evidence was powerful.

“Time and time again, we have seen the potency of footage embedded with this protection software. In the past we have run many, many experiments testing the latest versions of this defence software. Like when we first introduced the advanced content protection software in Spanglish and then slowly started to perfect it into its pirate-viewer-kryptonite forms in Blended and, oh god, Grown Ups 2. Literally no one pirates that last movie. Sure, it was so powerful it physically sickened legitimate viewers in the theatre, but that's the price we pay in the war against torrenters.”

And despite universal outcry from international human rights organisations and activism groups saying that such measures are “an extreme abuse of power” and “a despicably cruel extreme”, movie companies have stood by their decision.

“We’ve tried to scare off pirates with Cease and Desist letters, legal threats, huge fines, jail time, and really stupid anti-piracy adverts, but [illegal downloads] have continued unabated,” he said. “It’s about time we took extreme measures.”

However, the move has been branded “unoriginal copy-catting” by the South African film industry, saying they’ve been doing this for years.

“Piracy has been a huge issue in South Africa for years,” they said. “This is why we routinely protect our CDs and DVDs with content produced by Steve Hofmeyr and Leon Schuster – anti-piracy methods so powerful they’ve been known to make people commit suicide in the most brutal manner possible right in public places."

For those of you wanting to copy-paste this onto their own website without my permission, please study the image below.

Pic (my edit) made of Commons images and Head by Alex Neman. Yes, I know the hand is the wrong way round. Jesus, give me a break.

Mega videogame conglomeration announce super AAA game

BoD 12: UBTRBC-Fp1 is set to be the biggest game
since Watch Dogs and Destiny.

Following an in-depth study of videogame consumer patterns, development giants Ubisoft and Electronic Arts have today announced their decision to merge with other triple-A videogame developers to bring you the game you’ve always wanted.

“After years of development, and titles like FIFA 2014, Sims 4 and a thousand Call of Duty games, we’ve come to a very simple conclusion,” said head of the development Carl Pipayste. “Innovation and creativity just aren’t what people want. You want sequels, prequels, remakes, spin-offs. As such, we are pleased to announce the greatest videogame of all time: Borderlands of Duty 12: Uncharted Battlefield Tomb-Raiding Brotherhood’s Creed – Dynasty Fallout part 1.

The game, they say, will embracing new digital technologies and contain all the beloved features of other AAA titles.

“Gone are the days where you’d have to walk all the way down to the store to buy the game and actually have to deal with the inconvenience of a game disc and box,” he said. “Now, at a special pre-order price of only $1000, you can buy any one of our eight different collector’s editions, each with their own special, exclusive content. It couldn’t be easier: just pay and we’ll email you a code to redeem a voucher to obtain a product number to activate a digital key to download a special distribution platform to start the download process. Once you’ve done this, just sit back and relax as the game downloads the launcher that downloads the installer that downloads the verification software that downloads the disc image. It’s that simple.”

The move comes just after Electronic Arts celebrated its 20-year-anniversary of releasing the same game again and again.

The two-company conglomerate now say that the always online game (which uses anti-pre-used and limited-multiple-install-DRM) has already scooped massive acclaim and awards from sites like IGN and Gamespot, which have given it a precursory 198 out of 4.

According to reviewers, BoD 12: UBTRBC-Fp1 is the emotive tale of Eric Blake, a white, American male protagonist who wears really big armour and guns down various shades of brown foes whilst wooing the obligatory defenceless, vulnerable female NPC character.

“Some people ask us, ‘but what’s the story? What series of global meltdowns have created a society in which I am forced to mow down ceaseless screaming waves of various thick-accented ethnicities?’” said Pipayste. “We like to think that irrelevant things like ‘narrative’, ‘plot’ and ‘character development’ just get in the way of all the really big guns and really pretty graphics the game brings. For the first time, we’re running a game that looks real. Hell, even I thought I was in the desert mowing down rag-heads with my M249 heavy machine gun.”

"Besides," he added, "it's got incredible graphics and all kinds of cinematic Quick Time Events and tonnes of Downloadable Content and in-game purchases. What more could you want?"

Fans can grab a copy at their nearest gamestore before the sequel comes out next year.