A shocking report has surfaced from the International Wildlife Management, with lead researchers now saying there is an “overwhelming body of evidence” proving that many wild animals show a totally unrestrained lack of fear of Earth’s most deadly creature, human beings.
“We’ve looked at the data,” said scientists and researchers at the multinational institute. “In Game Reserves, tourist attractions, and all kinds of places where savage, dangerous creatures roam the wild spaces looking at innocent animals, such as lions or sharks, these poor beasts show an incredible lack of abyssal terror in the face of these horrifying hairless anthropomorphic killing machines.”
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| Pictured: Nature's most terrifying, murderous and bloodthirsty creature. Also pictured: a shark. |
He explained in some detail.
“Let’s look at shark cage diving. Sometimes, these sharks are exposed for up to thirty minutes to the treacherous Homo Sapiens Sapiens, a creature so blood-thirsty and murderous it has to be kept in a cage during the entire experience - and yet they show no fear,” said lead researcher Alex Stinktion. “Sometimes they come right up against the cage bars. The sharks could almost reach out and touch the person! I mean, every year thousands of sharks die in human attacks, and yet they remain unfazed. Quite frankly, it’s amazing.”
Since the announcement, hundreds of corroborating anecdotal accounts have confirmed the report’s claims.
“I work at Seaworld, and in all my years these magnificent sea creatures have not once shied away from the horrifying sight of even hundreds of these corrupting, biosphere-destroying savages surrounding their tiny pools,” said trainer Freida Willy. “Even the baby killer whales come out the water, right up to the murderhungry spawn of these terrifying animals and let them touch them and feed them. They’re either incredibly brave or unbelievably stupid.”
“I agree,” said another man who works in the Kruger National Park. “I usually take whole truckloads of these species-genocide-craving troglodytes around our National Park, and the animals inside are totally comfortable with being right up close to them, even though these unpredictable beasts may at any moment erect a shopping mall or a sink a fracking well right then and there.”
However, animal experts say this is merely a side-effect of natural order.
“In the animal kingdom, it’s important to never show your fear,” said CEO of the World Wildlife Fund, Dee Forester. “If you do, the predator will smell your weakness and strike. The Amazon jungle and the Polar icecaps were the first to show their fear, and look at how they fared.”
She added that exposure had also probably broken down their natural fears.
“Let’s face it, when you live with something totally dangerous and life-threatening hanging around you all day, you kinda become numb to it,” she said. “Just like me with my sister’s driving.”
At the time of going to press, lions, tigers, bears and spiders had not responded to requests for comments.
Picture from Geckochasing (Wikimedia Commons)
