New study shows wild animals totally unafraid of Earth’s most dangerous creature

A shocking report has surfaced from the International Wildlife Management, with lead researchers now saying there is an “overwhelming body of evidence” proving that many wild animals show a totally unrestrained lack of fear of Earth’s most deadly creature, human beings.

“We’ve looked at the data,” said scientists and researchers at the multinational institute. “In Game Reserves, tourist attractions, and all kinds of places where savage, dangerous creatures roam the wild spaces looking at innocent animals, such as lions or sharks, these poor beasts show an incredible lack of abyssal terror in the face of these horrifying hairless anthropomorphic killing machines.”

Pictured: Nature's most terrifying, murderous and  bloodthirsty creature.
Also pictured: a shark.

He explained in some detail.

“Let’s look at shark cage diving. Sometimes, these sharks are exposed for up to thirty minutes to the treacherous Homo Sapiens Sapiens, a creature so blood-thirsty and murderous it has to be kept in a cage during the entire experience - and yet they show no fear,” said lead researcher Alex Stinktion. “Sometimes they come right up against the cage bars. The sharks could almost reach out and touch the person! I mean, every year thousands of sharks die in human attacks, and yet they remain unfazed. Quite frankly, it’s amazing.”

Since the announcement, hundreds of corroborating anecdotal accounts have confirmed the report’s claims.

“I work at Seaworld, and in all my years these magnificent sea creatures have not once shied away from the horrifying sight of even hundreds of these corrupting, biosphere-destroying savages surrounding their tiny pools,” said trainer Freida Willy. “Even the baby killer whales come out the water, right up to the murderhungry spawn of these terrifying animals and let them touch them and feed them. They’re either incredibly brave or unbelievably stupid.”

“I agree,” said another man who works in the Kruger National Park. “I usually take whole truckloads of these species-genocide-craving troglodytes around our National Park, and the animals inside are totally comfortable with being right up close to them, even though these unpredictable beasts may at any moment erect a shopping mall or a sink a fracking well right then and there.”

However, animal experts say this is merely a side-effect of natural order.

“In the animal kingdom, it’s important to never show your fear,” said CEO of the World Wildlife Fund, Dee Forester. “If you do, the predator will smell your weakness and strike. The Amazon jungle and the Polar icecaps were the first to show their fear, and look at how they fared.”

She added that exposure had also probably broken down their natural fears.

“Let’s face it, when you live with something totally dangerous and life-threatening hanging around you all day, you kinda become numb to it,” she said. “Just like me with my sister’s driving.”

At the time of going to press, lions, tigers, bears and spiders had not responded to requests for comments.

Picture from Geckochasing (Wikimedia Commons)

Bob Mugabe land reform finally restores Zimbabwe’s wild places

It was almost 14 years ago that heroic visionary Robert Mugabe first introduced his incredible and daunting plans to restore Zimbabwe’s ecological heritage back to its former, pristine self, but now, almost 14 years later, reports indicate that he has finally succeeded.

“Way back, before the year 2000, almost 80% of all the land in the country, be it woodland, savannah scrub, forested areas or low-lying grasslands, was ripped up and ruined with all kinds of colonial, imperialist foodstuffs like maize, cotton, wheat, tobacco, beans, barley, sorghum, vegetables and other such capitalistic cash crops,” said lead researcher for the 2014 study, Kay Vemaan. “In contrast, only very limited portions of the natural and beautiful Zimbabwean terrain was left untouched in its magnificent, original glory.”

The study, which was titled “Restoring the Balance: an insight into Mugabe’s Wild Lands Transformation Program”, now indicates that the vast majority of these former so-called “farms” are now breath-taking natural heritage sites that are finally indicative of the wild, untamed Zimbabwe of yesteryear.

“Where there were once eye-sore barns, packaging houses, and expansive populated villages, the ceaseless pressure of time and nature has brought back the overgrown vegetation and wild grandeur that defined these places.”

Mugabe’s plan, which in around 2006 went into Phase Two, tackling the problem of urban infringement and civil society’s poisonous, depreciative effect on Mother Nature’s boundless beauty, has also succeeded in breaking down the toxic stains of human civilisation.

“Once, this place used to be marred and ruined by so-called 'progressive' things like ‘running water’, ‘electricity’, ‘employment’ and ‘civil peace’,” said one Zimbabwean man gesturing to an empty dark expanse once known as a “Harare”. “But now, nature has taken back her rightful throne: the nights are dark, water only flows in rivers – as God intended – and the savage unpredictability of the wilderness rules once more.”

It wasn’t easy, said the presidential pioneer of this movement – who agreed to speak to reporters as long as we didn’t call him a prick or a douchebag or an arsehole or a moron of incomparable magnitude or a blithering imbecile or a festering rectal worm that brings only death and leaves only the dire, horrifying stain of embittered, fractured lives in a society gone wrong.

“There was a lot of protest by people who didn’t understand my vision of restoring the Great Zimbabwean kingdom of 1342,” he said, reclining on a sofa of human skin and money. “We had huge riots. Yes, we might have some dark spots in history where we resorted to violence to work towards our goals, but looking at all we’ve achieved in the last decade-and-a-bit, I wouldn’t change anything – and that’s not because I’m God incarnate with endless power and wealth. It’s because I’m humble.”

The program, which finally won its key battles over those last staunch bastions of human resistance, so-called “International Law” and “Basic Human Rights” in mid-2008, is already being applauded by other countries.

“It’s magnificent, his stunning accomplishment,” said President Jacob Zuma. “Sure, me and my forebear did our best to help the vision with our exemplary support and diplomatic complicity, but I can only dream that maybe, sometime in my next inevitable three or four terms as president, that I can achieve a tiny fraction of what he’s done.”

There is much work to be done, he says.

“We’ve made a lot of progress in the last couple of years, what with things like Marikana, Grahamstown water shortages and a ruinous political agenda that breaks down the delivery of basic services and rights like access to water and freedom of speech in favour of nepotism, cronyism and tender kick-backs,” he said, “but when I look at our media, our Supreme Courts and the extensive intelligentsia of our once-beautiful country, I see that my work is only just beginning.”

pics: Wikimedia commons

Humankind increasingly surprised it’s made it this far

Looking back on its violent and retrogressive history of war, famine, ethnic cleansing, racial intolerance, invention of nuclear weaponry and dangerous disregard for the conservation of the planet and its biosphere, human beings across the world today expressed their growing incredulity that any of them were still around.

“I’m just gobsmacked,” said Earth resident and contributor to the slow decline to total self-extinction of our own species Kaiser Malemu. “That we’ve made it this far, despite our best efforts to not make it even close to this far, is just an incredible testament to our cockroach-esque tenacity and ability to survive against all odds.”

“I totally agree,” said unconvicted warlord and general of a rebel execution squad during the Rwandan genocides Sergeant Mance Lauter. “I mean, look at everything that’s led up to right now. Even a poor gambler would have chosen to bet against us, and yet here we are.”

Lauter now lives and works in Liberia, Uganda, and war-torn sub-Saharan Africa, where he runs an orphanage for homeless and destitute children, teaching them vital skills like combat proficiency, how to outflank a dug-in group of United Nations Peace Keeping forces and Grenade Skills 101. “Right now my charity is a grassroots campaign,” he said humbly. “You have to catch them early at a young age to really make a difference in their lives.”

In light of the global proclamation of surprise and awe, Oil companies, illegal logging corporations and industrial plant giants, as well as the thousands of hardworking men and women in the financial and economic spheres who keep global wealth disparities under strict minimum standards, said they would redouble their efforts to devastate our little corner of life in the Solar System.

Free oil, complete with complementary BP Secret Sauce marinated sea bird
braai packs, will be given away on beaches across the globe.

“We’ve already planned massive free oil giveaway bonazas along many thousands of kilometres of untouched, pristine coastline,” said BP executive officer Cru Doyle, “and our child-labour-intensive, minimum-wage-and-Health-and-Safety-Regulation-violating factories in India have begun producing bleach just for the sole purpose of dumping into rivers and oceans. We’ve got this.”

Already reports suggest that these efforts are paying off, with conservative estimates putting Earth as a radioactive, desolate and polluted lifeless hellhole –also known as a ‘Zimbabwe’ - by as early as 2018.

“We’ve all got to do our bit,” said Doyle. “Even if that means doing something as simple and effective as leaving your lights on all day, flushing unnecessarily, or stamping on cute, big-eyed forest critters.”