“Fuck you Mugabe” wins landslide Zim election victory

Zimbabwean elections have been thrown into uproar today, after president of 29 years Robert Gabriel Mugabe was soundly beaten in this year’s impromptu democratic presidential elections by none other than surprise candidate “Fuck You Mugabe”.

This unexpected election was held following riots and protests across the country this week.

The political party – of which very little is currently known – was reportedly a last-minute addition to the political candidature register. According to the Zimbabwean Electoral Commission this burgeoning mystery power was scribbled into the margins of over 5.6 million voting slips, neatly beating the three-decade ZANU-PF incumbent.

“When we opened the boxes, we were astounded by what we found,” said Chief Operations Officer of the ZEC, Riginya Vhoats. “Of the some 11 million votes that were cast this year, over 50% of those were cast in favour of this new secret candidate. Clearly there is something special in the ‘Fuck You Mugabe’ manifesto that resounds strongly in the hearts and minds of a majority of Zimbabweans.”

However the FYM party was not the only one to surpass ZANU’s votes.

“Yes, the FYM’s achievement is commendable, but what really surprised us was the number of smaller minority parties that took their share of the votes,” said Vhoats. “For example, who could have guessed that close runner-up ‘Die You Old Bastard’ would scrape past ZANU into second place, or that the determined independent party ‘Stop Killing Us We Are Starving And Poor’ would cinch an easy bronze? The fact that we have such unpredictable results just goes to show that democracy is well and truly alive in the glorious nation of Zimbabwe.”

ZANU PF placed fifth overall, sliding into this low position just below another modern candidate, 'You Have Betrayed Us All, Go To Hell."

When asked how Morgan Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party placed, he laughed.

“We didn’t count those things,” he said, “as per the rites and rituals of our Zimbabwean traditions that go back nearly two decades.”

However, the majority political power has already contested the count and demanded a full investigation.

”The idea that someone beat Mugabe is absurd,” said ZANU-PF chief whip Arthur Oterian. “We asked the opposition if they rigged the vote and they said ‘No’ – but how can you possibly win an election without rigging it?”

Citizens, on the other hand, are happy with the results.

"This party and its mantra has resounded on social media, in private conversations, and in correspondence with those who send us money from the diaspora so that we don't starve to death," said Mbare Musika resident Ayava Hadnuff. "It seems almost everyday that someone is saying 'Fuck You Mugabe' this and 'Fuck you Mugabe' that. 'Fuck you Mugabe' is clearly a party that speaks to our hearts and lives, and perfectly describes the future we all want."

However, the took time to recognise the acheivements of the ancien regime.

"He made us lots of promises, and he lived up to them," said Hadnuff humbly. "Like how Zim would never become a colony ever again. That's true. I mean, technically it's more of an authoritarian oligarchy, or a nepotistic dictatorship. And he did so much for race relations here. He hates black people who oppose him just as much as he hates white people. He gave us a truly equal state, where you could be beaten to death regardless of your skin colour. Now that's progress."

ZEC officials now say that a second round of run-off elections could be held as early as July – a prospect that pleases ZANU heads.

”Now a run-off election is something we know how to win,” said Oterian. “We’re confident that we’ll be back at our desks and offices in August, working hard once more to pioneer the next fuck-up for South African politicians to copy and reproduce in SA.”

Picture of Mugabe from Wikipedia by the United States Air Force (Creative Commons)

Bob Mugabe land reform finally restores Zimbabwe’s wild places

It was almost 14 years ago that heroic visionary Robert Mugabe first introduced his incredible and daunting plans to restore Zimbabwe’s ecological heritage back to its former, pristine self, but now, almost 14 years later, reports indicate that he has finally succeeded.

“Way back, before the year 2000, almost 80% of all the land in the country, be it woodland, savannah scrub, forested areas or low-lying grasslands, was ripped up and ruined with all kinds of colonial, imperialist foodstuffs like maize, cotton, wheat, tobacco, beans, barley, sorghum, vegetables and other such capitalistic cash crops,” said lead researcher for the 2014 study, Kay Vemaan. “In contrast, only very limited portions of the natural and beautiful Zimbabwean terrain was left untouched in its magnificent, original glory.”

The study, which was titled “Restoring the Balance: an insight into Mugabe’s Wild Lands Transformation Program”, now indicates that the vast majority of these former so-called “farms” are now breath-taking natural heritage sites that are finally indicative of the wild, untamed Zimbabwe of yesteryear.

“Where there were once eye-sore barns, packaging houses, and expansive populated villages, the ceaseless pressure of time and nature has brought back the overgrown vegetation and wild grandeur that defined these places.”

Mugabe’s plan, which in around 2006 went into Phase Two, tackling the problem of urban infringement and civil society’s poisonous, depreciative effect on Mother Nature’s boundless beauty, has also succeeded in breaking down the toxic stains of human civilisation.

“Once, this place used to be marred and ruined by so-called 'progressive' things like ‘running water’, ‘electricity’, ‘employment’ and ‘civil peace’,” said one Zimbabwean man gesturing to an empty dark expanse once known as a “Harare”. “But now, nature has taken back her rightful throne: the nights are dark, water only flows in rivers – as God intended – and the savage unpredictability of the wilderness rules once more.”

It wasn’t easy, said the presidential pioneer of this movement – who agreed to speak to reporters as long as we didn’t call him a prick or a douchebag or an arsehole or a moron of incomparable magnitude or a blithering imbecile or a festering rectal worm that brings only death and leaves only the dire, horrifying stain of embittered, fractured lives in a society gone wrong.

“There was a lot of protest by people who didn’t understand my vision of restoring the Great Zimbabwean kingdom of 1342,” he said, reclining on a sofa of human skin and money. “We had huge riots. Yes, we might have some dark spots in history where we resorted to violence to work towards our goals, but looking at all we’ve achieved in the last decade-and-a-bit, I wouldn’t change anything – and that’s not because I’m God incarnate with endless power and wealth. It’s because I’m humble.”

The program, which finally won its key battles over those last staunch bastions of human resistance, so-called “International Law” and “Basic Human Rights” in mid-2008, is already being applauded by other countries.

“It’s magnificent, his stunning accomplishment,” said President Jacob Zuma. “Sure, me and my forebear did our best to help the vision with our exemplary support and diplomatic complicity, but I can only dream that maybe, sometime in my next inevitable three or four terms as president, that I can achieve a tiny fraction of what he’s done.”

There is much work to be done, he says.

“We’ve made a lot of progress in the last couple of years, what with things like Marikana, Grahamstown water shortages and a ruinous political agenda that breaks down the delivery of basic services and rights like access to water and freedom of speech in favour of nepotism, cronyism and tender kick-backs,” he said, “but when I look at our media, our Supreme Courts and the extensive intelligentsia of our once-beautiful country, I see that my work is only just beginning.”

pics: Wikimedia commons