“Fuck you Mugabe” wins landslide Zim election victory

Zimbabwean elections have been thrown into uproar today, after president of 29 years Robert Gabriel Mugabe was soundly beaten in this year’s impromptu democratic presidential elections by none other than surprise candidate “Fuck You Mugabe”.

This unexpected election was held following riots and protests across the country this week.

The political party – of which very little is currently known – was reportedly a last-minute addition to the political candidature register. According to the Zimbabwean Electoral Commission this burgeoning mystery power was scribbled into the margins of over 5.6 million voting slips, neatly beating the three-decade ZANU-PF incumbent.

“When we opened the boxes, we were astounded by what we found,” said Chief Operations Officer of the ZEC, Riginya Vhoats. “Of the some 11 million votes that were cast this year, over 50% of those were cast in favour of this new secret candidate. Clearly there is something special in the ‘Fuck You Mugabe’ manifesto that resounds strongly in the hearts and minds of a majority of Zimbabweans.”

However the FYM party was not the only one to surpass ZANU’s votes.

“Yes, the FYM’s achievement is commendable, but what really surprised us was the number of smaller minority parties that took their share of the votes,” said Vhoats. “For example, who could have guessed that close runner-up ‘Die You Old Bastard’ would scrape past ZANU into second place, or that the determined independent party ‘Stop Killing Us We Are Starving And Poor’ would cinch an easy bronze? The fact that we have such unpredictable results just goes to show that democracy is well and truly alive in the glorious nation of Zimbabwe.”

ZANU PF placed fifth overall, sliding into this low position just below another modern candidate, 'You Have Betrayed Us All, Go To Hell."

When asked how Morgan Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party placed, he laughed.

“We didn’t count those things,” he said, “as per the rites and rituals of our Zimbabwean traditions that go back nearly two decades.”

However, the majority political power has already contested the count and demanded a full investigation.

”The idea that someone beat Mugabe is absurd,” said ZANU-PF chief whip Arthur Oterian. “We asked the opposition if they rigged the vote and they said ‘No’ – but how can you possibly win an election without rigging it?”

Citizens, on the other hand, are happy with the results.

"This party and its mantra has resounded on social media, in private conversations, and in correspondence with those who send us money from the diaspora so that we don't starve to death," said Mbare Musika resident Ayava Hadnuff. "It seems almost everyday that someone is saying 'Fuck You Mugabe' this and 'Fuck you Mugabe' that. 'Fuck you Mugabe' is clearly a party that speaks to our hearts and lives, and perfectly describes the future we all want."

However, the took time to recognise the acheivements of the ancien regime.

"He made us lots of promises, and he lived up to them," said Hadnuff humbly. "Like how Zim would never become a colony ever again. That's true. I mean, technically it's more of an authoritarian oligarchy, or a nepotistic dictatorship. And he did so much for race relations here. He hates black people who oppose him just as much as he hates white people. He gave us a truly equal state, where you could be beaten to death regardless of your skin colour. Now that's progress."

ZEC officials now say that a second round of run-off elections could be held as early as July – a prospect that pleases ZANU heads.

”Now a run-off election is something we know how to win,” said Oterian. “We’re confident that we’ll be back at our desks and offices in August, working hard once more to pioneer the next fuck-up for South African politicians to copy and reproduce in SA.”

Picture of Mugabe from Wikipedia by the United States Air Force (Creative Commons)

Immigration - the scourge of the whole world

You know what’s ruining this country – no, the entire blerrie world? Immigrants. Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen tackles this uncomfortable topic, showing us the truth behind something many people are hesitant to talk about frankly and honestly.

Immigration, my friends. Is it just me, or does this problem seem to be getting worse and worse every year? It seems that no matter where you go, you can’t even move without bumping into someone who isn’t from here. With xenophobic attacks so recurrent and regular that Somali shopkeepers could set their fiscal calendars by them, I decided to look at this issue. And let me tell you, it’s a lot more complicated than it at first seems.

Now, immigration has long been a problem in almost all societies. Immigration goes as far back as the unwanted and dirty flood of Jews and Irish and Poles into America in the 19th and 20th centuries. Hell, we could go one step further and say that this scourge was affecting societies even as far back as the Southwards migration of Zulu and Bantu peoples into XhoiSan territories in South Africa in the early AD, or the northwards migration of Homo Habilus and other pre-modern humans nearly 70 000 years ago, or even the ugly, unstoppable wave of society-leeching primordial fish-lizard creatures that crawled unwelcomed and unwanted onto the prehistoric marshes of Pangea hundreds of millions of years ago.

Of course, today the problem is far, far worse, because back then there were no jobs or healthcare to steal.

Yes, friends, it might shock you to hear this, but immigrants are taking our healthcare and our government grants: you know, those things that are supposed to be reserved for South Africans, that our hard-working tax payers shell out for after they’ve finished handing billions of Rands to Zuma for his giant luxury Palacemansioncompound?

I remember a time when I used to think “but surely getting healthcare requires a valid ID and many documents proving your status as a tax-paying citizen? Surely getting the laughably paltry handouts that thousands of below-the-breadline South Africans survive on every month is a bit more difficult than just walking into a SASSA office and putting out your grimy, Zimbabwean hands?” Turns out I was wrong, friends. And that’s scary, because I’m never wrong.

And it doesn’t stop there: our jobs are being thrown out the window and into the laps of Malawian borderjumpers. “But that makes no sense,” I hear you predictably retort, “Johan, wouldn’t most companies be hesitant to give scarce jobs to what you have on many, many occasions, called ‘a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing unskilled thieves who don’t even speak our language’? Surely any employer would want to avoid huge legal ramifications and massive fines for breaking labour laws by making sure to go Proudly South African?” Well, to that I say “that’s the kind of senseless, contradictory society we live in.”

However, the damage goes beyond just the financial: what’s being hurt even more is our national culture and identity. All these immigrants make no effort to fit in, to try and be a part of South African society.

You know, every day I drive from my job at a single-language newspaper back to my home in that gated, all-white, English-Afrikaner closed community in Sandton and I pass these Somali or Zimbo neighbourhoods, these anti-nationalist, unpatriotic attempts to stick to one culture without embracing the beautiful diversity of South Africa. It’s sad and sickening. The put themselves behind these walls and barriers, and don’t even try to mix with everyday South Africans. Hell, they don’t even make an effort to try and learn any of the 11 official languages of South Africa, for example English, or Afrikaans, or, er, one of those other ones. Even the Zulu security guy who mans the barbwire, electrified gate of my suburb comments on it sometimes.

Or at least, I think he does. I don’t speak Zulu.

But what I can’t stand most of all is the pretence they put up, the lies and excuses they tell me to try and make us feel sorry for them. They put up this sad story of running away from hateful or outright murderous political regimes or iron-fisted dictatorships; they give us these sop tales of “brutal police” and “racist officials and harsh, anti-human immigration laws”; they wax lyrical about having left everything – their language, their home, their history, their culture, their families, their entire way of life and identity – just to live in fear and poverty in a country that despises and assaults them just for wanting a better life for them and their children. And why? Well, so that you won’t complain when they take that below-minimum-wage, no-security job that rightfully belongs to people born here!

You know, it’s exactly for this reason that I stopped my application to live and work in England or Australia. All I want is to go there, trade in my green passport, and live and work in peace: but how can I move overseas to live on greener pastures when all these bloody immigrants are stealing the jobs that I want, taking the healthcare and government grants that I’ll need when I get there? It’s absurd.

This, my friends is why I congratulate the ANC on at least one thing: that they’ve stood up for South Africans’ rights everywhere. You know, silly organisations like the Human Rights Watch, or so-called Amnesty International, might condemn South Africa’s diplomatic and political stance on human rights atrocities in other African countries, and her harsh, “unjust, retrogressive” immigration laws that miss opportunities to integrate trained professionals such as teachers, scientists and skilled workers into our society to better serve our people, but I say “well done.”

As tempting as it is to enjoy the cheap labour these guys offer (and that cool perk of being able to fire them at will, which forces them to never complain about how little you pay them for fear of you reporting them to the police on trumped up charges of theft) we need to stick to a strong code of national pride and moral integrity, to support - and ardently defend the rights of - those human beings who share a birthplace with us.

After all, how can we possibly have a better South Africa if it’s full of Zimbabweans?

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.
He also doesn't know his editor and employer is Zimbabwean.

Thank you, Eskom

A thank you letter to Eskom, from yours truly.

And here is a link to the story mentioned in the text.

Bob Mugabe land reform finally restores Zimbabwe’s wild places

It was almost 14 years ago that heroic visionary Robert Mugabe first introduced his incredible and daunting plans to restore Zimbabwe’s ecological heritage back to its former, pristine self, but now, almost 14 years later, reports indicate that he has finally succeeded.

“Way back, before the year 2000, almost 80% of all the land in the country, be it woodland, savannah scrub, forested areas or low-lying grasslands, was ripped up and ruined with all kinds of colonial, imperialist foodstuffs like maize, cotton, wheat, tobacco, beans, barley, sorghum, vegetables and other such capitalistic cash crops,” said lead researcher for the 2014 study, Kay Vemaan. “In contrast, only very limited portions of the natural and beautiful Zimbabwean terrain was left untouched in its magnificent, original glory.”

The study, which was titled “Restoring the Balance: an insight into Mugabe’s Wild Lands Transformation Program”, now indicates that the vast majority of these former so-called “farms” are now breath-taking natural heritage sites that are finally indicative of the wild, untamed Zimbabwe of yesteryear.

“Where there were once eye-sore barns, packaging houses, and expansive populated villages, the ceaseless pressure of time and nature has brought back the overgrown vegetation and wild grandeur that defined these places.”

Mugabe’s plan, which in around 2006 went into Phase Two, tackling the problem of urban infringement and civil society’s poisonous, depreciative effect on Mother Nature’s boundless beauty, has also succeeded in breaking down the toxic stains of human civilisation.

“Once, this place used to be marred and ruined by so-called 'progressive' things like ‘running water’, ‘electricity’, ‘employment’ and ‘civil peace’,” said one Zimbabwean man gesturing to an empty dark expanse once known as a “Harare”. “But now, nature has taken back her rightful throne: the nights are dark, water only flows in rivers – as God intended – and the savage unpredictability of the wilderness rules once more.”

It wasn’t easy, said the presidential pioneer of this movement – who agreed to speak to reporters as long as we didn’t call him a prick or a douchebag or an arsehole or a moron of incomparable magnitude or a blithering imbecile or a festering rectal worm that brings only death and leaves only the dire, horrifying stain of embittered, fractured lives in a society gone wrong.

“There was a lot of protest by people who didn’t understand my vision of restoring the Great Zimbabwean kingdom of 1342,” he said, reclining on a sofa of human skin and money. “We had huge riots. Yes, we might have some dark spots in history where we resorted to violence to work towards our goals, but looking at all we’ve achieved in the last decade-and-a-bit, I wouldn’t change anything – and that’s not because I’m God incarnate with endless power and wealth. It’s because I’m humble.”

The program, which finally won its key battles over those last staunch bastions of human resistance, so-called “International Law” and “Basic Human Rights” in mid-2008, is already being applauded by other countries.

“It’s magnificent, his stunning accomplishment,” said President Jacob Zuma. “Sure, me and my forebear did our best to help the vision with our exemplary support and diplomatic complicity, but I can only dream that maybe, sometime in my next inevitable three or four terms as president, that I can achieve a tiny fraction of what he’s done.”

There is much work to be done, he says.

“We’ve made a lot of progress in the last couple of years, what with things like Marikana, Grahamstown water shortages and a ruinous political agenda that breaks down the delivery of basic services and rights like access to water and freedom of speech in favour of nepotism, cronyism and tender kick-backs,” he said, “but when I look at our media, our Supreme Courts and the extensive intelligentsia of our once-beautiful country, I see that my work is only just beginning.”

pics: Wikimedia commons

Eskom starts star appreciation week

Stargazers are turning heads skywards this week, after South African national electricity provider Eskom kicked off its new Star Appreciation Week celebrations.

The week, which is aimed at cutting down drastically on light pollution in households across South Africa, will allow residents of South Africa to observe our cosmos unhindered by the pesky lamps, globes, bulbs, heaters and cooking appliances that obscure our view of the heavens.

“We’re so excited,” said head of Eskom Rowling Blakowts. “Now you’ll be able to appreciate the infinite beauty of the stars as they shine down on us without the annoying distractions of cellphone chargers, fridge lights or hot water.”

The move has been met by widespread approval and praise.

“I’m so happy,” said one Jo’burg resident. “Without them [Eskom], you’d never even know these stars were there. For example, did you know that right behind your street lights, if you’re standing on your porch, there is the Magellan nebula? Or that, without the security lights on your garage shining right into your eyes, you could usually see the Goran Cluster?”

“I totally agree,” said another. “Gazing up into the infinite and unknowable expanse of our solar system and the universe beyond, it makes you think of how small and insignificant we really are, and how our troubles, such as days-long power outages or half-month water cuts to our community, are really meaningless in the grand scope of things.”

Since the success of the announcement, Blakowts now says that Eskom has “even bigger, better” plans for similar celebratory weeks.

“When was the last time you bathed in the soft glow of simple candle light? When last did you enjoy the rustic, calming roar of a wood fire, or the peaceful murmur of a paraffin lamp?” he asked. “Well, with our new series of Appreciation Weeks, you’ll be sitting and smiling in nostalgic contentment for months on end.”

The announcements have, however, been met with derision and contempt by Zimbabwean electricity company, ZESA, who said they had been appreciating stars, wood fires and the "deep, inexplicable beauty of utter darkness" long before “it was cool”.

“Typical South Africa, always copying us,” said ZESA superintendent Sir Kitt Braykas. “First the colour of our currency, then our ruinous political agenda and our brutal, gung ho police force, and now this. I guess maybe imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: that we’ve been doing this for so long that we’re the experts. Hell, we’ve even been thinking of making an ‘Electricity Appreciation Ten Seconds’ sometime this year. Maybe after National Police Riot Baton Appreciation Week.”

Readers of Muse and Abuse are recommended to print this and other news articles to appreciate in the romantic low glow of next week.

Pic:ForestWander

"Taking selfie with stolen ballots also illegal" - ANC

Following much electoral controversy across the country yesterday as millions lined up to cast their vote (after the Independent Electoral Commission warned that taking a self-portrait with your ballot choice using a cellphone is deemed illegal and punishable by jail time), the African National Congress has also stepped forward, reminding its paid inside officials in the IEC that taking similar pictures with stolen ballots was equally illegal.

"If you take a photo of yourself with your democratic right to choose your future President and political representation in the background, that is bad," said ANC spokesperson Eraaz Abillink, "but taking a photograph of yourself with stolen ballots is even worse. It's unforgivable. IEC officials should be above such actions."

The ANC has reminded these wrongdoers and counterrevolutionary sellouts that the punishment is of the highest severity possible.

"If you show the world these boxes of pre-stamped votes, we will cut you off," he said. "No more tenders, no more Uncle Jake getting his RDP house ahead of the queue, no more kickbacks, no more Mercedes SLR with ANC poster about equality and changing socioeconomic disparity on the side. We're serious."

When asked whether these offenders would face equal threat of prison time, he scoffed.

"An ANC guy, go to court or jail? What is this, a Utopian society?"

Meanwhile, the IEC has defended both itself, this ruling, and the question of the election's fairness with staunch obduracy.

"There is a misconception that we're targeting those people who want to make themselves look slightly more socially responsible and intelligent than their usual -nice-looking-meal-photographing, blurry-colour-enhancing-filter-choosing, thousand-hashtag-abusing shallow selves, but this really is not the case," said Head of the Voting Monitoring Program for the IEC Wahch Doug. "We take these crimes seriously for everyone, regardless of how moronic the daily tedium they upload to Facebook is."

And in response to growing concerns and complaints that in some areas the electoral process was unlawfully disrupted, the IEC, despite fears, has declared the elections "mostly free and fair".

"We know that for the past couple of years we've been like the boy who cried wolf and told the world that elections like the Zimbabwe 2008 elections were 'Free and Fair'," said IEC Ballot Official Lyon Touyuu, who paused to laugh so hard that he simultaneously vomited and shat himself, "but this time we're really telling the truth. Really. There was nothing wrong. I mean, a couple of ballot boxes tampered with and a few dozen irregularities here and there, but I think for this part of the world these are acceptable numbers of screw-ups."

Societies sign-ups a smashing success

Societies sign-ups held on the Rhodes University Great Field last night were a smashing success, says hasn't-resigned-yet SRC Societies Councillor Noah Budgets.

The event saw a host of different societies trying to coax students into joining their ranks, including many newly formed clubs that shamelessly promoted themselves.

One of these new additions was TruthSoc, which is based on giving students the real society experience at a minimal cost.

"We're very excited!" said President of the society Robin Hugh. "When you sign up, we give you a handful of badly designed fliers, a cheap pen and a cupcake. We have big plans for this year: we're going to send too many emails to our members until March, and then fall completely silent and not email a soul. Then, after a few months of buying committee shirts, we'll host one desperate, last-ditch event at the end of the year just before SWOT week. Which is okay, you know, because we'll probably only get our funding then, if last year is anything to go by."

Pictured: a first-year standing between three society booths.

Also new to the scene was the Student Representative Council Society. The club is being introduced for the first time at Rhodes University, and already has a huge number of members. However, this will probably be short-lived, as student political analysts say that most of these members will submit their resignations before the end of the month.

The usual, old-timer societies also showed face at sign-up. One of these was the Hellenic Society. This society has a rich heritage of being the biggest party club on campus Greek culture.

"We have a hectic year ahead of us," said Events Coordinator for the society, Getty Nyadrunc. "For example, we have a few toga parties every now and then, and there's nothing more Roman Greek than a toga. Also, here's a free shot of Zorba. You can't get more Greek than that."

The event did not come without its hitches, however, and for a while during setup, there were fears that the entire evening would collapse.

"Tensions were high," recalls Matthew Johnson, the President of the Society for People Whose Name Starts with an 'M'. "There were fights for spaces and desks and pieces of ground, and there wasn't enough power to go around. It was like post-2000 Zimbabwe, really."

Some societies almost came to blows, until Zimbabwean student Tsvangin Morgirai worked out a power-sharing deal. 

"He came out of nowhere with some 30m extension cables, and everyone was happy," said Johnson. Morgirai is on the committee for a newly formed political society, but they are still arguing the terms of their constitution.

There were also many complaints that the event had been not been held in the Great Hall, because, you know, it was flippin' freezing last night. However, some students thought the decision fitting.

"The stars were out, and there was free wine and delicious cakes being handed out," said first-year Tanya Jameson. "Seeing how in three weeks my dad I will have to pay exorbinant subscriptions, I like to be courted and given gifts before I get screwed."

SABC bans xenophobic ad

The controversial advert from well-known restaurant chain, Nandos, has been banned from being aired by the national broadcaster, said the SABC in a press statement this morning.

"With fears of how people will react to it, we just don't want such an advert this highly disseminated in the public sphere," said head spokesperson John Sensa, "except, of course, all over Twitter and Facebook and the rest of the internet and the news and blogs and foreign television services."

The SABC has since vehemently defended its decision.

"We would never want to spread adverts that contain shocking, offensive or, god-forbid, thought-provoking material or ideas. Especially if they aren't making us any money. We prefer safe, non-head-scratching entertainment, like episodes of Friends that even your mother thinks are outdated."

The SABC believed that, much like with issues of corruption and failing public services, not addressing the issue was a far more effective campaign.

"If we show the advert, we are afraid that we'll make the problem worse. We think it better to just not show it. If we just stay quiet, we're sure that the problem will sort itself out, especially with our country's migrant labour policies, unemployment, current immigration and refugee policies, inequitable housing policies, the problems with identification documents, corrupt policing, the proliferating informal urban settlements, competition for scare resources, crime, and our disconnected government that no longer listens to the anguish or comprehends the anger of millions of people living in poverty," he said.

"If we show it, it may create a problem almost as large as our yearly overdraft."

When asked why they were opting for a 'white elephant' approach, the SABC defended itself.

"We would never use such an approach. The SABC is tolerant and diversity-minded. We prefer the 'non-racially-charged-or-ethnically-marked-politically-correct-pachyderm' approach," said Sensa.

The SABC has always had a rich history of family-friendly, inoffensive advertising.
Almost as rich, in fact, as their history of bailouts.

However, CEO of SABC, Winida Bailout, has defended their decision, saying that the Nandos advert "trivialises xenophibia".

"Besides," he said, "there are other, more important problems to worry about, like that painting of Zuma."

When asked whether he knew that the painting had been defaced and the issue settled, he shrugged.

"We're the SABC. According to us, Ross is still fighting to make Rachel see his true feelings."

Many civilians have praised the SABC's swift action.

"I was really worried for a second there that I would have to watch it and make up my own mind about it. You know how much we lay people hate critical thinking," said George Chimbetu.

"I'm glad they censored it," said another man. "I actually had my axes and assegai sharpened and ready, and I was just waiting for one silly advert to set me off."

Many more have reacted to the decision with anger.

"Typical. We South Africans make one advert and all these foreigners get offended. We aren't xenophobic at all, and if they don't like our adverts then they should go back to their home countries," said one local man, Kenneth Ofobea.

Since the decision, both M-Net and DSTV have jumped on the bandwagon.

"We already show Desperate Housewives, Jersey Shore and My Super Sweet 16," said media sales representative Jane Erikson. "We're worried that this advert might cement our image as broadcasters who are uncaring about the plight of the most marginalised classes in South Africa."

Meanwhile, Professor of History and Migrancy studies Thomas Reedabok has branded the advert as "historically incorrect."

"Following theories of evolution and migration, the Khoisan man should have actually disappeared as well. If Nandos wanted to empirically represent Africa's most original native dwellers, they should have instead displayed a single prokaryotic bacterium saying 'you found me here' in corresponding subtitles."

Nandos was unable to comment on the matter. "We have received complaints to the advert and we are working on a response to be released sometime in the next few days," said HR rep James Makapun.

"We just can't say anything until we've thought of a clever pun or advert highlighting our reaction."