Oscars prepare to totally screw up film awards once more

Cinemaphiles and audiences across the world are working up a frenzy of excitement once more, as they prepare themselves for the annual Oscar Awards, the glitz of the red carpet, and the inevitable disappointment they’ll feel when the ceremony totally snubs the actors and shows which should definitely have won the trophies.

Now in their 88th year, the Oscars have already etched into the world’s culture an unforgettable rich history of creating prestigious awards and then giving them to some other fucking guy who definitely should have not have won.

“The Oscars are a timeless, truly memorable yearly event,” said historian Phil Mireels. “It has a renowned history of taking timeless, classical examples of cinema that deserve to be praised and lauded and that will be remembered, cherished and watched for decades to come, and totally botching the process of recognising how great they are.”

Mireels explained how, despite their rich history making a massive balls-up of who wins the golden statuettes every single goddamn year, this year is set to be truly unforgettable.

“We’ve had a lot of amazing feats of cinematography, directorship and acting be completely overlooked in the past," he said. "Come on, who could ever forget instant classics like Hitchcock's Psycho or Kubrick's Path of Glory getting shit-canned for movies no one even remembers anymore? How can you not cherish moments like the heart-warming, emotionally moving scene between warring brothers which got completely overlooked by the selection committee in City of God?"

“The only big question that remains this year is which totally fucking arbitrary crap film will be given the award and anger us all just like it does every year,” he said.

And with the Oscar’s rich and full history of outright blatantly wrong winners, speculation is rife as to which deserving actors will be snubbed or completely ignored for an Oscar.

”If we look at the extensive of amazing, breathtakingly talented actors who have been completely jilted and overlooked – names like Edward Norton, Christian Bale, Alan Rickman, Brad Pitt, John Malcovich, Michelle Pfeifer, Bill Murray, and Leonardo DiCaprio – then how can you not be excited to see whose brilliance gets beaten by some shitty patriotic war movie filled with flag-shots, lens flare, and an utterly desaturated colour palette consisting entirely of dark, grim blues and greys?" said Mireels. "I mean, we have such a strong field of contenders that it’s difficult to guess which one will be given a symbolic ‘fuck your achievements’ once more."

Pictured above and above-right: Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe are just two
of the illustrious stars to get snubbed by this goddamn ceremony

”I mean, really, what is an Oscars ceremony without you screaming at your television set ‘What the fuck, how did Leonardo Di Caprio not win AGAIN?’ or ‘How in the name of all that is good and right did Catherine Bigelow steal it from Avatar? HOW?’”

And the fans can’t wait.

“It’s going to be the biggest, best and most infuriating ceremony yet,” said film critic and long-time Oscars lover Isla Vilms. “Especially the biggest award, Film of the Year. There’s already is much speculation over which undeserving piece of shit will be given this prestigious award instead of the film everyone knows should win, just like last year and the several decades before it. My friends and I can’t wait to scream expletives at our TV screens.”

However, Vilms – like many thousands of cinemagoers – remains hopefully that she’ll one day see her opinion validated by a meaningless glitzy awards ceremony.

”I know that it’s just a dumb show and that them not winning does nothing to diminish their accomplishments and skills,” she said. “I just think it would be nice to see my favourite actor get a shiny trinket so that I can feel like my completely meaningless opinion matters in the world.”

Facebook user yet to prove he's against xenophobia

Public concern is approaching an all-time high, after another day passed where a Facebook user hasn't changed his cover picture or posted a status denouncing xenophobia and condemning the series of hate crimes that have recently hit South Africa's population.

According to everyone on his friend list 24-year-old Jake Henderson has not changed his profile picture to a picture of a bleeding Africa, taken the effort to condemn the attacks in a lengthy post that contains a hashtag, or even posted a link where other people but him can donate to Aid groups working in the affected areas.

"It's certainly troubling," said a source close to Henderson who agreed to speak to reporters under anonymity. "When I heard about the attacks, the first thing I did was let everyone be sure I was firmly against the butchering of Nigerian immigrants. I mean, without my profile picture being 'xeNOphobia', what's to stop everyone suspecting I might be in favour of burning ten-year-old Malawian children to death? What's to stop my friends and family thinking I'm an insane racist psychopath who secretly revels in the saturation of violent imagery our newsfeeds are experiencing?"

This is not the first time difficult and dark questions have been raised about young Henderson's potentially terrible political motives. According to other facebook users, they've never seen him denounce many other obviously-terrible and universally reviled hate crimes and acts of barbarism.

"Really, I don't know what Jake's deal is," said another member of his friendgroup. "To this day, I've never seen him publically condemn homophobia, racism, or the various examples of ethnic cleansing and genocide that pepper our world's history. How can I be sure he doesn't have a closet full of Nazi regalia if he doesn't let us all know using one single picture that he isn't an antisemitic dick?"

And according to machete-wielding xenophobes on the street, decisions like Henderson's can have dire consequences.

"I walked past this group of friendly, hard working, differently-accented people who live in my area and the first thing I did was check my phone to see how much public outrage there was against xenophobia," said one 21-year-old KZN dweller. "Unless this unknown person living halfway across the world lets me know that he's against the senseless slaughter of innocents, well, how can we possibly expect me not to lynch some lazy job-thieves?"

Alas, just like with those photos of emaciated Somali children, or pictures of bald-headed children, until people like Henderson do their part to stop xenophobia, it - just like world hunger, famine and cancer - will continue to ravage our world.

Stupid bitch’s New Year’s resolutions somehow still on track

As the world clings to the final wisps of those vaguely worded December 31st promises it made to itself to live a better, healthier, more loving life, one woman is making us all look bad.

That’s right, even now, almost 5 months into 2015 – traditionally the three-month anniversary of your return to cigarettes and a sedentary, gym-free lifestyle – Jessica Henderson is still going strong, with a fiery resolve and superwoman determination that makes you look like a weak-willed chump.

“I feel great,” she said with a big smile that we just want to fucking punch so bad. “Since I made that promise to myself to eat more fruit and vegetables, drink less alcohol, and quit smoking entirely, I’ve never felt healthier, stronger, or better than everyone around me.”

Henderson, who sticks to a strict, calorie-controlled diet of three healthy, homecooked meals a day, makes sure to embrace her artistic side more often (always taking an hour at night to read, write or paint), completely avoids fat, alcohol and cigarettes, and is up at 5.30 for the gym, is reportedly an inspiration to the friends who still speak to her.

“You know, with her endless list of impressive feats, her constant donations to charity organisations in the city, and the Sundays she spends reading book to terminally ill children at the local hospice, she really makes me think about how much of an comparatively worthless piece of trash I am,” said friend Megan Daniels. “It’s really inspired me to take my own promises of being a better human being seriously – I really think this will be the year that I finally finish the resolutions I made in 2003.”

“Except for the cigarettes, perhaps. And the coffee,” she added. “I can’t possible survive without those. And maybe the gym – I’ve got a really crazy work schedule, and I need the extra sleep in the morning. And perhaps also the calling my parents and telling them I love them more often. But that one about eating less sugar, oh, that’s in the bag.”

Muse and Abuse would like to apologise for failing to live up to its 2015 New Year’s resolution of actually being funny for a change.

South Africans excited for their one day they can afford at Arts fest

South Africans across the country have expressed their unmitigated excitement this morning, saying they cannot wait to travel halfway across the country to enjoy the one day that can spend at this year’s National Festival of the Arts without declaring bankruptcy.

“I’m very excited,” said one Johannesburg resident. “There are hundreds of shows, dozens of food stalls, and a whole range of different clothing stores and other outlets selling stuff that is quite blatantly overpriced. I’m having difficulty deciding which three things I can afford to do.”

Much fervour and hype has met this year’s Festival, with many leading art critics saying that this one is going to be “the fucking weirdest one yet.”

“We know that in the past we’ve had guys in glass boxes sweating blue paint while music plays in the background, and we’ve had contemporary interpretive dance pieces that make you think ‘okay, what the fuck did I just watch?’," said a critic working at Art Times magazine. "Not to mention we've seen in the past a whole bunch of higher-concept plays and theatrical performances that went right over your head, after which you had to pretend to have understood their underlying postmodern and postcolonial thematic bases and socioeconomic critique to not look like a moron in front of your educated friends - but this year is set to make all of that look like a bunch of Leon Schuster films.”

Grahamstown and her inhabitants are now up in a flurry of preparations to get everything ready for the yearly fun and festivity of the NFA.

“I’ve filled up all my bottles and water tanks at the spring, I’ve bought candles and petrol for my generator for when the power goes out, and I’ve made sure I have enough basic foodstuffs in the fridge and pantry before Pick ‘n Pay invariably ups the price of bread, milk and other necessities by 28% each,” said one Grahamstonian who has also moved out of her own bedroom to rent it out to strangers so that she can afford to eat during the NAF week.

“I think everything is ready for just another typical festival week.”

SABC bans xenophobic ad

The controversial advert from well-known restaurant chain, Nandos, has been banned from being aired by the national broadcaster, said the SABC in a press statement this morning.

"With fears of how people will react to it, we just don't want such an advert this highly disseminated in the public sphere," said head spokesperson John Sensa, "except, of course, all over Twitter and Facebook and the rest of the internet and the news and blogs and foreign television services."

The SABC has since vehemently defended its decision.

"We would never want to spread adverts that contain shocking, offensive or, god-forbid, thought-provoking material or ideas. Especially if they aren't making us any money. We prefer safe, non-head-scratching entertainment, like episodes of Friends that even your mother thinks are outdated."

The SABC believed that, much like with issues of corruption and failing public services, not addressing the issue was a far more effective campaign.

"If we show the advert, we are afraid that we'll make the problem worse. We think it better to just not show it. If we just stay quiet, we're sure that the problem will sort itself out, especially with our country's migrant labour policies, unemployment, current immigration and refugee policies, inequitable housing policies, the problems with identification documents, corrupt policing, the proliferating informal urban settlements, competition for scare resources, crime, and our disconnected government that no longer listens to the anguish or comprehends the anger of millions of people living in poverty," he said.

"If we show it, it may create a problem almost as large as our yearly overdraft."

When asked why they were opting for a 'white elephant' approach, the SABC defended itself.

"We would never use such an approach. The SABC is tolerant and diversity-minded. We prefer the 'non-racially-charged-or-ethnically-marked-politically-correct-pachyderm' approach," said Sensa.

The SABC has always had a rich history of family-friendly, inoffensive advertising.
Almost as rich, in fact, as their history of bailouts.

However, CEO of SABC, Winida Bailout, has defended their decision, saying that the Nandos advert "trivialises xenophibia".

"Besides," he said, "there are other, more important problems to worry about, like that painting of Zuma."

When asked whether he knew that the painting had been defaced and the issue settled, he shrugged.

"We're the SABC. According to us, Ross is still fighting to make Rachel see his true feelings."

Many civilians have praised the SABC's swift action.

"I was really worried for a second there that I would have to watch it and make up my own mind about it. You know how much we lay people hate critical thinking," said George Chimbetu.

"I'm glad they censored it," said another man. "I actually had my axes and assegai sharpened and ready, and I was just waiting for one silly advert to set me off."

Many more have reacted to the decision with anger.

"Typical. We South Africans make one advert and all these foreigners get offended. We aren't xenophobic at all, and if they don't like our adverts then they should go back to their home countries," said one local man, Kenneth Ofobea.

Since the decision, both M-Net and DSTV have jumped on the bandwagon.

"We already show Desperate Housewives, Jersey Shore and My Super Sweet 16," said media sales representative Jane Erikson. "We're worried that this advert might cement our image as broadcasters who are uncaring about the plight of the most marginalised classes in South Africa."

Meanwhile, Professor of History and Migrancy studies Thomas Reedabok has branded the advert as "historically incorrect."

"Following theories of evolution and migration, the Khoisan man should have actually disappeared as well. If Nandos wanted to empirically represent Africa's most original native dwellers, they should have instead displayed a single prokaryotic bacterium saying 'you found me here' in corresponding subtitles."

Nandos was unable to comment on the matter. "We have received complaints to the advert and we are working on a response to be released sometime in the next few days," said HR rep James Makapun.

"We just can't say anything until we've thought of a clever pun or advert highlighting our reaction."