Stupid bitch’s New Year’s resolutions somehow still on track

As the world clings to the final wisps of those vaguely worded December 31st promises it made to itself to live a better, healthier, more loving life, one woman is making us all look bad.

That’s right, even now, almost 5 months into 2015 – traditionally the three-month anniversary of your return to cigarettes and a sedentary, gym-free lifestyle – Jessica Henderson is still going strong, with a fiery resolve and superwoman determination that makes you look like a weak-willed chump.

“I feel great,” she said with a big smile that we just want to fucking punch so bad. “Since I made that promise to myself to eat more fruit and vegetables, drink less alcohol, and quit smoking entirely, I’ve never felt healthier, stronger, or better than everyone around me.”

Henderson, who sticks to a strict, calorie-controlled diet of three healthy, homecooked meals a day, makes sure to embrace her artistic side more often (always taking an hour at night to read, write or paint), completely avoids fat, alcohol and cigarettes, and is up at 5.30 for the gym, is reportedly an inspiration to the friends who still speak to her.

“You know, with her endless list of impressive feats, her constant donations to charity organisations in the city, and the Sundays she spends reading book to terminally ill children at the local hospice, she really makes me think about how much of an comparatively worthless piece of trash I am,” said friend Megan Daniels. “It’s really inspired me to take my own promises of being a better human being seriously – I really think this will be the year that I finally finish the resolutions I made in 2003.”

“Except for the cigarettes, perhaps. And the coffee,” she added. “I can’t possible survive without those. And maybe the gym – I’ve got a really crazy work schedule, and I need the extra sleep in the morning. And perhaps also the calling my parents and telling them I love them more often. But that one about eating less sugar, oh, that’s in the bag.”

Muse and Abuse would like to apologise for failing to live up to its 2015 New Year’s resolution of actually being funny for a change.

Fire causes millions of Rands' worth in improvements to local art gallery

Residents of Cape Town's bustling and bohemian suburb of Observatory were overjoyed today after a massive fire that broke out in early hours of this morning caused untold improvement at local art dealership and gallery Blue Iris.

"We're overjoyed," repeated resident Jake Holder, who is too uncreative to think of his own bloody word to describe his reaction. "Before, it was just all this pseudo-critical, politically-aimed abstract art - like bunches of red and black paint lines smeared across a torn South African flag. Junk, basically."

Meanwhile, even scientists agree that the new, improved artwork is chemically and agriculturally a thousand times more useful and valuable than it was before.

"Ash - or as we're calling, 'Post-improvement art' - has many purposes," said Ashologist Bernie Cinders. "For example, you could make homemade make-up out of it, or plough it into an arid piece of land to make it more fertile. You could even use the charred remnants of the artist's creativity as graphite stick to make other, less crap, art. The possibilities are endless," he said, before adding that, no, literally they are not endless, that's just an expression, you shouldn't take everything I say so seriously, why are you writing this down, I thought the interview was over, stop writing, I mean it, stop writing in that little notepad, stop right now, stop, just stop, okay, get out of my office, security, security, please remove this man.

The art installation, which is now actually worth something, has an estimated value of about R1.6 million in rough alternative fertiliser or charcoal art supplies - that's at least three tanks of petrol in today's economic climate.

However, some residents believe that the place should be turned into a new art exhibition.

"The tableau depicted in that tragic scene - a man who has lost it all, all his time and effort and passionate creativity, in one stroke of terrible luck, lying amidst the ruins of everything he ever owned, his hands stained by the dark ashes of his past and potential future - is actually a lot more comprehensible and emotive that that previous 'quasi-Imperialist socioeconomic critique of South African cultural-political zeitgeist' garbage," said John Xolile.

According to expert art critics, such a venue could pull in some much-needed revenue for the area.

"This could really benefit everyone in that region, as the art is considerably more valuable than it was before," said art connisseur Rip Toff, "and it's certainly more valuable that shoddy free-to-read satire written by humourless ex-students who don't even use their Journalism degree for anything meaningful or worthwhile."

Prices at the new gallery start at R2600 for the elaborate and haunting 'Burnt Memories' (Charcoal, ash, family photographs) all the way to R12 450 for the stunning and intricate 'End of a Generation' (Ash, soot, charred furniture, beloved family pet).