Fire causes millions of Rands' worth in improvements to local art gallery

Residents of Cape Town's bustling and bohemian suburb of Observatory were overjoyed today after a massive fire that broke out in early hours of this morning caused untold improvement at local art dealership and gallery Blue Iris.

"We're overjoyed," repeated resident Jake Holder, who is too uncreative to think of his own bloody word to describe his reaction. "Before, it was just all this pseudo-critical, politically-aimed abstract art - like bunches of red and black paint lines smeared across a torn South African flag. Junk, basically."

Meanwhile, even scientists agree that the new, improved artwork is chemically and agriculturally a thousand times more useful and valuable than it was before.

"Ash - or as we're calling, 'Post-improvement art' - has many purposes," said Ashologist Bernie Cinders. "For example, you could make homemade make-up out of it, or plough it into an arid piece of land to make it more fertile. You could even use the charred remnants of the artist's creativity as graphite stick to make other, less crap, art. The possibilities are endless," he said, before adding that, no, literally they are not endless, that's just an expression, you shouldn't take everything I say so seriously, why are you writing this down, I thought the interview was over, stop writing, I mean it, stop writing in that little notepad, stop right now, stop, just stop, okay, get out of my office, security, security, please remove this man.

The art installation, which is now actually worth something, has an estimated value of about R1.6 million in rough alternative fertiliser or charcoal art supplies - that's at least three tanks of petrol in today's economic climate.

However, some residents believe that the place should be turned into a new art exhibition.

"The tableau depicted in that tragic scene - a man who has lost it all, all his time and effort and passionate creativity, in one stroke of terrible luck, lying amidst the ruins of everything he ever owned, his hands stained by the dark ashes of his past and potential future - is actually a lot more comprehensible and emotive that that previous 'quasi-Imperialist socioeconomic critique of South African cultural-political zeitgeist' garbage," said John Xolile.

According to expert art critics, such a venue could pull in some much-needed revenue for the area.

"This could really benefit everyone in that region, as the art is considerably more valuable than it was before," said art connisseur Rip Toff, "and it's certainly more valuable that shoddy free-to-read satire written by humourless ex-students who don't even use their Journalism degree for anything meaningful or worthwhile."

Prices at the new gallery start at R2600 for the elaborate and haunting 'Burnt Memories' (Charcoal, ash, family photographs) all the way to R12 450 for the stunning and intricate 'End of a Generation' (Ash, soot, charred furniture, beloved family pet).

Artist now confirmed as “true genius” after dying

The life’s work of painter, artist, novelist and poet Edward Rosterford is being hailed as “irrefutable genius” this week, following his death in a terrible road accident last weekend. He was 34.

Since the news of the artist's tragic passing - which police suspect could have been suicide - tributes have been flooding in from across the world, mourning the “lost master” as “one of the true experts of his trade.”

“Now that he is gone, I can really see the poignant weight of his works," said one fan at the large memorial held in Rosterford's memory. "When he was alive he was a bit of a prick, really, and I never really liked anything about his writing, but I think death is quite becoming of him. I think this new phase is making his works blossom quite nicely in a way that being alive could never really do for him."

The work, which was once branded “useless,worthless trash that only a total moron would ever pay money for” is now being auctioned off, with chief pieces fetching as much as 12 million rand.

"His style is very hot on the market now," said auctioneer and arts expert Maika Sithall-Hupp. "If we look at the central, seminal pieces in his body of work, such as Rain and Gilded Dream, we can see pertinent themes of the artist battling to having his work noticed. Exposure, a series of oil paintings on canvas, shows the evocative disparity and bitter irony of never being paid for one’s art, while suffering from the elements in a shoddy apartment that the portrayed character can’t afford to have heated. In effect, the artist seeks two kinds of warmth: the warmth of love, of recognition, of celebrity for what is most dear to him, and the warmth of a radiator that is keeping him alive in the dead of winter. So we see the visual representation and human embodiment of the cruel play on words of 'Dying for Exposure'."

Other art experts agree.

"Where before his the major pieces of his oeuvre, such as Impassioned Passing and Inner Turmoil were just random colours mashed up and tossed haphazardly onto canvas, this major break-through in his career brings to them a new context of reception," said gallery owner Jake Henderson. "Gone are the blase brush-strokes and careless composition - instead, we see masterpieces that not only define a generation, but could make me very rich indeed with a much lower royalty payout.

These and other stunning works by the late and great Rosterford will be showcased all weekend at the De Bruin's ArtHouse Gallery, alongside the dreary talentless bullshit made by other artists currently still alive.

McDonalds to open new chain of art galleries, libraries

Prepare to expand your mind, as a whole new range of McDonald's art galleries, libraries and museums is set to hit cities around the world.

In a press release given by the multinational fast food giant yesterday, head spokesperson for McDonald's Bee Effay said that the company was looking at expanding into the arts sphere.

“We figured that so many of our employees’ skills and qualifications were being wasted at the grill stations and fryer-vats,” she said. “Instead of forcing them to do menial, unrelated-to-their-studies and ultimately depressing work, we should instead be utilising the four years of work that they did to get to where they are.”

McDonalds is set to feed more than just your stomach, as it unveils plans for a series of art centres.
pic: Wiki Commons/ Hecki

The decision to open these centres of culture and learning has been greeted with much positive feedback from arts students and fas tfood employees across the globe.

“For a short time after graduating I took up digital photography, poetry and blogging about underground fashion trends and counter-mainstream music,” said Nokwa Lification, who has her Honours in Post-interpretive sculpture. However, her taste for the latest Apple products and clothes from the 70’s made her soon tire of unemployment. “I thought I was doomed to work a griddle the rest of my life, but now I have an opportunity to say all those fancy words I spent four years learning. Let me tell you, there’s nothing post-structuralist or nouveau-imperialist to critically deconstruct about a double Big Mac, hold the onion, extra cheese” she said.

However, despite this positive move for the arts, Humanities Faculties in universities, technikons and colleges across the country have begun taking measures to fully prepare their students for the job market, with many starting to offer courses in service-industry skills. 

One such institute was the University of Pretoria, which now offers “Introduction to the Foodstation 101” and “Customer service skills” alongside its normal arts program.

“We’re not saying that all our students will be chip-fryers one day. Of course not: there’s always a need for chicken-fryers and waiters too. That’s why our courses are so expansive,” said Vits art professor Tony Scribbles. “We’re even thinking of adding ‘Disappointment Management 102’ and ‘Would You Like Fries With That 203” as compulsory courses.”

Similar university courses have suggested that they’re set to follow suit, with many expressing interest in expanding their courses to include “more worldly skills”.

“We’ve heard about what these other universities are doing, and we think it’s a great idea,” said Rhodes University Journalism and Media Studies lecturer, Lucky Matashe. “With the printed news industry heading the way it is, we’re probably going to start courses focussing less on despatialised commonality arising from archetypal textual connotation, and more on how to put burger, secret sauce, cheese, tomato, onion, gherkin, lettuce, in that order. It’s important to teach our students that just because you write a smug blog doesn’t mean you’re going to be the next bloody Ernest Hemmingway” he said, making this post very, very ironic indeed.