Archaeologists discover ancient Greeks had “some pretty fucked up fetishes”

The archaeological world is stunned today, after a team of scientists unearthed new evidence that proves that the ancient Greeks and Romans “had some pretty fucked up fetishes”.

The revelation came to light after a dig team found dozens of naked statues in the buried ruins of a home just outside Rome.

“We’ve been digging all day, and already we’ve found several armless naked statues of men and women stashed underneath or inside what we’ve figured out are Roman-era mattresses and sock-drawers,” said dig coordinator and program overseer Doug Biggols. “These artefacts – which are very similar to those on display in museums across the world – prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that these toga-wearing deviants had a pretty depraved sexual appetite."

"I mean, I’ve watched some fucked up porn in my life, but armless amputee porn? That shit is pretty hard-core, man.”

The dig’s findings have since been corroborated by ancient scrolls authored by two young Greek men who – it is thought – lived in the house.

“The dialect and language structure is certainly difficult to decipher from these fragile, faded papers,” said leading translator for the program, Jess Ingames. “But the document clearly translated to something along the lines of, ‘whoa dude, check out the knockers on this one! Phwoar, I’d definitely bang her even though a handjob is totally out of the question.’”

The findings, however, don’t stop there.

“We’ve also found several other statues that prove that most Greek women had a thing for ripped guys with tiny dicks,” said Biggols. “Basically they were turned on by the ancient equivalent of flat-cap-wearing, ‘roid-abusing body builders who go to the gym four times a day.”

This is not the first time such a stunning discovery has been made. In 2013 a similar study unearthed other unsettling indications of strange sexual appetites.

“Back then, we found hundreds of urns and wall murals featuring side-on portraits of men and women,” explained Biggols. “These sick bastards obviously had a massive fetish for one-eyed pornstars."

"And let’s not even get started on the snake-haired ladies and minotaurs and stuff.”

The Greek government has since denied the claims, saying it that that part of their history was “just a phase” and that “anyway, it’s normal for any developing nation to experiment with their sexual fantasies”.

“Besides, they’re not even our statues,” they said in a statement, “they belonged to the Byzantines, we swear, we were just keeping them for them, we’d never look at that kind of stuff, promise! Anyway, at least we aren’t as bad as the Egyptians: those thick bastards communicated entirely in Emojis. Seriously, our data now suggests that the average Egyptian was a 15-year-old girl called Tiffany.”

However, the Greek government now says it has a simple solution to avoid future embarrassments.

“We’re going through our libraries and museums just burning and smashing all the evidence of what our forefathers got up to at 10pm after locking the door and drawing their curtains once their parents had finally left for dinner with the Mulligans,” they said in a prepared statement. “Right now, we think that’s our safest option: just delete our history.”

McDonalds to open new chain of art galleries, libraries

Prepare to expand your mind, as a whole new range of McDonald's art galleries, libraries and museums is set to hit cities around the world.

In a press release given by the multinational fast food giant yesterday, head spokesperson for McDonald's Bee Effay said that the company was looking at expanding into the arts sphere.

“We figured that so many of our employees’ skills and qualifications were being wasted at the grill stations and fryer-vats,” she said. “Instead of forcing them to do menial, unrelated-to-their-studies and ultimately depressing work, we should instead be utilising the four years of work that they did to get to where they are.”

McDonalds is set to feed more than just your stomach, as it unveils plans for a series of art centres.
pic: Wiki Commons/ Hecki

The decision to open these centres of culture and learning has been greeted with much positive feedback from arts students and fas tfood employees across the globe.

“For a short time after graduating I took up digital photography, poetry and blogging about underground fashion trends and counter-mainstream music,” said Nokwa Lification, who has her Honours in Post-interpretive sculpture. However, her taste for the latest Apple products and clothes from the 70’s made her soon tire of unemployment. “I thought I was doomed to work a griddle the rest of my life, but now I have an opportunity to say all those fancy words I spent four years learning. Let me tell you, there’s nothing post-structuralist or nouveau-imperialist to critically deconstruct about a double Big Mac, hold the onion, extra cheese” she said.

However, despite this positive move for the arts, Humanities Faculties in universities, technikons and colleges across the country have begun taking measures to fully prepare their students for the job market, with many starting to offer courses in service-industry skills. 

One such institute was the University of Pretoria, which now offers “Introduction to the Foodstation 101” and “Customer service skills” alongside its normal arts program.

“We’re not saying that all our students will be chip-fryers one day. Of course not: there’s always a need for chicken-fryers and waiters too. That’s why our courses are so expansive,” said Vits art professor Tony Scribbles. “We’re even thinking of adding ‘Disappointment Management 102’ and ‘Would You Like Fries With That 203” as compulsory courses.”

Similar university courses have suggested that they’re set to follow suit, with many expressing interest in expanding their courses to include “more worldly skills”.

“We’ve heard about what these other universities are doing, and we think it’s a great idea,” said Rhodes University Journalism and Media Studies lecturer, Lucky Matashe. “With the printed news industry heading the way it is, we’re probably going to start courses focussing less on despatialised commonality arising from archetypal textual connotation, and more on how to put burger, secret sauce, cheese, tomato, onion, gherkin, lettuce, in that order. It’s important to teach our students that just because you write a smug blog doesn’t mean you’re going to be the next bloody Ernest Hemmingway” he said, making this post very, very ironic indeed.