The archaeological world is stunned today, after a team of scientists unearthed new evidence that proves that the ancient Greeks and Romans “had some pretty fucked up fetishes”.
The revelation came to light after a dig team found dozens of naked statues in the buried ruins of a home just outside Rome.
“We’ve been digging all day, and already we’ve found several armless naked statues of men and women stashed underneath or inside what we’ve figured out are Roman-era mattresses and sock-drawers,” said dig coordinator and program overseer Doug Biggols. “These artefacts – which are very similar to those on display in museums across the world – prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that these toga-wearing deviants had a pretty depraved sexual appetite."
"I mean, I’ve watched some fucked up porn in my life, but armless amputee porn? That shit is pretty hard-core, man.”
The dig’s findings have since been corroborated by ancient scrolls authored by two young Greek men who – it is thought – lived in the house.
“The dialect and language structure is certainly difficult to decipher from these fragile, faded papers,” said leading translator for the program, Jess Ingames. “But the document clearly translated to something along the lines of, ‘whoa dude, check out the knockers on this one! Phwoar, I’d definitely bang her even though a handjob is totally out of the question.’”
The findings, however, don’t stop there.
“We’ve also found several other statues that prove that most Greek women had a thing for ripped guys with tiny dicks,” said Biggols. “Basically they were turned on by the ancient equivalent of flat-cap-wearing, ‘roid-abusing body builders who go to the gym four times a day.”
This is not the first time such a stunning discovery has been made. In 2013 a similar study unearthed other unsettling indications of strange sexual appetites.
“Back then, we found hundreds of urns and wall murals featuring side-on portraits of men and women,” explained Biggols. “These sick bastards obviously had a massive fetish for one-eyed pornstars."
"And let’s not even get started on the snake-haired ladies and minotaurs and stuff.”
The Greek government has since denied the claims, saying it that that part of their history was “just a phase” and that “anyway, it’s normal for any developing nation to experiment with their sexual fantasies”.
“Besides, they’re not even our statues,” they said in a statement, “they belonged to the Byzantines, we swear, we were just keeping them for them, we’d never look at that kind of stuff, promise! Anyway, at least we aren’t as bad as the Egyptians: those thick bastards communicated entirely in Emojis. Seriously, our data now suggests that the average Egyptian was a 15-year-old girl called Tiffany.”
However, the Greek government now says it has a simple solution to avoid future embarrassments.
“We’re going through our libraries and museums just burning and smashing all the evidence of what our forefathers got up to at 10pm after locking the door and drawing their curtains once their parents had finally left for dinner with the Mulligans,” they said in a prepared statement. “Right now, we think that’s our safest option: just delete our history.”
