Trumps wall plans “a good start but not enough” say world’s leaders

Speaking at a United Nations conference in Paris, world leaders today embraced Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s controversial plans for a giant wall, saying “it’s a visionary and necessary move, but at this stage, it’s just not enough.”

“Much more work needs to be done,” said the Presidents and leaders of 193 nations across the globe. “For a start, it’s not high enough. It needs to be taller. Thicker. Larger. Longer. It needs to be covered in surface-to-air-missile launchers, electrified barbed wire and landmines. That’s the only way to be absolutely sure that nothing can get into America. Or, more specifically, out.”

“Just imagine the kind of person who would try to come into our country from the post-apocalyptic hellhole that will be Trump’s America?” said the President of Mexico, Enrique Peña Nieto, who – along with his nation – is personally footing the bill for the construction of the gargantuan border wall. “The man might be insane, but he’s right: we need those borders to be utterly impassable.”

He went on to add that Trump’s vision of protecting jobs, healthcare, and welfare were “an inspiration” that all other nations should draw from.

“Again, Trump is right: we need to protect our jobs, our hospitals and our social grants. Right now, there are thousands of Mexicans whose jobs as baristas, social media managers, and website designers will be threatened by a wave of American liberal immigrants. Right now – in places like Mexico and Cuba – millions of dollars are thrown away into giving American immigrants affordable, state-funded healthcare and drugs that aren’t marked up 5000% by greedy pharmaceutical corporations. We must protect what is ours.”

Other presidents agreed and elucidated.

“Trumps aims are sound and well-founded,” said Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. “As time goes on and the spread of fascism worsens, thousands of people will attempt to escape their authoritarian regimes of hatred and oppression into brighter lands of tolerance and respect for basic human rights. Who knows, maybe some of these immigrants might come from countries that aren’t the future United States?”

However, some political analysis have noted concern for Trump’s plans, saying it could “direly affect” his term of Presidency.

“If the border wall goes up, we have to ask ourselves some important questions,” said head researcher at the Palfron Foundation of International Affairs, Hillary Cuck. “Questions like, ‘where will Donald get undocumented Polish Immigrants to work for him?’, ‘Where will our expensive, handmade toupees come from?’ and, mostly importantly, ‘Who will cut our lawns, clean our pools and take up all the shitty jobs that no one wants?’”

However, supporters are standing by their man.

“He’s gonna be great,” said one man. “He has the brightest 22-year-old hot graduate minds informing his foreign policy, a rich history of making tough decisions – especially on season three of The Apprentice – and sound business acumen. Hell, his corporations have only declared bankruptcy like four times, tops, and he's written a bunch of business books that go all the way up until Chapter 11."

“Besides, it’s not like he’s naïve and wildly unqualified and would get totally walked over by cutthroat Chinese businessmen who would just retaliate punitive duties with their own tax increases and higher duties on Chinese products that America depends on, or get absolutely pawned by political animals like Vladimir Putin… right?”

Disclosure: the brilliant Chapter 11 joke isn't mine.

Archaeologists discover ancient Greeks had “some pretty fucked up fetishes”

The archaeological world is stunned today, after a team of scientists unearthed new evidence that proves that the ancient Greeks and Romans “had some pretty fucked up fetishes”.

The revelation came to light after a dig team found dozens of naked statues in the buried ruins of a home just outside Rome.

“We’ve been digging all day, and already we’ve found several armless naked statues of men and women stashed underneath or inside what we’ve figured out are Roman-era mattresses and sock-drawers,” said dig coordinator and program overseer Doug Biggols. “These artefacts – which are very similar to those on display in museums across the world – prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that these toga-wearing deviants had a pretty depraved sexual appetite."

"I mean, I’ve watched some fucked up porn in my life, but armless amputee porn? That shit is pretty hard-core, man.”

The dig’s findings have since been corroborated by ancient scrolls authored by two young Greek men who – it is thought – lived in the house.

“The dialect and language structure is certainly difficult to decipher from these fragile, faded papers,” said leading translator for the program, Jess Ingames. “But the document clearly translated to something along the lines of, ‘whoa dude, check out the knockers on this one! Phwoar, I’d definitely bang her even though a handjob is totally out of the question.’”

The findings, however, don’t stop there.

“We’ve also found several other statues that prove that most Greek women had a thing for ripped guys with tiny dicks,” said Biggols. “Basically they were turned on by the ancient equivalent of flat-cap-wearing, ‘roid-abusing body builders who go to the gym four times a day.”

This is not the first time such a stunning discovery has been made. In 2013 a similar study unearthed other unsettling indications of strange sexual appetites.

“Back then, we found hundreds of urns and wall murals featuring side-on portraits of men and women,” explained Biggols. “These sick bastards obviously had a massive fetish for one-eyed pornstars."

"And let’s not even get started on the snake-haired ladies and minotaurs and stuff.”

The Greek government has since denied the claims, saying it that that part of their history was “just a phase” and that “anyway, it’s normal for any developing nation to experiment with their sexual fantasies”.

“Besides, they’re not even our statues,” they said in a statement, “they belonged to the Byzantines, we swear, we were just keeping them for them, we’d never look at that kind of stuff, promise! Anyway, at least we aren’t as bad as the Egyptians: those thick bastards communicated entirely in Emojis. Seriously, our data now suggests that the average Egyptian was a 15-year-old girl called Tiffany.”

However, the Greek government now says it has a simple solution to avoid future embarrassments.

“We’re going through our libraries and museums just burning and smashing all the evidence of what our forefathers got up to at 10pm after locking the door and drawing their curtains once their parents had finally left for dinner with the Mulligans,” they said in a prepared statement. “Right now, we think that’s our safest option: just delete our history.”

“Growing up, things were just easier and better” misremembers old man

A wave of nostalgia is sweeping the world today, after a man – who lived through World War 2, Apartheid and the violent civil rights protests of the 70s – reminded us all that his childhood was “a more innocent, less complicated time to be growing up as a kid.”

“Growing up back then, it was just an easier, more innocent time,” said 87-year-old Jeremy Smith with a wistful smile while completely ignoring the ugly historical and political contexts of his upbringing. “Whenever you wanted, you could go outside with your friends, play endless imaginative games outdoors and not once worry about your safety,” he added, totally washing over the horrific truths faced by thousands of women and minority groups at the time.

“Nowadays, our children’s innocence has been lost to glowing screens and an unending stream of violent imagery on TV.”

He attributes some of this latest generation’s moral degradation and degeneration of family values to the spreading scourge of technology.

“Technology is ruining society and spoiling this latest’s generation’s childhoods,” he explained while failing to mention to myriad technological, industrial, medical and social advancements and breakthroughs that make life incomparably, infinitely better than it was 50 years ago. "I mean, what good has any of it really done us?"

“In my day, people were friendly and would stop to greet each other in the street. We’ve become so engrossed by our glowing screens that we’ve lost the human touch,” he said with a sad smile that utterly overlooked the evils of the NP and Hitler's Third Reich and the human- and civil rights abuses that exposed mankind’s repugnant capacity for hatred during most of the 20th century.

“It was a simpler, easier time. A time before bank cards and cellphones and high-speed wi-fi and bottled milk and the modern industrial revolution and four hundred kinds of breakfast cereal. A time where you could just go sit on a riverbank after a long day of ploughing the fields so that you wouldn't starve to death during the winter and just enjoy the simple pleasures that this beautiful world has to offer.”

And many people agree.

Goldi is just one of hundreds of 20-something-year-old
white girls who think they should have been born in a time
devoid of modern science, medicine, technology, or civil rights. 

“I think he’s totally right,” said fashionista and lifestyle blogger Goldi Nera. “This modern era sucks so much. I was born too late.”

“I should have been born in the romantic ages of knights and chivalry,” said the twenty-something-year-old white girl who thinks she lives in a goddamn Lana Del Ray video or something.

“Or even as a youthful and carefree flapper surrounded by beautiful dresses and champagne and the dazzling parties and true elegance of the 1920s?” she added, failing to realise that statistically she would probably have been born far, far from this extreme outlier of human experience, most likely as a peasant farmer in Southern China, or a laundry woman washing the puke out of Gatsby’s sheets.

“Every day I sit in my apartment sipping my mocca-spice latte while I use my Macbook Air Pro and high-speed ADSL to look at Pintrest photos of the beautiful balls and dresses of the 18th century and I think, ‘God they had it so, so good.’”

But luckily for her, help is on its way.

“We’re only too happy to help her live this seemingly impossible dream,” said her parents in a prepared statement. “We’ve bought her some dresses, cut up her credit card, taken away her right to vote, and arranged for her to enter into a loveless marriage."

And hey, if she complains, we’ll just say ‘you’re a woman, STFU and get back into the kitchen’. It’ll be like she’s actually there!”

Google launches new Rhodes-debate-inspired App

UCT Press Release: Rhodes Statue will be demolished

UCT makes its final decision on the controversial matter of the Cecil John Rhodes statue.

Text reads:

Date: 24 March 2015

Alumni, colleagues, and fellow students,

By now you’re all aware of the heated and bitter debate happening on social media and on campus concerning the controversial Cecil John Rhodes memorial statue located on the Jammie stairs. Since the furore kicked off, strong public pressure has mounted on UCT to take a decision on what to do with this statue, this painful reminder of our imperfect past.

And, having listened to the all the rational arguments, heartfelt submissions, ad hominem spiteful tweets, disingenuous oversimplifications and absurd Hitler comparisons on both sides of this debate, we’re pleased to announce that we’ve come to a decision.

The statue will fall.

Of course, this is only the first step in a long, long journey of progressive change to combat the institutional racism and elitism that, unlike that blonde girl you dated last year, you can’t escape even if you take the long way around campus to the Politics department.

Many ask us, “CRS, what kinds of socially progressive programs will you put into place to ensure that postive change and justice is rooted into our institution’s core?”. Many email me asking, “Eric, what sorts of scholarships and funding programs for disenfranchised youth will you source and offer to ensure that this protest isn’t just a skin-deep, feel-good, masturbatory paintjob?”

And to you I say, there is still so much work to be done before we can consider such trivialities.

Look at the Parliament buildings in Cape Town. Look at the Union buildings in Pretoria. Look all around you – how can we possibly introduce institutional transformative measures when there are still so many monuments to be torn down and free us from the oppressive weight of mental violence?

How could we possibly instigate better equal employment measures, or introduce student funding and financial aid schemes for students from a disadvantaged background if all the buddies of Cecil Steel-eyes – like Jan Smuts - glaring down at downtrodden South Africans from their places of honour?

How could we create new student scholarship opportunities or education programs aimed at including unheard authors and thinkers in our academic discourse if we’re reminded at every turn how racist everyone except us is?

And let us gaze turn overseas. What about The Pyramids of Giza? Ofttimes shrouded in a false veil of grandeur, these are nothing more than death relics that represent a terrible and oppressive age of slavery and horror. And it doesn’t stop there: we look at Mount Rushmoore, The Eiffel Tower, Great Wall of China, The Cistine Chapel, Notre Dame, Woolworths, and even the Great railroads of the United States. Time and time again, where most see just buildings, we see the blood-soaked bodies of the millions whose bones have served as cement and toothpicks.

Until these artefacts are demolished, how can we call the world truly equal and inclusive?

This is just the beginning of the program, however.

Next, we’ll ban religion, destroy every mosque, church and place of worship. After all, almost every religion is built on a disgusting history of slavery, genocide, executions, state-sanctioned torture, and hatred, not to mention Holy Crusades that were little more than giant ethnical cleansings, rampant accusations of paedophilia, extremist terror attacks and brutal beheadings.

Then we’ll destroy all art, all books. These are nothing more than the products of oppressive heritages. Every word and sentence, every brush stroke or musical chord, is a disgusting representation of the systems that oppressed and discriminated millions.

Then we’ll behead every person whose family tree is fertilised with the blood and watered with the sweat of the oppressed.

Then, because humanity itself has destroyed and forced into extinction countless species on this planet, and because our daily existence is at the cost of the lives and freedom of millions of creatures and fellow humans, we’ll mass murder the entire human population, finally ridding our beautiful world of all reminders of how terrible history is.

Some have said to us, “but Eric, there is a nuanced middleground in between these two dichotomous extremes that doesn’t require such an extremist stance on the matter, a calmer, more considered halfway house where we can introduce more level-headed considered programs and actions that will contribute to true social justice instead of sowing dissent by exacerbating entrenched butthurt”. And to this we say, “racism, in any form, requires an extreme response.”

Finally, in this beautiful utopian world where we can pursue academic excellence free from the horrifying realities of the past, we can turn our attention to incorporating progressive changes to the institutional policies and politics of our esteemed university.

Yours in solidarity,

Eric Jeffries

CRS President 2015

Internet commenters unsure which racial epithet to use

'Uncle Tom Sell-out, or arrogant whitey?', ponder debate enthusiasts

Following a comment posted ten minutes ago online concerning the controversial issue of the University of Cape Town's Cecil John Rhodes memorial statue, online commenters, social media activists, and digital bigots on both sides of the debate have told reporters they are still unsure which utterly unnecessary, hurtful racist slur to bash into their well-worn keyboards.

Citing the "ambiguous profile picture" of the Facebook user in question and touching on her "scant profile information", internet users across South Africa are still uncertain whether to reply to her call for a "return to calm and considerate debate free from ridiculous racist slurs, mockery, ad hominem attacks and rhetoric fallacies" with a "STFU you stupid and arrogant white crybaby upholding a legacy of oppression" or a "OMG look at this sellout counterrevolutionary Uncle Tom brainwashed into defending white privilege."

"When you click on the thumbnail of the post next to this peaceful, non-toxic plea to her fellow citizens that we treat each other with the respect and dignity that we all, as human beings, deserve, all we can see is a group shot with four girls of a varying range of skin colours," said 1st-year politics student and fiercely involved social media RhodesMustFall debater, Vlei Mwar.

"So, as of this moment, we can't be sure which form of cyber bullying and utterly disrespectful slander to employ. I mean, at this stage we don't know if she's white or black, so how are we supposed to pick which racially charged epithet to use in scorning her personal, subjective stance on the matter?"

"I mean, we could just call her a 'fucking stupid bitch' who should 'go and educate herself' and 'read a book about the history of this before you bring your dumb comments' - you know, a general, non-racial smear that is easily applied to people of any race, religion or creed online," explained Mwar, "but when it comes to debates as important as this, we think that if we're not going to be considerate, thoughtful and critically engaged in the current discourse, we should at least apply that high-level logic-based rational thinking to our short-sighted, debate-sullying engagements with other people."

However, not all internauts agree, with one side of the camp calling for a calm and respectful waiting period before heaping ridicule and abuse on her and likening her to something that should be universally despised and ostracised.

"We're not mindless animals," said Rashad Homnem. "I mean, why in the world would anyone in this nationally-watched debate sully the importance of mature, respectful discourse with ridiculous things like making over-simplistic comparisons between two unconnected, vastly dissimilar people?'

"Besides," added Homnem, "even if someone doesn't tip us off, what's not being able to call one out of hundreds of people a 'fucking stupid blind moron who should shut the fuck up because you don't know what you're talking about'? I'm pretty sure we can let this one slide."

Muse and Abuse would like to get this debate going by preemptively calling you all massive festering cockworms.

“I accidentally shat myself” admits Rhodes statue protester

Academics accused of “reading into things too much, bru” after damning confession is heard.

The controversy surrounding the Cecil John Rhodes statue has blown out of all proportion today, after a scathing interview revealed that creator of the political movement and author of the ‘poop incident’ against the heavily debated statue, actually accidentally soiled himself.

“It’s true,” said the clearly distraught Politics student, Maxwell Troespou.

“I was doing the butt-clenching Prairie-dog duckwalk between the Pol and Social Sciences buildings when the attack struck. As I stood there, a puddle of my own filth pooling in my underrods, I thought, ‘oh shit, what now? I’ve gotta get rid of this. Of course there was no bin around, so I dumped it on the closest thing possible.”

And that closest thing just happened to be the statue. With furtive glances left and right, he attempted to quickly stash his ruined briefs.

“I thought the small crevice in his lap would sufficiently conceal my mistake,” he lamented. Alas this is where his statue-atory jape was spotted.

“This lady came up to me and asked me ‘what the hell are you doing?’. I froze and quickly shouted ‘Apartheid and Race!’ – you know, what I always shout when I get in an argument I’m scared of losing. Lucky for me, I’m a Post-grad and a Pol major, so I’m used to talking convincing-sounding crap at a moment’s notice.”

However, despite the confession, protest supporters have said it’s too late to turn back now, with UCT standing by its decision that the Rhodes monument must be removed.

“It’s kinda snowballed out of control,” said one marcher, who now feels dumb after the 14000 words and 3 676 tweets he’s written online critiquing elitism and institutionalised racism since the furore started. “And not just because of the resounding public support, thousand-strong marches and endless internet debate - just think of the Twitter followers I would lose if I were to back down now?”

This isn’t the first time such an eventuality has occurred on the famous Cape Town campus. Back in 2011, an Art student accidentally spilt paint all over her masters exhibition pieces, which quickly became part of a Masterclass exhibition series in half a dozen galleries.

“I’m in too deep to say anything now,” she said. “I mean, what did you expect me to say to my supervisor when he waffled on about ‘genius counter-intuitivity of a new post-peinture style’ and how ‘these works represented a breathtakingly bold defiance of the reductive transfixion of art into a meaningless product aimed at garnering marks or money’?”

And it doesn’t end there.

“Yesterday I left some blank canvasses in my gallery because I was in too much of a rush to stash them in my studio,” she told. “An art critic saw them, and now I’ve been force to announce my latest ‘Negative White’ series.”

Rhodes Statue “must fall” says UCT study

University of Cape Town administration is finalising plans to remove the ‘offensive and racist’ monument to Cecil John Rhodes, after a study was published this morning confirming that it was indeed the central anchor of institutionalised racism in South Africa and that its removal would immediately end all racism and hatred everywhere.

“We’ve crunched the numbers and looked at the data, and we’ve come to a conclusion we all knew was coming,” said Bart Hert, a researcher from the International Statistical Institute of South Africa, which was commissioned by the obviously Apartheid-worshiping tertiary institute to produce the study. “This statue is the root of all the anger, violence, and racism in not just the institutional culture in universities like UCT, but in all of South Africa as well, and removing it would instantly make the issue go away.”

Hert outlined the study’s findings in detail.

“You know, there are a lot of misconceptions about this debate. There are many people who believe that effecting the kind of institutional and societal change towards respect and dignity – a giant cognitive shift in our country’s paradigms that make us more tolerant and less likely to apply backwards and retrogressive ideas of racial discrimination – on such a large scale would take lots of effort and debate beyond shallow gestures that give the mere illusion of acceptance and progressivity."

"People assume it would require a massive improvement not just in our levels of basic education, but also in introducing complementary programs that allow hugely subsidised access to high quality education for all, regardless of origin or colour,” he told reporters. “This is obviously all wrong. We’ve found that we can just skip all this with a chisel and a hammer, and perhaps a set of sturdy chains and a M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank.”

Taking down statues has been proven to drastically
improve democracy, as shown in Iraq in 2003.

Ever since it shattered the global speed records for a comparison to Hitler, the debate around the iniquitous statue has been heated, with both sides staunchly standing by their False Dichotomy entrenched extremes. However, with the publication of this eye-opening study, both sides have put aside their differences.

“Since its earliest days of calm-level headed poo flinging and rational, logical accusations of racial bias, colour privilege, and empty ‘revolutionary’ lingo, it’s easy to see how some people were worried this entire thing would just devolve into another cesspit of racial slurs, facile and puerile comparisons to previous dictators ‘photoshopping’ history and fractious name-calling,” said one commenter who took time out of sipping lattes and buying apple Products to speak to reporters about white privilege, “but I really think this debate has brought out everyone’s compassionate, considerate side. And at the very least, it got me couple of retweets.”

UCT, which is still taking the difficult decision of which replacement statue of Nelson Mandela they’ll use, has responded to the study with their full cooperation, saying the “evil token of Satan” should be knocked down on Friday at the very latest.

“Maybe it’ll be Nelson Mandela sitting in a chair. Maybe it’ll be him standing up. Or maybe, now that we’re free to ‘improve’ history as we like, we can just have him wielding two massive machine guns like a colonialist-head-stomping Xhosa Django. “

Whatever their decision, one thing is for sure: the statue is coming down.

“Not because of who he was or how his legacy of oppression can be toxic to our university environment,” said the University in their lengthy statement, “but mostly so that you’ll all just shut the fuck up on Facebook and Twitter.”

Rhodes University was not available for comment, because they’re sitting this awkward one out.

Pics: Creative Commons.

Read more from Muse and Abuse on this hot topic:
Protest creator admits he "actually just shat [him]self" and another calm, balanced take on the whole matter.

TV setting unrealistic standards for our children.

The Broadcasting Standards and Complaints Commission of South Africa (BSCCSA) has today issued a scathing indictment of South African digital television service provider DSTV and its aired content, saying that the programs and show content that make up the majority of their viewing schedule are setting “totally unrealistic standards” for the youth of South Africa.

“Just flip on the TV and you’re immediately bombarded by violence and crime or drowned in vapid, celebrity-centred stupidity,” said one concerned parent from the South African Families Association. “It used to be manageable, but now with such a ceaseless flood of these kinds of moronic themes and entertainment values, however will our children even start filling the massive shoes that are being put before them?”

Children everywhere have agreed.

“They’re right,” said ten-year-old Vincent Christians. “Every time I turn on the TV and see Kanye, Jersey Shore or anything on the History Channel, I feel like society expects me to be this ignominious moron who is obsessed with sex and money and fame. I mean, the bar is set pretty low already – I have to write Matric exams, for godssakes – but this is ridiculous. However will I lose my fundamental human respect and dignity and descend into the abhorrent, abyssal chasms of hell from whence these overwhelmingly narcissistic brain-dead fucktards come?”

Girls, too, have shared similar sentiments.

”I’m trying my best,” said teary eyed Jessica Barleson. “I put on makeup and short skirts and try to be as much of a loose skank as possible, but the pressure is incredibly overwhelming. I fear I’ll never become even half the meaningless sex object that society is pushing me to be.”

Meanwhile, the BSCCSA has backed this protest movement 100%, saying children should be exposed to “realistic standards of sex, violence and shallowness”.

”Our young boys across the country couldn’t possibly be this violent or lacking in profundity and reasonable intellect, no matter how much class they skip or how many times they ask bitches to suck their dicks,” the broadcasting standards watchdog said in a statement this morning, “and our nation's sluts and airheads will never be able to stoop to the desperate rape-culture lows that are so widely spread today."

"If we don’t change society so that they can grow up knowing it’s perfectly fine to be only a shallow, self-centred asshole, or just a partially disgusting skank, they risk growing up with all kinds of insecurities and inferiority complexes. We want our children to feel happy saying, 'I'm just a detestable open-legged skank and that's totally alright' or 'I'm only a slightly brain-dead partially sex-obsessed shallow cretin and that's good enough for me.”

However, many parents are fighting the dangerous tide of television influences, and say they are raising their children so that they know they can be whatever kind of narrow-minded stain on humanity they desire.

”I tell our son, ‘my boy, you don’t listen to this TV nonsense. If you feel pressured by society to call a binnet a 'dumb slut whore', it’s perfectly fine to just call her a 'useless bitch',” said Joburg-based father Mike Sogynyst. “I just want to make sure he grows up being true to his own feelings.”

Why Blackface is okay: the plague of reverse racism

A guest post by Johan Van Eksteen
Head of Race Studies and Representation at the International Institute of Social Sciences

We’ve seen it again and again: a controversy that crops up its ugly head every few months, and I think that, as a whole, we can all agree that it’s time to put this ‘Blackface’ nonsense into context and address the core issues at the heart of the centre in this topic’s middle.

Blackface. What is it? Harmless students having fun? Leon Schuster making us laugh our asses off? An insulting spit-in-the-face of black people drawing on a history of discrimination and marginalisation? Perhaps we’ll never know.

But what we can know, is that black people are also guilty.

Recently, in my travels across the harsh, bleak blogosphere, I came across a so-called ‘tradition’. A tradition that sickens me. A tradition that makes me want to take my size-13 veltschoen and throw them out the window the way the government it throwing this blerrie country out the window.

Every year, wherever you go in the country, there is a special Xhosa ritual where black people mock white people. They dress up in blankets and robes – perhaps trying to poke fun at our tendency to blanket our emotions and opinions in a swaddle of self-censorship and guilt – and paint their faces white.

It’s disgusting.

After thousands of years of oppression, misunderstanding and marginalisation, to the point where we whites as the people who were the kings of this land can’t even get a job unless it’s in a city or a village or a town or in our dad’s garage or even in an apprenticeship anywhere in the country through any of the numerous employment options afforded to us through privileged education, we have to face this 'whiteface' ridicule. What are parents teaching their children? That it’s funny or a part of their so-called “heritage” to paint their faces white and mock at least six years’ worth of white discrimination?

It gets worse.

Oh yes, these boys (sometimes as young as sixteen or even younger!) will do this for a whole month! And they’ll do it without having access to food or water – perhaps a sign that this hateful culture wants us, white people, to starve and die of dehydration, with no sustenance or help around us. And as one final kick-in-the-ribs to white people, they then circumcise the boys. Are they trying to make fun of our tiny, limp, quiescent penises? How dare they?!

I am sick and tired of this hypocrisy. A few university students dress up as a maid and the whole world goes bananas. You know, they didn’t even look like black maids, that’s the worst thing. I myself have three black maids – one for each house I own – and eight garden boys. People are jumping to baseless conclusions.

Let us also look at the media. Yes, it’s also guilty. Have you ever heard of a man called Dave Chappelle? No? Okay, what about the Wayan Brothers?

These sick “actors” go around dressing up as white people, and no one says anything. Not a word. Not even a single angry tweet or page-three report in the Mail & Guardian. Yes, I know lots of people will immediately go to the tired and over-flogged horse of “oh, but Leon Schuster” – but at least Schuster is funny. Look at how funny he is. Funny. Laugh. How many movies has he made? Dozens. They’re funny. But where do we draw the line?

This is where the debate gets even worse. There are companies out there who sell women white face powder. Is it okay for women to insult white women by creating such horrific and disgusting caricatures of Western, white and idealised notions of beauty by covering their faces in an insulting and symbolic ‘vok jou’ to white skin?

I don’t think so.

The truth, ladies and gentlemen, is that black people have been guilty of cultural appropriation for years. Does the media say anything? No, it’s all “Miley Cyrus” this, and “Die Antwoorde” that, and “yada yada Iggy Azalea”.

But every time Kanye West spends a million dollars, do people ask whether he isn’t taking advantage of white peoples’ culture of being rich? Every time a black person gets a degree or an education, how come no one accuses them of stealing our rich heritage of having easy access to higher-quality knowledge and self-improvement?

It gets worse. Yes, I know you’re all vomiting and retching emptily now in dismay, but I’ve almost finished revealing to you the festering, grotesque mess of this media and society conspiracy to its deepest, ugliest depths.

They appropriate our religion and our culture: the most important things to us. When we brought printing presses here, did we ask them politely to become Christians? Of course not! Did we ask them to take our names in place of their own names, choosing “Charles”, “George”, “Peter” and even “Nelson”, over… um… lots of X’s and Q’s? No. We didn’t.

What is missing in this debate are sane, rational thinkers: leaders of clarity and well-reasoned logic who can debunk these myths one at a time. Voice who will define this generation’s truth and perspicacity. Voices like Steve Hofmeyr.

Next time we inevitably see a Stellenbosch University student do this, let us remember: pots can’t call kettles black.

Or white.

Pics: Pic 1 of two boys: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/12/photogalleries/south_africa_faces/images/primary/Xhosa.jpg
Pic two of one kid: http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--C2S-D7Gl--/18erpzhk5qiamjpg.jpg
Dave Chappelle: http://www.candidtam.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/good-ol-chapelle.png
Leon Schuster: youtube.com
White chicks: http://www.jackasscritics.com/images/movies/white_chicks_01.jpg